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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
Words:
869
Chapters:
1/1
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13
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1,091

Throwing A Shadow

Summary:

"My first memory is of a kick against my hand."

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:



THROWING A SHADOW
by Kit C
kitcastle@hotmail.com


#I'd sell my soul to keep yours at my heels.#
-Maria McKee, To Miss Someone

My first memory is of a kick against my hand.

Maybe I used to remember other things, some Christmas morning or Mom reading to me, but when I turn my thoughts back now all I get is that moment when they put my hand on Mom's belly and you kicked. They told me that I was going to be a big brother soon. Going to have to look after you. About a week after that they went to the hospital and left me with Aunt Kate. I didn't know how the hell I was supposed to look after you when they left me behind. I feel asleep on the couch with my Lone Ranger gun in my hand.

You weren't hard to look after. I always knew where you were, dogging my footsteps. Soon as you learned to walk you were on the case. If it hadn't been for that, you following me, you probably wouldn't have been in much trouble. You were one quiet, serious little kid. You had this innocent, studious expression ... you still get it sometimes. Mom had no trouble believing that whatever mess you got into was my fault. Maybe she still believes that. Could be she's still right.

Anyway, I got used to being tailed. It rattled me the first time I turned around and you weren't there. You were playing with Dad's Brownie camera and I couldn't figure it out, because you'd never seen me with a camera.At the time, I wasn't real thrilled that you were picking up ideas from God knows where. A guy gets a little nervous when all of a sudden he's not throwing a shadow anymore.

I don't know how far from my side you would have traveled if Dad hadn't died. Could have been a long way, maybe farther than I could stand. I never had to find out, because lightening struck and you were mine again. You'd never had your heart broken before. Made you paranoid. I was the  only one who could get near you, and every time I touched you I felt a wild animal under my hands. It made me love you more intensely than I can describe.

You always hear about guys carrying a picture of their girl through the war, and sure, some of them did. But a lot of them carried other things. They had pictures of houses and cars and pets ... any damned thing that meant home to them. I had those kinds of pictures, even one of you, but mostly I had the kick under my hand and Dad telling me to take care of my little brother. I didn't think it would be good for you if someone else gave you the slip.

When I came home you looked in my eyes and knew I was back, but your heart didn't buy it. You'd given me up for dead the day I left for Vietnam. It was a long time after my service had ended that you tracked me down and cried in my arms. Your head was on my shoulder. I stroked sunshine and told you it was safe to believe in the resurrection. I promised I would never leave.

I never will leave. The women always will, for one reason or another. Some of them will leave because of me, and I won't apologize for that. You look at those women and they're angels as far as you can see ... but sometimes, little brother, you don't see people too clearly. I won't let you make that kind of mistake.

Took me a long time to get used to the idea that people were going to hurt you. Had to train myself to mind my own business in a fight. I spent years looking over my shoulder between punches, making sure you didn't need help, getting mad as hell every time anyone came near you. No one beat up my little brother. Not even me.

I've been out of my mind with fear for you, and it doesn't stop when the bullets stop flying. It doesn't stop when we walk out of the hospital, or when the doctor says you're resting comfortably and I pull up a chair beside your bed. It didn't stop on the night I was terrified enough to kiss you, and you were terrified enough to let me. I wasn't doing anything as complicated as thinking. I just wanted the taste of you and the feel of your skin. I guess I figured I'd calm down if I felt you around me. The experience wasn't exactly calm.

And I don't know what this is between us. I guess we're breaking rules, but I never cared for rules ... and no matter what you say, I know you can take or leave them.

All I really know is we've had a deal from the moment I felt that first kick. Wherever I go, you follow. Wherever you sleep, I watch over you. Doesn't seem so crazy that we'd wind up in the same bed.

Me and my shadow.

 

end

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Kit C.
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