SHIRTS

Ennis dumped his mail on the small table beside his recliner and pulled a cold bottle of beer out of his refrigerator. He opened it and tossed the cap on the counter. He drained it half down before sitting on the side of his bed and pulling his boots off. He ran a tired hand through his hair and shoved it back behind his ears. He'd have to get a hair cut this weekend he decided.

He poked around in his supply of canned goods and came up with some stew. He opened it, dumped it in a pan and turned the burner on. Shit; it's raining again, he thought as he looked out the little window over his sink. If there was one thing he hated it was slogging around in the mud trying to get his work done. And Mr. Stoutamire didn't give a shit. He wanted the work done and he expected it to be done or he'd start that hollering again and threatening to fire every hand he had. Fuck! Ennis grumbled as the rain began to let loose with a down pour.

The stew started sizzling so he took it off the burner, stirred it a bit and started eating it. When the last spoonful was gone, he stuck the pan in the sink and ran some water in it. He wiped his hands on his jeans, got another beer out and sat down in his recliner. One jerk on the lever and the foot rest came up and he leaned back with a sigh. He had intended to throw out the old beat up recliner when he bought the trailer but it was just so darned comfortable he decided he couldn't part with it.

He reached over for his mail and started shuffling through it – the electric bill, an ad for a sale at Sears, the local grocery ad, a post card inviting him to the Methodist church Sunday supper, and an envelope with his name scribbled across the front in a familiar scrawl. Jack! This was Jack's handwriting. There was no return address. He frowned. What would Jack be writing him for? They last saw each other in May. It was only August and it too early to come up with a date for their November meeting.

He took a long swallow of beer and lit a cigarette before carefully tearing the end off the envelope and sliding the few pages of notebook paper out.

Dear Ennis,

I'm writing to you because when we're together I never get out what I need to say. We said some pretty hard things to each other last time we was together and I can't stop thinking about it. We need to sit down and have a good long talk but we never say what's really on our minds. I think we said more truths during our argument than we have in years.

One thing for sure that we both agree on is that we can't go on like this. We got a fix this, Cowboy, and we got a do it right now. All we're doing is making each other miserable and people who love each other shouldn't be doing that. That's right – I said people who love each other. It's time we call it what it is, Ennis. This ain't no affair, and we ain't what some people call fuck buddies. We love each other! If we didn’t, our parting wouldn't hurt so bad. And it does hurt, Ennis, more and more each time we have to go back to our old lives that neither of us wants.

I don't want this life anymore and I don't think you do either. I know you're probably getting hot under the collar right now but you got a suck it up and finish reading what I got a say. We're, both of us, pushing forty now. We ain't teenagers out looking for a quick fuck. We need each other and I'm not just talking sex here, though Lord knows, we could both of us use a lot more a that in our lives.

I need someone to be with – someone to spend the rest of my life with. I want that to be you. I know you're probably pacing the floor now and cursing my name but keep reading. You need me as much as I need you. You can't tell me that working on that ranch and living alone in your trailer is making you happy. You're doing it just cause you think it's the only thing you can do. And I'm living my miserable life just waiting on you to change your mind. That ain't no life for neither of us!

And it ain't right, Ennis! It ain't! We got as much right as anybody in the world has to be happy. Us being together ain't against the law. We wouldn't be hurting nobody! Wouldn't the two of us living together be worth whatever shit comes our way? You think about that! You think on it good because I'm changing things, Cowboy. I ain't living like that no more.

I made some decisions and I want you to know what they are. That's why I'm writing you this letter. It's already happening. I asked Lureen for a divorce and we went and saw her lawyer today. I signed the papers and I'm good as divorced right now and I got out with a nice bundle a cash. Tomorrow morning I'm heading north. I'm moving back to Wyoming. It's where I belong and where I want a be.

I'm gonna have that ranch I always dreamed about. I'm gonna have it, Ennis. I ain't gonna sit around dreaming about it no more and drinking myself half to death. I'm sick a that. I figure to settle somewhere up around Buffalo or maybe Sheridan. I already been in touch with a Real Estate lady up there and told her what I want. She's looking for a

place for me right now. What I want, and what we both need, is for you to quit your job and go in on this with me. That's my dream, Ennis – the two of us on our own place.

Now I know you're steaming about now and that's all right. But I got a keep on going and get it all out. I made my decision and I'm doing what I always wanted to do. It's time for you to make yours. Here's your options, the way I see it.

1. You can sit on your ass and do nothing but what you been doing for the last twenty years – hiding out so that no one knows you love another man – and be just as miserable as you are now for the rest of your life.

2. You can make the drive up north and help me get settled in once I get a place. This is the life we were meant to have, Ennis. You and me both know that.

I ain't asking you to make no decision this exact minute. It'll take me a while to find a place. Once I get one though, I'm gonna need someone to help me run it. I want that someone to be you. If it ain't you – then it will be someone else. And I ain't just talking a hired hand here. I'm gonna find someone, Ennis, someone who loves ranching and will love me and want to be with me. I always thought that it would be you but if that ain't the case then I'll find someone else. I ain't gonna live the rest of my life alone, tearing my heart out for someone who don't want a be with me. I ain't gonna be your dirty little secret no more.

I know you're scared, I understand all that. It's right for us to be careful, to keep an eye out for such things. But I ain't willing to give my life up just cause you're scared. If you want a spend the rest of your life hiding what you are, then go ahead. But I won't!!!!!

I'm a man who loves another man. There ain't nothing wrong with that! I don't give a shit what other people think about me and I didn't think that you did either but I guess I was wrong. If what other people think is more important to you than us being together, then I guess you don't love me as much as I love you cause being with you is the only thing in this world I care about.

I love you, Ennis. I love everything about you. I love the way you look at me, I love the way you make me feel. I love the way you walk and the way you talk and the way you touch me like you're touching the most precious thing in the world. I love the way you smile at me out from under that old hat a yours. I even love the way you chew on your nails.

You and me are good together, Cowboy. We always have been and we could be something really special if you'd just see fit to give us a chance. Jesus, Ennis, don't you even want to give it a try? See what it would be like waking up next to each other every morning? You could always go back to ranch work if you decided you'd had enough of me and my snoring. I just think we really should try this.

But if it ain't what you want and if you're so all fired set on being alone the rest of your life then just ignore this letter and the next one too. That's how much time you got to make your decision – until I find a place. Once that happens, I'll write you again with my address.

I want you to think on this now, Ennis. Think about it good because if you decide to stay in Riverton and keep things the way they been, then I guess this is good-bye. We got a end this miserable situation we're in, Ennis, and we got a do it now.

I'm sorry if this letter made you mad but every word of it is the truth. We can't go on tearing each other apart like we been. It hurts too goddamn much!

Think about this, Ennis. Think about you and me curled up together in a real bed and spending every single night like that for the rest of your life. Now think about never ever sleeping beside me again – sleeping alone for the rest of your life or with some bar gal that's willing to leave her stink on you and maybe lettin you turn her over now and then.

The decision is yours to make, Cowboy. You got all the power here and I'm hoping you'll choose me. I don't want a be with nobody else but you, but if you don't want that then it's for you to say so. I'll cry my eyes out one last time over you and then I'll move on and find someone else. I won't never love him the way I love you but if you're too scared or too ashamed to want to live with me then I will find me someone else. I ain't living the rest of my life alone.

I love you, Ennis, and I promise we can take any precautions you want. We'll set things up with any story you want to tell people. Hell, we could tell them we're cousins or something, I don't care. I'm praying you'll make the right decision here and we'll both be happy for the rest of our lives.

I'm going to sleep now so I can get an early start tomorrow. I'll wait and mail this tomorrow from wherever I am in Wyoming. Wish I was laying down with you right now, Cowboy. Sleeping with you wrapped around me is the closest I ever been to heaven or ever will be. There ain't nothing better in this world than waking up next to you. Nothing!

I love you!

Jack

Ennis wadded the letter up and hurled it as hard as he could the length of the trailer. He stubbed the cigarette out and wiped angry tears on his shoulder.

"JACK FUCKIN TWIST!" He growled out through clenched teeth. "You tryin to get us both killed!" He paced the floor and kicked at anything that was in his way. "You can't make me do somethin I know will get us killed! I won't do it! I won't!"

He pulled the half-full bottle of whiskey down out of the top cabinet, twisted the lid off and took a long drink. He coughed and sputtered at the burn but he felt better for it so he took another drink. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and took the bottle over to the recliner with him and sat down.

Sometime later he hurled the empty bottle at the offensive white ball of notebook paper lying against the wall next to the bathroom. He yanked his clothes off and climbed into bed still grumbling, "Jack fuckin Twist! I wish to God I never met you!"

His dreams betrayed him though and he awoke hours later with the feel of Jack's arms wrapped around him and sweet kisses back behind his ear. He jerked himself up out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

"Jack fuckin Twist!" He said as he gave the wadded up letter another kick. It bounced off the wall and came back to nearly the exact same spot. He got ready for work and left.

He was in a bitch of a mood all day. The other hands didn't want to work in the mud and what little work got done he did himself, cursing every step of the way. When Mr. Stoutamire saw how little had been done he cursed and yelled at all of them, called them lazy and said he was going into town to find some girls to work for him – said girls would do a better job then they had done.

Ennis tossed his thermos into his truck, slammed the door and headed home. He parked his truck across from the bar and went in and ordered a beer. Thirty minutes later he was shoved out the front door along with some drunk he didn't know but had managed to pick a fight with. He stopped at the grocery store, bought a case of long necks and went home.

A week later the letter still lay on the floor and was occasionally kicked to another spot. Two more weeks passed and not a word from Jack. Friday night and Ennis sat in his recliner drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and staring at the wadded up letter. He got up to get another beer and stopped on the way back to his chair and picked the letter up. He sat down and read it again.

"Jack … Jack … We can't do this! We'd be killed for sure. I ain't ready to die!" The tears burned his eyes but he refused to give in to them. He read the words again. "I love you, Ennis." He said it over and over again in the letter. He let his memory slide back to their last night together and remembered Jack sleeping in his arms – how sweet he smelled and how good it felt. He jerked back to reality and spoke directly to the letter.

"We can't do it, Bud! I can't let them get you and I sure don't wanna end up in no ditch with my dick torn off." He rubbed a hand across his forehead and back through his tousled hair. He glanced over at his un-made bed and thought about spending the rest of his life sleeping there – alone. No Jack – ever again. No more fishing trips. No more of Jack's smiles and no more of Jack whispering in the middle of the night, "You awake, Cowboy? You wanna ride?" He squeezed his eyes shut tight and pressed a fist against them to hold back the tears.

He got up out of his chair and walked the length of is trailer and back again. "It's been near a month, Jack. You ain't found a place yet? Or did you just decide not to write me again?" He paced some more. "Hell, he could call! He's got my number! He could sure as hell call!"

Next morning he carried his overflowing trash out front to the garbage can and dumped it. He hated Saturdays. There was nothing to do but sit around and wait. He hated waiting – hated it with a passion. And where the hell was the fucking mail man? He slammed the lid back down on the can and went back inside.

Maybe the phone's out of order! He picked up the receiver and heard the dial tone and slammed it back down. "He could at least call."

He got another beer out of the refrigerator, took a long swallow and let out a loud belch.

"He's probably already got some other fella lined up to take my place – probably got him up there right now lookin at ranches." He flipped the TV on and watched a Star Trek re-run. "Shit! Ain't nothin wrong with that Vulcan that a good fuckin wouldn't take care of. That'd loosen him up a bit." He turned the set off and looked out the front window to see if the flag on the mailbox across the way was turned down yet. Nope. The mailman still hadn't come.

"Not that I give a shit!" He said and slumped back down in his recliner. "Jack fucking Twist ain't gonna make me do somethin I know'd get us killed. Period!" He heard a motor then and jumped up. There it was – the mail truck.

He waited patiently while it stopped across the way first then made it's way towards the back of the park. It would stop at his trailer last, on its way out. The old lady across the way stood for several seconds looking through her mail then started across the street towards his trailer.

"Shit," he mumbled under his breath. She was holding a white envelope and headed right for him. Mail man must a put his letter from Jack in the old bat's mailbox by mistake.

She knocked on his door. He took a deep breath and vowed to be pleasant to her. It wasn't easy. He wanted to rip the letter from her hands and read the words Jack had to say – whatever it was, it would be better than pacing the floor and wondering if he was never going to see him again.

"Morning, Mrs. Atley. Mail man give you my mail again?" He greeted her with what he hoped was a smile.

"He sure enough did. I'm gonna wait right here till he comes round and give him a piece a my mind." She said with a hand waving the letter around. "Mail is important and he swore a solemn oath to deliver it and he can't even get it in the right box! I've got a mind to report him. But I don't really know who I'd report him to – do you? I mean, I suppose I could right a letter to the Postmaster General at the state capital but it'd probably just get thrown in the trash. I remember when …"

Ennis cut her off, "My letter?" He reached a hand out to her.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Here." She handed it to him. He grabbed it quickly and saw that it was from Junior. His disappointment must have shown on his face. Mrs. Atley asked, "Bad news? Oh I hope not. Mrs. Fletcher over on lot 23, she just had a hysterectomy. They thought it was cancer but it turned out …"

"Sorry to hear that. Here he comes." Ennis could hear the mail man's vehicle lumbering towards his trailer and he wanted the old woman gone.

Mrs. Atley caught the mailman while he still had a handful of mail poised and ready to stuff into Ennis' mail box and she gave him a piece of her mind. She went on and on until Ennis thought he might have to strangle her to get her to shut up and move on so he could collect his mail.

She finally moved on, back across the street and the mail man felt bound and determined to apologize to Ennis profusely, and went on and on about needing to get his glasses checked and how getting older really sucked and when he started in about his Arthritis Ennis stopped him.

"Aaa I think I hear my phone. Could I have my mail please?" He reached out his hand and the mail man shoved the mail in it, apologizing once again for the mix up.

Ennis got back inside and shuffled quickly through everything. Shit! Nothing there!

He slumped back down into the recliner and picked up the letter again and read the last two paragraphs. "I love you … there ain't nothing better in this world than waking up next to you."

"Jack … I do love you. I do. And you're right – there ain't nothin in this world better than wakin up next to you." He wadded the letter up again and threw it across the room. He flung one arm up over his head and rested it on the back of the recliner. "Fuck the mail man!" He whispered. "Let him keep my letter from Jack. I don't need it to know I been dumped." A few self-pitying deep breaths and he dozed off.

He was dreaming again. Jack was lying there beside a campfire, smiling and reaching out. Someone else was there then, taking Jack's hand and lying down beside him. They were kissing and Jack was pulling him in close, over on top of him. Ennis could see a fancy suede jacket with fringes on it and he jerked awake. Jack was with someone else! That had to be it. Jack made his decision to move on and he did it. Didn't even wait to hear my answer.

Ennis got up, got another beer and lit a cigarette. "He don't need me. Probably got a whole line up of guys to choose from." He took a long drag on the cigarette and pulled the smoke back into his lungs. "Probably already knew my answer would be 'no'. I ain't about to get myself killed cause Jack Twist needs to be fucked on a regular basis. No siree! If I can do without it, so can he. He won't though. He'll go out and find it and keep on doin it until someone finds out and he'll end up in a ditch just like old Earl."

He never even heard the truck pull up out front. Didn't hear the foot steps to his trailer. He did hear the strong knock though and it jolted him. He yanked the door open to see Jack standing there. He stepped back and Jack came inside.

The first thing Jack noticed was the balled up letter on the floor. "I see you got my letter." He reached down and picked it up. "Did you read it? All of it? Or did you toss it half way through?"

"I read it." Ennis said and motioned for Jack to take a seat at the small table. Ennis sat on the edge of his bed.

"You been thinkin about it?" Jack asked.

"Not much else around here to think about." Ennis admitted.

"You made any decisions?"

"This is your show, Jack. You're makin all the decisions now."

"I see." Jack looked down and fiddled with the zipper on his jacket. "I guess that tells me all I need to know."

"You don't need me, Jack. I'm sure you already got someone lined up to take my place." Ennis rubbed his hands against his jean covered knees.

"I could have if I wanted to." Jack said honestly. "I don't want him though. I want you."

"We don't never get what we want in this world, Jack. You should know that by now."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why can't we have what we both want? Give me a good reason – one I can understand."

"It's just the way it is, Bud." Ennis began to tremble. This might be the last time he ever saw Jack. He had to force himself to look at him. He had dreamed so many time of having him right there in his trailer but he never dreamed that they would be saying good-bye.

"It's just the way you *think* it is, Ennis. Not the way it really is."

Ennis didn't know what to say to that so he asked what was on his mind. "You find yourself a place?"

"I did. Real nice one too. Up just east of Sheridan." He tossed Ennis a set of keys.

Ennis grabbed them and fingered them.

"Just got the place yesterday. Signed all the papers and wrote out the check. It's all ours."

"It's yours, Jack. It ain't mine." Ennis handed the keys back but Jack didn't take them.

"Deed says different. Got your name on it."

"You didn't!" Ennis looked up at him.

"I did! Those are your keys, Ennis. I got mine right here." He patted his jacket pocket.

"Jack, I can't …"

"I had a copy of the deed made up." He handed it to Ennis. "This is your copy and those are your keys."

Ennis read the papers and saw his name right along side of Jack's as 'co-owner' of the property.

"Jack, this ain't right! I never said …"

Jack stood up and tuned towards the door. "The last page there is a map – show you how to get there. It's your home Ennis – yours and mine. Whenever you're ready to come home, it'll be waitin for you." He opened the door and walked out.

Ennis followed him. "Jack, wait. This ain't right."

"The ranch is yours, I'm yours, we'll be waitin." He got in his truck and took off.

"Son of a bitch!" Ennis cursed and went back inside.

He read the deed and papers over and over again. It sounded like a nice place. 350 acres, only been vacant a year, and it came with a small herd. "Well, if that don't beat all!" Ennis tossed the papers on the table and set to making himself a sandwich. "He didn't even wait to hear my answer!" Ennis complained as he finished his lunch and dumped the coffee cup in the sink. He thinks I'm just gonna come running and jump into this thing like some kind a fool. Well he's got another think comin. I ain't gonna get myself killed!"

XXXXX

Three months later …

"Sorry boys, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. You're good workers, every last one a you, but the wife's kin folk are out a work and I gotta take 'em on. They got eight kids between ‘em to feed. Maybe come spring they'll have enough of ranch work and head back to the city where they belong. I'll be happy to take each and every one of you back on. You give me a call, come springtime now, ya hear." With that, he handed them each an envelope with their final paycheck.

Ennis got into his truck and drove home. He slammed the door to his trailer and locked it. He fiddled with the heater until he got it to come on and waited before taking off his jacket. He paced the floor, swinging his arms back and forth trying to warm up.

"Shit, shit, shit!" Ennis grumbled as he walked back and forth, his breath puffing vapor in front of him as he went. "It only just turned November – it ain't supposed to be this cold!"

He stopped in front of his calendar and looked at the second week that he had circled in red. That was supposed to be his week with Jack. The pain that grabbed him was unexpected and surprised him. "Jack …" he said and touched the calendar. That was next week. Would he ever see Jack again? Did Jack give up on him and move someone else in?

"I'll bet he's all nice and warm and snug sittin in front of a fireplace. Probably got some guy sittin their right beside him, smilin at him, reachin for him." He ripped the calendar off the wall and stuffed it in the trash can. He wouldn't have any need for a calendar any more. One day was pretty much like the rest. All the same. All miserable.

He fixed himself some dinner and flipped the TV on. Nothing of any interest to him but he watched the boring news until he finished his dinner then turned it off. He took a shower and got into bed. His head was splitting and he needed to think. What was he going to do now? No one would be hiring at this time of year. He might be able to make it until spring but there was no guarantee that Stoutamire would be hiring anyone back.

Maybe he could get a job in town. He'd hate that but he needed to find something. Maybe he could get on at Sears working in the warehouse. K.E. was working for Sears up in Worland and said the work was easy enough. If K.E. could do is so could he.

He tried to sleep but sleep was not to be had. It took him a while before he figured out what the noise was. He sat up in bed and listened to make sure he wasn't hearing things.

It sounded like an animal whimpering. He got up, pulled his jeans on and went to the door. He peeked out but saw nothing. He opened the door a bit and the frigid air blew in, chilling him to the bone. That's when he saw it – a cardboard box sitting in front of his steps.

He stepped outside, reached down and opened the flaps. Four little balls of fur were milling around inside and whining loudly.

"Jesus!" He said and picked the box up. He looked around to see if he could see who put them there but the place looked deserted. He carried the box inside and closed the door against the cold. The puppies were out of the box in a flash and wandering around the floor sniffing and crying for their momma.

"Shit! What am I supposed to do with you?" Ennis sighed as he sat down on the edge of his bed. The puppies wandered around and finally ended up clustered around his bare feet standing up against his legs trying to get picked up. "Oh hell!" He picked them up and tossed them up on the bed, curled up around them and after they all settled in, he went to sleep.

He woke in the morning to the warmth of pee against his stomach and jumped up with a curse. "Not in the bed, dammit!" He got all the puppies off the bed and onto the floor and dug around in his canned goods for something for them to eat. He opened his refrigerator and saw half a package of hot dogs left and got them out. He chopped them up in tiny pieces and opened a can of pork and beans. He put the hot dogs and beans into a pan and set it on the stove to warm up – the puppies were milling around underfoot as he worked. He had to be careful not to step on them. He did manage to step into a puddle though and let out another curse.

He pulled off his wet undershirt and wiped at the puddle on the floor then pulled the damp sheets off the bed and balled them up. "Got a do laundry this weekend for sure!" He promised himself.

He dumped the mixture onto a plate and set it on the floor in the middle of the puppies and they lapped at it hungrily, walking in and out of the mixture and tracking a mess of little puppy paw prints around the floor.

By the time Ennis got dressed the plate was empty and the puppies were off exploring the trailer once again. One of the pups was lying across the toe of one of his boots and another was trying to crawl inside the other boot that was lying over on its side.

"Oh no you don't!" Ennis got the boots away from them and put them on while the puppies found each other again and crawling over each other until they were in a pile, they nestled down and went back to sleep.

Ennis picked them up carefully and put them back into the box. He was going to take care of this right now. He pulled his jacket on and hauled the box out to his truck. He stuck it in the passenger seat and got in.

He drove to the local vet but found it closed with a sign saying it was closed for the holidays and wouldn't be back until the first week of January.

"Shit! Who takes a two month vacation?" Ennis grumbled as he climbed back into the truck. The puppies seemed to still be sleeping so Ennis stopped at the bar and went inside. He spoke with a few people that he knew but no one wanted any puppies. He talked with Sam the bartender and asked, "They huntin dogs?" and walked out to the truck to take a look.

"Nah, they look kind a like them police dogs you see on TV." Ennis answered as he opened the box and showed him the pups.

"Oh shit! They're German Shepard. No thanks. I heard them are mean as they get. I can't have them around my kids." The bartender shook his head no and headed back into the bar.

Ennis followed and asked, "What the hell am I supposed to do with 'em? They ain't mine!"

"Hell, take 'em out and drown 'em. They ain't no good for huntin. Or maybe you can find someone needs a guard dog. I hear they can be pretty fierce." The bartender moved off then to take care of another customer and Ennis left.

He made a drive around town to see if he could find someplace to leave them. He found nothing. He remembered seeing something on the news about an animal shelter up in Worland. He got on the highway and headed north. He'd drop the puppies off at the shelter and maybe stop in and say 'Hey' to K.E.

An hour and a half later he was sitting in his pickup outside the empty and abandoned shelter. "Shit!" He cursed and headed towards the nearest fast food place. He got three burgers – one for himself and broke the other two up into tiny pieces and fed it to the whining puppies.

He didn't have any luck at K.E.'s either. A neighbor told him that K.E. and family had gone to Casper to spend time with the mother in law who had fallen and broken her hip and they didn't know when they would be back and no thanks, they didn't want any puppies and didn't know of anybody who might.

He sat in his pickup trying to decide what to do. He smoked a cigarette and thought about Jack. He'd be needing some guard dogs. Whether he was smart enough to think of that or not, Ennis didn't know. But four full-grown German shepherd dogs running around a place would go a long way towards warning a body that anyone was on the property that shouldn't be. Might even be enough to keep trespassers up to no good out of a place they don't belong.

Hell, he was already more than half way up to Sheridan anyway. Might as well drive the rest of the way and see if Jack wants 'em. He couldn't see just dumping the box somewhere. He cared too much for animals to be able to do something like that.

He tried to think of the name of the road Jack's place was on. He remembered it was something silly. He wished he had paid more attention to the map when he looked at it. He drove into Sheridan and watched the road signs hoping something would jog his memory. Jack said it was on the east side of town so Ennis drove in that direction skirting along the edge of town.

There it was – Tootsie Road. What a stupid name for a road, Ennis thought but took the turn off and drove. He eyed the mailboxes as he passed and soon enough he came across a brand new box sitting there gleaming in the sunshine. On the side were the letters RR 4 and the numbers #608. The number meant nothing to him but this was the only new box he had seen and he figured it might be Jack's place.

He pulled into the driveway and followed the road back through the trees until he came to a house. He got out and went up to the door and knocked. There was no answer. He knocked several times and called out but there was no one around. He walked back to his truck and looked the place over. He couldn't see Jack's truck anywhere.

Just as he had about decided he had the wrong place he heard a truck coming from the back of the place. He stood and watched as Jack's truck came into view and stopped in front of the open barn door.

He could hear the calf bawling and got out of his truck and headed over to Jack who had not noticed him but had gotten out of his truck and headed into the barn.

He came out carrying a pair of wire cutters about the time Ennis got up to the truck.

He gave Ennis a quick look and a "Hey, Ennis." and proceeded towards the calf that was hogtied in the back of his pickup.

"What's goin on?" Ennis asked as he watched Jack wrestling with the calf and trying to pull its leg still enough to cut the barbed wire that was wrapped around it.

"Let me give you a hand there." Ennis hopped up in the back of the truck and held the calf down while Jack cut the wire and pulled it free.

"Thanks." Jack said as he got down out of the truck and started to get back behind the wheel.

"Wait, you got a dress it." Ennis said as he also hopped out of the pickup bed.

"Huh?" Jack asked through the open window.

"Ain't you got some salve or somethin? Ennis walked into the barn and Jack followed him.

Ennis poked around in some dusty old supplies he saw on a workbench and pulled out a can. "Here. Slop some a this on those cuts." He tossed the can to Jack.

"Won't it just get better on its own? It ain't all that deep." Jack said as he climbed into the back of the truck and started dressing the cuts on the calf's leg.

"Flies'll get into it, Jack. Next thing you know you lost a good healthy calf."

"Shit. I didn't know that." Jack put the lid back on the can and stood reading the label. "Good thing you got here when you did." He smiled up at Ennis and Ennis's insides immediate turned to mush.

"I got a get this calf back to its momma. Wanna ride along? You can get a look at the place." Jack offered.

Ennis opened the passenger side door and got in. Jack drove out to the field the cows were in and got out. Ennis did the same and the two of them worked at untying the calf and lifting it down. It immediately made its way out to the herd and its bawling momma.

"Not a bad lookin bunch." Ennis said as he looked at the herd.

"That's what I thought. Small herd but I figured to add to it come spring."

"Soil looks good." Ennis bent down and pulled a hand full and crumbled it between his fingers.

"C'mon. I'll show you the rest of the place."

They got back into the pickup and Jack drove him all around showing the place off. They ended up back at the house.

"I brung you somethin." Ennis said as they got out of the pickup and walked over to Ennis' truck.

"You did? You didn't have to do that. Just you bein here is enough." Jack said with a happy smile on his face.

Ennis opened the passenger side door of his truck and lifted the box out and handed it to Jack.

Jack opened the flaps to the box and his face split into the biggest grin Ennis had ever seen and he knew he had done the right thing.

"Puppies! You brought me puppies!" Jack sat the box down and lifted one of the sleeping pups out to have a look at the ball of fur.

"They're German shepherds. Police dogs. They'll make good guard dogs for you." Ennis said.

"I was gonna get me some dogs but I just didn't get around to it yet. Thank you, Ennis. This is wonderful. Four of 'em!" He picked them up and checked them out – each one cuter than the next.

"How'd you know I wanted to get me some dogs?" Jack smiled up at him as he knelt by the box with his arms full of wiggling puppies that were now wide awake and ready for play and trying their best to lick Jack to death.

"I knew you like 'em. They ain't huntin dogs but they sure will sing out if anyone comes pokin around here at night."

"Maybe we could teach 'em to hunt?" Jack put them back into the box and lifted it.

"Don't know about that." Ennis said feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

"C'mon inside. It ain't all that big but it's got four big bedrooms up stairs and downstairs its got a kitchen, a dining room, a living room, bathroom and an extra room that the old lady who used to own the place had used for a sewing room. I turned it into a laundry room. She had the washer and dryer out on the back porch but I'd rather have it inside so I called me a plumber and had it fixed up."

Jack sat the box in the middle of the living room floor and the puppies immediately hopped out and set about exploring their new home while Jack led the way through the down stairs rooms then headed up the stairs with Ennis trailing behind.

"It's four rooms up here, same as downstairs, and a bathroom at the end of the hall. This here is your room." Jack stopped in front of the first door on the left. He opened the door and Ennis walked in and saw a brand new king-sized bed all made up with pillows and blankets and a quilt folded neatly across the foot of the bed. There was a small table with a lamp on it beside the bed and against one wall was a chest of drawers.

"I don't know how much stuff you got but we can always pick up another chest if you need it."

"Jack, I …"

"Over here is my room." Jack didn't let him get anything more said. He walked across the hall and shoved the door open and walked in. Ennis followed and saw the exact same set up – king-sized bed with a table and lamp beside it and a chest of drawers against one wall. This room was different though in that it was obviously being used. There were clothes strewn about and one drawer was half open. A pair of boots sat against one wall

An over flowing ash tray was on the bedside table and a newspaper was on top of the chest along with a stack of other papers.

"Both rooms got pretty good sized closets too. Jack opened the closet door and Ennis glanced inside. He noticed the denim shirt on the hanger hanging from a nail on the inside of the door.

"Shirt's dirty. What'd you get on it; oil?" He lifted the sleeve of the denim shirt and noticed the white plaid shirt tucked inside. He pulled on the cuff and saw it was stained as well. It took a moment for it to sink in but when it did, his mouth fell opened. Everything inside him froze. Their shirts from Brokeback!

"I got a go." He mumbled and brushed past Jack and headed downstairs and out to his truck.

Jack followed in a scramble to keep up with him. "Okay. Thanks for the puppies. I'll take good care of 'em." Jack stood beside Ennis' truck.

"Uh huh." Ennis couldn't look at him. He just started up and turned in a circle to head out. The last thing he heard Jack say was, "Come home again soon. We'll be waitin for you."

Ennis made it about five miles south of Sheridan before he had to pull off the road. His hands were shaking so hard he could barely hold onto the steering wheel. He jumped out of the truck and began to pace.

"My shirt! He's got my damn shirt!" He paced the area and kicked stones out of his way. "Got my blood all over it. His shirt too. Hangin together." He was hyperventilating so much he began to feel light headed and got back in the truck so he wouldn't fall down on the ground. He put his head in his hands and held on tight until he quit shaking. When his breathing got back to normal, he got back on the highway and drove home.

He refused to think about it. He fixed himself some dinner and went to bed. Next morning he concentrated on one thing. He needed to get into town and see if he could find work.

He made his way to the back where the clerk at Sears said the offices were and waited in line. There were eight other men standing there in front of him – two were hands from Stouramires. They nodded in greeting but didn't speak. All were there for the same thing.

A man about his age in a suit and tie came out of the office leading another applicant who walked with his head down and a disappointed look on his face. Ennis was about to give up and head out when the man began to speak.

"Gentlemen, there is only one opening in the warehouse and I need someone who can operate a forklift. Have any of you had any experience driving a fork lift?" One by one the others shook their heads and headed out. Ennis stood where he was.

"Do you know how to operate a fork lift?" The man asked Ennis.

"Yes sir. My brother, K.E., he works in the Sears warehouse up in Worland. I spent some time up there and he showed me how it worked. He let me run it around a bit so I know how."

"Well that's not much experience but at least it's something. Come on out to the back and let's see if you know what you're doing."

In thirty minutes, Ennis had a job. He filled out all the paperwork and handed them back to the man doing the hiring and was told; "Now you do understand that this is only a temporary job until the holidays are over."

"Yes sir." Ennis said, grateful to have any type of employment with winter coming on.

"Good. We'll need you to start the day after Thanksgiving. That's when business really gets busy with all the holiday shopping in full swing. You come back here that Friday and we'll get you started. Can you be here by 7 am?"

"Yes sir, I can. Earlier if you need me."

"No, 7 will be fine. We'll see you then." He reached out and shook Ennis' hand and Ennis left and headed home.

That evening after supper he pulled the calendar out of the trash and pinned it back up on the wall. He had two weeks before he had to start his job. Two weeks. This was the week he was supposed to be meeting Jack. They were going to hunt this trip, maybe catch an elk. He could get himself a little deep freeze and if they got an elk they could split the meat.

He lit a cigarette and paced his floor. He had two more payments to Alma and he would be finished with his child support. The trailer was paid off and his lot rent was minimal. Stabling his horses he got for free for doing some work there on the weekends. He could make it a while longer and maybe even do good enough at Sears that they would keep him on after the holidays. He remembered that was how K.E. had gotten on at Sears years ago. He had started out as a holiday employee too and here it was twenty years later and he was still working there.

Working inside couldn't be all that bad. He could do it. He checked to see how much cash he had in the coffee can. He needed to stock up on some groceries. He was scanning the grocery store ads when the phone rang. He sat down on the side of his bed and answered it.

"Yes?"

"Hey, Ennis, it's me. I just wanted to thank you again for the puppies. They sure are cute." Jack's sweet voice came over the wire and something inside Ennis melted like it always did when he heard Jack say his name.

"That's good. Somebody dumped 'em on my doorstep and I didn't know what the hell to do with 'em."

"Well, I'm glad you thought to bring them to me. They been followin me all over the place. I got a be careful not to step on 'em."

"That them I hear?" Ennis asked.

"Uh huh. I'm sittin on the floor in front of the couch and they are doin their best to climb all over me." Jack laughed and followed that with a "Get down! Get down now. You don't need to be on top a my head!" His laughter filled Ennis with a warm glow that he didn't quite understand.

"I'm glad you like 'em. They needed someone to look after 'em. I know you'll do a good job."

"I will, Ennis, I promise you. I went out today and got a bunch of stuff for them. I took 'em to the vet and got 'em shots and licensed and all. He said they were all good and healthy. All four are females. Vet says they look pure bred to him. Can't imagine why anyone would just dump 'em like that."

"Maybe the momma got sick or hit by a car or somethin and the folks couldn't take care of 'em any more. Dogs are gettin dumped all the time, Jack."

"I know, but not usually pure breds. I was talking with the vet about gettin 'em spayed and he suggested I wait a while. He said they were going to be real beauties and I might want to think about breedin 'em and sellin off the pups. He even said if I didn't want to keep 'em that he could probably sell 'em for me."

"There a big market for police dogs there in Sheridan?"

"Hell, I don't know. He says there's a market for 'em though and I was thinkin that maybe I ought to look into it. I mean, it's free. I'd have to pay a stud fee to whoever I breed 'em with but the Vet said that lots of time that's settled with just givin over the pick of the litter. That way it won't cost me nothin but food and shots and such but he says I ought to be able to get at least a hundred a pup and he says a shepherd's average sized litter is five or six."

"It's somethin to think about." Ennis agreed.

"There was something I wanted to ask you, Cowboy. This was the week you said you had off and I was wonderin if maybe you might want to go get us an elk? What do you think?"

"I got the time off. You wanna go, we can go." Ennis heart jumped in his chest. Camping with Jack – nothing would make him happier!

"I do! I figured to take the fishing gear along too and maybe we can catch enough to bring some home. I got a new deep freeze just sitting there empty and I sure would like to have it full before winter sets in."

"I was thinkin 'bout gettin me a deep freeze as well. Sears got a little one on sale I was lookin at."

"If we get an elk, we should haul it into town then and have it carved up and packaged for us. I was talkin to the fella who sold me the freezer and he told me about a butcher shop in town that'll do it free in exchange for the head and hide."

"Sounds good. When do you want to leave?"

"How about tomorrow? Don't want to waste none of your time off. You got to be back at work on Monday?"

"Nope. Not till after Thanksgiving. I got the next two weeks free."

"Your kidding! You had to fight to get this time off and then he turns around and gives you two weeks instead of the one you asked for?"

"Nope. I ain't working for Stoutamire no more. His in-laws moved in on him and took over workin the ranch. He had to let all his hands go. Got me another job though, starting Friday after Thanksgivin. Workin a forklift over at the Sears warehouse."

"He's gonna be sorry he did that. City folks always think they can do the ranch work and some of 'em can but they're used to workin clean and usually don't take to ranch work for any length of time."

"That's what Stoutamire said. Said he might be lookin to hire us all back come spring if the in-laws don't work out."

"You wanna go back to work for him? I thought last time you talked about him you said he was gettin kind a hard to please."

"Well that's true enough; Jack, but I love the work. We'll see how this warehouse thing works out. It might be kind a nice workin inside durin the winter."

Jack was silent for a minute – not saying what he really wanted to – instead he said, "So you comin up tomorrow then?"

"Sure enough. What time you want me there?"

"Soon as you can get here. I'll dig the camping gear out and tomorrow morning I'll head to the store first thing and get the ice chests loaded."

"Okay. See ya in the mornin, then Bud." Ennis smiled at the thought of being with Jack tomorrow, just like old times. It won't be like old times though, he thought, and wondered if Jack was going to pressure him into moving in with him. He pushed that thought out of his head. He wasn't going to think about that. Right now all he wanted to think about was that he was going to see Jack tomorrow. He slept that night with a smile on his face.

He arrived at Jack's place the next morning to find Jack's truck gone. He noticed a note on the door and went up on the porch to read it. It said that Jack had decided to take the pups to the vets to be boarded there while they were gone and he would be back in about an hour. He said for Ennis to use his key and go on inside and he'd be back as soon as he could.

Ennis fished in his pocket and brought out his key ring with the shiny new key on it. He stuck it in the lock and the door clicked opened. He went inside and looked around. He grinned at the spots he saw on the floor where the pups had made a mess. Jack was going to have his work cut out for him, training four pups. He walked through the house and looked at signs of Jack all over the place. A box of Cheerios sitting on the kitchen table, a shirt lying across the back of the couch, a couple beer bottles sitting around, and puppy paw prints everywhere in every room.

He took the stairs two at a time and went into Jack's room. He stood for a long time staring at the closed closet door and wondered for a time if maybe he imagined it. After all, who would keep a couple of bloodied shirts for twenty years! He started to head back downstairs but his curiosity got the better of him and he went over and opened the closet door.

There they were. Jack's denim blue shirt with his white plaid shirt tucked neatly inside.

"Now why'd he go and do somethin like that for?" Ennis whispered as he touched the shirts. "Why'd he take my shirt and why'd he keep it all these years?" And most curious of all to Ennis was, why it made him feel all funny inside knowing Jack had his shirt?

He put finger tips to the collar of the denim shirt and thought it was almost like touching Jack. "Was that why you kept my shirt, Jack? Did it make you feel like you was touchin me?" Ennis whispered in the empty room.

He was startled by the sound of the truck pulling up out front and closed the closet door. He got to the bottom of the steps just as Jack came through the front door.

"Hi! I see you made it. Been waitin long?" He grinned and tossed is hat up on the hook by the door.

"Nah. Five minutes maybe."

"Good. Well, the place is a mess. Those puppies are gonna keep me moppin till I can get

'em house trained."

"Give you somethin to do." Ennis grinned.

"Yeah. Keep me out a trouble I guess." Jack agreed with a chuckle. "You about ready to hit the road?"

"Sure enough."

"Good. Help me load this stuff in the truck and we're out a here." Jack bent to the pile of camping equipment that was stacked by the door and Ennis took a double armful as well. Ennis grabbed his gear out of his truck and in no time they were on the road and heading up into the Big Horns.

In less than two hours they were setting up camp in one of their favorite spots. Jack worked on the tent while Ennis got the fire pit going and in a short time the coffee pot was steaming and they were sharing a cup of coffee and resting in lawn chairs.

"It sure is nice gettin here with only a couple hours drive instead of that long 14 hour drag I used to make." Jack said as he rested a foot on the rocks circling their fire.

"Uh huh. I reckon that was a hell of a long drive all right." Ennis agreed.

"You think we'll catch us an elk?"

"Don't see why not. We'll go out fist thing in the morning and see if we can spot any tracks."

"And after we can fish? That green ice chest has dry ice in it. I brought stuff so we can clean and package the fish for freezin."

"Good. Did you remember the bait?"

"I did. It's in the smaller red ice chest."

"Good. You hungry?"

"Yeah, I am. I bought some steaks."

"Those you brought last May were the best I ever ate." Ennis said as the two of them got up and got their dinner started.

"Got these at the same place. Should be about the same." Jack answered.

Dinner was fine and they were no sooner finished then a light mist started to fall. They doused the fire and retired to the tent to their open and waiting sleeping bags. It was as it always had been for them – jostling one another as they got situated inside the tent with the warm glow of the lantern, shoving boots and hats and clothes over to one side and climbing gratefully into the warmth of the double sized sleeping bag and into each others arms.

They kissed and caressed and whispered sweet words to one another and soared in the luxury of their passion and fell asleep.

In the first light of morning, after the darkest part of the night and before the sun actually rose, Ennis lay with his head against the back of Jack’s neck, his arm around Jack’s shoulder and one leg slung across Jack’s. He inhaled deeply and smiled. This was where he was meant to be; wrapped around Jack. He knew it – felt it in every bone in his body.

“What are you thinkin about lying there so quiet like?” Jack asked without moving a muscle for fear that Ennis would get up and he didn’t want to lose one single second of their night together.

“You.” Ennis answered truthfully.

“What about me?” Jack asked and moved a hand up to grip the arm that Ennis had around him.

Ennis was hesitant at first; afraid to bring up what was really on his mind. He nuzzled down closer against Jack’s back, held him just a little tighter and asked. “You know that letter you wrote me?”

“I do. What about it?” Jack asked and his heart started pounding faster.

“It’s the first letter I ever got. The only letter I ever got.” Ennis stalled.

“And you thought so much of it that you wadded it up and threw it on the floor.” Jack said and immediately regretted the words. The last thing he wanted right at that moment was to start up their twenty year old argument.

“I was scared, Jack.” He left the words hang in the air before he added, “I’m always scared.”

Jack hugged his arm a little tighter. “I know you are. I’d give anythin if I could help you with that so’s you wouldn’t be scared no more.”

“Jack, ain’t you ever scared? You know what could happen if we got found out.”

“Yes, Ennis, I get scared sometimes. But you know what I get more than I get scared?”

“What?”

“I get mad. It just ain’t right that we should have to live alone just cause we’re a little different. Nobody’s got a right to tell me who I can love and who I can’t. It ain’t nobody’s business but ours. It just ain’t right is all I got to say and it makes me madder than hell.”

They were both silent for a while and then Ennis spoke quietly. “I seen some guys around town, years back. You know the kind I mean? Fancy boys, fingernail polish, ear rings, swishing around town. Everybody starin at ‘em, callin ‘em queer. Are we like that Jack? Queer?”

Jack pulled out of Ennis’s grip and rolled over onto his stomach, braced up on his elbows.

“We ain’t like them in any way, shape or form, Ennis. They’re a breed unto themselves. We are what we are; two men who happen to love each other. If that makes us queer or gay then so be it. I don’t care what they call us. They can put any label on me they want to; it won’t bother me none.”

“It bothers me. It scares the hell out a me.”

“I know it does, Cowboy. And I’m sorry as I can be about that. I just wish you’d see that whatever other people think, don’t really matter none. They got no right to tell us we can’t be together.”

“It matters when they get drunk. It matters when they come after you in the dark with tire irons.” Ennis shuddered as he spoke. That long ago memory of Earl still haunting him.

“You think about that *all* the time? No wonder you’re so scared.” Jack bent down and nuzzled a kiss against Ennis’s whiskery cheek.

“I wish I wasn’t, Jack. Honest to God, I do!” He hugged Jack close to him for a minute before letting him go. “I get so scared sometimes, it’s like everyone I see on the street knows and is thinkin about killin me.”

“Fear is a hateful thing, Ennis. It can eat you alive if you let it.”

“I know. That’s what my Daddy used to tell me. I was always scared of somethin and he’d give me a good talkin to whenever he saw fear in me. He’d hate me if he knew.”

“He’s beyond hatin anyone now, Ennis. You don’t have to worry about him.”

“I know.” Ennis was quiet for a while then asked. “You really mean all them things you said in your letter?”

“I did. Every single word.” Jack assured him.

“You didn’t do it though.”

“Do what?”

“You said that if I didn’t move in with you that you’d find someone who would. You said you had some offers. I figured you had a whole bunch a guys lined up to choose from.” Ennis picked at his nails.

Jack gave a little laugh. “A whole bunch a guys lined up waiting for me to go ‘eenie, meenie, miney, mo.” He laughed at the absurd idea.

“You said.”

“I said lots of things in that letter and that’s the only thing you remember?”

“Nope. Just the one thing that worried me the most.” Ennis stuck his thumb in his mouth and chewed the nail.

Jack looked at him for a while, sighed deeply and decided to go for the truth. “Last time we met, back in May before we had that fight; I told you I was slippin around and seein a neighbor’s wife.”

Ennis nodded his head.

“Well, it wasn’t the neighbor’s wife I was seein – it was the neighbor. We been seein each other for about a year now.”

Ennis pulled away, sat up and dug in his shirt pocket until he found a cigarette.

“He’s a nice guy, Ennis.”

“I don’t want a hear about any a your boyfriends!” Ennis snapped.

“We was talkin about the letter. There ain’t no string a boy friends. There was just the one. It wasn’t never nothin like it is with you and me. It was just … somethin to take the loneliness away for a little while … somethin to help me make it until I could be with you again.”

“How convenient.” Ennis said sarcastically.

“It wasn’t never anythin important. It was just … somethin I needed.” Jack lowered his eyes, feeling the shame for he could see the truth of his actions caused Ennis so much pain.

“You got a good strong right hand. You couldn’t a just used that?” Ennis accused angrily.

“God, Ennis. I can’t tell you how many times … how often I did that. It just wasn’t enough. I needed more.” He tried to make Ennis understand.

“So you went out and got yourself a steady boyfriend. So where does that leave me? I get sloppy seconds? Or does he? Exactly where do I sand in this line up, Jack? First? Second? Or are there others I don’t know about?” Ennis got up and went outside.

Jack followed and found him by the stream relieving himself. Jack unzipped and did the same. Ennis went about getting a fire going while Jack readied the coffee pot. They sat in their lawn chairs silently. When Jack couldn’t stand it any longer, he spoke.

“How many women you been with these last twenty years?” Jack asked.

“That don’t count.”

“It sure as hell does. You got off didn’t you? How many of ‘em did you turn over and pretend you was doin me?”

“It ain’t the same!” Ennis insisted.

“Why? Because you think nobody cares if you fuck some woman?”

“Nobody does.”

“I do! Ain’t I somebody?” They stared at each other for some time and then they both heard the coffee boiling and reached for their cups.

They sipped their coffee for a bit then Jack added. “We’re each a us givin away to strangers when what we both need to be givin to each other.”

“And if we get caught? We can kiss our dicks goodbye!”

“Shit, Ennis, we may as well if we don’t get to use ‘em the way we want to.”

“Jack fucking Twist! You never give up; do you? And what the hell you got my shirt in your closet for? Huh? Why’d you take my shirt?” Ennis whirled on him.

“You ain’t got that one figured out yet?” Jack asked with a little grin. He pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket. He stuck one between his lips and handed one to Ennis. He flicked his lighter and lit his. Ennis leaned over and he lit his as well.

“It’s still all dirty and nasty after all these years. The least you could a done was wash the two of ‘em.” Ennis drew deeply on his cigarette and cleared his throat.

“I didn’t want ‘em washed. I wanted ‘em exactly the way they were up on Brokeback.”

“They weren’t never all inside each other like you got ‘em.”

“Maybe our shirts weren’t but we were.” Jack gazed into the fire remembering that long ago time when their world was so perfect and fear was not in their vocabulary.

Ennis grunted and nodded. “A lot a things changed since then.”

“Maybe.” Jack said. “And maybe not. I still feel the same way about you. No, that’s not true.”

Ennis pulled his gaze from the campfire and stared at Jack.

“I don’t feel the same. Back then, I had hope. I believed that sometime in the future we could be together, make a life for ourselves.”

Ennis ducked his head as though he’d been slapped. He looked back into the fire.

“I was stupid enough to think that something as special as we had between us would last forever – stupid enough to think that you felt that way too.”

“You weren’t never stupid, Jack.”

“Ennis, there ain’t no guarantees in life. Don’t matter if you’re gay or straight or Republican or Democrat or black or white. When your time comes, it comes. Ain’t nothin you can do to avoid that. I just don’t want a spend my life sittin around and waitin for it to end. I want a enjoy it while I’m here. Is that so wrong?”

“Don’t ask me about right or wrong cause I don’t know any more. I just know what’s askin for trouble and two guys livin together is askin for trouble.”

“So that’s it then? That’s your answer? You ain’t never gonna move in with me?”

Jack stood up and wiped his jeans off.

“It just ain’t possible.” Ennis answered miserably as he continued staring into the fire.

“That’s a lie!” Jack accused.

“You callin me a liar?” Ennis stood up and faced him.

“I am. It’s possible all right. You’re just too much of a coward …” That’s all he got out before Ennis socked him and knocked him on his ass.

“No man calls me a coward!” Ennis steamed with clenched fists, waiting for Jack to get to his feet to continue the fight.

“You’re either a liar or a coward.” Jack said as he rubbed his jaw. “Either you don’t really love me or you’re just too much of a coward to even try to make a life with me.”

Jack didn’t get up and Ennis didn’t have it in him to hit a man while he was down so he stalked off into the woods. Jack stayed where he was for a good long time before getting up. He stalked around the campsite for hours but Ennis didn’t come back. He sat and waited.

Ennis didn’t come back till after dark. Jack was sitting by the campfire, coffee cup in hand. Ennis poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down.

“Jack …” He turned to face Jack. “Turn around here and look at me. I need you to really hear what I got a say.”

Jack turned to face him. “I’m listening.”

“The first thing we need to get straightened out here is this: I love you. I never thought it was possible to feel the way I do about someone like I do you. I never thought that fallin in love was somethin that was in the cards for me and I never thought it would be with another fella.” He cleared his throat and watched Jack’s face for a reaction. There was none for Jack wasn’t hearing anything that he didn’t already know. Ennis went on.

“It’s true though, what you said. I am a coward. I’m scared every minute of every day, Jack, but it’s as much for you as it is for me. Don’t you get that? You think all this time I’m just scared for myself? What would I do if anythin ever happened to you?”

Jack swallowed hard and looked away.

“You still mad at me? You ain’t gonna talk to me?”

“I’m not mad at you, Ennis. I’m just … frustrated. I know you love me. I’ve always known that. I just can’t seem to get it across to you that whatever comes our way, we could handle it. I know we could. I just wish I could make you see that.”

“We couldn’t handle bein dead, Jack.”

Jack got up from the fire and went to stand by the lake. He needed the cool breeze to settle his anger down. After a minute or two Ennis joined him. “I can’t change the way things are, Jack.”

“Ennis, how would anyone know if you was just a hired hand livin on the ranch or if we was sleepin together? Can you tell me that?”

“Secrets always get out. You know that.”

“Jesus! How many times we have this same conversation?” Jack asked in exasperation.

“Things don’t change, Jack.”

“Yes they do, God damn it! Yes they do! Don’t you get that? We change. Everything changes. But one thing stays the same and that’s that we got every right in the world to live with whoever we want and it ain’t nobody’s business! That’s one thing that’s never gonna change.” He walked back over to the fire and sat down on the log.

Ennis came back over and sat beside him but said nothing.

“I’m starvin. You want a eat?” Jack asked.

“Yep. Haven’t had nothin all day but cigarettes and coffee.” Ennis agreed.

They heated up some hot dogs and they ate until both packages of dogs and buns were empty. After wards they doused the fire and headed for the tent. They lay side by side in silence for a long time.

“Livin with you would be worth any price I had to pay.” Jack said in the darkness.

Ennis wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close but said nothing. Sleep was a long time in coming but it finally claimed them.

When Ennis awoke the next morning he was cold and alone. He pulled his boots on, grabbed his jacket and hat and went outside. Jack was no where to be seen but his truck was still there. Ennis started the fire and put the coffee on. Still no Jack. After his second cup of coffee he began to get worried. Where was he? Why hadn’t he come back?

It wasn’t until he emptied the last of the coffee into his cup that he realized he was starting on his sixth cup of coffee and still no Jack. He had just decided to go look for him when he spotted a figure on the far side of the lake. He watched for a while until he was sure it was Jack and he seemed to be heading in his direction so Ennis decided to wait until he got there.

Jack took his time and when he got to the camp site he went straight to the tent and start dismantling it. He was packing up the camping gear and Ennis asked.

“You don’t want nothin to eat?”

“Not hungry.” Jack answered and kept stowing the gear in the back of the pickup.

“You don’t want a try for no elk?”

“I’m goin home Ennis. I can’t do this no more. I don’t want to.” He continued and Ennis pitched in and helped load things. They were driving and nearly home before Ennis spoke.

“I guess you had your fill a me.” He couldn’t look at Jack.

“I love you, Ennis. I always have and I always will but I can’t take this no more. You say you love me and I know you like bein with me, the sex and all, but I don’t think you love me the way that I love you.”

“Jack, that ain’t true.”

“Yes it is. You love me … like you love hot dogs or beer, or sleepin in on Saturdays. But you’re able to make it just fine without me. I love you – I need you … like the air I breathe, like the blood that runs through my veins. I can’t … I won’t live like this any more. It’s killin me.”

“I’m sorry, Bud. I never meant to cause you no pain.”

“I know that. But we’re passed all that now. There’s nothin left to do but to end the pain.”

“End … us?”

“Uh huh. There ain’t gonna be no ‘us’ any more. You go on back to Riverton and live your life exactly the way you want it – safe in your little trailer.”

“And what are you gonna do?”

“I’m gonna take me a little trip down to Childress; see Bobby and maybe visit old friends.” Jack said as he gripped the steering wheel with both hands and blinked back the tears that threatened.

Ennis said nothing. He just sat there as if frozen in time. When they arrived at the ranch Ennis tossed his things into the back of his truck and burned rubber out of there, throwing dirt and stones everywhere. Jack ignored him and went on into the house.

XXXXX

It was the longest, coldest winter that Ennis could ever remember. When spring finally showed its face with a little sunshine and the blossoming of some wild flowers along the highway, he breathed a sigh of relief. Not a day went by that he didn’t think about Jack and wonder what he was doing and if he was alone or not. He picked up the phone a hundred times to call him but always put it back down before he could bring himself to dial. He had no right to cause Jack any further pain. Jack ended it and that was that.

Ennis stayed on at Sears and was stunned when he got his first full time pay check. It was more than twice what he had been making out at the ranch. He began fixing up his little trailer some. He put in a new heater, got a plumber out to fix up the bathroom and started thinking about some better furniture. He picked up some new boots and jeans and even sprung for a couple new shirts. His child support payments were finished and Jenny had graduated from High School and was now living with her sister up in Alaska where her brother-in-law Curt was working on the pipeline.

The loneliness crept up on him slowly, catching him unaware. He had always been able to handle it before but he had always had a calendar with a certain date circled in red to look forward too. Now he had nothing – nothing at all to plan for, to wait for, to get excited about. He kept no calendar any more. He didn’t care what day or month or year it was. It didn’t matter.

“Son of a fucking bitch!” He hollered as the knife sliced through his thumb. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around the wound but he couldn’t stop the blood. He held it under the running water but that just made it worse. There was blood on his sandwich so he just tossed it in the trash. He was still dancing around and cursing when someone knocked on his door. He answered it on the third knock.

“What?” He demanded while holding the bloody towel against his thumb.

“Oh my goodness, Ennis. What happened?” Alma let herself in and tried to help.

“It’s nothin, Alma. Just cut my thumb half off instead of the fuck… sorry. I was tryin to cut my sandwich and cut my thumb.”

“Let me look at it. C’mon now.” She pulled at his arm.

He relented and let her take a look. As soon as she released the towel it started to bleed heavily again.

“You need stitches, Ennis. C’mon. I’ll drive you to the doctor’s office.”

“It’s Saturday. He ain’t in.”

“Dr. Warner is. He has Saturday hours until noon. C’mon. It’s just past eleven. We want to get there before he closes. C’mon. I’ll drive.” She pulled him out the door.

He grabbed his hat and jacket on the way out. He didn’t want to go but he knew he wouldn’t be able to get much work done on Monday if he didn’t get this wound taken care of.

It took four stitches to close the wound and he tried to hide it but he was a little woozy from the shot they gave him.

“No, he ain’t got no insurance.” Alma was saying and Ennis realized that they were talking to him.

“Huh? Yeah, I got insurance.” He fumbled for his wallet.

“You ain’t never had insurance in your life, Ennis del Mar.” Alma scolded.

“Yes, I have. Got it a few months ago when Sears took me on full time.” He handed the card to the receptionist.

“Sears? You tellin me you’re workin at Sears now? Where? In the men’s department? I was there just a few days ago and didn’t see you.”

“I work in the back, in the warehouse. I drive a fork lift. I ain’t out with the customers. I couldn’t do that.”

“I never figured you to be doin indoor work.” Alma said as the receptionist returned the insurance card to Ennis and they walked out the door.

“Mr. Stoutamire got his city relatives stayin with him now and they’re doin all the work. He had to lay everyone off. I got on at Sears at Thanksgivin time.” Ennis answered as they got into Alma’s car.

“That was five months ago and you’re still there?” She questioned him.

“Yeah. I like the guy I’m workin for. He’s a good boss. He tells me what to do and he don’t expect me to do nothin but my own work.”

“Sounds like you were gettin kind a fed up with ranch work.” Alma said.

“Nah, I still like ranch work best. I just got tired a carryin more than my share a the load out there. I don’t like workin with slackers and he had a couple on the payroll that weren’t worth spit.”

“Well, there’s that kind all over, I guess.”

“Maybe so but I sure don’t like workin with ‘em.”

“There’s no slackers over at Sears?”

“Nope. Not in the warehouse. There’s three other guys and me and we all do what the boss sets out for us to do. Ain’t seen nobody slackin off since I been there.”

“Well that’s good. You gonna be able to work on Monday?” Alma asked as they pulled up to Ennis’s trailer and got out.

“I’ll be fine. I just needed help gettin this thing to stop bleedin.” They went inside and Ennis put on a pot of coffee. “Want some coffee?” He asked.

“Yes, thanks. I could really use a cup or a gallon.” She pulled off her jacket and tossed it on the bed.

“Sit.” He offered and pointed to the little table. She sat down and waited and in a few minutes he brought two steaming cups of coffee over and handed her one.

“So what’d you come by for? The girls all right?” He took a seat on the corner of his bed across from her.

“Yeah, the girls are fine.” She averted her eyes and stared into her coffee cup. “I just came by … I don’t know why I came here. I really don’t. I guess maybe …”

“Maybe what?” Ennis encouraged her to continue.

“I’m so messed up, Ennis. I needed someone to talk to.”

“Why me? I thought you hated me.”

“Hate you? NO! I could never hate you, Ennis. I was just … I don’t know. I think maybe I was wrong … about a lot of things.”

“You lost me.” Ennis had no idea what she was talking about.

“I think I got things wrong, read things wrong.”

“What things?”

“I never should a divorced you, Ennis. I never should a got mixed up with Monroe. He ain’t half the man you are!” She plopped her coffee down on the table and reached for a tissue in her purse. She dabbed at her nose and eyes.

“I thought you were happy. I thought you got everythin you wanted. A nice house in the city, a husband with a nice clean job makin good money. You got your boys.” Ennis didn’t know what to say. He just wanted her out of there. He was hungry and his thumb was throbbing. He wanted to eat something and take an afternoon nap.

“I should a been a better wife to you, Ennis. I should a …”

“Alma, there’s no use in bringin up the past. We both made mistakes.” Ennis stood and took his coffee cup to the sink and hoped that she would do the same but she sat there sniffling.

“You remember that Thanksgivin you came over to the house for dinner and I said all those awful things to you about Jack Twist?” She said in her small whiney voice.

“I remember.” Ennis seethed at the memory but stood where he was by the sink.

She turned around to face him.

“I owe you an apology for that. It was hateful of me and I had no right to say such things.”

Ennis stood silent.

“We spent Christmas in Cheyenne with Monroe’s folks. I saw somethin that shocked me.”

“What? What did you see?” He didn’t know and he didn’t care. He just wanted to get this conversation over with and get her out of there.

“Some friends of Monroe’s came over. Friends he hadn’t seen in years. They came in and Monroe grabbed ‘em and hugged ‘em and kissed ‘em – right on the mouth; all three of ‘em.”

Ennis swallowed hard. “So?”

“I never seen that before, Ennis. Men kissin men on the mouth.”

Ennis poured himself another cup of coffee.

She stood up then and walked over closer to him. “I asked Monroe about it later and he said it was just a family thing. These guys weren’t his family but they had grown up together and were like family. He said lots a men kiss and it don’t have to mean anything … anything nasty.”

Ennis sipped his coffee and said nothing.

“When Jack Twist first came to Riverton … I never said nothin but I saw the two of you. I saw you kissin. I swear to you Ennis, I’d never seen that before and I thought …”

“You thought what?” Ennis finally found his tongue.

“I thought it meant … I mean … well … you know … all them things I said to you. I thought you and him were …”

Ennis looked out the window and wondered how he could politely get this woman out of his trailer.

“I was wrong. Dead wrong. I should a known better. I mean for God’s sake! Who should know better than me how much of a man you are.”

“Alma, is there a point to all this?”

“Yes. I’m tryin to apologize to you. I jumped to conclusions when I saw the two of you kissin. Things between us wasn’t never the same after that and it was all my fault.”

“It wasn’t nobody’s fault, Alma. It just happened.”

“I was wrong and I’m so ashamed of myself. Can you ever forgive me?”

He didn’t know what to say to that so he just nodded ‘yes’ and hoped she would just go.

“Oh thank you!” She wept and grabbed him in a hug. She cried against his chest before he was able to untangle her and head her towards the door.

“You best be on your way now, Alma. You don’t want to worry Monroe by bein gone too long.”

“But Ennis … I want to look after you. You’re hurt. Let me take care of you – cook you something.”

“Nah, I ain’t hungry.” He lied. “Just sleepy. That shot the doc gave me made me sleepy. I think I need to take a nap.”

“I could come by later and make you dinner.” She offered hopefully.

“No, I don’t think Monroe would like that.” He opened the door for her.

“He won’t care none. Not at all in fact. We’re gettin divorced.” She fled down the steps and into her car.

Ennis closed the door and locked it. What a relief. She’s finally gone.

XXXXX

Childress, Texas …

“I’m sorry, Randal.”

“I am too, Jack. I was so happy to see you back. I thought maybe things might be different this time.”

“Me too. But it’s no use. I can’t get him out a my mind and it’s not fair to you.” Jack apologized as he pulled his jeans back up and fastened them.

“How long you gonna be in town? Maybe we could try again … tomorrow?”

“No, Randall. I think we’re beatin a dead horse here. I like you. I like you a lot. But …”

“But your heart isn’t in it. It’s up in Wyoming with some guy who doesn’t appreciate you.”

“I didn’t say that.” Jack reached for his hat.

“You didn’t have to. When you left here last year and moved up there you were all happy and full of hope. Now you’re back here with a long face and callin me. I can put two and two together. I just wish I knew what it is that that guy has that draws you to him like a magnet.”

“I got a go.” Jack said as he walked out of the cabin and Randall followed him out to his truck.

“You got my number. Call me.” Randall said.

“This was a mistake, Randall. I’m sorry I dragged you into my misery.”

“I’m not. It gives me a little hope that maybe you might decide to move back down here and we could take up where we left off.” He reached out and squeezed Jack’s arm.

“Don’t be hoping for that. I told you I bought a place in Wyoming.”

“I know. You also told me you wouldn’t be comin back and yet here you are.”

“Good bye, Randall.” Jack said with a finality he was sure of this time. He turned his truck around and headed north.

XXXXX

“Alma, you got a stop this. You can’t keep comin over here like this.”

“Well for heaven’s sake, why not? I was bakin and I remembered how you loved these molasses cookies so I just brought you some. What in the world could be wrong with that?”

“It just aint’ right, is all.” Ennis scowled. “Shouldn’t you be spendin the day with your boys?”

“They ain’t hardly my boys no more, Ennis. They’re mostly Monroe’s. You know he’s got ‘em signed up for violin lessons! Did you ever hear of such a thing?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“He’s got ‘em listenin to classical music, for God’s sake.”

“Alma, this ain’t none a my business.”

“I know, honey, I just needed someone to talk with. You know me. I’m not a complainer but it’s just awful at the house.”

“I can’t do nothin about that.” Ennis didn’t want to get involved, he just wanted to get rid of her.

“You always were such a good listener.” She plopped herself down at his little table. “You got any coffee to go with these cookies?”

He sighed and poured two cups and brought them over to the table. He had to figure a way to get rid of her and stop her coming over every weekend. He picked up a cookie and munched on it.

“He says he’s trying to educate me, to bring a little culture into my life but I can’t stand all that music he listens to. There’s no words or nothin, just lots of strange music that sounds like somethin out of a movie or somethin. It’s just awful.”

Ennis sipped his coffee.

“He’s got the boys walkin around hummin that stuff and the way he insists they dress! Not a pair of jeans in their closet. It’s all slacks and white shirts and ties on Sunday. He got mad at me Christmas time when I brought home a football. I was all set to wrap it when he saw it and I got a lecture about ‘brutal animalistic sports’ and how many serious injuries they cause. He made me take it back!”

“Some people don’t like sports.” Ennis commented sagely.

“Well, I think it’s disgusting – the way they’re growing up. I got no say in the matter though. He brings in the money so he’s got the say-so.”

“That’s the way it usually is.”

“Well it stinks is all I got a say about it. He’s ruinin those boys right before my eyes and I can’t do a thing about it.”

“You got the boys five days a week. He’s only got them on the weekends. Can’t you do them the way you want when you got ‘em?”

“I tried that. And they’re on his side!” She grabbed up a tissue and started weeping again. “All week long all I hear is ‘when is Daddy coming to get us?’ or ‘Is it Friday yet?’ They can’t hardly wait to get away from me. They hate my music and when I turn it on, they go into their room and play that horrible classical stuff on their stereo Monroe bought them. They play that awful stuff every single day! When the neighbor boys are outside playin ball or chase or ridin bikes, they want to stay inside and practice their violins! Both of ‘em!” She wailed.

“Well if they like playin …”

“I hate it! I hate all that screechin. The violin is the most horrible instrument ever invented! I think they do it just to irritate me.”

“Now I’m sure that ain’t true,” Ennis took another cookie.

“I been such a fool, Ennis. I never should a divorced you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.” She dabbed at her eyes.

“Leave the past where it is, Alma. What’s done is done.”

“We were good together though, Ennis. Don’t you remember?” She reached over and took his hand.

“I remember it ended.” Ennis said as he withdrew his hand from hers and got up. He took his cup to the sink and rinsed it out. Hoping that she would take the hint and leave.

She stood to go. “It ended because I was a fool. I made a mistake and mis-read things. I’ll regret that all my life. But we’re still young, Ennis. Forty ain’t nothin now-a-days.”

“It don’t feel like nothin.” Ennis said as he held the door open for her.

“You were always such a gentleman.” She smiled sweetly at him. “I’ll see you next weekend then.” She said as she headed for her car.

“I won’t be here next weekend.”

“You goin somewhere?”

“Yeah. Up north to visit a friend.”

“I could go with you.” She offered eagerly.

“No. That wouldn’t work. He’s newly divorced and he hates all women right now.”

“Oh dear.” She commiserated.

“See ya.” He gave a little wave, stepped back inside his trailer and closed the door. He didn’t breathe any easier until he heard her car start up and drive off. He vowed he’d be out of town next Saturday, one way or the other.

Alma didn’t show her face all week. No quick drop-ins while the boys waited in the car and she dropped off some left over spaghetti, or meat loaf or pot roast. Not one phone call with yet another apology. By Saturday morning, Ennis was convinced she had gotten the message and there was no need for him to go anywhere. After all, it wasn’t like he had any place to go.

He had just started gathering his dirty clothes to take to the Laundromat when he heard the car door close out in front. A quick peek out the kitchen window showed Alma heading for his door.

“Shit!” He murmured and stomped into his boots, grabbed his shirt and answered the door.

“I knew you’d be leavin early so I got here as early as I could. I’ve got some fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans and a jug of sweet tea.” She handed him the picnic basket packed full of goodies.

“Alma, I don’t need all that stuff.” He tried to refuse.

“Of course you don’t *need* it but if I know you, you’d go off with just a couple peanut butter sandwiches and a jug of water. This is much better for you.” She smiled and pressed the basket into his hands. “I won’t sit down and stay. I know you’re anxious to get on the road. I just wanted to make sure you had a good healthy lunch. Oh and there’s some cookies in there too. Oatmeal raisin. Not your favorite, I know, but they’re good for you.”

“Alma …”

“You don’t need to thank me, I’m proud to do it. You be careful on the road now, Ennis, ya hear?” She reached up and tried to give him a kiss on the cheek but he backed away before she made contact.

“I will.” He mumbled, and she was gone before he got the nerve to look up. “Shit on a biscuit! What am I gonna do about her?” He asked. He shrugged into his jacket, snugged his hat on his head, grabbed up his laundry bag and walked out the door. He got in his truck and headed out.

He didn’t know where to go or what to do with himself for the weekend so he headed up towards Worland. He decided to pay his brother a visit. He hadn’t seen him in a couple of years and thought it was about time. He arrived mid morning only to be told by neighbors that K.E. and family had taken off to Casper to visit the in-laws. He decided to drive on over to Ten Sheep and have lunch there. There were some beautiful camp grounds there as it was right at the foothills of the Bighorns.

He finished off his lunch and smoked a cigarette. He wondered what he should do next. He was about out of smokes so he headed into the little store in the park to buy more. He was standing in line waiting to pay when he saw a small sign advertising a county fair going on over in Buffalo. He hadn’t been to Buffalo in years and couldn’t remember the last time he went to a county fair so he decided to drive on up there.

It was mid afternoon when he arrived. He walked along the midway and watched the kids running and screaming and getting on and off the rides. He remembered a time when he and Alma had taken the girls to a little parking lot carnival in town and how much they had loved it. That had been a good time. He remembered it with a smile. Then remembered that it was all gone. His girls were grown now and didn’t need him; Alma was gone. He was alone.

Seeing all the families laughing and enjoying themselves brought all his loneliness back. His heart ached. Why couldn’t it have been like that for him? He asked himself. Why did he have to lose it all; spend his life alone?

He stopped in front of a fun house and looked at himself in a mirror that bent him all out of shape. He stared at his image and thought that’s exactly how he felt – bent and twisted and different from everyone else. His heart ached.

He felt a tug on his pant leg and looked down to see a boy about 6 or 7 looking up at him.

“Don’t be sad, Mister. You don’t really look like that. It’s a trick mirror.”

The boy’s mother grabbed him by the hand and pulled him away. “I’m sorry,” She apologized then smiled at him. “You do look really sad though; like you’ve lost your best friend.”

“I did.” Ennis answered sadly and walked on.

The fair wasn’t as pleasant as he thought it would be and he sat in the parking lot smoking cigarettes for a long time trying to decide what to do next. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to drive those last 45 miles up to Sheridan. He couldn’t though. Jack would be up there with his boy friend. He couldn’t stand that. Seeing Jack there with someone else. He wondered if Jack gave his boyfriend the room he had said was for him. What difference does it make anyway? It’s not like he’d ever be able to step foot in that house again.

It was a really nice house though. He remembered all the different rooms, the fireplace in the front room and the nice porch. It was a really nice house.

He was taking the turn off the highway before he’d admit to himself where he was going. It can’t hurt just to drive by. Maybe he could get a look at the pups; see how much they’ve grown.

The gate was open and he drove right on in. Four big dogs came barking up to his truck and it took him a minute or two before he realized they were the pups; full grown now and singing out his arrival. He grinned at the thought as he drove up to the house. Just Jack’s pickup parked in front. His boyfriend must be in town. Well, he’ll just ask about the pups and be gone. Won’t take but a minute and he’ll drive back to Sheridan and spend the night in that little campground just south of town.

He pulled to a stop and got out. Jack walked out the front door and stood at the top of the steps. He leaned against the railing and lit a cigarette.

“Evenin,” Jack called out to him.

“Evenin, Jack. I was up to Buffalo and figured I’d drive on over and see how the pups were doin.” The dogs were all jumping and sniffing around him.

“They’re doin just fine.” Jack said.

“I can see that.” He waited for Jack to invite him in and when he didn’t he was at a loss.

“Mind if I come up on the porch and sit a spell? I been drivin most the day.”

“Why not?” Jack stepped back and waved to the rocking chairs sitting side by side on the porch. “It’d be down right cruel to turn a fella away after he drove all that way.” He gave Ennis the eye and Ennis felt the barb go in deep. He flushed with shame at that long ago memory.

“I could just go on … back to town. I was plannin on spendin the night at the campground there.”

“Come on up and sit. You’re here. I’d like to hear what you have to say.” Jack took a seat in one of the rockers and Ennis sat down in the other.

“This is nice. I always wanted a porch to sit out on evenins.” Ennis said lamely.

“You been to the Big Horns?” Jack asked.

“No. I drove up to see K.E. but he was out a town. Then I drove over to Buffalo to see the County Fair.”

Jack said nothing. He sat there rocking and his chair creaked with every backward movement. Ennis didn’t rock. He sat still and struggled for every word.

“I went by one a them Fun Houses. They had a mirror out front – one of them funny mirrors that when you look at yourself you’re all bent out a shape. It made me think. I’m a lot like that – kind a bent out a shape.”

Jack sat silently and listened.

The dogs ears perked up and all four of them took off towards the front of the property.

“You expectin company?” Ennis asked.

“Nope. Probably just a rabbit or squirrel.”

Ennis listened carefully and was relieved when he didn’t hear any vehicles coming up the road.

“The place is greenin up real good. You move the cows to a different pasture?”

“Uh huh.”

“Good. I guess you know about stuff like that; movin the herd from pasture to pasture.”

“Yep.”

“Well, I guess I’d better get on down the road. It’s gettin dark and you must be gettin ready for dinner.” Ennis stood to go.

“You hungry?” Jack asked as he stood.

“Nah. I had a big lunch.”

“Burger and fries?”

“Nah. Fried chicken, potato salad, baked beans.”

“You get all that at the County Fair?”

“Alma fixed it for me.”

“Alma? You seein her again?”

“Not by choice.”

“You need to explain that one.” Jack said with raised eyebrows and just a bit of a grin.

“She’s been comin by lately. Seems she and her grocery store husband have split up.”

“And she’s comin to you for comfort, I suppose.”

“She ain’t got no one else, Jack. The girls are both gone now and her sister and her family moved to California a couple years back.”

“So you’re it.”

“I guess so.”

“I thought you hated her.”

“I don’t hate her. I don’t like her but I don’t hate her.”

“Then why you let her come around for?”

“She comes knockin at my door. Least I can do is let her in.”

“Ennis, I’ll never understand you as long as I live. Why on earth would you put up with someone you don’t like just to be polite? Your momma drill manners into your head that deeply?”

“Don’t see nothin wrong with lettin her in the door. Sides she usually brings food over.”

“You that hard up for food?”

“No. I’m makin good money now and I ain’t got no more support payments to make.”

“Then why you need her food for?”

“I didn’t say I needed it. I just said she usually brings stuff over. Ain’t nothin wrong with that.” Ennis defended himself.

“Well, send me an invitation to the weddin then.” Jack shook his head and made to go back into the house.

“Weddin? There ain’t gonna be no weddin.”

“You think not? You think she ain’t got that in her mind? Comin over and bring you her home cooked goodies? Pretty soon she’ll be offerin you some a her other goodies and you’re gonna take that too?”

“That’s ain’t gonna happen.” Ennis was becoming angry. Why would Jack talk to him like that? Why?

“You best get your Sunday suit ready cause that’s what she’s got on her mind and you’re almighty willin to let everyone else run your life.”

“Ain’t nobody else runnin my life but me!” Ennis voice began to raise.

“Oh please! You let strangers on the street tell you who you can sleep with and who you can’t. Soon as she snaps her fingers, you’ll be walkin down that aisle again.”

“Why you talk to me like this, Jack?”

“Cause I hate to see you make the same mistake you already made once before. You didn’t get her pregnant; did you?”

“No, she ain’t pregnant. And I ain’t ‘done her’ since before we got divorced.”

“Well, it’s just a matter of time.”

“What’s that s’posed to mean?”

“Nothin, Ennis. You go on now and live your life exactly the way everyone in Riverton thinks you should and to hell with what ever you really might like to do.” Jack walked into the house then and the screen door swung shut behind him.

Ennis walked back to his truck. The dogs were back now and circling all around him. He took a minute to pet each one then climbed into his truck and left. He watched the house as long as he could hoping to see Jack come back out on the porch or at least looking out the window at him leaving but there was no sight of him.

He sat in his truck in the campgrounds, smoked cigarettes and drank beer and wrestled with his thoughts. Was that what he was doing? Letting other people tell him how he should live his life? Was Alma really trying to get him to marry her again? She did try to kiss him when she gave him the food for his trip. He had put a stop to that though and stepped away from her in time. No, she was just going through a difficult time. She was lonely. He was lonely. What was wrong with two lonely people spending a little time together? Nothing. Jack was crazy. He was probably trying to get him out of there. His boyfriend was probably due home for dinner.

Ennis curled up on the seat and went to sleep.

He drove back home Sunday in a complete fog. He didn’t find out anything at all on his visit with Jack except that Jack was still angry with him. He went over their conversation again and again and just couldn’t see why Jack felt the way he did. He was still musing over things when he pulled up to his trailer and saw Alma’s car out front and the lights on inside.

He came through the door just as Alma was taking a meat loaf out of the oven.

“Alma! What are you doin here? How’d you get in?”

“Oh hi honey. I got a key from the park manager. I told her I was your wife.”

“You ain’t my wife no more, Alma.”

“Well I was so it ain’t that much of a lie. I cleaned the place for you. Washed your sheets and what dirty clothes I could find. I didn’t expect you this early. I was just gonna leave this meat loaf for you to take for your lunch. I know how you love meat loaf sandwiches.” She smiled at him. “You want a beer? I saw you were running low so I bought some. Got a few other groceries in too.”

She set the meat loaf on top of the stove and turned the oven off. She reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a beer.

“Alma, you can’t be doin stuff like this. It ain’t right.”

“Nonsense.” She scoffed as she popped the top off the bottle and handed it to him.

He took the beer and took a long thirsty swallow. “You best be goin now.”

“I will. If you’re sure you rally want me to go.” She smiled at him and took a step closer.

“I’m sure.” He stepped back from her and opened the door.

She reached for her jacket and purse. “I could stay … for just a while. It could be like old times.” She said in her wispy voice.

“No it can’t. It ain’t gonna be that way, Alma. We ain’t gonna make that mistake again.”

“OK. I can see you’re tired. All that drivin you done. But our bein together wasn’t no mistake. We were good together, Ennis. The only mistake was the one I made when I divorced you.” She gave his arm a squeeze and walked out the door.

He didn’t wait to see her off. He just closed the door and locked it. He stood looking around to see everything neat as a pin. The floor spotless and the sink clean. He shed his clothes and stepped into the shower. It was spotless as well. There was a new bar of soap in the dish and clean towels hanging on the wrack. He brushed his teeth and got into bed.

His dreams were as confused as he was. First he was walking into the church to get married and Jack was standing there waiting for him. When he got to the altar, he went to put the ring on Jack’s finger and the hand became Alma’s. She was smiling at him and he was bending down kissing her. He felt whiskers and he was kissing Jack. The alarm woke him and he got up, dressed and headed out for work; two meat loaf sandwiches in his lunch pail.

The next day he had ham and cheese sandwiches and chocolate cake for lunch, the next day it was bar-b-cue with pickles and apple pie for desert, Thursday it was chicken sandwich and molasses cookies and Friday it was sliced pork roast in between home bread slices with lemon meringue pie for desert. He licked his fork clean and noticed his co-workers whispering and laughing.

“What?” He asked.

“So what’s her name? You get yourself engaged or something, del Mar?” One of them asked.

“Huh?” He asked bewildered.

“You been workin her for months now and all you ever brought was peanut butter sandwiches and you drank water out a the sink. Now you’re carryin a fancy lunch box and bringin in gourmet lunches. Gotta be a gal in there somewhere.”

“My ex. She’s been fixin my lunch lately.”

“So the two a you gettin back together then?”

“Hell no!”

“That’s what he thinks.” One of them said and they all giggled. “She’s got you by the balls, man. First she feeds you, then she beds you then you’re off to see the preacher. I’d say you’re about half way there already.” They all laughed.

Ennis dropped his fork into his lunch pail, shut it and walked it back out to his truck. “They’re full a shit.” Ennis grumbled. “Ain’t no way I’m gonna make that mistake again.”

When he got home from work he heated up the casserole that Alma had left for him. He drank a few bottles of beer and watched a little TV and went to bed. He was dreaming about Jack. Jack was lying next to him, running his hands over him, kissing him all over. It was so good – so good. The next thing he knew it was daylight outside and he heard kids out front on their bikes roaring in and out and all around the different trailers. He opened his eyes, pissed off that he was awakened from his dream of Jack and found Alma sleeping beside him.

“ALMA!” He hollered and jumped over her to get out of bed. She rolled over on her back, stretched and yawned.

“Good morning, Darling.” She smiled at him.

“ NO! No! This ain’t happening, Alma. You need to leave here. NOW!”

“Oh don’t be such a prude, Ennis. It ain’t like we done nothin we ain’t done before.”

“Out, Alma. And take your casserole with you. I don’t want it. I don’t want you comin round here no more neither. We ain’t gettin back together. Get your clothes on and leave!” He went into the bathroom and locked the door. He took a long hot shower and when he came out Alma was gone.

He fucked Alma! He couldn’t believe it. How could he have let that happen? He was just trying to be nice to her. He didn’t like it when she hated him so and he did like the food she was bringing him but he never meant for anything like this to happen. He hadn’t even suspected she was thinking about it. His friends at work were right. Jack was right. He was letting himself get carried along in someone else’s plans. Letting others run his life. What a fool he’d been.

Shit. What if she’s pregnant? He’d be tied to her for another eighteen years. “Oh my God, No!” He paced the floor muttering to himself. He did a lot of soul-searching. Is this what he had done all his life? Let other people dictate how he was to live his life?

First it was his parents but that’s a natural thing, he reasoned. Everyone tries to do what their parents tell them. Then it was K.E. and his sister. Then they both got married. The last thing K.E. said to him after he got married was that he should go out and find himself a nice girl and get married. And that’s exactly what he did.

He remembered Alma in the back seat of her father’s car telling him she wanted to have lots of babies. He thought that was a fine idea. Then she had two and changed her mind so it was no more babies for them. She decided that. And he just went along with it.

Is that what he’s been doing? Just going along with whatever everyone thought he should be doing? Was he just living the life everyone thought he should? And who is this elusive ‘everyone’? His sister had passed away years ago from cancer. K.E. he didn’t even see but once or twice a year, if that. And Alma? What the hell did he care what she thought? The girls were grown now and gone; moved far away and only a short letter or two every couple of months to keep in touch. What did he care about what any of them thought?

What he did or didn’t do didn’t really matter to any of them. They were all surprised to hear that he was working for Sears but it didn’t really affect them one way or the other. He could just as easily be working on a ranch somewhere doing the kind of work he loved. He could even be working on Jack’s ranch. What would they care? What would any one of them care?

“What about the men with the tire irons?” He asked aloud. “They could still be out there.”

“They could be.” He reasoned. “And then again – maybe they’re not. Maybe Jack’s right. Maybe he’s been right all along and people just don’t care no more.” He stopped his pacing long enough to light a cigarette.

“It’s too late for me and Jack though. He’s gone and got himself a boyfriend to take my place. That’s probably why he didn’t invite me inside. The boyfriend was probably inside listenin to every word we said. They probably had a good laugh about it after I left.”

“Shit!” He cursed. He grabbed his hat and headed out the door.

It took him three and a half hours to reach Sheridan. He pulled up front and gave a couple honks on the horn. Jack came out with the dogs following behind. They surrounded Ennis as he walked toward the house.

“Ennis,” Jack greeted him with a nod.

“I want my shirt.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me. You got my shirt and I want it.”

“What the hell are you talkin about?”

“You know what I’m talkin about. You got my shirt. The one from Brokeback. I want it. Or did you throw it out when your boyfriend moved in?”

“That’s the shirt you’re talkin about?” Jack gave a bit of a sneer.

“It’s mine and I want it.”

“It ain’t yours no more.”

“It is so!”

“It was yours for a spell, that’s true, but it’s been mine now for twenty years and I aim to keep it.” Jack stood facing him with hands on his hips.”

“What for? You got no use for it no more. You got no use for me. Take one of *his* shirts and wrap it around one a yours. You don’t need mine!”

“You come all the way from Riverton just for a shirt that’s more than twenty years old, torn and stained?”

“It’s my shirt! I want it!”

“Well why don’t you go on up stairs and get it then. You know where it is.”

Ennis walked on up the steps and onto the porch and reached for the door handle.

“Will you do me one favor though?” Jack asked.

“What would that be?” Ennis asked trying hard to hold on to his anger but it was slipping away the closer to Jack he got.

“Take both shirts. Keep ‘em together. They been together so long … I kind a feel like they belong together.”

Ennis stared at him a minute then went on in and up the stairs. He went to Jack’s room and couldn’t help but look around. Nothing had changed. Everything looked about the same.

“Probably got the boyfriend stashed in the other room.” He muttered and turned to the room across the hall – the room that was supposed to be his. He opened the door and it was exactly as he remembered it. Nothing was changed, nothing was moved around, nothing was added. No one was using this room!

The thought choked him up a bit and he decided he needed to grab his shirt and get out of there. He went into Jack’s room, opened the closet and saw them. Jack’s denim shirt on top of his white plaid shirt. Above the shirts Jack had thumb-tacked a postcard with a picture of Brokeback Mountain on it. It was a little crooked and Ennis straightened it with a finger tip.

“You may as well take that too.” Jack said from the doorway.

Ennis’s hand came down from the postcard and rested on the shoulder of the blue denim shirt. He caressed it gently. Tears filled his eyes and he couldn’t speak. Two strong arms came around him from behind and he sank gratefully back into them.

“They belong together, Cowboy. Just like you and me do.” Jack said in a husky voice not far from tears himself.

“Jack … Jack, if I did what you want … wouldn’t I still be lettin other people tell me how to live my life? How is it different if it’s you or them?”

Jack spun him around and they were face to face, inches apart. “No, it wouldn’t be the same thing at all. They are setting out guide lines for you to follow, to conform to. I’m not tellin you how to live your life; I’m just tellin you to live your life the way you want to and not let others tell you how that should or shouldn’t be.”

Ennis gulped and for the first time he understood what Jack had been trying to tell him all these years. “What about … I don’t see no body else’s stuff here. You got someone else, Jack? You find that someone you want to live with?” Ennis asked and he was shaking like a leaf.

“I found someone I want to live with long ago … up on Brokeback Mountain. He’s the only one for me. I give him my heart way back then and I ain’t got it back – don’t want it back. It belongs to him.”

Ennis gasped with relief. “You didn’t bring no one back from Texas then?”

“Nope. Just myself.”

“Jack … I still got a chance? With you?”

“It’s not a chance with me, Cowboy. It’s a sure thing. I’m yours. This ranch is yours. We’re just waitin for you to come home.” Jack smiled his sweetest smile at him.

The next second in time they were crushing each other with strong arms that couldn’t get enough. Their mouths mashed together like their very lives depended on them not breaking contact. Words were mumbled, promises made, oaths sworn to. Seconds later they were on the bed, two bodies straining to get closer to one another. Their clothes melted away and the heat of their passion swept them to heights they had never imagined possible.

They lay side by side, quietly gasping air back into their lungs and barely conscious.

“I want my shirt.” Ennis said and nuzzled a kiss on Jack’s damp neck.

“You can have it but you have to take me with it.” Jack offered.

“I accept.”

The next thing they knew they were being pounced on by four big hairy dogs!

“What the hell?” Ennis sat up bleary eyed.

“I forgot to tell you. They like to sleep with me.” Jack grinned.

“So do I and I saw you first!” Ennis grunted as one of the dogs lay across his legs.

“So you get your shirt, me, the ranch and the dogs. We’re a package deal. Can you handle that?”

“Jack, I swear!” Ennis said with a smile as he wiggled his legs free and found a comfortable position nestled down as close to Jack as he could get.

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Donna McIntosh (Donna_McIntosh)

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