Work Text:
CRY
by Merlin7
Rodney kept an eye on Major Sheppard. It wasn't like he had to do so. He just did. Why? Because he knew that something was wrong. It was understandable that the Major was upset. They had lost two men on their last mission. Lost to Wraith. They had almost lost Major Sheppard as well. He had tried to go after his men and Rodney, with Ford's help, had been forced to, literally, pin the Major down to the ground to stop him. It had taken Teyla's soft voice to bring John back to the moment. He had been eerily calm then, going still in their grasp and apologizing for his behavior before assuring them that he was all right now. A lie, and Rodney knew it.
They had returned to Atlantis to debrief. Weir had asked the Major to stay behind and Rodney had loitered around outside the conference room. He wasn't sure why. He didn't want to talk to John about what happened, but he felt compelled to check on him. To see how the Major was with his own eyes. They were supposed to report the Dr. Beckett for a check up after each mission and Rodney had used that as an excuse to hang out with Sheppard for a bit. The man had been silent and pale, and Rodney knew that if he hadn't been hanging out with him, he would have skipped the check up.
They had all passed but a part of McKay had wanted to tell Dr. Beckett to keep the Major overnight for observation. To give him a sedative so he would sleep. Twenty-four hours later and Mckay knew that Sheppard had yet to close his eyes. The hazel orbs were almost glassy from exhaustion, but he hid it well for the most part. Just not from Rodney, because he was watching too closely. And he still wasn't sure why.
He watched the Major going through the motions of being okay. Chatting with Teyla and forcing a smile. Telling jokes to Dr. Weir to make her smile. Snarking with Ford about some guy stuff. All...normal...Major Sheppard moments. Only they weren't normal this time. John was simply playing a part. Rodney knew for a fact that something was wrong when the Major let a perfect, snarky, moment slip past him this morning at breakfast. Rodney had confronted him with attitude, setting him up for a sarcastic reply even, but John just simply forced a smile as he listened to him.
Rodney had to do something. Had to find a way to get the Major to talk about whatever it was that was bothering him. Not hard to guess but that Major Sheppard was taking the loss of his men to heart. But he had lost others. It was a loss they all regretted. But Rodney was beginning to think that all the death and loss was catching up to Sheppard. So he came up with an excuse to spend time with him. They had collected some Ancient artifacts that they could not get to work or respond to them in anyway. But Major Sheppard possessed the most concentrated gene, as it were, so Rodney asked him to try his hand at activating the items. He asked in the presence of Dr. Weir, knowing that she would approve and back him up, and that the Major would then agree to it.
He did and Rodney breathed a sigh of relief, hiding it though before ushering Sheppard to a section of Atlantis that was now currently in use, other than to store the artifacts they couldn't get to work.
"What do you want me to touch?" John asked as he strolled about the room. And even as he asked, things started lighting up. Like the room itself.
"Wow.." Rodney breathed, as he stared up at the ceiling. The tiles were lighting up into a pattern that began shifting. It reminded him of christmas tree lights. He turned to look at Sheppard who simply stood in the middle of the room. Not touching anything. But his eyes were closed and Rodney assumed he was concentrating. "How do you do that?" he asked, unable to keep a tinge of jealousy from his tone.
John opened his eyes and shrugged. "I don't know. It just happens."
Rodney wondered if he was telling the truth but decided it didn't really matter right now. He was focusing on the Major and he had never seen the man look so, sad. So....fragile. Rodney wasn't sure what to do next, what to say. How to help. He cleared his throat. "Um...so...ahem. Uh...what else can you do?"
"Nothing. I can't do a damn thing!" John's tone was brittle yet fused with anger.
"Major..." Rodney began, only to fall silent. He felt helpless and wished he hadn't brought the man here. He was way out of his league when it came to this kind of thing.
John shook his head then rubbed a hand over his face. "Sorry," whispered. "I'm sorry. I have to go."
Rodney cut him off from the door. "What's wrong?" He figured maybe the best thing to do was be direct.
"Nothing's wrong. Everything is hunky dorey," John drawled, but his eyes glittered with pain and sadness.
"You're lying." Rodney winced at the lame comeback, but he had to get John talking. "I want to help. I mean...if I can."
John turned to glare at him. "Can you bring Colonel Sumner back? And all the others? Can you rip this goddamn gene out of me so that I can't fuck things up anymore? So I won't be the reason people are dying?"
Rodney staggered back from the force of John's Rage, all the while knowing that the anger was not directed at him. It was directed internally. And suddenly it all made sense. Major Sheppard blamed himself for every single death. "It's not your fault," Rodney blurted out, and the moment he said it he knew it was the absolute wrong thing to say.
"Who else then?" John gritted out. "I killed Colonel Sumner. I killed the Queen bitch and that woke up the others. Every person that dies by the Wraith...their blood is on my hands." As he spoke, John wiped his palms on his thighs, as if wiping away the memory.
"The Wraith would have awakened eventually," Rodney countered. "It was inevitable."
John shook his head. "Another fifty years might have passed till then."
Rodney didn't know what to say to make it better, to make John understand that this guilt was not his to bear. He watched the other man, visibly, pull himself together. But the pain still glittered in the hazel eyes. "John.." Rodney began.
"What do you want me to touch?" John countered, his tone neutral.
"Anything," Rodney replied. He didn't give a damn about the artifacts for once. Still, he watched as John moved over to a small box. Watched him touch it and a haunting melody filled the room. Rodney knew that the box was sealed, but he watched it open in John's hand. Moved forward to see what was inside. To check out the mechanics, but the box was empty.
John shoved the box in Rodney's hands and began to back away. He kept going until he hit the nearest wall, then he slid down to the floor, drawing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, rocking faintly.
Rodney set the box down and went to him, and as he approached he could see that Sheppard's face was wet with tears, yet he made no sound. It broke Rodney's heart. He was not the type of person to offer comfort to others, but it felt instinctual to sit beside John then reach for him. Felt the other man's resistance, but Rodney drew him forward. He had a weight advantage and he used it, pulling John into his embrace. Hell, he practically hauled him into his lap. John was stiff in his arms, still resistant, but Rodney held on tight. Then he felt it. John's body relaxed against him. Strong arms wrapped around his waist and after a while Rodney could feel John trembling, so he held him tighter, wondering if he should say something. But what could he say? So Rodney simply held John as he cried and felt his own face become damp with tears.
When John was cried out he pulled out of Rodney's arms. He sat there, saying nothing.
The silence felt heavy to Rodney, suffocating. He had to break it. "You look tired." Stupid but the truth.
"I am tired." John's voice was barely a whisper.
"So sleep." Rodney straightened out his legs then patted his lap. He saw John's look of surprise but then the Major shifted until his head rested on Rodney's thighs. Tentatively, Rodney let his fingers comb through John's hair. It was surprisingly soft.
After a time, John closed his eyes.
Rodney thought he had fallen asleep until John whispered,
"Thank you."
"Uh...you're welcome." Rodney wondered what would happen next. How they would act around each other tomorrow. Realistically he knew this wouldn't change things between them. Not publically at least. And he felt relieved. He wasn't ready to deal with anything past this moment. He figured the Major would feel the same way. "Go to sleep," Rodney ordered, when he noticed that John was looking up at him.
"Okay," John replied, closing his eyes.
Rodney kept combing his fingers through John's hair and after a while he realized the other man was asleep. Realized something else as well, as he lifted his free hand to touch his own face. He was still crying.
THE END