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He could feel the ocean waves washing up over his feet and wished he could remember if he'd put on extra sun block before venturing out onto the beach behind his house. He wished he could remember the drive home. He wished he could see anything but the bright blue eyes, so much like his own, shining with unshed tears and that hint of pride that had only just arrived after far too long. But he couldn't. He was numb and didn't know what to do next, what exactly had happened, only that his heart was pained and in need of something. How did you cure a breaking heart? You couldn't put a salve on it, you couldn't stitch it up. No one knew when you were suffering from the pain, the debilitating pain that numbed your whole body and made the world pass you by without any active participation from you. You could just stop and let your body take over, let the mind be numb to everything to ignore the pain, to hide it deep within you until you found a way to cope, to deal, to escape. But until then, until the numbness had a chance to set in, all you felt was pain. A pain so deep that there seemed to be no end, nowhere to hide, and nowhere to run.
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Jesse was a little concerned when he'd been home for over an hour and Horatio had been out on the beach just staring out at the ocean. He'd had time to change into a polo and pair of shorts, shedding the white dress shirt and green tie he'd worn to work that day, start and finish dinner and get everything on the table. And Horatio hadn't moved once, not even to shift his weight. Jesse glanced out the sliding door again and noticed that his lover was sinking into the sand, the waves slowly pulling sand out from under him and returning it to burry him. With a small sigh he opened the door and went out onto the deck. "Hey H, dinner's ready."
Horatio gave no sign of noticing, didn't move or turn, which was definitely unusual. This was the first time Jesse had ever seen Horatio totally out of tune with his surroundings. The man was creepy at times, appearing and vanishing like a ghost, but he always gave an indication of knowing where he was, what was going on around him, and reacting to his environment. Jesse had a feeling he knew what was wrong, but didn't want to assume, and really didn't want to intrude on Horatio's thoughts, but he was worried that if he didn't get the red head in out of the sun, and out of that hole, he'd lose his lover to the ocean forever. And Jesse didn't know how he'd explain that one to Kyle when the younger man got home again. Jesse was sure that -I let your dad get washed out to sea when he was distracted' just wouldn't go over that well with Kyle. And he really knew that no one at the lab would be happy with him if Horatio just vanished. So he ventured down onto the beach, amused when he ended up being a good three inches taller than his lover. "Hey, Horatio," he said softly, putting his hands on his lover's shoulders, "why don't you come inside for a while?"
"When did you get home, Jesse?"
"Over an hour ago," Jesse replied. "I've even got dinner ready and waiting on the table, if you're hungry."
"Not really," Horatio said. "I think I'll just stay out here for a while."
"Then at least move a little left or right, Horatio," Jesse said. "Because I'm getting worried that I'm going to have to dig you out of a very deep ditch here soon."
"What?"
"Look down, Horatio."
The red head looked down and frowned. "How long, how long have I been standing out here, Jesse?"
"I've been home for an hour and you were hour here when I came in," Jesse replied. "What time did you leave the bus depot?"
"I don't know," Horatio replied. "The bus left at three, but I don't remember much after it pulled out."
Jesse put an arm around Horatio's waist and pulled him in a little. "I won't give you empty words, H, but Kyle is your son, and he's a lot like you," he said. "And you, my love, have a way of staying alive. We can't be sure that nothing is going to happen to Kyle, that he'll be the same when he comes home, but he's right. He's doing something important, just like you do every day. There are days I think you're too much alike for his own good."
"I wish he'd talked it over with me first," Horatio said softly. "I can see how much he loves what he's doing, how important it is to him, but I hate that he felt he had to make such a decision on his own."
"Do you know why I think he did it?"
"Why?"
"Because he knew exactly what you would say. Kyle knows you well enough that he knew you'd support him no matter how much it hurt you. And I know you're hurting, Horatio. You're trying to go numb, but you shouldn't. You won't be able to do your job properly if you hide from your emotions." Jesse stepped in front of Horatio and pulled him out of the hole the waves had dug. Then he wrapped his arms around his lover and held him close. "I'm here, Horatio. Just let all the pain out and let me help you through his. Kyle will come home to you, he'll be fine. He's a smart kid with good and alert friends who know what they're doing. And he wouldn't break your heart like that. You guys just found each other and have way too much time to make up for. Don't hide away while he's gone. Live and have something to tell him about when he's back."
Horatio felt tears welling up in his eyes and hid his face against Jesse's neck. He wrapped his arms around his lover's waist and held on. Jesse pressed a kiss to the side of Horatio's head. "We've both got to be strong for Kyle, Horatio. It hurts so bad, you feel like your heart is breaking apart, but he's going to be going through so many bad things that every single good day is a gift for him. Remember his story about helping to rebuild the school? That's a memory he's going to treasure the rest of his life. This time isn't going to be as good for him, so we've got to be ready to help him remember that life is good. But for now, while he's traveling, you need to fall apart with someone you trust, you love, who knows what you're going through to help you back together again so you can be there for you son when he needs you. So we can both be there for him."
"How did you know, Jess?"
"Because I know you. You only space out when you're trying to get numb for some reason. It's normally after a bad day, a case where the victims need too much of your heart and you feel like you need to hide for a while to heal." Jesse started moving them towards the house. "And you always seem to forget that I know how to read you as well as I do. Never feel like you have to hide from me, H. I'm always going to be here for you, just like we'll always be there for Kyle. He's as good a kid as I could've hoped for of my own."
"I'm just so happy that he accepted you," Horatio said. "I don't know what I would've done if he didn't like me being with you."
"Oh, come on H; all anyone has to do is look at us and know that we're perfect for each other," Jesse said with a smile. He finally got Horatio into the house and into a chair. "Do you know what I love most about you?"
"I think I have a fair idea," Horatio smiled. "But I'm really not in the mood right now."
Jesse snorted. "Horatio Caine, I do believe you have a dirty mind," he said. He put his hand over his lover's heart. "This is what I love most about you. Your big heart, how you care for everyone who needs you, who has ever needed you. How you can take each victim into your heart and give them what they need to start healing. A small piece of yourself given so freely helps them more than anything the system could do, and you've always known that. I used to expect you to burn out, to run out of love, but then I realized that you never would. It's just how you are, and that's why I love you. That's why I took on Anna's case like I did, knowing that it would hurt me in the end, but I had to help her. I try to be like you as much as I can because I know that's what the victims need. But day in and day out, I don't know how you do it. I find myself retreating to protect myself so I don't get drained."
"I don't know how I do it," Horatio admitted. "Just like I don't know how you realized my heart is in about four pieces right now because I'm so worried about Kyle. I was thinking about taking tomorrow off and just writing in the journal I started when Kyle went over last time. I meant to give it to him when he was home this time and so much happened that I forgot."
"I think the lab can manage without you for a day," Jesse smiled. "That journal is going to mean more to Kyle than anything else when you give it to him. I think he'll get a big kick out of the news articles too."
Horatio smiled. "Thanks, Jesse. I was wondering how someone could heal a broken heart, and you've given me the answer."
"Oh yeah, how?"
"Love," Horatio said. "You said you cooked supper?"
"Yep, and then I think we could explore a few other things I love about you."
"Sounds good, but we can't let the food go to waste," Horatio smiled. "I do love you, Jesse. I love you so much. Don't ever leave me."
"I won't H; I swear it." Jesse straddled Horatio's hips and leaned in for a kiss. Horatio moaned a little and opened to his lover's tongue, letting Jesse have and keep control of the kiss. "Because of you, I'm extra careful in the field," Jesse whispered a few minutes later. "Because I will always come home to you."
"Good," Horatio said pulling Jesse in for another kiss.
And, in spite of their best intentions, the food got cold on the table.