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Summary: Martouf/Lantash and Malek/Devlin are on Earth taking a much needed vacation. They explain to Sam that they would like to see Tau'ri farming methods to see if they are similar to other worlds they have visited. Perhaps they have knowledge the Tau'ri could use or the Tau'ri have methods that would help other peoples. Sam talks to Janet, and they decide to take them to visit Janet's Uncle Ed's Farm. The two Tok'Ra are looking forward to taking part in Tau'ri Farming Methods. However, ... you see... Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot.
Rating: PG
“Italics” – Symbiote-Host communications
Author: Pagan Twylight
Enraged Roosters and Amorous Swine
Everything Went Wrong
Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot. Totally, absolutely, completely screwed up. A Tau'ri expression, screwed up. It should be screwed down, of course, but like many other things on the Tau'ri world, it, also, was screwed up. Like his entire life. Even Lantash was not speaking to him. That could be because he laughed himself into unconsciousness. At least he healed his foot first.
"Martouf, are you sure you don't want to come in and have some pie and ice cream? It is really good, and I think you would enjoy it," Sam cajoled him gently.
Martouf sighed, as he stared out across the open field, "No, Samantha, I believe that I should probably stay here, so that I do not destroy anything, or incite any other creature to either anger or lust. There does not appear to be anything here that I can harm, or turn into a crazed beast, and I will be sure to stay away from anything that is either breakable or alive, I assure you."
Sam's lips twitched, but she kept her countenance straight. "Now, Martouf, you know, it was not your fault. None of it. Janet's Uncle Ed told you the same thing. That hog really likes you, and there was nothing you could do about it. Aunt May scolded Uncle Ed and said that he should never have let you go in there with them in the first place, but as he said, it never occurred to him that the pigs in the pigsty would knock you down. It was really a good thing that Besse fell in love with you, because she made the others kind of stay away from you, until you could get out of the hog wallow and out of the pen. Aunt May only had to wash your clothes twice to get the smell out of them. They really are fine, now. Truly."
Martouf sighed again, "You are not going to convince me that I am not a danger to you and Janet, Samantha. While it was a very great kindness of you and Janet to bring me here, so that I could experience the farming aspect of rural life on the Tau'ri world, as I requested, it is obvious that I am not attuned to it. Anyone who can become entangled in a fence that small, almost deliver both himself and his symbiote to death by electrocution, before anyone can turn it off, and in addition completely destroy the fence, deserves everything that he gets."
"Lantash is still not speaking to me. I am not sure if it is because he hates being electrocuted, or because he laughed himself into unconsciousness again, about the bull chasing us across the field and into the fence. He seems to be finding a great deal of amusement in the things I have had happening to me."
"Martouf, a very large bull was chasing you across that field, and Uncle Ed apologized for not telling you he was in the pasture. He never even thought about it, when he sent you to put that sack of corn in the shed, and he should have told you which shed. It is just that we are so used to knowing where things go, you know. It was not your fault about the fence either. No one thought to explain about electric fences to you, that is all. And, it was a good thing that Besse got out and went looking for you again, because it startled the bull, and he stopped chasing you to see what she was and what she was doing there."
"Uncle Ed was very impressed with the fact that you didn't drop the bag of corn, even when you fell over the first fence and were being electrocuted by the second one." She tried teasing him gently, but he was much to upset to respond, so she tried another direction.
"And, as for the rooster, well, any of us can have that happen any day that old bird is loose. It appears that he escaped earlier during the, ah, chicken incident. Anyway, all you did was hang yourself on the clothesline and almost kill the rooster. If the clothesline hadn't tried to strangle you, I don't think the rooster, or the goat, would have caught you at all. You fought back better than anyone else I have ever seen, too. Honestly, I mean it. I had peck marks all over my body when it happened to me."
Martouf blinked at her. "Samantha, are you saying that you have had the rooster attack you?"
"Sure. It happens to everyone that is new, Martouf. I have never been hung up in the electric fence or the clothesline, but that is only because Janet warned me. I should have said something to you about it, but it has been a while since I've been here, and I forgot. I really am very sorry."
Martouf stared down at his foot as he kicked the toe of his cowboy boot against the post on the porch. Still not looking at her, he murmured, "You did not fall off your horse. Three times."
"I fell off the first time I rode, though. You just didn't get the girth tight enough. You will do better tomorrow."
Martouf sighed, "You did not fall into a pig wallow."
"No. No, I have to admit that pleasure of country living still awaits me. But, it's possibly because I've never offered to slop the hogs. You did offer."
Martouf nodded, dejectedly. "You did not have a goat try to eat your shirt, while you battled an enraged rooster. You may have fought the rooster, but you were not being attacked from two directions at once. He-he tried to eat the seat of my blue jeans, too. After I finally flung the rooster away, and was bent over getting my hat, he attacked me in the-the butt, and knocked me back down. You did not have that happen."
"No, not while I was recovering from the rooster's attack, but I have been on the wrong end of a goat and been knocked down. Martouf, you are not the only person these things have happened to, I assure you. You are just the only one they all happened to today."
"Samantha," Martouf explained, resignedly, "A chicken broke my foot. Can you not understand what that means? My entire life is in shambles. When a chicken can break your foot, your usefulness, your life, is over. I passed out, Samantha, and when I woke up, there was a chicken sitting on my foot where she broke it. I have never passed out from a broken bone before. At least, not one so minute. Not only that but, Samantha, everything went wrong after the chicken broke my foot."
He stared across the field once more. "That is not all." He paused. "The llama spit on me."
Sam could stand no more of the forlorn note in his voice. Wrapping her arms around his waist, she leaned into him and kissed him gently on the dimple in his chin, "Oh, my love, I am so sorry. I will...I will spit on the llama for you tomorrow, first thing. I promise. But, I think there is something that you are under a misconception about."
"What is that, Samantha?" It was nice holding her close. She was soft, feminine, and smelled sweet. Unlike llama spit, which was rather vile.
"Martouf, the chicken did not break your foot. The heavy wooden crates she knocked off the shelf trying to get to you broke your foot. One of them knocked you out too; you did not pass out from the broken bone."
Martouf stared at her. "Do you mean that I spent the entire day being accident prone, when I did not have to be? I could have avoided all of this if Lantash had simply told me the truth? That is why he has been so quiet all day except for his bouts of hysterical laughter." Martouf looked angry, but then another thought entered his mind, and he groaned as the anger left him.
"It was still the chicken, Samantha. No matter how you look at it. Whether the chicken did it with her own body, or not, she still caused it to happen. The chicken broke my foot. I am doomed."
Sam laughed softly. Hugging him to her, she said warmly, "Well, Mr. Doomed, for now, I suggest that you push that sad face away, and come inside for pie and ice cream. Malek is still healing Devlin's shoulder from where he fell out of the peach tree, and his sprained ankle from when he fell off the tractor into the pond. Dev has had several accidents, too, you know. He fell out of the haymow when he caught his fingers in the twine on a bale of hay and he followed it down. He had a pretty good-sized goose egg on his forehead from that. He stabbed himself in the foot with a pitchfork and sat on a nail that was sticking up in an old board, too. Luckily, Uncle Ed wasn't around for the pitchfork, or the nail, so Malek could take care of them instead of Devlin having to go into town and get a tetanus shot."
"To make matters worse, he fell off the hay wagon, when they were picking up bales of hay in the field. I guess they stopped for a minute, and he was standing up on the top layer of bales on the back of the wagon, and then when they started moving again, it kind of jerked. They said he just sort of flew over backwards. He only cracked a rib, knocked the breath out of himself, and wrenched his back that time. Malek was able to block the pain enough that Dev could go on working, while he healed him, and no one even knew he had a cracked rib. So you see, he, ah, hasn't had the most accident free day either."
Sam smiled a little more. "You know, if you are Mr. Doomed, then he is Mr. My Death is Inevitable. He has had his share of accidents today, too. All he has moaned to Janet and Devlin about all evening are his "brushes with death" and that "my death is inevitable." Maybe you can cheer each other up by trying to out accident each other. He has refused to touch anything that is sharp and if he agrees to pick something up, it has to be smaller than a bale of hay with no visible way to attach itself to him."
Martouf sighed again. "Samantha, for how many more days are we here?"
"Six more, my love." She said understandingly.
He nodded his head, obviously resigned to the inevitable. "You know that Malek and Devlin will never allow us to live down the accidents I had today. All of them included animal life."
"Well, then you should point out that all of their injuries were self-inflicted. At least yours were caused by outside influences. So, which one of you is more accident prone?" Sam asked as she chuckled gently.
For the first time in several hours, Martouf smiled.
"She is correct, dear one. We will have one up on Malek and Devlin this time," Lantash sounded complacently content with the situation.
"Lantash?" Martouf gasped, as his lifemate spoke to him for the first time in what seemed as if it had been days, but had only been hours, he was sure.
"You did not truly imagine that I would abandon you?" Lantash asked softly.
"Where have you been?" Martouf demanded.
"Forcing myself to stay as quiet as possible. It would be too easy to give myself away. I have remained dormant, for much of the time, although I gave you extra speed during the bull escape, and tried to help during the electrocution. I have to confess to laughing, when I go through your memories, though," Lantash explained quietly.
"That is why your laughter is at odd times," Martouf responded, still somewhat disgruntled at Lantash's seeming desertion.
"Yes. However, more importantly, I have finished healing all of your aches and bruises now. Try to look on these things with amusement, Martouf, for they will be humorous later, I assure you. Furthermore, it is bringing us closer to Samantha," Lantash pointed out smugly."
"Yes, it is," Martouf, answered, seeming to become more optimistic on that thought. "She is waiting for me to decide on whether or not we want to eat pie and ice cream," Martouf commented questioningly.
"Pie sounds good and I believe I would like to try their ice cream, as well," Lantash urged him to agree to go with Samantha. "I believe I am a little hungry."
"Yes, it does sound good," Martouf, agreed. "You are correct, and I feel as if a little something to eat would not go amiss," he continued, seeming somewhat more cheerful. It was obvious that he had determined to make the best of the situation.
Thus making his decision, he nodded to their Samantha and said as he sent her another smile, "Samantha, let us go have pie and ice cream. Lantash says he is hungry and so am I. It seems he is staying dormant, so he will not come forward inadvertently and perhaps give us away."
Sam nodded her acceptance of his comment, as she opened the screen door and walked into the old farmhouse. Martouf stepped in behind her. The cat, ecstatic that he had finally returned to her, took a flying leap off the mantle and landed on his shoulder, causing him to stumble backwards into the wall beside the door, as well as a small table. The lamp on the table fell to the floor and a picture fell from the wall. In the kitchen, they heard Devlin/Malek yell, as he dropped the ice cream maker on his foot.
Everything went wrong after the chicken broke his foot. Seeing the smile on his Samantha's face, hearing the laughter in her voice, and seeing what looked very much like love in her eyes was worth it. Tomorrow would be better...he could feel it in his bones.
The End.