Work Text:
Make It Go Away
by Natalie L
May 2000
Make it go away, or make it better.
Isn't that what love's supposed to do?
Make it go away, or make it better.
'Cause I would do either one for you.
"Make It Go Away"
Performed by Holly Cole on her
"Dark Dear Heart" Album, 1997
He could smell dinner cooking as he walked down the hall, even before he opened the door to the loft. He relished the nights it was his partner's turn to cook. Along with all his other eccentric talents, Blair had developed a flair for fine cuisine that his friend heartily appreciated.
"Hey, Jim!" Blair looked up from the pot he was stirring to smile a welcome.
The lines of strain in his face, barely noticeable to anyone else, stood out in stark relief to Jim's keen eyesight. Walking over to the kitchen, he stopped next to his roommate.
"You don't look so hot, Chief. What's up?"
"Nothing. Just a bit of a headache."
"More than a bit." He reached over to take the spoon from Blair's hand. "Why don't you let me take over? You go take some aspirin and lie down."
"No, I'm fine. Really." He clung tightly to the spoon and concentrated on his work.
"Okay. Have it your way. I'm going to go take a quick shower before dinner." Shrugging out of his shirt, he headed toward the bathroom.
Blair leaned heavily against the counter, squeezing his eyes shut against the pounding in his temples. He hadn't had a headache like this since ... since.... It's been a while, he thought. Suddenly, a pain ripped through him that felt as though someone was tearing off the top of his skull. His cry brought Jim from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, barely in time to catch him as he sank to his knees.
"Sandburg! ... Blair?" Concerned blue eyes watched the young man grind fists into pounding temples. Wrapping an arm around his waist, Jim tried lifting him to his feet. "Come on, Sandburg. Help me here. We've got to get you to bed."
Blair pulled his feet underneath his body and tried to stand. Steadied by his partner's strong arms, he stumbled into his bedroom and fell onto the mattress.
Jim sat next to his friend, worry lining his face. He pulled the tight fists away from Blair's temples and began a gentle massage. The younger man moaned, but his body began to relax. "There, there," he soothed. "It's going to be all right. Can I get you something? Aspirin? Anything?"
Shaking his head carefully, Blair just mumbled, "No. Nothing helps." A brief pause followed before he sat up suddenly. "Oh, God!"
Before Jim could register what was happening, Blair was up and running. Adjusting the towel around his waist, he followed to the bathroom, where Blair was leaning over the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl.
Crouching next to his friend, Jim gently lifted the long hair from his face, holding it clear until he was certain Blair was finished. He fetched a cool, damp cloth and carefully wiped the young man's face.
Blair took the cloth and covered his eyes. "Man, that feels good!" he sighed.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, extremely pale and smelling of vomit, Blair looked very small and vulnerable. Jim picked him up and carried him back into the bedroom, laying him on the bed.
"Thanks, man. I'm feeling better now."
"You sure as hell don't look better. Care to tell me what's going on here? Since when do you have migraines?"
"It's nothing, Jim. Really. Please, I just need to rest." He tried waving his friend away, but met with limited success.
"I'm going to go get dressed," Jim told him. "Don't go anywhere." His last statement was met with a weak smile and with a careful shake of a head.
As he turned to leave, a small cry issued from behind him. Turning back, he watched as Blair stiffened. A few moments later, he began seizing. Jim was immediately back at the bed. Rolling Sandburg onto his side, he tucked a pillow beneath his head, loosened his collar and held him lightly, letting the seizure run its course. Blair's shallow breathing and the bluish tint to his skin squeezed at Jim's heart. He fought back his panic as he waited. There was little else he could do for now. Three very long minutes later, the shaking stopped and Blair collapsed.
"Chief? Hey, Blair." Jim shook him gently. "Blair? It's okay, Kid. Come on. Wake up."
Blair's eyelids fluttered open. Confused blue eyes greeted Jim's. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?"
"You were going to go get dressed. I remember you leaving."
"And...?"
"And now you're here. You didn't get dressed. What happened?"
Jim sighed, rubbing his friend's shoulder. "You had a seizure."
"Shit!" Blair's face screwed up with disgust and he tried to turn away.
"Not so fast. You've got some explaining to do."
"Can it wait?" an exhausted Blair asked. "I'm so tired...." His words trailed off as his eyes drooped shut.
"Yeah, sure," Jim answered the sleeping man. Stretching out on the bed, he wrapped an arm protectively around his roommate.
An hour later, Blair awoke. Needing some time alone, he attempted to slip out from beneath Jim's embrace.
"Not so fast!" The arm reasserted its grip, keeping the anthropologist pinned to the bed. "You've still got some explaining to do."
"There's nothing to talk about. I had a seizure. It's no big deal."
"What'dya mean, 'it's no big deal'? It's a hell of a big deal! This isn't the first time, is it?" Fear laced the anger in Jim's voice. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Look, Jim," Blair said, trying to sound reasonable. "I haven't had a seizure in over ten years. It just didn't occur to me to tell you, all right?"
"You've got a history."
"Yeah. I was diagnosed with epilepsy as a kid. Had my first seizure when I was eight."
"Why aren't you wearing a medic alert bracelet?"
"Jim! Chill, will you, man? I gave that thing up years ago."
"WHY?" Jim hissed between clenched teeth.
"Because. Just because." Blair sighed, already tired from the conversation he didn't want to have. He rolled over to look at his best friend who was now sitting beside him on the bed. Tipping his head up to meet Jim's eyes, he continued. "These things only happen when I'm stressed. I haven't been stressed enough to have one for years. The last seizure was when I was sixteen. I had just started college. There was a lot of pressure on me to perform 'cause I was so young. It just happened one night in the dorm. After that, nothing. Nada. No more headaches, no more seizures. After a couple years, I ditched the bracelet." He studied the grim man beside him.
"You mean to tell me that with everything you've been through, including Lash, you haven't been under enough stress to bring one of these on? I find that a little hard to believe, Chief." He watched the young man blanch at the mention of his kidnapper.
"I'm not afraid of dying, Jim," Blair whispered. "Well, not much, anyway."
"Then what *are* you so afraid of?" The older man's countenance softened as he watched tendrils of fear creep into dusty blue eyes. He had to concentrate on his sentinel senses to hear the answer.
"I'm afraid of losing you."
########
It took him several minutes to process the statement. "Afraid of losing ... me? What do you mean? I'm not going anywhere."
Blair swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "How about I put on some tea while you get dressed? Having you sitting next to me wearing that towel is a little unnerving." He smiled nervously at his friend as he stood. Turning his back to the room, he exited quickly.
Jim rose more slowly, looking over his shoulder to the kitchen as he made his way to the stairs.
A short while later, he descended from his room, fully clothed, to find Blair sitting on the couch, feet tucked under him, sipping on a mug of tea. Sitting next to him, he picked up his mug and inhaled the rich aroma of one of the anthropologist's herbal blends. Sipping the hot liquid carefully, he eyed his companion. "So, what's the deal here?"
"You remember a couple weeks ago when you lost your senses?"
Memories flashed quickly through the cop's mind. Shooting an innocent security guard at the mall. His senses shutting down. Incacha. The Chopec. Sentinels, Guides and Shamans. It all whirled through his brain with painful clarity. A conversation with Blair in the car ... My God! Could that be it? "Yeah, but that's over, Chief. I got my senses back. You're not going anywhere. I need you."
"I didn't know that then, Jim. You were so wrapped up in the case, in Incacha's death ... you didn't see me ... my fear. I realized something then. Something I think I've known for a while, but wasn't admitting to myself." Blair grew silent, withdrawing into himself. He stared out the windows at the city. Oh, to be able to fly away right now. Escape. Suddenly, he didn't want to be near this man anymore. The closeness stifled him, robbed his lungs of air.
"Blair?" Jim sidled closer, placing a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder. "What is it?"
Turning back, he tilted his head up to look the taller man in the eyes. "I love you." The whisper could only have been heard by sentinel ears.
Jim pulled back slightly, looking at his partner, confusion written across his features. "Well, yeah. I love you, too."
"You don't understand, Jim." Blue eyes pleaded for understanding. "I *love* you. You know...." His voice trailed off again as his eyes sought the city, avoiding the bewildered look on Jim's face. "...I love you." The confession was so soft, even the sentinel almost didn't hear. "I didn't want to say anything for fear you'd kick me out. I couldn't stand that." He sighed deeply. "I wouldn't have said anything, but the damn seizure forced the issue."
"I ... I don't know what to say, Chief," Jim answered with equal softness. "You've become closer to me than my own brother, and I love you as my best friend, but...."
"You don't have to say it," Blair interrupted. He unfurled his legs and stood, turning to look at his would-be lover. "I'll go get a room at a motel for the night. I'll come pick up my stuff when I find a place to stay."
A hand on his arm stopped his retreat. "No way. You're not leaving." Jim pulled him back down on the couch. "We'll work something out. Some sort of compromise?"
"Compromise?" For once, the young genius looked totally clueless. Jim smiled.
"Yeah. Something we can both be comfortable with." Wrapping an arm around Blair's shoulders, he pulled the startled man close to his chest, brushing tendrils of wild hair from his face. "This is nice," he sighed, resting his chin on the top of Blair's head.
They sat in blissful silence for several minutes. Looking up at the older man, Blair smiled. "Kiss?" His eyes were hopeful.
"Whoa, Casanova. Don't push it." Jim's tone was firm, but teasing.
Blair chuckled. "Can't blame a guy for trying."
"You little scamp!" Jim ruffled his companion's long hair while he laughed. "I should've known if I gave you an inch, you'd take a mile!"
"So...." Blair paused a moment to collect his emotions. "What do we do now? Where do we go from here?"
"I was afraid you'd get around to asking that." Jim sighed deeply. Untangling himself from their embrace, he sat back and observed the younger man. "Count yourself lucky I *didn't* toss you out on your cute behind." He smiled gently to soften the statement. The look of worry that crossed Blair's features concerned him. "Sorry. You have to know I couldn't do that. No matter what you say, or how you feel. I just need some space. I want to know I'm still free to date, to come and go as I please."
"Sure, Jim. Of course. Okay. Anything you need. Just let me know." His hands fluttered nervously as he spoke.
"Calm down, Chief," Jim said, capturing both hands, holding them gently in his own. "You'll bring on another of those damn seizures.
"Look. I'm not insensitive to your feelings. I just need time to adjust to the idea. Okay?" His hands moved to cradle Blair's face. Dusty blue eyes, filled with fear and hope, met his. Drawn to those eyes like a moth to a flame, Jim leaned in, allowing his lips to gently brush his companion's.
Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's neck, pulling him closer. Pressing his lips more firmly against his lover's, he deepened the kiss. When they finished, Jim sat back, obviously shaken by the encounter. Blair watched nervously for signs of rejection. Maybe he'd gone too far?
Several minutes passed as Jim's roommate fidgeted. Slowly, a grin spread across Jim's features. "Come here." He held out his arms, gathering the smaller man to him. "It's gonna be okay. We'll work it out. Maybe, down the line ... who knows?" He looked down into eyes filled with love.
THE END