Work Text:
Trust
By CarolelaineD
I went to see Fox today, sorry I meant Agent Mulder and to be truthful I just observed from a distance. He hates me anyway and that's as plain as day, shit what did I do and where did I go wrong.
I had trust so many people in my life, family and lovers to name a few, just to be used and thrown away when I was no longer needed.
Fuck them all as it's not like I need any of them, yeah right just who the hell am I trying to kid. I hurt so badly, God it hurts so bad to feel so alone in this world. Billions of people and I'm stuck here by myself.
I was just a means to an end for them all, I hate everyone but I'm too much of a coward to end it all.
It's a dark place I'm in now, hell there's no way out either as it's too late. All I'd ever wanted was for someone to love me, but I'm damaged now and far beyond love of any description.
I'm just filled with so much hate and rage, I so badly want to lash out and hurt the ones that have hurt me, the ones that have caused me to become who I am.
However I've been there and done that, I can scream and shout all I want, hell I can even smash things up but the pain remains. The pains locked deep inside my heart now, I'm just a cold empty shell going on day after day.
The tears are streaming now as the sobs wrack my body, however as usual nothing changes in my life, there's no one here to see or hear the pain I display.
I put on some music and then cry even more, you see music does that to a person. It makes you remember all the good times, also all the bad.
The good times hurt because they have been and gone, the bad times remind you that nothing changes in your life.
I keep saying one day I'll change, I will go out there and show them all who I am. I'm a good person really and this is what life did too me, however I never do go out as I'm locked here inside this dark place I call my head.
I'm afraid of people hurting me, yet I hurt anyway. I have this deep down feeling of not belonging in this world, I just feel so lost and out of place, it feels like I'm never going to be good enough to be around other people.
To hell with them all, I will sit here moaning then move on, well that's until the next time. Maybe it will be a week or a month who knows, knowing my luck it will be tomorrow.
Everyone says life's about growing and allowing change, how can you even begin to change when you trust no one in life, hell I don't even trust myself anymore.
Trust gets you grief and pain, not trusting leaves you all alone with nothing. One word that can make such a difference in life, one word that I hate as much as I hate myself, trust.
Trust
By CarolelaineD
25/ 08/2015.