Work Text:
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/01
Subject: Thank You!
Thank you so much for the early Xmas present! The little pear tree looks so pretty in my living room and the partridge is sooooo cute! I think I'll name him after you.
Love xoxo
Margie
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From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/02
Subject: Thanks part 2
Harry-
What a cute surprise! The doves are so adorable and they'll be good company for little Harry.
Thanks
Marge
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From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/03
Subject: Thanks I think
Harry, the partridge and doves were cute but the chickens are a little weird. What's up? Am I supposed to fatten them up for xmas dinner or what?
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From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/04
Subject: WTF?!?!
OK, Harry, what is it with you and the birds?!? First chickens, now parakeets? They may be cute but they're noisy as hell and the neighbors are getting annoyed.
No more birds, Harry, Please!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/05
Subject: Thanks Babe!
I. Love. You! The rings are really pretty and just what I wanted! You are the best boyfriend ever!
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From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/06
Subject: Geese?!?
I Hate You! 6 Geese?!? What the hell am I supposed to do with 6 freakin' geese?!?!
You are the WORST boyfriend ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/07
Subject: What were you thinking?!?!
7 swans? 7 g*$damned swans?!? I do not believe this!
I have 11 large birds in my apartment! 11 large birds that shit. A lot! My place looks like a barnyard and the neighbors are complaining about the smell.
Enough's, enough, Harry, cut it out!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/08
Subject: Goodbye loser
Harry, we are over, done, history. Today was the last straw. 8 cows. And 8 milk maids?!? Where am I supposed to put all these girls? My couch?
Harry, I want you OUT of my life!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/09
Subject: NO!!!!!
Let me set the record straight, Harry. I am NOT a lesbian, not even bi. Where you got the idea that I'd appreciate being invaded by a bunch of tramps (calling them ladies is a gross exageration) I'll never know but if this is what you fantasize about I'm glad I cut you loose!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/10
Subject: You Suck!
You suck so much! Where did you find those 10 douchebags that showed up at my apartment today? they said they were supposed to be leaping and that's just what they did; leaped on the dancers and the maids AND the cows!!! Animal Control wants to know what I'm going to do about the livestock and the neighbors want to know know what I'm doing about the noise.
I Hate You So Much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
From: largemarge@postal.com
To: dirtyharry@mailbox.net
Date: 12/11
Subject: WHY?!?
What did I do to you to deserve this?!? 11 pipers making a gawdawful racket and when they were done playing dropped their pipes and picked up their instruments...!!!
There WILL be payback, Harry, I swear to you. Every tear, curse and moan that I have made these last few days, you'll make, tripled, by the time I'm done with you! I don't care if it takes me 1000 years, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!
***
From the Offices of
Dewy, Chetham and Howe
Attorneys at Law
December 12
To: Mr. Harold Smith
Dear Mr. Smith,
Please find enclosed a copy of the restraining order, filed against you by my client (currently residing in the Happy Dale Rest Home). Please also note the bills for removal of 31 birds and animals and the estimates for cleaning, repair and renovation of my client'sresidence. These must be paid in full by December 31 to avoid further legal action.
Thank you and have a Merry Christmas.
Sincerely
Douglas Howe