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From Jen's personal medical dictionary: *Chronic Evil Sheba-itis* - (noun) 1. the inability to stop picking on Sheba 2. the insatiable desire to place Sheba in upsetting and humiliating situations 3. the need to inflict pain and trauma on Sheba 4. an overwhelming urge to see Sheba jettisoned out of an airlock
I understand there has been an epidemic. There is no cure. This ailment must be allowed to run its course much like one would with the common cold.
Title: Green With Envy
Author: Jen lmr
Date: April 2001
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica
Rating: NC-17
Category: Slash
Pairing: Starbuck/Apollo
Feedback: jennylmr@yahoo.com
Summary: Response to Mom's story dare.
The Dare: Write a story using all of the following items.
RAW EGGS
BLUE THREAD
SANDPAPER
POLYGRIP
Chapter One - Raw Eggs
Lieutenant Sheba rushed to catch up with Captain Apollo as he left the command staff meeting. She had made a special point to be close by the meeting room so that she would finally have the opportunity of being able to find him without that pesky Lieutenant Starbuck around.
Two secton's ago had she decided that it was time for her to stop waiting around for him to finally ask her out and take the initiative herself. Her plan was to invite him out for dinner with her at one of the private dining chambers aboard the Rising Star. She would then make it more than obvious that she was interested was in him on a romantic level, a *very* romantic level.
The problem was that she could never seem to find him without Starbuck at his side. If she didn't know better she'd swear that little strumpet was deliberately trying to keep them apart. Even when she shot the irritating blond pointed looks indicating that his presence was unwelcome he simply ignored her and continued to monopolize the Captain's attention.
Unfortunately, while she was waiting in the corridor, the ship's resident idiot, Reece, had seen her standing there. He came over to her and had begun making a clumsy attempt at starting up a conversation. When she saw Apollo leaving the meeting she had had to practically shove the buffoon out of the way to reach her goal.
She had almost caught up with the delectable Captain as he rounded a corner. When she turned the corner he had disappeared. Glancing around in confusion she heard a noise. Puzzled she went to investigate the dark alcove that the sound had come from.
Peeking around the corner, wary of danger just as any true warrior should be, she was horrified at what she saw. Apollo was there, Starbuck was with him and he was *kissing* him!
Sheba gasped loudly at the sight. Starbuck glanced up at the sound, met her eyes and actually *smirked* at her! With a low growl of fury, she stormed away. She could swear she heard 'Starbuck the Strumpet' laughing.
Entering her quarters she stomped about angrily. 'If that degenerate thinks he's going to get away with this he is sadly mistaken!' she silently vowed.
Late that night she crept through the dark corridors of the ship until she reached the door to Starbuck's quarters. She reached into the bag she had been carrying and pelted his door with twelve raw eggs. With a satisfied grin she surveyed the gooey mess. 'By morning that should be nice and hardened. It will take him half the day tomorrow to clean it up. Not only that, but while he's busy scrubbing I'll finally get the chance to talk to Apollo alone. Nothing like killing two 'birds' with one stone.' Sheba chuckled at her own pun and headed back to her quarters.
*****
The next day when Sheba returned from her patrol she whistled a happy tune as she headed to Apollo's quarters. When she arrived she was surprised when no one answered the door chime. Figuring he must have stopped at the OC for a drink, she decided to catch him there. 'Probably just as well. The last thing I need is to have to make nice with Boxey,' she inwardly shrugged.
Reaching the OC, she entered and looked around the room expectantly. Upon seeing no sign of Apollo, she went over to the table where Boomer and Jolly were sitting. When she approached, they looked up at her with something she thought bordered on hostility.
Figuring they must have had a miserable patrol, she asked brightly, "Have either of you seen Apollo?"
Boomer simply snorted rudely.
"Yeah. Tall guy, dark hair, green eyes? I've seen him," Jolly replied.
Sheba shot him an annoyed look, wondering if he was being deliberately obtuse. "Yes. Do you know where he is?"
"Yep."
Rolling her eyes in irritation, she snapped, "Can you tell me where he is?"
"Yep."
"Where is he?" Sheba ground out.
"With Starbuck." Boomer replied this time.
"Why would he be with Starbuck?" she asked.
"Why wouldn't he be with Starbuck?" Jolly asked her innocently.
"Why indeed." Sheba made a distinctly unladylike sound and left the OC.
*****
At the door to Starbuck's quarters, Sheba wasn't surprised to see two men bent over diligently scrubbing a mess off of the door. What surprised her was that the two men were *not* Starbuck and Apollo.
"What are you two doing?" she all but demanded.
One of the ensigns looked up at her. "Cleaning Starbuck's door for him. Some lunatic obviously must have thrown raw eggs on it last night."
"Then why are you cleaning it?" Sheba tried to hide her irritation.
The other ensign spoke up. "We both owed him a favor. Besides, Starbuck's a really great guy. I can't imagine who would want to do anything like this to him. It would hardly be fair for him to have to clean it up."
"Yeah. A great guy..." Sheba walked away muttering.
*****
Chapter Two - Blue Thread
After spending the previous night with his new lover, Starbuck had arrived back at his quarters early in the morning and discovered the mess all over his door. Gingerly punching the entry code into the crusted keypad he went inside and commed Apollo.
They both knew perfectly well who was responsible for the mess. Up until now Apollo had been trying to gently let Sheba know that he wasn't interested in her. Now he was through being nice.
"Honestly, Starbuck! Is the woman blind? She must be the only one on the ship who doesn't know that I'm in love with you!" The Captain raved. "I'd been hoping she'd get discouraged and fixate on someone else but enough is enough!"
"'Pol? Did you just say that you're in love with me?" This was the first time Starbuck had ever heard him say it.
Apollo calmed down at the tone in his friend's voice and said sincerely, "Very much so."
"I love you too, 'Pol."
The dark-haired warrior chuckled. "I guess that wasn't the most romantic way of telling you. That woman just has me so upset."
"It's okay. I'm just so happy to hear you say it." Apollo could hear the happiness in his lover's voice and smiled, wishing he had said it sooner. He would have liked to be able to see the expression on Starbuck's face. His smile vanished when he thought again about what had gotten him so upset. "Starbuck, why don't you come back over after I take Boxey to learning period?"
"Sure. What have you got in mind? Hungry for more already, hmmmm?"
"That too, but I had something else in mind also. Nobody does something like this to the man I love and gets away with it."
"I'm glad I'm not in her shoes. See you soon." The Lieutenant ended the comm. He took a quick turbowash, put on a fresh uniform, and headed back to Apollo's quarters. Eyeing the mess on the door on his way out, he decided it could wait.
*****
Starbuck keyed in the code to Apollo's door and stepped inside. His lover looked up distractedly from where he was sitting at his desk and said, "Okay, so here's what I was thinking..."
The blond was one step ahead of him and before he could even finish the sentence he had pulled him out from behind the desk and gave him a blistering kiss. When they broke apart he told the dark-haired man, "First let me tell you what I was thinking. I want to hear you tell me again, preferably naked."
Apollo gave him a delightfully wicked grin and whispered seductively into his ear. "I love you. I love you. I love you."
Starbuck assaulted his lover's mouth once again and then pulled him along after him to the bedchamber. "Now let's try it naked." He began pulling at the Captain's clothes.
Several breathless moments later they were both naked and on the bed. Apollo flipped them both over and stared deep into his love's blue eyes. "I love you."
"I love you too. Yep, that was definitely better naked." The Lieutenant beamed at him before moving in to devour his love's mouth once again.
Apollo's hand drifted downward to capture the other man's cock as his mouth traveled down to suckle an erect nipple. He was rewarded with a gasp of pleasure. Slowly he trailed his tongue across the chest before him until he reached the other nipple and took it hungrily into his mouth.
Starbuck began moaning and undulating his hips, seeking more contact with his lover's body. Apollo responded by trailing his mouth further downward and tickling the blonde's bellybutton with his tongue.
"'Pol! Stop!"
Green eyes grinned up into blue mischievously before the tantalizing mouth moved to gently lick the straining erection before him. He teased the slit of his lover's penis mercilessly until Starbuck was screaming and begging. "Sagan! 'Pol! Pleeeeaaassseee! Pleasepleaseplease!"
Taking mercy on the pleading man, Apollo engulfed his entire member in the moist heat of his mouth. Sliding slowly up and down until the blond was almost in tears of need.
He held onto his lover's hips firmly to keep him from thrusting forward and choking him.
When he sensed that his love was close to coming he pulled away and reached for the lube.
"'Pol! No! For Sagan's sake! Don't stop!"
"Shssssh. I want to be in you. Turn over."
Starbuck frantically complied and soon felt a well-lubed finger slip inside of him. Within moments two more joined the first. Apollo twisted and scissored them, rapidly stretching his extremely aroused lover.
"Now, 'Pol! Now! Please now!"
By this point Apollo's cock was so hard that it ached painfully. The fingers were swiftly removed and replaced with his stiff member. He began pumping forcefully into the tight heat. Reaching around he grasped his lover's erection and began pumping in a matching rhythm.
After several centons he felt his partner's internal muscles gripping him tightly and then felt warm fluid bathe his hand. Moments later his own orgasm ripped through him. He collapsed on top of the blond murmuring words of love.
Eventually the sated lovers separated and rolled to face one another.
Starbuck grinned hugely. "I don't know what your plan was but I'm fairly certain that mine was better."
Apollo swatted at him playfully. "Okay, you got me. I still think you'll like my plan too though." He proceeded to tell his lover his plan.
Afterwards, Starbuck commed a couple friends of his who owed him a favor. When he told them what happened they cheerfully agreed to clean the door for him. Then Apollo commed Boomer and Jolly. They were both angry and disgusted at what Sheba had done and readily agreed to do what he had asked.
The two warriors then reluctantly began getting dressed and ready for their patrol.
"You know, Apollo. If I'd have been the one who lost you to her, I wouldn't have been too happy either."
"Ha! As if you'd ever lose me to anyone." The Captain walked over to where his Lieutenant was dressing and gave him a heated kiss. "Besides, the woman is just plain spiteful. If we don't take care of her now, who knows what she has in store for you next."
Starbuck shuddered at that. "Point taken."
*****
Feeling very disgusted after her unsuccessful search for Apollo, Sheba decided to go back to her quarters. She really could use a turbowash and a quick bite to eat. Afterwards, she would try to comm a few places where he might be likely to go and hope luck was on her side.
Upon opening her door and walking in she didn't see the blue thread stretched across the entryway. She tripped and went sprawling to the floor. She also didn't see the intricate maze of the other blue threads that were connected to the one she had tripped over.
The threads all broke loose causing a large, thin plastic bag of boray manure to fall from where it had been suspended from the ceiling. The bag broke when it landed on top of her, causing the runny manure to splatter everywhere. The threads as well as Sheba were unrecognizable amidst all of the filth.
By the next afternoon she was a laughing stock throughout the entire ship. The rumor that was circulating amongst the warriors was that she had procured the manure in order to play a dirty trick on Starbuck. Between the rumor and the lingering smell of the manure, Sheba was being avoided like the plague.
*****
Chapter Three - Sandpaper
Sheba found that having people avoid you had its advantages. Like now, for instance, as she strode down the suddenly vacant corridor. Nobody was around to see her slip into the passageway that led to the celestial dome.
She couldn't prove anything but she just knew that Starbuck was responsible for the manure fiasco in her quarters. She still couldn't get the smell out! A certain blond Lieutenant was going to be sorry he ever messed with her!
Earlier she had sent a faked message to him from Apollo. The note said that the Captain wanted to meet him here at 1930. Starbuck would eventually get tired of waiting when the other man didn't show up. When he descended the ladder he would be in for a nasty surprise.
Taking out some industrial strength sandpaper she carefully sanded down the non-skid ridges on the rungs of the ladder. After she was finished, she took out a flask of water that she had been carrying under her jacket and poured it all over the steps. Smiling to herself, she gathered her supplies and slipped back out into the main corridor. She hoped that son-of-a-daggit broke his neck!
*****
Starbuck had been waiting for Apollo in the celestial dome for almost a centar. He was disappointed that his lover hadn't shown up but figured something important must have kept him. Sighing, he decided that he'd waited long enough and got up to leave.
*****
Apollo had been looking all over for Starbuck. He was more than a little miffed that he couldn't find him. Since they had become lovers they spent almost all of their free time together and they both had the evening free tonight.
Just as he was walking past the corridor that led to the celestial dome he smelled something terrible. 'It smells like... Sheba?' he wondered to himself. Then the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He couldn't put his finger on it but something smelled funny, something other than Sheba.
Hurriedly he made his way to the celestial dome. He arrived at the bottom of the ladder just as Starbuck was descending. The next thing he knew his lover was falling towards him and they both toppled to the ground in an ungraceful sprawl.
"Sorry, 'Pol," Starbuck gasped as he struggled to get up. "I don't know what happened. I just lost my footing!"
"I'm just glad I was here to catch you! You could have broken your neck!" Apollo said as he sat up and began showering his lover's face with kisses.
"'Pol, do I smell manure?" the blond asked wrinkling his nose.
"I believe you do," Apollo said with a knowing look on his face.
Both men exchanged a look before wordlessly getting up and going over to check the ladder.
"That evil witch! I just know this was her doing!" Apollo stormed upon finding the condition of the ladder. "But how did she know you'd be up here? Why were you up here anyway?"
"I was waiting for you. Your message said to meet you here at 1930."
Green eyes narrowed. "I never sent you a message."
"Sheba!" Both men said at once.
"I knew she was spiteful but this is just plain insane! She could have killed you!" Apollo fumed.
"Maybe that was the point," Starbuck said wryly.
"She can't get away with this! I'm calling Security and having her arrested!"
"For what? We can't prove she did this."
"Well, something has to be done! We can't just let that crazy woman run loose around the ship!"
"Calm down, Apollo. I'm alright. Why don't we go back to your quarters? You can comfort me after my horrible ordeal and we can put our heads together." The blond gave his lover a smoldering look.
"You just don't know how upsetting the thought of you getting hurt makes me."
"I know. I know," Starbuck soothed. "Let me take your mind off of it." He leaned in and gave the other man a sensuous kiss.
"Mmmm. Okay. But the subject isn't closed," Apollo breathed huskily.
*****
Chapter Four - Polygrip
The sated lovers lay in Apollo's bed snuggled up in each others warmth after a very intense bout of lovemaking. Starbuck was feeling so languid that he was almost ready to drift off to sleep. "Do I have time for a nap before Boxey gets home?" he murmured drowsily.
"Sorry, but no. Athena will be bringing him home shortly so we better get up and get dressed."
Starbuck groaned and reluctantly got up. "This sneaking around is getting old."
Apollo looked thoughtfully at the man he loved for a long moment. "You're right. It is."
Blue eyes looked at him questioningly.
"I think its time we told everybody about our relationship. Starting tonight," Apollo said decisively.
"Really?"
"Yes. I think its past time. I'm not ashamed of loving you. Do you have a problem with letting everybody know how we feel about each other?"
"No. Absolutely not," Starbuck replied happily. "Lets do it."
"Besides, once everything is out in the open maybe Sheba will get over her obsession."
"I doubt it but I'm too happy right now to let any thoughts of her ruin it."
"I agree." Apollo took his lover in an embrace and kissed him soundly.
*****
Apollo and Starbuck were chagrined to find that Apollo's family and their friends already knew how the two men really felt about each other. The majority of people they knew all wished them well. Their were a few exceptions, however, most notably Sheba.
Sheba made her opinion of what she termed their 'disgusting and abnormal' relationship well known. She even went to Commander Adama and demanded that he put a stop to it.
"Not only is it a moral outrage for two men to be living together but look at your son's choice of a partner!" a red-faced Sheba said in a disgusted tone. "Why Starbuck is nothing but a low-life degenerate boray. He's the one who led your son astray!"
"I hardly think that Apollo has been led astray," the Commander replied evenly.
"How can you say that?!" Sheba demanded. "Are you blind?! That piece of human filth has perverted your son in the worst way!"
"My son is certainly not perverted," Adama told her firmly. Trying to keep his temper under control he continued. "My son is very happy. Starbuck is the one that is making him happy and I for one and happy for the both of them. I happen to respect and admire Lieutenant Starbuck and I will not tolerate your speaking about him in this way. You're dismissed"
With that Sheba turned on her heel and haughtily left the Commander's office.
After she departed Adama wrinkled up his nose and said aloud, "What *is* that smell?"
*****
'If Commander Adama won't do anything about this, I will!' Sheba fumed to herself. 'I have just the thing to get a certain perverted Lieutenant out of the picture permanently!'
She rummaged around in one of the storage rooms until she found the other item she was looking for. She couldn't find any strong glue, all she could find was Super Polygrip. She figured that since supplies were short it would just have to do. With the Polygrip and the explosives she had stolen from the arms locker earlier she had everything she needed.
Her plan was to sneak into the launch bay and use the Polygrip to secure the explosives to the laser cannons on Starbuck's viper. The next time he fired his lasers a switch will be triggered arming the bomb. Two centons later and... BOOM! Bye, Bye Starbuck!
As she moved stealthily down the corridor she heard the sound of a group of people approaching. Looking around frantically for a place to hide, her eyes lit on a nearby garbage chute. Seeing no other options, she quickly ducked inside.
She could hear the voices approaching her hiding place so she scooted back even further. The door to the chute opened and a bag of garbage was thrown in. The door closed and to Sheba's horror the chute began to compact. She found herself being squished further and further into the chute until, cradling her supplies against her chest, she was scrunched up as small as she could make herself.
The compacting finally stopped and Sheba breathed a sigh of relief until she noticed that the tube of Polygrip had ruptured and was covering the front of her uniform. While attempting to dig herself out of the garbage she was horrified when she found that the bomb was now firmly glued to her uniform. As she was desperately trying to figure out her next move she suddenly heard the high-pitched beeping sound that signaled that the garbage in the chute was about to be jettisoned into space.
Struggling frantically to claw her way out of the chute, she didn't notice that she had triggered the arming switch of the bomb. With the door of the chute just out of reach, she suddenly found herself sucked backwards into the depths of space.
*****
Commander Adama was sitting in his command chair on another uneventful duty shift when suddenly Rigel called to him excitedly.
"Commander! There's someone out there!" She pointed to the large view screen.
"What? What do mean someone out there?! That's impossible!" the Commander exclaimed.
"Sir, it appears to be Lieutenant Sheba!" Omega interjected.
The Commander barely had time to open his mouth before a brilliant flash of light engulfed the view screen. When the screen cleared, there was no sign of Sheba.
*****
News traveled fast around the great ship and its fleet. A small memorial service was held for Lieutenant Sheba but very few people attended.
Starbuck and Apollo moved in together a secton later. A couple of sectars after that the two warriors were sealed. Sheba was nothing but a bad memory.
The End