Work Text:
Safety XI
By Jadzia
Black.
It's black.
Dark.
Empty.
Outside and inside.
The way it should be.
Easy.
Time is gone.
As I am.
Gone.
It's so cold that the cold is gone, too.
Nice.
Wonder if he'll miss me... but no.
Less chaos, less hurt without me.
I'll go to sleep.
Finally.
Tired.
Sleep.
*********
Moving. Swaying.
Still dark. Still cold.
Don't know where I am.
Too cold to feel my legs... tumbling.
Tumbletumbletumble and falling. To the ground.
"Alex? Can you hear me? Alex ?!"
Mulder.
Shut up, my head hurts.
I wanted it black and dark and empty.
And quiet, thank you very much.
Don't want to drift up to the light again.
Not so soon.
Not ever.
Want to drift again...
"Alex, c'mon, stay with me. I need you to walk."
Walk.
Right.
Walk away.
This is wrong.
I walked away.
Because you didn't want to be with me.
Around me.
And now... this is confusing.
He hauls me up, his arm around my shoulders, nice... but this is wearing me out, can't walk without legs...
"Work with me here, Alex. We need to get back to the cabin, into the warmth."
Warmth...
I walk, maybe you'll shut up then, and it'll be quiet again.
I don't know what warmth feels like.
Do I want to?
But then I would feel the bite of the cold again...
Now it's soft and dark and tired.
Like this far better than the pain.
Far better.
Don't want any more pain.
Time is gone again.
I'm on a couch or something, and my legs hurt like hell.
Hell.
Needles and fire and pain and the cold is there again.
I knew it.
I don't want to be here.
I want to be gone.
"It will soon be better. Take these, okay?" and some pills are in my mouth.
Swallow, and I'm going - nice.
*********
I'm there, again.
Dammit.
At least my legs have stopped hurting.
Everything else still does.
Thanks, Mulder.
Hey, shades. I can see a little.
Pity, I liked the dark. Made everything smooth. Velvet.
That must be Mulder on the opposite sofa.
"Hey." He says softly. "How are you?"
Never been better. "Can't see."
"You're probably snow-blind."
No kidding. I had to stare at it for I don't know how long to make the annoying white go away. Liked the black after that a lot better.
"Are you hungry?"
"No." Though I should be, probably - but I'm not.
He's sitting on the edge of my couch now, so I can see him a little better. I'll have to think about whether I want him or the darkness - but not now.
"You should try to sleep, then."
Oh - sleep was the thing when you closed your eyes and laid thinking until it was time to stand up again, right?
Nope, don't feel like it.
"I can't."
"You mean..." he sounds hesitant. "You haven't slept well here, right?"
"Right."
"Is there anything I could do?"
Now I'm hesitating. And I will not ask.
It would just make it worse.
"No."
Another few moments of blessed silence..
"You slept well that night in the motel, didn't you?"
Boom - a Mulder-bomb.
He's right.
But that doesn't make anything better.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Suddenly I'm off of the couch, and somehow he manages to direct my tumbling into the bedroom.
"Mulder, this is *not* a good idea-"
"Fine." He has my shirt off in no time. "What else will make you sleep?"
"C'mon Mulder, I don't have a clue, but *this*-"
"Okay. You don't know anything that will help - I do. You need to sleep. So what?"
My sweatpants are off, too... he's just too fast for me, I knew I shouldn't have taken those pills.
"It won't kill me if I don't sleep for another night." I say stubbornly, although it won't help me. Not against Mulder in full action.
"You will sleep. And tomorrow we will talk."
Oh. Well.
Somehow I'm in bed now, and suddenly I know again how warmth feels.
In the moment you lie down behind me, I don't need the extra-blankets anymore. Your heat seeps through me, everywhere we touch. I feel you pressed against me, your arm around my chest, our fingers intertwined. Your hair tickles.
My eyelids are heavy.
Warm.
I will know the cold again.
So warm.
So, so warm...
*********
His head is lying on my chest, my hand on his back, our legs tangled.
That's how I woke up. I haven't moved an inch since.
I can see much more now.
And I can think clearer, which isn't necessarily a good thing.
I can't get away from him.
I tried to die, dammit, and he didn't let me.
I will live on.
Maybe that's okay, I need to protect him, after all.
I don't want him to get hurt.
He is so warm and beautiful in my arms... a moment like this could almost make me believe that it's worth it.
The hurt that will follow.
The cold when he's gone.
I'll have to ask him why he came searching for me.
He stirs.
"Hey." Sleepy voice. Adorable.
"Morning." I say softly. He doesn't move.
"You feeling better?"
"A little."
He perks up at me. "How's your sight?"
"A lot better." I tell him, and he yawns and climbs out of the bed.
"Good," he mumbles and disappears into the bathroom.
Cold.
"Alex? Are you okay?"
I feel another blanket being tucked in around me. Doesn't help.
"Cold," I manage.
"Yeah, you're shivering," he murmurs. I feel his hand on my forehead, searing. "You don't run a fever. Why don't you take a hot shower, and I'll go and make a fire. And something to warm you up from the inside."
He gives me a look and I nod.
You make me warm, I think, as I watch him walk into the living room.
But I better not say this aloud.
I manage to shiver my way into the shower, and yes, the hot water feels kinda nice. Warm clothes on the bed. Nice, too.
I feel fuzzy. Must be the painkillers.
Oh, a fire in the living room - this is *far* too nice.
"Mulder?"
"Hey." He comes out of the kitchen and hands me a mug. "I'll be there in a second."
"Okay." I sit down on the rug in front of the fire. And look into my mug.
Wow.
I almost have to smile.
"Mulder, am I this ill?"
"Hm?" he makes and sits down next to me with his own cup. "Why?"
"The stuff in my cup."
"Hot chocolate?" He's still gorgeous when he's irritated.
"Yes. And marshmallows. Your *holy* marshmallows. The small ones."
He almost had a fit in the store because they had only one package of the small ones left. Half
shelf was packed with the big ones, but no, Special Agent Fox Mulder needed small marshmallows.
He smiles. "I thought we needed it."
I find myself smiling back a little. I'm afraid I'll need more than that, but I guess this will do for the moment.
"So, what now?"
You sip your chocolate, not looking at me.
The cup warms my hand.
"I thought we should talk," you say, shooting me a quick glance.
This doesn't feel good.
I didn't walk away because I wanted to talk.
I wanted to be gone.
Because I'm scared you'll find a way. For us. A way that I won't be able to say no to.
I can't stay and protect you.
You won't let me go away and die.
I don't know what else to do.
There's no choice, anymore.
I took the wrong one once, and no matter what I do now, I can't change it.
*I* can't change.
I have to be as I am to survive.
I change, I die.
It's that simple.
The only difficult thing is that I have to leave you.
That I'll probably never be able to see you again, because I won't be able to walk away again.
"It's amazing, you don't even have a cold."
"Not yet." Another reason to stay here, great. I can feel it creeping up inside me, already. "And when it's over, I'll go. For good."
"I know," you say softly, watching your marshmallows melt. "Will you come back?"
"I probably won't be able to." I obfuscate.
"Why?"
Oh, Mulder. Is there anything you *don't* want to know?
"I have very little free time in my job, you know." That's the second-best argument, and I hope you'll buy it.
"You had enough time to - visit me before."
Should've known.
These marshmallows look funny when they're melting and mixing with the chocolate. Nice. Sweet.
"It wouldn't do any good, Mulder."
"I think it would."
The real ones melt more slowly than the instant stuff.
"I want to see you again, Alex."
"It's not possible, Mulder. Just accept it, okay?"
I knew that talking would be in vain. I knew we would just get mad at each other, and everything would start all over again.
"I can't, Alex. And I won't. It's not that you can't, it's that you don't *want* to."
Oh, no, of course, I'm not even *fond* of you.
No way.
I snort. "Right, Mulder. I don't want to. I don't want to leave a long sought-out hiding place *again* to save your sorry ass from some self-inflicted trouble. Been there, done that, okay?!"
You look at me, blank, sullen... your eyes not hard, but overbright.
I don't know how much more I have to hurt you to make you drive me away. To make you let me go.
"You won't let me close, not ever, right? God, Alex, can't you let your walls down just for a few minutes?"
You wouldn't like what's behind.
There's no air here, your hurt is suffocating me, and slamming down my cup doesn't help.
"You don't know what you're asking." I tell you harshly, and probably the bedroom is a lot quieter, with more air and less hurt Mulder in it.
I slam the door shut behind me, too late to miss your whisper.
"I know, Alex. Believe me, I know."
THE END
02.01.2000-27.01.2000
By Jadzia