Work Text:
Purify
by Lilithangel
Afterwards he remembered the smouldering ache in his hands when he held the cross in the fight with Angel, remembered the smell of his flesh burning and the feeling of complete rightness in finally beating Angel. For one brief moment purifying him of all the fears Pavayne had raised in him again. Then it was gone.
Normal fighting came close, the feel of his flesh bending under a fist or boot, the smell of his own blood drawn from blade or claw but the purity wasn’t there. Memories of imposing buildings with shattered light and men warning of dire consequences should you stray from the path of righteousness told him there was no purity there. He had strayed so far he knew he would never be granted that light again, the touch of a cross reminding him if he ever forgot.
Not that he could ever forget with Angel around to remind him. Every failing laid bare, every wrongdoing verbally flayed with all the skill of a scornful minister who even knew of the sins not yet committed when they thundered from a pulpit.
Pain was fleeting and his flesh healed without scars but for those brief moments he got that purity back. Dru had taught him the pleasure/pain of holy water how much to apply to heighten the senses and how much more it would take to reach agony.
A drop for every harsh word, every sign that once again he was not valued and not wanted. Drips down a chest nobody saw anymore, extra pain on the soft skin on his stomach.
No further in case he couldn’t fight, the one thing he was still regarded as useful for. Away from hands and arms that might be seen and questioned although he doubted any but Fred would think of his injuries.
He hated/needed Angel, his last link to what he had been who should/wouldn’t be his guide through the aching horror of the soul instead of leaving him to struggle condemning his efforts rather than comforting. Other voices had told him he wasn’t worth comfort and most of the time he ignored them.
Angel was harder to ignore. They pushed and pushed at each other only easing the pressure for the brief moments that only served to make the normality all too stark.
Pain was honest; pain was real when he didn’t know the difference and pain stopped him from flying apart when it all got too much. Controlling his blood intake controlled his healing and kept the pain there for longer.
“What the hell is wrong with you today Spike?” Angel demanded as they fought back to back against a group of demons investing the offices of a client who’d thought they would tip the balance in a building dispute not take up residence and eat everyone. “If you’re going to be drunk all the time you’re no use to me at all.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Spike said, “if you would move your fat arse a bit faster there wouldn’t be a problem.”
“Shut up Spike and try to earn your keep,” Angel said as he swung his sword to decapitate another demon.
“That would imply you actually pay me,” Spike said, copying his actions with a small wince at full stretch.
After the fight Angel watched Spike walk away and frowned. He couldn’t afford for Spike to be a liability in his plans. He would have to do something about it.
A drop for every failure, for every human lost. Where no forgiveness could be given he wouldn’t ask. Where absolution comes with each drip and he can forget his own hunger and guilt by tracing their names on his ever healing flesh. He was getting a bit reckless now but he could feel things spiralling out of control and this was the only thing that was his. The events with Dana and his hands left him unable to purify for too long and then they lost Fred the only one he would have called friend.
A pounding on his door interrupted his contemplation and he realised Angel was on the other side. Normally he’d know when the other vampire was near but his concentration was off. He pulled on a tee shirt, careful not to scrape it across the burns and sealed the dropper bottle.
“Keep it down,” he grumbled as he opened the door, “you’ll upset the neighbours.”
Angel cast a disparaging look down the dilapidated hallway and pushed past Spike to enter.
“There’s something going on with you and I need to know what it is,” he said without preamble, “I can’t afford any liabilities.”
“Thank you so much for your concern,” Spike said, sarcasm dripping, “but there’s nothing wrong with me expect you.”
“You’re being too careful in fights,” Angel said ignoring him.
“Well excuse me for exercising a bit of caution,” Spike replied.
“You’re never careful,” Angel said, “no matter what I did I could never train that out of you, so something else is wrong.”
“Well your reward system left a lot to be desired if you thought you were training me,” Spike said and Angel blinked.
“What was I doing if I wasn’t training?” he said.
“Seemed too much like punishment and posturing from my end.” Spike went to the small fridge and grabbed a beer.
“You’re doing it again,” Angel said with a frown, “deflecting me and favouring your side. I don’t like it.”
“Well stop perving at me and you won’t have to be offended,” Spike said irritably.
“I’m not perving,” Angel said heatedly and Spike smirked briefly. “You’re hiding something from me and I’m going to find out what it is,” he added grabbing Spike’s arm.
Spike shook him off and winced. Angel grabbed him by the hem of his tee shirt pulling the cloth off unhealed burns.
“Bloody hell,” Spike swore trying to twist free and only succeeding in pulling off more skin.
Angel smelt blood and dragged the tee shirt up around Spike’s neck. “What the hell happened?” he demanded ignoring Spike’s yelp of pain.
“Nothing,” Spike said, “got into a fight is all.”
“That’s not a fight,” Angel said, “if I didn’t know better I’d say Drusilla had been visiting.”
Spike succeeded in breaking away from Angel and pulled his shirt down. “Nobody’s been visiting except your unwelcome presence. It was just a fight so leave it. None of your business anyway.”
“It is my business,” Angel said, “Anything that risks the team is my business.”
“There is no team,” Spike said with a snarl, “just a bunch of damaged humans who didn’t know what they had gotten into, a god who hollowed out an innocent girl and us. Get out Angel, go back to your ivory tower and your games, I’ll be in to annoy you as per usual tomorrow,” he added wearily.
Angel turned to the door and then stopped. “Why are you doing this to yourself?” he said tightly.
“I’m not…” Spike stopped when he saw the bottle in Angel’s hand.
“I taught Drusilla, remember? And she taught you, but I’m guessing this isn’t a sex game.”
“It’s nothing you have to concern yourself with,” Spike tried again to deny Angel but he knew it was a weak attempt.
“Tell me?” Angel said and it was a question rather than an order weakening Spike’s resolve.
“Drusilla and you, hell even Buffy, you twisted what I needed. I learned to like a bit of pain learned to associate it with pleasure.” Spike held his hand up to stop the protest forming on Angel’s lips.
“Don’t deny it, Darla taught you well and you taught us all. Slayer could take a lot more than a human and she liked a bit of rough too. Being a ghost, not being able to touch that was hard could only feel myself and that wasn’t enough.” Spike grinned weakly at the joke. “When I got my body back there was only Harmony available and that didn’t go well with the whole possession thing. Fighting with you made me feel something.”
Spike swallowed another mouthful of beer and didn’t bother to hide the wince as more skin pulled.
“This is more than just feeling,” Angel said. He put the holy water down and moved over to the fridge to grab a beer.
“The soul hurts and I can feel hell tugging at me. That holds me in place,” Spike said gesturing to the holy water. “Nobody told me how much the soul would burn. I don’t remember it burning when I was human.”
“That’s because it didn’t,” Angel said. “Why didn’t you come to me?” he shrugged at Spike’s scathing look. “I know we’ve not been friends but I’ve been through it I could have helped.”
“But would you have?” Spike’s fingers were absently brushing over one of the burns.
“I don’t know,” Angel said honestly. His hand darted out and caught Spike’s halting the movement. “I will now though. If you want me to.”
“Why?” Spike looked at his hand in surprise, unaware of his own actions.
“Because I want to, because I wish someone had been there for me, because you shouldn’t be hurting yourself like this.” Angel kept his hand around Spike’s wrist.
“Why, ‘cause you’d rather be doing the hurting?” Spike pushed.
The shudder that ran through Angel’s frame would have gone unnoticed by any but Spike and he stiffened.
“You’re right about us twisting you,” Angel said, “you look almost angelic when you’re in pain but I remember how you look in pleasure too and this me likes that better.” His thumb caressed the soft skin on Spike’s wrist and it was Spike who shuddered. “You became quite the sensualist with us I always liked that even if I didn’t always show it.”
“You showed it,” Spike said, “missed that when you left us almost as much as pissing you off.”
“The demon liked your pain,” Angel said, “but I think I’d rather have your pleasure.” Angel brought Spike’s hand up and kissed the spot his thumb had been caressing.
Spike watched poised in suspicion as Angel tugged him closer to kiss along his arm and over his shoulder. Carefully Angel peeled the tee shirt over Spike’s head and this time Spike didn’t stop him. Angel knelt in front of Spike his breath ghosting over the wounds left by the holy water.
Slowly Spike’s body relaxed as Angel failed to take advantage of his weakness and cause him more pain. Then he stiffened again when Angel unzipped his jeans, pulled them down and licked a stripe over his rapidly gaining interest cock.
Angel looked up and met his startled gaze. Whatever was in his eyes was encouragement for Angel to lick again. Spike couldn’t stifle the moan when Angel sucked the head of his cock tongue pressing on the underside. Angel smiled and took more of Spike’s cock into his mouth. His thumbs brushed over some of the wounds on Spike’s stomach and this time it sent a jolt of pleasure down Spike’s spine instead of the pain he’d been seeking.
It had been a long time since anything but his right hand had been near his cock so it was over embarrassingly quickly. Angel swallowed without complaint and licked him clean before tucking him away and standing up.
Angel rested his forehead against Spike’s, “I don’t want you hurting yourself anymore,” he said softly.
“A blow job’s not going to fix it,” Spike said, desperate to regain his equilibrium.
“No, it’s going to take more than that. Starting with you coming home with me where I can keep an eye on you.”
“I’m not a child you have to look after.”
“Then don’t act like one.”
“God you’re an utter tit.”
“And you’re a brat. Are you coming?”
“Let me get my coat, you’ve got cable right?”
Pain keeps the brain from going down bad paths but love keeps the soul from dying.
END