Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Collections:
Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
Stats:
Published:
2020-11-04
Completed:
2004-10-26
Words:
9,243
Chapters:
11/11
Kudos:
22
Hits:
6,424

Leave It To Frodo

Summary:

My very twisted spin on The Lord of the Rings, Leave It To Beaver style. It's also a sequel to "First Meeting".

Chapter 1: Leave It To Frodo

Chapter Text

Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings and/or Leave It To Beaver.

Scene: Mayfield, Middle Earth. Suburban setting sometime in the late 1950's. We see a lovely house with a beautiful front yard surrounded with a white picket fence. Frodo is sitting on the front stoop. The door opens. Frodo sees Aragorn about to leave the house with Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.

FRODO Hi, fellas! Where are you going? Can I come, too?

ARAGORN Sorry, Frodo. I promised the guys it'd be just us today. We have a practice meet on the battlefield.

BOROMIR Yeah, beat it, squirt!

ARAGORN Hey, knock it off, Boromir!

BOROMIR What are you yelling at me for? He always wants to tag along. (turns to Frodo) Run along and play with your own friends, squirt!

ARAGORN (sternly) Boromir, I'm warning you. Cut it out or I'll make you sorry you ever started picking on Frodo.

Boromir sees the serious look on Aragorn's face and also sees Aragorn fingering the handle of his Anduril sword and realizes he has gone too far. BOROMIR Okay, okay! Geez, Louise! I was just kidding!

ARAGORN Frodo, you and I can do something together tomorrow. I promise. But today it's just the guys and me. Okay?

FRODO (sad look on his adorable Hobbit face) Well, okay, Aragorn. Have a good time, fellas.

ARAGORN (feeling guilty) I promise I'll make it up to you, Frodo. I'll even treat you to an ice cream cone, okay?

FRODO (face brightens up a little) Really? Okay!

ARAGORN (smiles) See you later.

Scene: Living room of the house.

BILBO Gandalf, I'm worried about Frodo.

GANDALF You are? I must admit that I myself have been concerned about the little fellow. Earlier today I had a talk with Aragorn to remind him that he did take an oath to protect that little Hobbit.

BILBO How did it go?

GANDALF It went well. Aragorn's a good man. He just needed that little reminder.

BILBO I'm glad. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll give this house a good vacuuming since I'm already all dressed in my finest clothes.

GANDALF The pearls give the ensemble a nice touch.

BILBO Thank you. I thought so. So did Boromir with his usual, "My, what a lovely outfit you're wearing today, Mr. Baggins." Gawd, what a suck-up! What on earth does Aragorn see in him as a friend?

GANDALF Oh, I'm sure he has his good qualities. I just can't think of any at the moment. Well, I'm going to my den now to read up on magic spells. I'll see you a little later, my friend.

BILBO (mutters to himself) Sure, leave me with all the housework to do. Go hide in your den and smoke Hobbit weed.

Scene: Streets and sidewalks of this suburban town. Frodo and Sam are walking along. Sam is carrying a bag of doughnuts. He offers one to Frodo. Frodo politely refuses. Sam shrugs and happily munches on the doughnut.

FRODO Look, Sam. There are Merry and Pippin. Let's go say hi.

SAM (nods instead of speaking as his mouth is full of doughnut)

FRODO Hey, fellas. What are you doing?

MERRY Hi, Frodo. Hi, Sam. We're just trying to decide if that giant coffee cup up on top of that billboard is really filled with hot steaming coffee or not.

PIPPIN I say it IS hot coffee. Why else would it be steaming like that?

MERRY I say it's some sort of machine. Or maybe it's magic. Maybe Gandalf made that giant coffee cup and his magic keeps it steaming.

PIPPIN Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

FRODO How?

PIPPIN Someone will have to climb up there and look inside.

MERRY Yeah!

PIPPIN Hey, Frodo, why don't you go on up there and tell us what's inside?

FRODO Me? Why me? I don't care what's making it steam.

MERRY What are you, Frodo? Chicken?

PIPPIN Yeah, Frodo! Are you chicken?

FRODO I'm not chicken! I just don't care what makes it steam. Since you guys are the ones who care, why don't one of YOU climb up there?

MERRY Frodo's a chicken! Frodo's a chicken!

PIPPIN Cluck, cluck, cluck! Frodo's a chicken!

FRODO Sam, aren't you going to say anything?

SAM (points to his mouth full of doughnut to indicate he can't talk at the moment)

Frodo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

Merry and Pippin continue clucking like chickens and teasing Frodo. Sam finishes swallowing his mouthful of doughnut.

SAM Frodo, why don't you go ahead and climb up there? It'll give you a chance to get rid of that ring you still have.

FRODO What do you mean, Sam?

SAM You still have it, don't you?

FRODO Well, yeah. What with school and homework and chores and stuff, I just haven't had time to get rid of it like I was supposed to. Gee whiz, Sam. How would climbing up to that giant coffee cup help me get rid of this ring?

SAM You could throw it down inside! If it's really magic hot steaming coffee, then won't the powerful magic destroy the ring?

FRODO M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don't know. What if it doesn't work? Then I'd only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What if I break something?

SAM Frodo, listen to the guys! They think you're chicken! Are you going to let them believe that about you?

FRODO (pauses to think this over) Hmmm. W-well, I guess not. I don't want it getting around town or in school that I was too chicken. Hey, fellas!

MERRY What, chicken? I mean, Frodo?

PIPPIN Yeah, what?

FRODO I'm gonna do it! Watch me!

MERRY and PIPPIN Hooray! Go Frodo! Go Frodo!

SAM Go Frodo! Oh, but if you fall and get hurt, it wasn't my idea, okay?

Frodo glares at Sam.

Scene: Practice field in Mayfield, Middle Earth

ARAGORN Great practice session, guys. You did good.

GIMLI We will do well in our next battle against those Orcs.

LEGOLAS Indeed. We make a great team.

BOROMIR Aragorn, how come you always get to be the Captain?

ARAGORN (rolls his eyes) Do we have to have this conversation every time we do this?

Scene: The billboard with the giant coffee cup on top. Frodo is teetering on the edge of the cup. Sam, Merry and Pippin are down below staring up at him.

SAM You can do it, Frodo! You're almost there! Just throw the Ring into that giant coffee cup!

FRODO Whoaaaaaa! (falls headfirst into the giant coffee cup)

SAM Frodo!

MERRY Uh-oh. Hey, I think I hear my mom calling me.

PIPPIN Uh, me, too! I gotta run. 'Bye, Sam!

Merry and Pippin take off running as fast as their Hobbit feet can carry them.

SAM

Hey! Come back here, you guys! Don't leave us! Frodo needs help!

FRODO Sam! Help me!

SAM Frodo! What's inside the cup? Is it hot coffee?

FRODO No!

SAM

Well, what is it?

FRODO

Why don't you get your sorry ass up here and find out for yourself, you stupid moronic sad excuse for a friend! I could kick myself for letting you talk me into climbing up here! You better hope I never get out of here because if I ever do, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass all the way out of Mayfield, Middle Earth!

SAM Frodo?! I-I've never heard you yell at me like that. How could you? I thought we were best friends!

FRODO Are you going to start crying now, you idiot? I'll give you something to cry about! Just you wait!

SAM (bawls) Waaaawww!

Word quickly reaches Bilbo and Gandalf about Frodo's situation. Gandalf, with the help of the giant flying eagle, rescues Frodo from inside the giant coffee cup.

Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.

FRODO I'll never do anything like that again. I promise.

BILBO Well, we're glad to hear that, Frodo. We're even more glad that you're okay.

GANDALF Aragorn, don't you have something you want to say to Frodo?

ARAGORN Well, okay. Frodo, I'm sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.

*group hug!*