Work Text:
author: Lucinda
nothing worse than Shrek 2 contained.
main characters: Ethan Rayne, Prince Charming
disclaimers: Ethan Rayne was created by Joss, 'Prince Charming' and the Fairy Godmother comes from Shrek 2.
distribution: Twisting, Mental Wanderings - will anyone else even want it?
notes: TtH FfA pairing # 1608. Alice is the Fairy Godmother, in case that's not obvious.
md..md..md..md..
Ethan Rayne winced as the envelope fell onto the table. It was pink, with a faintly pearly cast, and there was the faint smell of roses.
Not Alice again...
He flipped it over to see the address, hoping that he was mistaken. Hoping that he'd just got something for the neighbor, or some solicitation for funds supporting some sort of women's health problem.
He recognized her handwriting immediately, and sank back into his chair with dismay. Glaring at the letter, he grumbled, "I divorced you. I let you keep everything, including the boy, just to get away, and now, you're sending me things. What could you possibly want from me now?"
The envelope was silent.
"Bloody Hell..." Picking up the envelope, he tore it open, and an elegant card, naturally pink, fell into his hand, along with a pinch of golden glitter. Opening it, he read, 'You are cordially invited to the wedding of Prince Charming and Princess Fiona...'
Something else dropped out, a warped looking copper ring. It looked clumsily made, and it wasn't until he picked it up that he felt the magic. "Oh b..."
The world twisted, and he found himself dropped into an overstuffed leather chair. A brawny blond man who couldn't possibly be older than twenty stared back at him, and then smiled. "It's good to see you again, Dad."
"Char." Ethan sighed, wondering where his son could possibly have gotten that much height or muscle. The muscle certainly didn't come from him, and that height couldn't have come from Alice. The pink invitation was still in his hand. "What's this about you getting married?"
"Mother's idea." He sat in another chair with a small pout. "Nothing else will do except that I marry a princess, so that she will become a queen-mother. She's been sending me out to fight dragons, storm castles, and try to break spells since my voice changed."
"Should I ask how she knows where all these troubled ladies are?" Ethan muttered, having a few guesses. After all, Alice had learned quite a few tricks from him, and she was a devious woman.
"Want to guess what Mother decided to do as a career? She got tired of being the good witch of the woods." Char's words made it clear that he didn't think a quick answer would be quite enough.
"Not enough shoes. The blasted woman has an obsession with shoes. Even when she only had three dresses, she had a dozen pairs of shoes, and only one pair of them was practical for the cottage." Ethan remembered, and sighed. Then, he remembered the book of Grimm's Fairy tales that he'd managed to leave behind. Dozens of stories of 'charming princes' and them marrying princesses and going off to live happily ever after. "She didn't..."
"Fairy Godmother." Char replied glumly. "Now I'm supposed to marry some princess that got charmed into being an ogre half the time."
"An ogre? Why?" Ethan blinked, wondering just what sort of reasoning had been behind that.
"You'd have to ask mother. But it gets worse." Char shook his head, and in a sullen voice admitted, "I'm not good at thinking through problems. Mother keeps insisting on doing all the thinking, and I just go out and kill things."
"I can think for the both of us." Ethan insisted, and waved his hand. "Go on, explain how it gets more complicated."
"I got to the castle on a high mountain, surrounded by a lake of lava and guarded by a dragon. Then, a wolf in a granny dress told me that Princess Fiona had already been rescued and was away on her honeymoon. Now, Mother's furious and wants to split Fiona up from her husband so that I can marry her. She's sent an invitation to get Fiona and whatever his name is to come here."
"Do you want to help Alice in this mad scheme?" Ethan asked, an idea starting in the depths of his mind. If he could pull this off, everyone would be furious, but oh, it would surely be worth it. "Do you want to marry a princess?"
For a moment, Char looked thoughtful. "Actually, I have a lot more fun going out and killing things. I wouldn't want to do nothing but stay in a castle and listen to petitions. I'd like it even less to live in a castle where Mother listened to the petitions and made all the decisions."
"I have a solution then." Ethan grinned, and leaned forward. "You can't marry Fiona if you aren't here."
"She'd find me." Char replied, and stared at his boots. "I wish I knew how you'd managed to evade her all these years."
"Simple matter of living in a different world. Come back with me. You're old enough to not need a parent to watch over you by the local laws, come with me, you can go kill demons, not marry a princess, and your mother will be furious." Ethan made the offer.
"It sounds like a good plan." Char grinned, and stood up. "So, what do we tell the records gnome?"
Ethan grinned, and sauntered down the hall, recognizing the overworked gnome. "He's still here? Blinky, old chap. It's been years."
Blinky looked up, and gave a small, tired smile. "Wizard Ethan. Come to visit your son? The Godmother... Alice, is out."
"Now, why would I need to see her?" Ethan joked. "No, I'm taking my boy here with me, and there's this young woman that I want to introduce him to. They'd be perfect."
Turning away from Blinky's desk, Ethan asked, "Now where are her assorted magical supplies?"
"This way." Char started towards a set of double doors marked 'authorized personnel only' and started walking. "What's this about a girl?"
"She's not a princess, she's something called a Slayer. It means that she goes out and fights monsters."
"Really? Is she looking for a charming prince?" Char sounded suspicious but also curious. "What does she look like?"
"Oh, about your mother's height, a skinny blond with hazel eyes and a nice..." Ethan paused, remembering his several encounters with the Slayer. "A very nice sword. She's also got a bit of a temper."
"Is this matchmaking?" Char asked as they reached the doors.
"Oh, I don't know if the two of you will hit it off or not, and I'm not worried about that. But Alice will be furious, Rupert will have a conniption, and... oh, the chaos and confusion that will result!" Ethan could see it now.
"Will Mother be able to find us?" Char sounded like he was considering the idea.
"Doubtful. There's a serious magical interference in that place. Sunnydale isn't quite like Far, Far Away, but I think you can adjust." Ethan mused, and then glanced around the work area. "Oh, now this has changed a lot."
"Not too much for you to figure out how to get us to... where are we going? Directly to Sunnydale?" Char asked.
"Not directly, that would be inviting disaster. First we go back to my place, and then to Sunnydale. I promise it will be very different than what your mother has in mind for you." Ethan began pulling down some bottles, mixing together a few things for a quick trip home. "Hold on tight and try not to pass out."
Magic swirled around them both, and Alice's workshop in the land of Far, Far Away vanished.
"I've got a whole new world to introduce you to, Char my boy." Ethan grinned in anticipation. Sunnydale wouldn't know what hit it.
end Marriage Derailed.