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"Michael, my love," she chides as she squeezes and then kisses his hand. "JAG officer, yes. Junkie? No."
He knows what she's getting at, but he can't stand the thought of sending her back to that place in her life, even if it's just a cover, so he tries to argue. "Hey, I've passed as worse. Infiltration is our best chance at getting recon."
"I know. That's why I'm going," she replies before she pulls away, and he has the fleeting sensation that she's pulling away from him on an emotional level too.
It hurts when she picks Owen to go shopping with her - he knows that it's an excuse to reconnect, to see how Owen is doing, but that doesn't really help much. She should be turning to him right now, not the man who pushed her in front of a moving car the last time they worked together.
Her kiss when she and Owen return a short while later is absent-minded, perfunctory - whatever headspace she's going back to to pull this off, she doesn't want anyone there with her. She actually locks the door to their room so that he can't follow - that hurts the worst of all, because he's spent their entire relationship failing to protect her from moments like these.
Surprisingly little time passes before she emerges again, but it feels like an eternity to him. Even expecting the change - even knowing that she was taught theatrical make up by some of the best for just this purpose - that first glimpse of her causes physical pain in his chest.
Their eyes lock briefly, and it's like the clock has been reset to her very first days as a recruit - she's all crazy hair, haunted eyes, and awkward false bravado. He has to forcibly remind himself that the dark circles around her eyes are fake, as are the hollowed cheeks and slightly sallow skin.
The haunted, troubled eyes, though, are real - they're also refusing to meet his own again. She's turned herself into the semblance of her worst nightmare, and he knows she never wants him to see her this way.
He's as useless as he always is in these moments, though, and Owen diverts Nikita's attention to rehashing the mission plan before he can say anything to comfort her. He catches the flash of understanding in Owen's eyes as Owen comments offhandedly on the make-up job - this is all about Owen breaking his own addiction, after all - and realizes it's just one more bond Owen has with her that he doesn't.
The hand on his shoulder makes him jump a little, but it's just Birkhoff, offering him a stiff drink. "Here - you need this more than I do."
He sees the concern in Birkhoff's eyes as they both watch her with Owen. Birkhoff doesn't trust Owen any more than he does, but there's a strange sort of understanding that forms between all three of the men as their eyes meet.
They could stop her, insist on finding another way, but he knows they won't. He can't truly tell her no any more than Birkhoff or Owen can.
Because he loves her. They all do.