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/Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you/
I came to Oz eligible for parole in 50 years, but I'm never leaving now. Beecher, he thought he was doing good, doing the right thing, getting me off death row. He saved my life, got me back here, back into Em City, back near him. I'm not sure which is worse, waiting to die an ugly death in the name of justice, or being so close to Toby and not allowed to touch him.
/Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you/
I'm been in and out of prison most of my life. I'm used to the routines, to the games a man's got to play to survive inside. Hell, there's a part of me that enjoys the life, the violence and the fucking and the boredom. But it scares me now, too. Because despite everything, Toby still has a chance at parole, and I'm not sure I can live without him anymore.
/Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Sitting alone in my cell on death row, I had a lot of time to think. And I just kept coming back to Toby. I missed seeing him around every day, missed touching him, missed fucking him. Between getting stuck on death row, alone, without the familiar routines of Oz and missing Toby, I felt like I was in freefall. My attitude, my strength, my rep, none of it was going to help me.
/Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be/
I taught Toby a few things about surviving prison, taught him about betrayal and debt behind bars. But Toby taught me a few things, too, about forgiveness and trust, and even love. Toby seemed to see something worthwhile in me, and I really wanted to live up to that. It didn't work out that way. Oh, I read some of the books he read, picked up a bit more of the stuff I should've learned in school. But the rest of it, didn't take. I proved that much when Toby got his parole.
/Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me/
Toby got paroled, and I was going to let him go, I really was. Plenty of prags in the sea, and all that. But Toby was different, he treated me different. He knew exactly what kind of scum I am, but he was with me anyway. Without Toby there, it wasn't the same. I missed having him around, missed him knowing all the answers to "Up Your Ante." Without him there, looking at me like he expected more from me, it was too easy. Too easy to set him up, phone in the tip that he was carrying illegal chemo drugs. And then Toby was back, and things were back to the way they'd been, mostly.
/Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you/
I knew Toby would figure things out. But I'd hoped he'd forgive me again. Like he did after I broke his arms. But he won't, not this time. I could see it in his eyes.
/These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you/
I'd changed the game, made sure Schillenger's plan ended with the Nazi fucker the one shanked instead of Toby. I could see the end coming, see him hitting his limits for dealing with me. The writing was on the fucking wall, and the FBI was closing in hard. But I-I had to try, had to see if Toby would take me back that one last time.
/Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'/
I almost had him, but he had to ask. He wouldn't let go of the fact that I fucked up his parole on purpose, started spouting some bullshit about giving up things that are bad for him. I might not have known what I would do when we talked, but I got a plan when I looked over that railing.
/Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
If I needed any more proof that I was really, truly in love, I'd've had it when I thought about the little surprise that would be coming in the mail. It didn't even matter if Toby took me back or not, I wanted to do it for him. Make Oz a little safer for him.
/And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me/
I've killed men for ratting me out, for even /thinking/ of ratting me out. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't kill /him/. The original survivor, finally hesitating in the kill. There's cops and FBI agents that would piss themselves laughing, if they knew.
/Hurry I'm fallin'/
For a second, I regretted that I hadn't gone to talk to Sister Pete or gone to Mukada for confession before I talked to Toby.
/All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'/
I tried to tell Toby that I had a plan to protect him from the Nazis, to take care of him. But he wouldn't listen. He didn't even want me to touch him, he brushed my hands off like I was garbage. It was over, completely, and I'd never be able to change his mind. He'd sell me out to the FBI first.
/Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing/
It's not far from the second tier to the first floor. If you know how to take it, you can survive the fall just fine, even landing on bare cement. But I had a nice empty space, and if you know how to fall, you also know how /not/ to fall. I did everything I could to make it worse. I didn't try to correct, to get my legs or my arms under me to break my fall. I aimed my head at that floor like a missile, and I hit. I saw the look on his face, heard him scream, watched him try to catch me. I had to smile, because it showed that Toby still loved me, at least a little.
/And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be/
Schillinger always did think small. He'd branded Toby's body, trying to claim him. But me? I staked my claim on Toby's heart, on his mind, on his very soul. He loved me once, maybe even still did, even though he was going to sell me out. And now, just like Schillinger, Metzger, and the girl that landed him here, I'm a part of him. He'll never get me out of his head. At night, he'll dream about my broken body, that last yell when I made it sound like he pushed me. He's mine, and no earthly power will change that.
/Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me/
My own life wasn't worth shit. Sooner or later, Toby or someone else was going to roll on me and put me on death row. But I made my death count. No matter what the investigation says, no matter what the security tapes show, people are always going to believe he did it, that he murdered me. That'd give him the jizz to keep some of the animals off him. My little surprise for the Nazis would add to it. I have a tattoo of Christ, but I acted like Lucifer. I fell.