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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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2020-11-05
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1,796
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Leap Of Faith

Summary:

post-series, specific spoilers for the finale. angsty shmoop ahead! and some bad language.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Leap Of Faith
by nancy

"So I hear that old partner of yours is doing great things overseas."

Christian froze at the first word and then looked up, incredulous, by the end of the sentence. Sean stood in his office doorway grinning from ear to ear and looking a hell of a lot better than Christian had seen him in years. Maybe a couple of decades. His eyes were clear and his back straight with an underlying pride. He automatically noted a new scar, approximately a couple of months old, that ran across Sean's left temple, but otherwise the other man looked…perfect.

Sean chuckled and continued, "What, no words for the prodigal?"

Christian shook off the shock and jumped to his feet. He strode across the room and grabbed Sean in a tight hug, unable to speak for fear of losing control completely. It had been ten months since he'd watched Sean walk away from him in the airport. No, he'd been walking towards a new life, a better one, and Christian had been the one to shove him at it.

Sean's arms came up strong around him and for a few minutes they just stood there, holding onto one another. Christian almost couldn't believe his senses, but it was really Sean; he smelled just the same, barring the lack of cologne. Felt different though. He'd gotten stronger and leaner in the last ten months, probably from working non-stop in poor conditions in a war zone or something equally as horrific but nobly self-sacrificing.

Finally, Sean pulled back and just looked at him, hands gripping Christian's shoulders firmly. Whatever he saw there made his smile fade, which was the last thing in the world that Christian wanted so he exclaimed, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming? I would have picked you up at the airport!"

Sean released him and answered, "I wanted to surprise you."

"Well you did that," Christian said. He paused and then said, "I don't need to ask how you are. You look great, Sean."

Sean half-smiled at that and said, "As great as twenty-four hours of travel lets me be, anyhow. Lots of snow delays at connecting flights. Almost didn't make it out of Chicago."

"Well I'm damn glad you did. You want a drink?"

Shaking his head, Sean answered, "Probably not. I haven't eaten in about five hours."

Christian nodded automatically and said, "Of course. You want to go out? Or I could order something and have it delivered. Liz had a couple of Thai places on speed dial towards the end of the pregnancy."

Sean grinned at that as he said, "Did she? Spicy food cravings, huh? Julia had that with Annie. Actually, you know what I want?"

"Name it."

"You."

Christian's mouth clicked shut on the bubble of confusion that wanted to escape. He retreated instantly, sitting up straight and withdrawing so he could see where Sean was going with that one simple word. There were so many different ways that it could be taken and he knew without a doubt that it wasn't in the way he'd been wanting for years.

Sean's mouth twitched into a brief smile and he said, "Christian Troy speechless. I never thought I would see the day."

Christian let out an annoyed sigh and said, "I was waiting for you to finish."

Leaning back against the sofa cushion, Sean half-turned towards him and said, "I had a lot of time to think about things. There's nothing like seven thousand miles between yourself and what you considered normal to put things in perspective. Christian, I love you. I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out, but I finally did. I love you."

Christian erred on the side of caution and said as casually as possible, "I know you love me, Sean. You didn't have to leave your new life behind just to tell me that. A phone call would have done."

Sean rolled his eyes and said, "Don't even think you're getting away with that. And I didn't leave it behind, it's done. My life is here, with you, just like it's been for twenty years."

Christian couldn't take the proximity anymore and got to his feet. He walked over to the bar and poured himself a scotch, needing its meditative qualities for the coming conversation. He could tell it was going to be a doozy. Of all the things for Sean to get stuck in his head, it had to be the one chink in Christian's armor. He turned back only to find Sean directly in his path. He hadn't even heard the other man get up, let alone walk over to him.

Sean plucked the glass from his hand and set it down. Meeting Christian's gaze, he said firmly, "This isn't a new obsession or a phase. You're not a substitute for living my own life, Christian, you are my life. I had to go away to figure all that out, though, and thank you for pushing me out the door."

Shaking his head, Christian put space between them by walking back to the sofa. He didn't sit down again, not wanting to be at a disadvantage. The problem was that he was at a disadvantage in this; he'd loved Sean too long to not want to jump at any scrap thrown his way. He made sure everything stayed behind lock and key, all those emotions and passions and, worst of all, needs. The last person to love him had killed herself to get away from him and that wasn't a lesson he would repeat with Sean.

Christian took a breath and said, "Look, Sean, you can't do this. You were doing really great things over there with that orphanage and the mobile surgery center. It's what you've always wanted to do and I won't let you throw it over because you were feeling a little homesick or nostalgic. You were miserable here, remember? Miserable. Drugs and alcohol and sex to numb yourself and then obsession after obsession to fill the void when you got clean. The only way you'll have a good life, a healthy life, is as far from me as possible."

Sean stared at him a long moment, not saying anything. It was a stare that Christian wanted to break away from, but knew that if he did, if he showed any sign of weakness, Sean would take it as victory. He didn't know when to quit and that wasn't always a good thing.

Finally, Sean said, "Kimber really did a number on you, didn't she?"

Christian blinked in surprise. "What?"

Sean's arms folded across his chest and he repeated, "Kimber. She fucked you over, Christian. One last screwing of your head and the best way to make sure you'd never get over her, not completely. She didn't have to stay with you, Christian. She didn't have to put up with your shit. She didn't have to kill herself. She was a grown woman who had so many choices. Yeah, she was screwed up and yeah, you did your share, but she didn't have to kill herself. It was not your fault."

Christian shook his head and said, "It was, Sean. You don't know everything. Even Julia said…"

Too late. He saw Sean's gaze narrow and the familiar line of anger tighten his jaw. "What did Julia say?"

"Nothing. It's not important," Christian said hastily. "Forget it."

But Sean crossed the room and gripped him by the shoulders. "What did she say, Christian?"

He'd never been able to deny Sean, especially not when he used that tone, the one that demanded he come clean. Looking anywhere but at Sean, he finally said, "She told me I was toxic."

Sean was silent for what seemed like forever and Christian refused to meet his gaze again. He didn't know what he would find there and couldn't risk his fragile self-esteem if Sean realized that toxic was exactly the right word for him.

Unexpectedly, Sean didn't speak at all. He simply pulled Christian into his arms and held him tight. Christian stood there awkwardly at first, unable to figure out his motivation. Was it pity? Sympathy? Commiseration? Worse yet, was Sean using the hug as a way to hide his own realization that Julia was right?

"Christian," Sean sighed, not letting go. "You aren't toxic. You're not perfect, but no one is, least of all me."

Christian froze utterly when Sean kissed his temple and then started rubbing his back, soothing him. He wanted to run, to break free, to get as far from this seductive comfort as he possibly could.

"Please trust me. Let me in again, Christian. I won't leave you this time."

"You should leave," Christian countered thickly. "You should get as far from me as you can before I fuck you over again."

"Are you planning to?"

The question was strangely matter of fact and Christian was startled into exclaiming, "No!"

Sean at last stepped back, but kept a hand on Christian's shoulder. His other hand tilted Christian's head up from staring at the floor so that their eyes met. There was nothing there but love and affection; no condemnation or pity, nothing negative at all that he could see.

"I. Love. You. I want you. I want to be with you and be your partner again. I want to be your best friend again. I miss you."

That last was said with a simple yearning that found its mate and more in Christian's gut. He'd been hollow since leaving the airport, half a man. He'd carried on as usual with sex and alcohol for a month or so before just delving into work and helping Liz, at least as much as she allowed. They weren't friends again, but they were more than cordial colleagues finally.

He said quietly, "Sean, don't. Don't do this and then decide later that I'm wrong for you."

Sean gripped the back of Christian's neck and slowly pulled him closer. At the last second, just as their mouths hovered close enough for him to taste Sean's breath, Christian closed his eyes. Sean kissed him gentle and chaste and it just about broke Christian's heart. It was short and when he opened his eyes, Sean looked at him with a kind of anxious hope that melted right through him.

No actual question had been asked, but Christian let out a long, shaky breath before whispering, "Yes."

The smile the spread over Sean's face was brilliant in its intensity and he wrapped his arms around Christian to hold him again.

As Christian hid his face against Sean's throat and slowly relaxed against him, all he could think was, So that's what a leap of faith feels like.

end

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Nancy.
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