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Part 6 of If Things Had Been Different
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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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2011-11-16
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Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet

Summary:

#6 in the 'If Things Had Been Different' universe - : Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter. Stir well and then sit back and wait.

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Chapter Text


Title: Better Than A Backward Flushing Toilet
Author: Lady FoxFire
Pairing(s): None
Rating: PG-13
Setting: During season 5 of StarGate SG-1.  Set in my 'If Things Had Been Different' series
Warning: None
Category(s): Crossover
Summary: Take one group of space explorer-alien fighters mix with another group of alien fighter.  Stir well and then sit back and wait.
Disclaimer: I’m going to the easy win tonight instead of taking the chance and going for the million… I do not own the StarGate SG-1 series or the Transformers series nor do I make any money from this fic.  And if you didn’t understand this disclaimer it’s because my son has driven me insane and my Muse has ran off with my plot bunnies.

Bad Author Notes: The time line has been adjust so that the Transformers movie happen sometime at the beginning or during season 5 of StarGate SG-1.

Yes this is crack.


The soldiers sitting at the briefing room table rose and stood at attention when General Hammond walked into the room followed by a Colonel, a Major and two civilians.

"Be seated," Hammond said as he sat down at the head of the table with Colonel at his left hand.

"Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to Colonel O'Neill," Hammond said with a nod to the man at his left, "Major Carter," the General nodded to a blond woman who was two seats down from the Colonel.  "Dr. Jackson," the young man between the Colonel and Major gave the soldiers across from them a small wave.  "And Teal'c," Hammond said as he introduce the tall black man.

"Now I know you have all signed the non-disclosure forms but I feel the need to remind you that everything you see and learn today is Top Secret and can not be discussed with anyone," Hammond said.

The young Captain bearing the name Lennox on his nametag nodded his head.  "We understand, sir."

"The reason you have been asked here today is because you come with a very high recommendation as being a unit that is able to think outside of the box and being able to accept things that might seem strange to the ordinary military mindset," Hammond explained.

"What type of things?" Captain Lennox asked respectfully.

"Dr. Jackson would be the best to explain," Hammond said as he nodded towards the doctor.  "If you would Dr. Jackson."

"Right," Jackson as he rose from his set and walked to the end of the table as the wall behind him flickered to life.  "Umm… I guess I should begin by saying that I'm not a medical doctor.  My degree is in Archaeology and Linguistics."

One of the soldiers raised his hand.

"Yes, Corporal… umm…" Dr. Jackson said

"Mulderrig, sir," the Corporal replied.

Dr. Jackson smiled.  "What was your question, Corporal Mulderrig?"

"What's Linguistics, sir?" Mulderrig asked.

"Oh… well Linguistics is the scientific study of natural language," Jackson said before sighing when he saw the blank look on the soldiers' faces.  "Because I can read and speak a number of languages I can use those skills so I can figure out other languages I run across as long as they're have some roots based on Earth's language."

"What Daniel is trying to say is that he's really good at translating," Colonel O'Neill chimed in.  "He can translate almost everything except techno babble; Carter does that."

Dr. Daniel Jackson sighed wearily.  "Thank you Jack for your helpful comments."

"Not a problem, Daniel," Jack said with a grin.  "Always happy to help."

Daniel rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to Corporal Mulderrig.  "Did that clear things up, Corporal?"

Mulderrig nodded his head.  "Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir."

A black and white picture of an archaeology dig appeared on the wall behind Daniel.  "In 1928 an archaeology dig conducted by Professor Langford and discovered what we call the Stargate and it's coverstone," Daniel explained as the picture change to a color picture of a giant ring.

"At that time they we're able to translate the glyphs on the coverstone that they discover that the Stargate was device that at the time they believed was a weapon but it wasn't until later they realized their mistake and that Stargate was actually a device for interplanetary travel," Daniel explained.

"Interplanetary travel?  You mean off Earth to someplace else?" the black Air Force Technical Sergeant with the nametag of Epps asked.

"That's correct, Sergeant," Daniel said cheerfully.  "In fact we can go to thousands of different worlds and even into other universe using the Stargate."

The soldiers looked at each other however it was Sergeant Epps who summed it up when he moaned, "Oh that is so not good."

Before anyone had a chance to say anything Daniel said, "Actually it's a good thing!  You see a number of the planets we've visited has had human life on it whose ancestors had come from Earth."

"And went through the Stargate to get there?" soldier with the nametag of Shehan asked.

"Well not necessarily," Daniel said.  "You see there are other intelligent beings out there and some have spread the human race in order to preserve us and for other reasons."

"And the other reasons?" Captain Lennox asked wary.

"We will explain that in a moment, Captain," General Hammond said before Dr. Jackson could reply.  "Dr. Jackson perhaps you could continue with introduction."

"Right… umm… In 1996 we were finally able to activate the Stargate and travel to a planet called Abydos, where we met some people who could trace their ancestry back to Ancient Egypt," Daniel explained excitedly.   "Even after 5000 years the Abydonians still spoke and practice many things the way the Ancient Egyptians did such as the funerary rites."

"Daniel," Colonel O'Neill chastised as the doctor strayed from the topic at hand.

"In addition to meeting people who's ancestors came from Earth we have also met a number of non-Tau'ri races," Daniel explained'

"Tau'ri?" Corporal Mulderrig asked.

"It what our race, the humans from Earth are known as in the rest of the universe," Daniel explained.

"By everyone?" Epps asked.

Daniel nodded his head.  "So far everyone we've met who know about Earth have called us Tau'ri."

Captain Lennox leaned forward in his chair.  "And these other races, what can you tell us about them."

"Well we have regular contact with 4 races, actual 3 since the Tok'ra and the Goa'uld are the same race but with different philosophy about life and freedoms," Daniel explained as the picture behind him changed into that of a short grey alien with huge eyes.  "And this," Daniel waved at the picture, "is an Asgaurd."

"Looks like a Roswell grey," one of the soldiers said to himself.

"And you're right, he is," Daniel said happily.  "One of their ships crashed in Roswell in 1947.  It turns out that the Asgaurd are responsible for transplanting people after the Stargate was closed."

"And what do the Asgaurd get out of all of this?" Captain Lennox asked.

"They kind of view us as their little brothers and sisters," O'Neill said.

"So they were protecting us from what?" Captain Lennox asked.

"From us mostly," Daniel explained.  "On the planet Cimmeria, Thor, one of the Asgaurd we have regular contact with, had transplanted a community of Vikings who had been faced with starvation."

"Call me a cynic by no one ever does something like that without a reason behind it," Mulderrig said.  "So what is?  Are we a food source to them or something?"

"No," Daniel said as he shook his head.  "They're hoping we'll evolve into another of the Great Races."

"The Great Races?" Epps asked.

Daniel nodded his head.  "There was one 4 Great Races, the Ancient, Asgaurd, Nox and the Furling.  Together they explored the universe and guided lesser races until they can evolve to join them."

"Since you didn't mention any of the other Great Races beside the Asgaurd I take it they don't approve of us or something happened to them," Lennox said.

"The Ancients were hit by a plague and was forced to evolve into a higher race, more energy than matter.  They don't have much to do with anyone anymore.  The Nox have withdrawn and keep mostly to themselves.  They see us as violent children.  And no one is really sure what happen to the Furlings but we believe the have left for another universe," Daniel explained.

"Some Great Races they are," Shehan grumbled.  "One became high and mighty and turned their noses up at everyone.  Another got their feelings hurt so they ran home crying and locked the door.  And the last one moved away as fast as possible with no forwarding address or phone number."

"That's not what happened," Daniel protested.

Shehan snorted.  "Sir, no offense but that’s exactly what it sounds like happened.  I've seen it before.  Hell I'm one of them.  I ran away to the military when I was old enough to escape my home town and it will take hell and high water before I go back there."

"Can't disagree with the man's logic," Colonel O'Neill said thoughtfully.

"Jack!" Daniel said in outrage.  "You were there!  You saw!  You know it wasn't like that!"

Jack nodded his head, "I know that Daniel but I also know that he's right too."

"Just because they're a more advanced race doesn't mean they're a better one," Lennox said with a trace of wisdom.

"Even if they fight and squabble like children," Epps grumbled.

Captain Lennox shot Epps a look before turning back to Dr. Jackson.  "So who're the bad guys?"

"They are known as the Gou'alds," Teal'c said from where he sat patiently through the briefing.

The eyes of the soldiers being briefed turned to Teal'c.

"How bad are they?" Lennox asked.

"They believe they are gods," Teal'c replied simply

"So the standard worship me or die routine," Corporal Mulderrig commented.

"Along with torture and mind control," O'Neill chimed in.

"I can assume since they don't seem to be ruling the universe they never read the Evil Overlord’s List," Captain Lennox commented with a straight face.

Everyone stared at Lennox with expressions that went from confused to gobsmacked until Colonel O'Neill snorted and had a hard time trying to contain his laughter before giving in and starting to laugh.

Seeing his men's eyes Lennox shrugged his shoulders and said, "Bee."

With headshakes and eye rolls the soldiers turn back to the members of the SGC.

"So what else can you tell us about these Gou'alds?" Lennox asked.

"They're parasites that once they enter their host they attach themselves to the base of the brain stem and take over their host," Daniel explained as a picture of a Gou'ald with a scale to so that the could judge it's size appeared in the screen behind him.

Shehan was the first one to snicker as the soldiers tried to remain as emotionless as possible.  Sgt. Epps had tears in his eyes as the corners of his mouth kept trying to curl up.  Captain Lennox was biting his bottom as he too struggled not to laugh.

"Excuse me, sir," Shehan said hastily before ducking his head under the table and roared out laughing. 

This unfortunately seemed to break the well of the other men except for Epps and Lennox who both seem to be trying to maintain they're composers.

"This is not a laughing matter," Hammond growled as the member of SGC stared at the soldiers in confusion.

"Night of the Creeps," Mulderrig said as an explanation before he too ducked under the table to roar with laughter.

Hammond turned his steely eyes onto Captain Lennox and said in a warning tone, "I would like an explanation, Captain."

Lennox snorts.  "Sorry sir," he said as he struggles not to laugh.  "They look like slugs."

"And what does their appearance have to do with the fact that you and your team seem to find this briefing so hilarious?" the tone of Hammond’s voice warned those who worked for the SGC that he was running out of patience.

Lennox took a deep cleansing breath as he wiped his eyes.  "A friend has a… strong dislike for slugs and had sworn me and some others to secrecy so that when we had a B movie night with my team and friends, I couldn't warn my wife not to play her favorite movie."

"Which was Night of the Creeps," O'Neill concluded.

"Yes, sir," Lennox replied. 

"So because of that you find this humorous?" Hammond’s tone of voice clearly indicated that he was far from pleased.

"Sir," Sgt. Epps said respectfully. "You need to understand that… Hide… well he's a really big guy who really loves his weapons.  So it's a bit amusing to see him afraid of a tiny slug."

"I hardly see where a friend's phobia is a laughing matter," Major Carter commented.

"In all due respect, ma'am you need to meet Hide to understand," Shehan said as he and Mulderrig sat up in their chairs, wiping the tears of laugher from their faces.

"So how do you get these… slugs out once they're in someone?" Epps tried to defuse the situation.

"We can't," O'Neill said in disgust.  "Some of our allies can if you can get a hold of them when you need them and if they feel like helping."

"Right avoided getting slug-ed as much as possible," Shehan said as he looked at the picture with disgust

"Snaked," O'Neill corrected.  "They're more like snakes than slugs."

Shehan looked at the picture once again.  "Looks more like a slug to me."

"Yeah… well unfortunately the Tok'ra would take offence at being called slugs even if it fits some of them better," O'Neill comment.  "Beside they're pretty good jumpers when they want to be.  Especially when they're trying to take you over as a host."

"So the Tok'ra are the same as the Gou'alds?" Captain Lennox asked.

"Physically they're the same species," Daniel explained, "however they differ ideas about life and freedoms.  For example, while the Gou'alds have no problems taking anyone as a host the Tok'ra prefer to take a willing host."

"I'm assuming they have no problems taking an unwilling host when needed," Lennox committed

The members of SGC shifted uncomfortably while glancing slyly at Major Carter.

"We only know of one instance where they did. The one who did it was threatened by an assassin and his host was near death," Carter explained.  "The Tok'ra was willing to leave the body as soon as a willing host was available but it died saving the host’s life."

The soldiers were quick to pick up the uneasy glances that the members of SGC gave them and the way they seemed to react protectively toward Major Carter, that she must’ve been the host, though none of them commented on it.

"So this did… host suffer some side effects from what happened?" Lennox kept the question as generic as possible while watching Carter.

Carter shifted uncomfortably under Lennox's steely gaze.

"Just a few extra memories and other stuff," O'Neill said in a nonchalant manner.

Lennox leaned back in his seat with a nod of his head at O'Neill unspoken warning that this was a matter to be dropped.

"So if these Gou'alds believe they're gods then they must have worshippers.  So who keeps the worshippers in line?" one of the soldiers who hadn't spoken yet asked.

"Jaffa," Teal'c answered.

"Jaffa?"

"Yeah," Colonel O'Neill said.  "They're a genetically engineered race created by the Gou'alds to serves as bodyguards, warriors and… incubators"

"Incubators?"

At this question Teal'c stood up and pulled his shirt up to exposed the flap in his stomach.  The head of a Gou'ald pushed it way out of the pouch and hiss at the soldiers.

The soldiers were out of their seats, their hands reaching for their missing weapons as they started at Teal'c and at his stomach.

"What the fuck!"

"And that’s Junior," O'Neill said with a smirk.

"Okay that’s just… wrong!" Epps exclaimed as he shivered in disgust as the Gou'ald withdrew into the pouch.

"Teal'c’s symbiote is immature and doesn't present a security risk right now," Carter explained as she tried to ease their concern.

"Yeah that may be so but that… that thing is in his stomach," Mulderrig said as he pointed at Teal'c as he tucked his shirt back in.  "That's just… wrong."

"Unfortunately the Jaffa need to Gou'alds to survive.  It's how the Gou'alds control them," Daniel explained.

"Okay and you're on Earth, why?" Lennox asked as the men eased back to their seat carefully watching Teal'c the whole time.

"O'Neill offered me the opportunity to free my people from the Gou'alds," Teal'c replied.

"So you're a freedom fighter," Shehan said.  "I can respect that.  Don't like the slug but… you got to do what you do."

"Off world activation!"

"Perhaps you gentlemen would like to see the Stargate in action," General Hammond suggests as the blast shields slide away from the windows.

Lennox and his men rose from their chair and walked over to the window.  They watched with wide eyes, as the ring seemed to erupt a blast of water before sucking it back to form a pool of water standing vertically.

"Looks like a toilet flushing in reverse," Epps commented.

"That's what I said," O'Neill commented.

"That was the energy vortex that formed when the wormhole is contented between the two gates," Major Carter explained.

"Still looks like a toilet throwing up," Mulderrig said.  "Or maybe fishing with TNT."

"So what else does it do?" Lennox asked as they watched people and containers come out of the gate.

"What else?" Carter said in confusion.

"Yeah.  Does it do anything else?" Epps asks.

"Gentlemen this device allows us to travel to other planets in an instant.  I mean that pretty impressive," Carter stated in defense of the Stargate.

"So it doesn't change diapers?" Lennox asked with a touch of mischief in his voice.

"No.  It doesn’t change diapers," Carter said in outrage.  "I don't think you understand the importance of this."

"Oh no we get it Major," Mulderrig said.  "We're just not impressed."

"I give it 4 out of 10," Shehan said as he turned away from the window and walked back to his chair.

"Oh come on!" one of the soldiers said as he followed Shehan back to his seat.  "It's at least a 7 for the ick factor."

"The ick factor?  Please! Mulderrig had a greater ick factor last time he tried to cook," Shehan replied.

"Hey!" Mulderrig said in outrage.

"Hay is for horses, you know that," Shehan stated before turning back to the other soldier.  "What we have here is the Star Trek - The Wrath of Khan, meets Aliens, meets Night of the Creeps with ET thrown in for the kiddies."

Hammond's face grew red as the soldiers dismissed all the work, blood, sweat and tears that have been shed for the good of Earth and the universe reducing it into movie references.

"I'm being to think they need some R&R," Lennox said thoughfully as he ignored the outraged expressions of the members of SGC.

"Tokyo Drift?" Epps suggested.

Lennox grinned at his friend.  "In a semi?"

"You think the Big Guy would do it?" Epps asked.

"In a heartbeat.  In heartbeat," Lennox replied with a smirk.  "I swear he's more playful than Bee is someday."

"Gentlemen," Hammond snarled the word with disgust.  "You might find this all fun and games but I can assure you it not.  Men and women die everyday protecting our world from threats you don't know about."

The playful act of the soldiers fell away as they turned to General with a look of disgust.

"Tell me General, exactly why are we here?" Lennox demanded.  "Because it seems damn obvious that you were never briefed about us."

"You and your team were recommended by Defense Secretary Keller," Colonel O'Neill stated.  "He implied that your team would make a good addition to SGC and what we've seen of your records, he was right."

Lennox and his men looked at each other.

"Why in hell would he do that?" Mulderrig asked what they were all thinking.

Lennox turned and looked down upon the Stargate.  "Project Back Door," Lennox said never noticing how Hammond and O'Neill stiffened at the name.  "He wanted us to know how Sam could escape if he ever need to."

"He probably wanted us to meet the teams that would take him through it if he had to do a runner," Epps suggested. 

"I think you need to started explaining, right now," General Hammond commanded.

"With all due respect, sir, if you haven't already been briefed on my unit and what we do then I can't tell you a thing," Lennox replied.

"Sir," Epps said as he looked back and before between his Captain and the General.  "With how Keller arranged for us to learn about that." Epps nodded to the Stargate.  "I would assume someone didn't want us to know about it either."

"What do you know a politician that not only knows how to use a shotgun but has a brain too," Mulderrig commented smugly.

"He did a stint in the military," Shehan said.

"Which branch?" Mulderrig asked.

"Marines," Shehan shook his head sadly.

"Shehan do you remember what happened the last time you insulted a Marine?" Lennox said.

"No, sir," Shehan replied, "but the doctor said amnesia is normal with head injuries.”

"That boy will never learn," Epps shook his head sadly

Lennox sighed wearily before turning to the General and the other members of SGC.  "So do you like steak?"

"Excuse me?" Hammond sputtered at this sudden change in topics.

"Steaks.  We meet once a month for a movie night.  Some steaks on the grill.  Cold beers," Lennox explained.  "When's the next one?" Lennox turned and asked Epps.

"Not this Saturday but the following one," Epps replied.

"And it's 'attack of the killer whatever from wherever'," Shehan chimed in.

"No that was last month," Mulderrig corrected.  "We had an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes marathon.  4 movies and over 6 hours of it."

"Ohhhh," Shehan said.  "I was drunk wasn't I?"

"We were all drunk," Lennox said as he rubbed his head at the memory.

"I thought there were only 3 movies," O'Neill said.  "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  The Return and Strikes Back."

"Killer Tomatoes Eat France."

"Oh," There was a slight gleam in O'Neill’s eyes.

"No.  No Jack," Daniel said  "Just… no."

Jack shrugged his shoulders with a knowing smirk on his face.  "So what should we bring?"

"No coleslaw!" a voice called out.  "Coleslaw bad!  Evil!"

"Yeah coleslaw is not a good idea," Mulderrig chimed in.  "That chocolate pudding stuff is good."

"Beer is good," Shehan suggested.  "No hard liquor.  Sarah would be pissed."

"Sarah's my wife," Lennox said as he noticed the questioning look.  "Like they said beer is good."

"So what flavor pie do you want?" Jack asked gleefully.