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Prime Minister James Hacker sighed wearily and took his glasses off. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “And we’re absolutely sure about this?” he asked Sir Humphrey Appleby.
Appleby smiled apologetically. “Alas, yes. We’ve checked and re-checked.”
“Have you really or are you just saying that to play for time?”
“I assure you. We conducted a thorough,” Appleby paused and grimaced, “and honest enquiry.”
Hacker looked at Appleby sharply. “Humphrey.”
“Truly, Prime Minister.” Appleby’s smile was back. “I merely followed your instructions. You were very clear. You said you wanted the leak enquiry pursued vigorously and immediately.”
“Vigorously and immediately. Your vocabulary is expanding by leaps and bounds. Maybe you can learn the meaning of energetic next.”
Appleby’s eyes narrowed and the smile became smug. “Perhaps, now will be a time when you must make a courageous decision.”
Hacker flinched. He shook his head at himself and sat up straight. “I will not be making this courageous decision alone, Humphrey. You’re in this as deep as I am.”
Appleby barely inclined his head, conceding the point. “If you recall, I did try to dissuade you. I warned you of the possible unpleasant ramifications and multiple sources of embarrassment if the enquiry were to discover the truth.” He smirked at Hacker. “You insisted.”
Hacker dropped his glasses on top of the file before and sat back in his seat. He folded his arms across his chest. “Since when do you do anything I ask?” he asked peevishly.
“I really cannot fathom why you say such things,” Appleby began in a mock put upon tone. “I and the rest of the civil service are but humble vessels used to carry out your policy. We are at the service of our political masters.”
Hacker held a hand up. “Don’t start all that. I’ve already got a headache.”
Appleby nodded and then asked, “And what shall you do about the Minister for Agriculture?”
“I don’t know. I’ve already lost one cabinet minister already. I don’t want to lose another so soon.” Hacker paused and chewed on his bottom lip. “Besides, David is very popular in the party right now. There’s liable to be a backlash if I sack him.”
“But you’re the head of your party, Prime Minister,” Bernard Woolley interrupted from the end of the table where he was taking notes. “Surely, the rest of cabinet will support you if you decide the Minister for Agriculture must go.” Hacker and Appleby just stared at him. He swallowed. “They should be on your side.” He looked from Hacker to Appleby. “They’re friends, aren’t they?”
Hacker snorted. “They’re friends who are just enemies who haven’t attacked yet.”
Woolley frowned. “I see.”
Hacker continued glaring at him. “When will you learn, Bernard?” he demanded in agitation.
“Perhaps, circumstances within the party are not as bad as you think,” Woolley suggested carefully. “Perhaps, you’re just being…” his voice trailed off and he helplessly looked to Appleby.
Hacker’s eyes flashed. “You’d be paranoid too if everyone was out to get you.”
Appleby stood. “Leave us alone for a moment, would you Bernard?”
Woolley nodded quickly in relief and stood up. “Yes, Sir Humphrey.”
Hacker watched Appleby walk around the table to his side. “Well, what do you suggest, humble vessel?” he asked sarcastically.
Appleby grinned and took the seat next to Hacker. He leaned close and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “I suggest you promote him.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“You’ve said so yourself. There are plenty of useless non-jobs.”
A slow evil smile crossed Hacker’s face. He leaned in so that they were almost touching. “Do you have a particular one in mind?”
Appleby arched an eyebrow. “The esteemed minister studied history at Cambridge, did he not?”
“Yes.”
Appleby smiled to himself for a moment before continuing, “How about Lord Privy Seal. That should appeal to his sensibilities.”
Hacker chuckled. “I love the way your mind works when it’s not directed against me.”
Appleby licked his lips. “Perish the thought.”
Hacker’s breath hitched. “Will you come up to the residence this evening, humble vessel?”
“I would be honored. How else will this humble vessel be filled?” Appleby replied suggestively.
Hacker sat back, away from the heat between them. He put his hands flat on the table and blew out a long breath. “You are utterly shameless, Humphrey,” he muttered.
Appleby smirked but said nothing. He sat still, taking deep breaths.
Hacker started to talk but his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. “Tell Bernard to have David come see me at once.”
Appleby reached across the table for his file folder. He stood and held it in front of him. His face was slightly flushed but his voice was as bland as ever. “Yes, Prime Minister.”