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~~~~~~~~~
The cool bite of autumn air blew in the open window, hitting Dean's arm and face, creating rows and rows of goosebumps over Dean's exposed flesh. The scent of the world changing, of new beginnings on the horizon filled his nostrils. He cut a glance into the backseat, where his brother lay curled up sleeping. Dean's beautiful moss coloured eyes then turned to his angel who was absently searching through Dean's box of cassettes.
The angel would pick up a tape, attempt to read the band and album names (a virtually impossible task, wear and age had rubbed most of the labels away), set it back down and repeat the process.
The hunter smiled to himself at how normal the scene was. To any onlooker it was three men, perhaps brothers, perhaps merely friends, on a roadtrip in a classic car, getting away from the worries of the world and just being. No one would suspect the three were the Champion of the Heavens, an Angel of the Lord, and the chosen vessel for Lucifer himself. It was so surreal Dean had to laugh.
Next to him, the angel- his angel, stopped his methodical perusal of Dean's musical collection and turned to his hunter, a smile playing at his lips conjured by the mirth in Dean's expression. "What is so amusing?"
Dean took a breath and calmed down, "Nothing, Cas. Just us- this," his hand flopped at the world in general, "it's ridiculous, that's all."
Castiel's brow furrowed, "The Apocalypse is not ridiculous Dean. You of all should know that."
Chuckling, "No, Cas, the Apocalypse is not ridiculous. The idea of an Angel of the Lord, Lucifer's vessel, and Michael's vessel riding around in a ‘67 Impala trying to stop it, is." Dean shook his head at the pure absurdity of the situation.
The silence from the passenger seat worried Dean, he knew sometimes Cas took Dean's humour to heart, trying to reconcile the hunter's words with his actions or his own understandings.
Hoping to derail his angel's train of thought, Dean asked, "Find anything interesting?" pointing at the box of cassettes.
"I am curious about this one," Castiel idly fingered a black cassette with fragmented and smudged grey lettering.
Dean leaned toward his angel, attempting to identify what had caught Cas' interest. Unfortunately, he wasn't having much success between the road conditions and the movement of Castiel's nimble fingers playing over the tape.
Giving up, Dean told Cas, "Well, pop it in. One of my tapes, so it can't be too awful," he joked as Cas did as he was asked, pushing the small plastic box into the player in the dashboard.
As the tape began to play, softly at first, then rising in a smooth crescendo, Dean smiled. "BÖC, man. Nice choice, Cas. Real nice."
Beside the hunter, Castiel smiled silently, pleased his choice had been correct. He had sought through the box judging the wear and age of each cassette, and this one, this ‘BÖC' Dean called it, showed the most wear and the most recent attention- the metal of the small black screws on one corner had been scratched, the fresh markings in a clockwise motion indicating the outer case had recently been tightened. Judging by Dean's reaction, he truly had chosen well.
For the better part of an hour, the deep tendrils of ‘old school' rock pumped through the Impala, wrapping a sleeping Sam in it's familiarity, tickling Dean with it's freedom and matching the rumbling heartbeat of the open road, while Castiel simply basked in the serenity it brought both Sam and his hunter.
Cas was quite content watching the man beside him as the tension ebbed slowly from him.
In the background, the music began to fade signalling a change in track. Five strong base notes, four long, one short introduced the next song. A sixth long note followed coinciding with the start of a four four drum line; the base following on every fourth count.
As the second set of the rift began, Dean violently yanked the knob turning off the stereo, ejected the tape and tossed it into the backseat- ricocheting off Sam's forehead in the process.
Dean's intense green eyes darted to his angel knowing (hoping) Cas didn't understand his violent outburst.
The angel's face was blank, stoic with his hard lines; and virtually impossible to read. But this wasn't just any angel, this was his angel and by now he could read a little of Cas' non-expression expressions. This one, Dean was fairly certain, fell between the embarrassed/awkward ‘never had the opportunity' sex talk (and really, should that make certain bits start to stand up and take notice, just because it implied that angels can have sex and with all that power and intensity Dean was willing to bet it would be a night to remember) and his ‘I can't listen to you because Zach will send me back to Bible Camp' look. Which pretty much put Cas at the ‘I think I messed up, but I don't know how, so I'll just wait for my punishment' face and that just made Dean want to rip the wings off Zach and who ever else made his angel feel that small.
Trying to offer Cas a reassuring smile, "Sorry, Cas. I , umm," Dean actually looked sheepish, "I, kinda have a problem with that song." He laughed sadly, "You believe, I forgot it was on that album."
"Dude, anger management," Sam mumbled groggily, rubbing his forehead and rearranging his long limbs across the seat.
"Bitch," Den replied automatically.
Something that may have been , "Jerk," came from the sprawled figure, followed by a loud snore.
Dean smiled, Sammy may have fucked up royally, but he was still his baby brother. He looked over at his angel and his smile brightened further. "Go ahead, pick another. Promise I won't freak or attack Sammy with it."
Despite his feelings, Castiel returned dean's smile, the mortal's happiness was infectious to the angel. Carefully, Castiel picked up the box of cassettes and once again began examining them for something that would please his hunter.
********
"Hey Cas, what're you doing?"
The angel started, banging his head soundly against the roof of the Impala.
An amused smile played at Sam's lips over being able to surprise the angel.
Castiel pulled himself out of the backseat of the car, rubbing his head where he'd smacked it, and somehow still managing to look every bit his aloof angelic-self. "I was attempting t locate the cassette Dean discarded last night."
San chuckled, "The one he beamed me with?"
Castiel looked away and down, the way he so often did when Dean asked him an unnerving question, "Yes, it would be." He looked up at the younger Winchester, "I'm sorry for that," he added guiltily.
Laughing harder, Sam slapped Cas on the back, "Dude, it's not your fault Dean can be a total chick sometimes."
Tilting his head questioningly, "Then why did he react that way?"
"I don't know, Cas. Wish I did, but it's Dean." Sammy edged past Castiel to half climb into the backseat.
After a few minutes of gum wrappers and tossed aside plastic wrap, Sam pulled what appeared to be a small black cassette tape out from under the driver's seat. "This what you're looking for?"
A surprising smile exploded over the angel's face, "Yes, I believe so. Thank you, Sam."
"Hold up," the hunter intoned, pulling the cassette just out of the angel's reach. "I don't know what upset Dean so much, but you, more than anyone, know what Dean's been through. Sometimes, I kinda hate you for that, you know, but you get him and you bring something out in him that I've only ever seen aimed at me, Dad, and Bobby.
"Whatever it is that got that reaction out of him, it's in deep. Be careful with him. He's all I got."
Gingerly Castiel wrapped his thin fingers around the cassette, his deep sapphire eyes bore into the tall young man, and with a force generally reserved for Dean, though lacking much of the tenderness, "I could never cause Dean anymore pain, so long as I am able."
The words spoken with enough intensity and promise calmed Sam's concerns. With a silent nod he relinquished the tape to Castiel.
"Thank you, and Sam, don't forget Dean's pie," he said before disappearing in a soft flutter of wings.
Shaking his head in amusement, Sam finished the short walk to the diner on the far side of the motel.
***
Sam was on his way back to their room, the spoils of his foraging hanging in two large plastic bags from one arm and a cardboard tray with drinks clutched in the other. His eyebrow quirked up upon seeing the houselight on in the Impala and his brother's ass wriggling about inside. He couldn't resist the urge to sneak up to the car before informing Dean loudly that, "If you're looking for your virginity that's where you lost it, not where you're gonna find it."
"Very funny, Sasquatch," Dean answered, unphased by his brother's intrusion. "Trying to find the tape I tossed back here last night." Dean backed out of the car, "You didn't notice where it went after it bounced off your thick skull?"
"Sorry man, you're on your own." Sam started to walk on to their room, when a thought struck him, "Dean?"
The elder Winchester grunted in response as he climbed back into the car to continue his search.
"What's with that tape anyway?"
Dean manoeuvred himself so he could sit up and look at his brother. "Cultasaurus Erectus, b-side, track three," he said as if that explained everything.
"Uh-huh." Still mystified, Sam shook his head and took the food inside.
He was still puzzling out what Dean meant as he laid their dinners out on the small table. Double cheeseburger, extra fries, double thick milkshake, and the largest slice of apple pie Sam's puppy face could sweet-talk out of the waitress for Dean. A salad, grilled chicken sandwich, and a shake for himself. He tossed the bags and booted up his laptop; he wasn't research-boy for nothing, and this should be fairly easy. So, while Dean was searching for a cassette that San knew wasn't there, he searched the words ‘Cultasaurus Erectus' and ‘track list'. Within a couple logical clicks Sam had found what he was looking for. He stared at the screen, eyebrows climbing up his forehead, a short clipped, "Oh," hung from his lips.
~~~
Still searching the car, Dean was startled by the low rumble of his angel's voice.
"Hello, Dean."
The hunter threw himself backwards against the backseat of the Impala, one hand gripping the top of the bench seat, the other pressed against his chest. "Don't do that," he hissed, more bravado than honest annoyance.
"Forgive me," Castiel lowered his head slightly, then raised his eyes to the hunter's once again. "I believe this," he held out the cassette, "is what you're looking for."
Dean snatched the tape from his angel's outstretched hand, "Yeah, thanks," his brow crinkled as he tried to make out where the ribbon was wound in the cassette.
Castiel stood patiently by the open car door. "Is that how you see me?" he asked, genuinely curious.
Dean's head jerked up, fast enough to give a person whiplash, the green fire in his hazel eyes crackling with some unreadable intensity.
Before Dean could answer, Castiel ask more specifically, "You believe I am ‘fallen'?"
"What?!?" Dean demanded.
The angel cocked his head like a curious puppy and began reciting the first lines on the song, "From the dust I rose on high, a thundercloud in a two lane sky. From the world I did rebel, a fallen angel."
With a hint of sadness, Dean smiled at Castiel, rebel angel- his rebel angel, he had rebelled for him. Sometimes that concept still amazed him. "No, not that part."
Castiel's head remained tilted, his expression and eerie mimic of the first time he and Dean had met; when Castiel had realized his charge thought himself unworthy of saving. "If you do not believe I've fallen, then why were you so determined to prevent my hearing it?"
Dean cast his eyes skyward, wondering if there was any way to save this situation. "Cas..." there was a rare edge to his voice, almost as if he was begging.
The angel's eyes sparkled, his head straightening a bit. "What are you so afraid of?"
The simple question seemed to push Dean over the edge, "Cas! Please, stop." Dean pushed his way out of the car. "Just forget about it will you. It never happened."
"But Dean," the angel watched in confusion as his hunter walked away.
*********
"Dean!?" Sam snapped at his older brother.
"What?!" he growled back.
Exasperation colouring his every word, "How much longer are you gonna keep this up?"
"Keep what up, Sammy?"
"This thing between you and Cas."
"What thing?" Dean was getting very tired, very quickly of his brother's seeming obsession with him and his angel. "There is no thing between us."
"Uh-huh, that's why you had your little freak out over that tape and why we haven't heard anything from Cas since you came storming in almost a week ago"
"Drop it, Sammy." Dean had spent decades ignoring various pink elephants in his midst, and he wasn't gonna let his annoying baby brother make him acknowledge this one.
"Dean it's not going to go away."
"Damn-it, Sammy." Dean slammed his palm against the steering wheel- an act that exhibited Dean's frustration more than his words. "What do you want me to say?"
"How about you start with why you won't just tell him how you feel?"
Dean spared a sidelong glance at his brother and the damn elephant in his lap. "And how exactly do you think I feel?"
"Dude, it's obvious. You're the one acting like there's a problem- Probably why Cas hasn't been around; you and your denial probably have him so confused he doesn't know left from right." Sam shook his head and stared out the passenger side window, muttering, "Personally, I think you're both idiots."
Dean could hear the non-existent elephant trumpeting in accomplishment.
They drove a few minutes with only the humming purr of the Impala's engine breaking the silence. Dean eased the car down an exit ramp and into a likely looking motel for them to spend the night. Taking a deep breath, Dean broke the silence, "Fine Sam, you win. Still doesn't tell me what I'm supposed to do. He's a freakin' angel! Not to mention the whole he being a he."
"Dean, he's an angel, I doubt the packaging matters too much to Cas."
Dean rolled his eyes at his brother, even though subconsciously he knew Sammy was right.
"Dude, call him up, have him angel himself in, I'll make myself scarce, and just tell him. You both need it. Hell, man, you both deserve it."
Fingers squeezed almost white-knuckle tight around the steering wheel. He didn't know if he could do this; Dean Winchester was a master of seduction, a king of one-night stands. How was he supposed to tell someone how he felt, truly felt? He wasn't sure he was even capable of it.
Sam gripped Dean's shoulder reassuringly. "Just call him, I'll get us checked in." Self-satisfied smile firmly in place, Sam went to procure their rooms.
Dean sat in the car staring at his phone, half wishing it would turn into something nasty that he could easily kill, but of course it didn't. Growing steadily more annoyed with himself, Dean grabbed the offending device, growling to himself, "Come on Dean, stop being such a pussy and grow a pair," as he punched in the speed dial code for Cas.
The phone seemed to ring forever before the angel answered it.
"Dean?" he questioned, his chest tightening, heart sputtering, and stomach flip-flopping like a floundering fish- not at all the reactions of a cold, stoic Angel of the Lord, but Cas was realizing he was somewhat more than that now.
With one word in Cas' terse, yet warming voice all Dean's fears began to melt away.
"Cas," he breathed, trying not to sound overly excited like some grade school kid on his first date. Clearing his throat, "Can you get here?"
"Of course, Dean. Where are you?"
Dean looked around for the name of the motel and any other signs of their whereabouts. "About twenty-five miles outside Minneapolis, place called The Rainy Day Inn, uh, "Sammy's checking us in so I don't have a room number yet."
Dean could hear the smile in his angel's voice as Cas assured him, "That is sufficient. I'll be there shortly."
As soon as he'd hung up Sam appeared, climbing into the front seat, dangling a key in Dean's face. "Room twenty-seven for you and eleven for me." Sam smiled mischievously. "I don't want to hear about it," Sam cut in before Dean could argue, "and I don't want to hear it!"
"Bitch," Dean snarked playfully, snatching the proffered key and sparing a shoulder shove for his brother.
"Jerk," Sam matched his reply. "Gimme the keys so I can get my duffle."
***
Dean stood with his back pressed against the window of his baby, waiting. He knew he wouldn't be waiting long; Cas would be here any second and then things would get really awkward.
A moment later the air rustled and that wonderful voice greeted Dean.
"Dean."
"Hey Cas," he fumbled his hands in his pockets.
The angel looked around curiously, "Where's Sam?"
"He got his own room tonight."
"Oh," Castiel lowered his head as if he was being chastised for some heinous angelic crime.
"No, Cas, man it's not anything... fuck." Dean threw his head back against the car. "You asked me what I was afraid of," forcing the words out, Dean was never one for sharing his feelings. He took a deep breath then softly began speaking, quoting what was for him the most painful verse of that song, "A girl so strange I lost my head. Lost it all, got left for dead. I curse the day, now I'm just a shell." His sparkling green eyes met Cas' fathomless blue ones. "Like you said Cas, you rebelled for me. You lost everything and I let you down."
Castiel continued to stare intently at his hunter, "Regret. You believe I regret choosing to follow you." He stepped closer to Dean, mentally berating himself for the words he'd spoken in Bobby's hospital room. As true as they were he should have known the effect they would have on Dean. He had to make this right, even if it exposed his true feelings. "There's something more. It's..." Castiel thought himself a fool for even considering the notion; it was too ridiculous, but he need to fix things between himself and Dean. Bracing himself for ridicule, "You and I. You see both of us in those words
Still leaning against his precious car, Dean visibly stiffened. A slight change in posture and energy that would have been overlooked by anyone who didn't know his movements intimately- of course Castiel noticed, the change in his hunter screamed at him.
Once again, Castiel invaded Dean's personal space, this time running a hand tenderly down the mortal's face, "I will never regret following you. I will follow you through the darkness and the Pits of Hell. And I will never regret it."
Dean let his eyes drift closed and leaned into the angel's touch. Without thinking he kissed Castiel's palm, "Come on, let's get inside." Assuming his angel would follow, Dean pushed off the Impala and headed for their room.
Safely behind closed doors, Dean tried to force himself to relax. Throwing his duffle onto the large double bed that seemed to encompass most of the room. Still as a statue, Dean stood facing the bed, his deep measured breaths the only thing giving his anxiety away. "Sammy thinks I should just tell you."
"Tell me what?" Castiel asked hoping his interpretation of Dean's emotions and attitude were correct.
The hunter huffed out a breath and began studying the dimples and divots of the cheap stucco ceiling. "Tell you why. Tell you it's the worst and basest parts of me and the simplest trust and faith that is you." Dean gulped loudly, still unable to tear his eyes from the ceiling.
Silently, Castiel came up behind Dean, the heat from his chest radiating over Dean's back.
The two men still weren't touching, but Dean could feel his angel's lips as they moved next to his ear. "I love you, Dean Winchester, like no man nor angel has ever known before." Cautiously, Castiel moved closer, closing the fraction of a gap between their bodies, before he continued, "This cannot be falling. I have never felt closer to Heaven,"
A rustle of air, the kind Dean associated with his angel's comings and goings flittered through the air along waves of electricity and power. He felt Castiel's arms wrap around him followed by the feathery touch of his wings doing the same. Fighting the desire to run his fingers through Cas' feathers, Dean turned in his angel's arms to see if his spoken emotions were mirrored in his face.
Closing his eyes against the love he saw, "What if I'm the one who has fallen; I'm only your temptation?"
A warm unfamiliar chuckle rose from Castiel's throat. "I have seen true evil. I have heard the words of my fallen brethren. I have felt the tainted touch of those who could not resist. In those sights, I saw the incomparable pain and images of betrayal. In those words, I heard twisted truths, and in their touch, I felt the pain of crushed belief. In you, I see hope, I hear faith, and I feel love. I know the fallen and they are nothing like you. If this is my temptation then I gladly relinquish myself to it."
Dean rounded on his angel, "How can you be so sure?"
Castiel merely smiled, a true and free smile, one he reserved for Dean and Dean alone. He calmly took Dean's face in his hands, "You are so convinced that you will be my downfall that I know you can never be." He pressed his lips against Dean's, love and faith pouring between them, churning the emotions built up over days, months, millennia- eternity.