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Well, ladies, it's that time of year again. Stores offer piles of chocolate, kids knock on doors looking for candy, people put fake graveyards in their front yards and the body count raises. Yes, it's Halloween. A day for all the homicidal monsters and crazies to come out of the woodwork. As a frequent viewer of scary movies (and as a woman who takes her personal safety seriously) I'd like to offer a few observations that will help us (and the men we love) to stay safe this halloween.


1) If you have to travel alone, take an automotive repair course, keep your cel phone charged at all times and stash a pistol under the front seat. If you own a large, fierce-looking dog (such as a doberman or pit bull) so much the better. Just make sure his rabies shots are up to date.


2) If it's late, you're tired and a small motel pops up on the highway; roll down the windows, turn up the volume on the stereo, slap yourself awake and keep driving until you reach a Roadstar, Super 8, Holiday Inn or any other large chain motel (who are less likely to hire homicidal nutjobs).

2a) If possible, keep the pistol with you when you take a shower.


3) Raising the dead, for ANY reason, is a bad idea.


4) Dating vampires or werewolves, ditto.

4a) If your date doesn't like Italian restaurants or won't return your calls during a full moon, take this as a hint and move on.


5) High heels are very fashionable. They are also next to impossible to run or fight in.


6) Try to have a very sharp machete on you at all times. Beheading will kill damned near everything.


7) If you really, REALLY, absolutely, cannot help it, must enter that darkened room, make sure you have a weapon with you. A baseball bat, golf club or sharp kitchen knife will do but have something to protect yourself with. And for the love of whatever deity you choose to worship, MAKE SURE YOU'RE FULLY DRESSED!

7a) And yes, this includes running shoes.