Work Text:
I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND
Tony sat on the edge of the couch in Ziva's living room. He stared at his hands as he comtemplated an answer. In all his life he had never wanted to hurt anyone less than he wanted this woman hurt. He had all but loved her almost from the moment he had seen her. He had recognized the strength she had shown to the world in general for what it was. A mask, much like he wore. Not that she wasn't strong. Quite the oposite in fact. The trials and tribulations she had endured had most definately made her an amazingly strong, self sufficiant, competant woman.
He had no clue how far he would fall for her when he first met her. Despite his feelings she had been 'the enemy' at the time. A strange new addition to his happy family. And really after having spent so much time at N.C.I.S that's how he had come to view his co-workers. Family. It was still a strange concept to him considering how he had spent so long conviencing himself he hadn't needed any. His thoughts threatened to drift back to his biological family. Tony quickly pushed those thoughts aside.
"Tony."
The tone in her voice almost made him flinch. He knew she was expecting an answer, but how could he giver her one when he honestly didn't understand it himself? Tony returned his thoughts back to the immediate issue at hand. He tried to come up with a good reason to give to her. He honestly couldn't think of one. Well, not true. He could think of many, but they all seemed shallow. More like baseless platitudes he'd told countless other women. Other women you didn't really want to be with, his mind reminded him. And God help him, he really did want to be with this woman.
"I was just..." He let his voice trail off as he sought to come up with a good enough explaination. There really wasn't one.
"It is not that hard of a question."
Ziva's words cut into the mental arguement he was having with himself.
"It's not that. It's just..." Tony paused again desperately trying to come up with something that would explain why he couldn't do as Ziva wanted, and yet, still not lose her entirely. He couldn't let that happen. 'Won't', his mind corrected.
"I... I just want to make sure this is what you want," he said, trying to put the ball back into her court. The look on her face was all it took to know that that statement had been a mistake. 'Shit, how do I fix this,' he thought to himself.
"I think, maybe, it is time for you to leave."
"Wait," Tony blurted out, trying to stall for time. "What I meant was-"
"I believe I understood what you meant. I would grately appreciate it if you would leave. Now, please."
Tony shook his head as he tried to find a way to fix this. He had to fix this. 'Can't lose her too,' his mind stated bluntly. 'No shit,' Tony thought back to his mind. When Ziva had first arrived he had been intriqued and completely interested. Then he found out who she was and why she was there. It didn't make him feel less interested. Instead it made him feel more like a traitor to the only person that had really been like family to him. As much as he had liked the new arrival he couldn't find it in himself to betray Gibbs by acting on his feelings.
Now Ziva was... Was what exactly? A friend? Family? He wasn't sure. All Tony was sure of now was that he wanted her. Not just for sex, but for more. Especially now. He couldn't shake the feeling that sleeping with her now would kill any chance of a meaningful relationship he might be able to have. He glanced up at an irritated Ziva and reallized that most of his chances for that were probably already dead. Still, he had to try.
"Ziva," he began.
"Leave. Now." She punctuated her words by standing and pointing towards her door.
Tony shook his head and stood. Lifting his eyes only he took one more look at her trying to find a way to salvage this. He shook his head again in accordance with the dispair that was running through his heart. There was no way to fix this. 'And what makes you think you even deserve her,' his mind asked him. 'Shut it,' he told his mind.
Tony walked to the door dejectedly. As he reached the door he slowly turned back around until he was facing Ziva. Though her face was set in a scowl and she appeared to be dead set in her decision to toss him out of her apartment he noticed the hurt. He hated himself for being the cause of it. He wished there was something more he could do to wipe away any traces of the hurt he noticed. There was nothing. He knew better. You always hurt the ones you loved. Still...
He threw his pride away and walked back to where she stood. Tony reached his hand out slowly and delicately cupped her chin. While he was surprised she did not immediately swat his hand away he refused to reveal on that. He drank in her beauty. Her spirit. Her heart. He let his gaze run over her every feature he had already memorized.
"Ziva," he began. He reallized he couldn't think of anything significant to say, so he decided to stop thinking and just say what he needed to. "You are perfect. I love you. Just the way you are. It's not you. I can't do this because you deserve more. You deserve someone better. I wish that I could do anything you need me to. Want me to. I wish... I wish so many things. Most of all I wish you more happiness than you can imagine. I just can't do this right now. I'm so sorry. Please. I need you to understand."
As she glared at him, Tony knew she had no clue how much he wanted to aquiese to her request. He just couldn't sleep with her and then pretend everything was the same the next morning. She was so much more than that to him. He hated himself for not being able to explain it to her better. After what almost seemed like forever he watched as Ziva raised her arm again. She pointed towards her door and whispered, "Go."
Tony shook his head as he turned and headed for the front door. He turned and gave another glance back to the woman who had come to mean so much to him. Her glare was all it took for him to reallize his words hadn't been enough. Opening the door Tony stepped outside of the apartment and closed the door soflty behind himself. Slowly he walked back down the stairs to give himself time to think before he reached his car. He had no idea how he was going to be able to work with Ziva anymore.
He knew it was his fault. He hadn't expressed himself well enough. He hadn't said the right words. He... Aw hell he didn't know. He just knew he hadn't done something right, and the thought of someone he cared for that much not understanding hurt. Getting into his car Tony did his best to put his mask back into place. The mask he had only removed for one person since he had created it. Now she too had turned him away. In an opressive silence Tony drove back to his own apartment trying to figure out how he was going to survive working with someone he loved and not be able to show it.