Work Text:
Author: Lucinda
rating: pg/pg13
main character: Fred, thoughts about Angel
disclaimer: I hold no legal rights to any characters that you recognize.
distribution: TNL, Paula, anyone else ask.
note: for Jinni's Poetry Quote Challenge #2. Thanks Jinni for the title
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"T'was so; But this, all pleasures fancies bee.
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desire'd, and got, t'was but a dreame of thee"
-The Good Morrow, John Donne
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Fred curled on the chair, leafing through a journal of recent scientific theories and discussions. She should have been delighted with her life. She was safe from Pylea, back in Los Angeles, a place where nobody was trying to enslave her, or kill her, or calling her a cow. She could get tacos any day that she wanted, though not at two in the morning. She could study physics again, instead of trying to figure out if this plant out that one was safe, or to snare something small and edible.
But she wasn't content.
It was all because of Angel, really. Why did he have to be so... wonderful. He was handsome, and strong, and smart, and he wasn't afraid of the fact that her time in Pylea had left her a bit odd, well, odder or that she was a genius with physics. He knew what had happened to her. And he made her stomach go all fluttery with just a single look.
Part of her wanted to say that she was too old to have a hopeless crush, that it was too school girl. But the rest of her insides wouldn't listen, and just got quivery and melty when he was nearby. She was pretty sure that blindfolded, she could tell Angel apart from any other man just by the way that he smelled: all smoke and man and something almost spicy and somber, if a smell could be somber.
She kept having dreams where he'd walk into her room, and kiss her breathless, looking into her eyes and confessing that she'd been dwelling in his thoughts like he'd been in hers. And she's smile at him, and her hands would glide over his skin, and then she'd kiss him back... Those were wonderful dreams.
Except for the fact that it could never happen. Not even if Angel did care about her. Cordelia had told her all about Angel's curse; about how he'd been a vicious, terrifying vampire before a pack of gypsies had given him back his soul. That should have been a good thing, well, sort of sad because it had left him upset and brooding and guilty, but over all good. And if they hadn't put in a stupid clause where his soul would go away if he was perfectly happy, it would have been wonderful. But thanks to that clause, Angel plus perfect happiness equaled Angel being replaced by a deranged killer who enjoyed taunting people before trying to end the world.
No matter how much she wanted to find out if he kissed as well in reality as in her dreams, that would be a bit too much. Turning Angel into an evil guy... As much as part of her wanted Cordelia to be wrong, another part knew that Angel believed it. And if Angel thought that being happy would lead to a disaster, then he'd never let himself be happy, even if it would be safe. So, she'd never have a chance.
Granted, she didn't know if Angel had feelings like hers or not. Sometimes, it seemed like he did, like he was looking at her, full of tormented longing and wishful dreams. And other times, it was as if he didn't care at all, and he'd go away for long hours. Fred wished that she could figure out which was the reality. Did Angel want her, or had she just read too many smutty romance novels, where the guy that the girl wanted always wanted her back? Was it even fair to hope that Angel wanted her, knowing that he didn't think he could have her or anyone?
Trying to comb out her hair, Fred concluded that she was a bit selfish. She wanted Angel to care, wanted him to be aware of her the way she was aware of him. She wanted there to be a connection between them, even if nothing happened. Of course, she’d probably feel a lot better if she could only figure out a way to make certain that Angel would stay Angel, and then he could let himself be happy. Then again, if he could be happy, and he knew that he could be happy ad still didn’t want to be with her, then all of her wistful dreams would be shattered.
There was a tapping on the door, and then Wesley’s voice called out. “Fred? Angel said that there’s a situation, and he hopes that you could help us come up with answers. Could you come down to the lobby?”
“Angel really said that?” Her voice sounded high, taut with questions and hopes.
“Well, he did ask if I could bring you down to the lobby.” Wesley sounded almost apologetic.
For a moment, her hopes faltered. Did this mean…? No, she couldn’t let herself worry about that now. IF there was a problem, making certain that people didn’t get eaten came before sorting out if Angel liked her or not. Trying to sound cheerful, she called out, “I’ll be right down.”
Time to face everybody once again. Time to try to hide her dreams, just in case he didn’t feel the same way. And especially so that Cordelia wouldn’t go on and on about all the reasons why Angel shouldn’t be too happy. Honestly, Cordelia wasn’t a bad person, but she could strip paint with her words when she got going.
On the bright side, Angel would be there, and she could watch him some more. And tonight, when she slept, there would be no limits set by some gypsy spell or groundless fears, only sweet dreams of a lover with cool hands and chocolate eyes.
End Lonely and Dreaming.