Work Text:
John didn't exactly hurt. Instead of pain, it feels like he is being pelted by thousands of heated needles, each pricking his skin multiple times every second. It is so jarring that his mind demands an escape, so through the thick material wrapped around his face as a makeshift scarf, he muffles, "Why is this taking so long?"
Rodney - not exactly the Rodney he knew, but rather the Rodney that 48,000 years in the past had put together a bunch of disparate technologies to reach through the ages and help John - responds, "You're almost there, Sheppard."
Trudging through the heat and abrasiveness of the sandstorm, John has Rodney tell him about what happened to Teyla. To Ronon. How Sam had gone down with her ship, and what happened to Lorne. John feels his heart break a little for his second in command for losing his partner, along with a handful of expedition scientists, in a star's supernova. John promises himself that if he manages to get out of this situation, he's going to make it up to these people. All of them.
He knows he's close, but each step against the wind takes a little more out of him. He reaches out, finally grasping at the door handle, the lee of the building protecting him from the worst part of the wind. "Thank god," he mutters, pulling at the hatch until it pops open, and he steps into the building, shaking off the worst part of the sand from his clothes. When he strips the scarf and his glasses off, he looks down, a rueful smile crossing his face as he says, "I never carried that much sand indoor when I surfed."
Rodney's holographic being comes to life in front of him. Arms crossed, Rodney replies, "Oh ha ha, Sheppard. You would turn this back to something like surfing."
"Don't knock it 'til ya try it, Rodney," John quips back.
Shrugging, Rodney replies, "I've been dead for 48,000 years. Couldn't do much worse-"
John cuts Rodney off with a finger and a stern look. "Don't-" he starts, then shakes his head when words fail him. "Don't say that, okay?" he finally says. And though his voice is quiet, it still holds a hint of warning. He knows it's true, but that still doesn't make it feel right. The thought of everyone he loved, everything he knew being lost to the past gives him an aching, cold feeling in his chest. Even the seventy-year-old Rodney standing before him as a hologram gives him more discomfort than not. It is a constant reminder of all that he had lost when he stepped through that wormhole just hours before.
When John finally looks up, he says, "Look, it's hard, you know?"
"I'm not programmed with a response for that," Rodney says, and it takes John aback.
John gets it. He doesn't like it, but he gets it. "What I mean is, it's hard to stand here talking to... To my friend, when-"
"When I've been dead for 48,000 years."
"Stop saying that," John says. If he could, he'd punch something, but even in the state that Atlantis is in, he can't do that to her. And after what feels like another lifetime, he finally lets an apology quietly fall from his lips. "Look, I'm sorry."
Holographic Rodney just stands there, his hands buried in the ancient cardigan and rocking back and forth on his holographic feet. And though it feels like John's throat is filled with the sand that he'd just walked through, he adds, "I just...just missed out on a lot, okay?"
"And you were missed, Sheppard. Terribly," Rodney replies, his own voice sounding desolate. "Why do you think I did all this?"
"Well duh, Rodney. Because you love me," John dryly replies.
Rodney's image flickers, and his voice asks, "John? Did you say love?"
The use of his first name hits John, as does the headiness of Rodney's expression. "Yeah, Rodney," he says, figuring he could at least unburden himself to Rodney's hologram. It was something he hadn't done while Rodney was alive, but maybe it would do well to get it out. Taking a deep breath, John says, "You know I was in love with you, right?"
Rodney suddenly flickers out of existence, and John can feel the blood rushing out of his face, his stomach dropping to his boots. He knows with Rodney's help that he had a chance - even a small one - of getting back to his own timeline. But with Rodney disappearing... "Fuck," he mutters, feeling completely desolate.
It's then that Rodney's hologram pops back up. Only the image of this one is ages younger; a little older than the Rodney that John left behind, but not by much. It's strange to see the Rodney that he knew, and John resists the urge to reach out. To touch him - touch his Rodney.
"John?" Rodney's hesitant voice echoing off the empty walls. "John, I don't know where you are, or what happened, but I'm going to figure it out. See, I think-"
"Rodney," John tries to cut in. But this Rodney isn't interactive. Instead, he seems more like a recording, which would make sense. This had to be from very early on after John's loss. So John lets this Rodney explain what he thinks happened, and what he's doing to fix it. "I promise, John," Rodney says. "I will do everything in my power to get you back."
The Rodney in front of him stops talking, but John watches as he wrings his hands, nervous eyes glancing around at unknown objects. He's captivated by the images, and is almost startled when Rodney blurts out, "I settled, John."
"What?" John asks, though he's not sure this Rodney can hear him.
"After we lost you - after I lost you - I... Well, I settled. On Keller. The ache that I carried with me when you were gone - it lasted for what seemed like forever. And Jennifer... She was nice and everything, but she wasn't you. When she died, I mean it hurt and everything. But nothing like what it was when I lost you." John watches the familiar moves of a man he knows so well; the jut of a chin, the shuffling of his feet. It takes a few seconds, but Rodney finally continues, "You know that stupid movie that Ronon got hooked on? That 'Princess Bride' one? I was watching it with Maddie and Robbie the other day. Oh, Robbie - you're an uncle again, John. Anyway, when the princess character says she died that day - the day the farmboy was killed. That-" He watches as Rodney takes a deep breath, then runs a hand over his hair. "That's exactly how I felt. I just didn't know it."
The urge to get whatever he needs done completed and get back to the present - his present - overwhelms him. "I'm sorry I never said anything," John whispers.
"I'm sorry I never say anything," Rodney says, echoing back, John smiling sardonically at the identical phrasing. "But if this works, and you get back to me-"
"It's gonna work, Rodney," John promises.
"And if you feel even close to what I feel," Rodney continues, John watching him intently, "then I need you to tell me. Okay?"
There's a pause, and John lets his hand raise, absently pressing against the sudden ache in his chest.
"I know you're not the best one to talk about your feelings and all," Rodney says, and John can't help but bark out a laugh, "but I need you to talk to me. Tell me that it's okay. And maybe we can..." He watches as Rodney fidgets for a second, then finishes with, "Just tell me how you feel, okay?"
Fidgeting Rodney reaches forward, and John reaches towards him as if led by instinct. But he watches as Rodney's fingers press an unknown button or switch, and young hologram Rodney flicks out of existence.
John instantly misses him.
It takes a few seconds before the elderly Rodney hologram shows up again, and he has a confused look on his face. "That was strange," he reports. "Some subroutine just injected itself into my programming, but now it's gone. Like it deleted itself." Rocking back and forth on his slippers, elderly hologram Rodney says, "Well no matter. Are you ready to finish this up and get back to Atlantis? Our Atlantis?"
"You bet your sweet ass I do, McKay," John replies.
"I'm not programmed with a response for that," Rodney replies, and John just laughs.
"Whatever, Rodney," John just says. "Let's do this."
~*~*~
Much later, after John is back in their own timeline and is released from the infirmary, he finally resolves to take his chance. He grabs a lifesigns detector and punches in the code to find key personnel, and when he finds Rodney's dot, his head gets on board with his heart.
Trying not to race through the darkened halls of Atlantis, John makes his way to the main sciences lab where he finds an upset looking Rodney leaning over a laptop. He goes to Rodney's side, startling the man out of his thoughts.
"Oh... John? Sorry - Colonel? Are you okay?" Rodney asks, the bluest of eyes searching John for answers.
"I..." Taking a breath, John steadies himself. He reaches out slowly, covering Rodney's hand with his own.
Rodney looks down, face holding a look of confusion at first, and then the promise of a smile crossing the scientists face. And as John raises a hand to cup Rodney's chin, he says, "I will be."
Rodney continues to gaze at John, blue eyes asking unspoken questions. And John hopes to hell that he's giving Rodney the right answer as he offers a gentle smile in return.
"John?" Rodney whispers.
But before Rodney can say anything further, John cuts him off with a kiss. Gentle at first, then quickly growing urgent. He leans forward, pulling Rodney to him and uses their closeness to grind his erection against Rodney's thigh. And when they finally break, John drops his hands to his side, then reaches out to Rodney and envelopes Rodney's blunt fingers with his own. After a few seconds of a silent conversation, he leans forward for one more kiss before leading Rodney to John's quarters.
And later, when they're both quite spent and John is lazily breathing in the musk of Rodney's sweaty neck, Rodney finally speaks. "Not that I'm complaining or anything," he says, John leaning up from his neck-sniffing vantage point to look at him, "but what happened to you? Did somebody say something?"
John just grins, leaning down and stealing another kiss. "You did, Rodney," he says. "And it was about damned time."