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Season Six: I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF by Natasha Barry
Shit! He was used to his life revolving around Simon.
In his life, there were his jobs, Simon and his mom. Though he had many, many people in his life, on the absolute necessity of personal contacts it came down to Simon and his mom.
Of course he could kill the bastard. That would make a pretty scandal. Yes, he could kill Simon, but that was against the law, even if the person murdered was a Brit, and a nasty one at that.
He must declare his independence.
But a pretty boy by the name of Ryan Seacrest wouldn’t fair well in prison. As it is, he was afraid he’d already got a fan club there. Since there was no guarantee a television host incarcerated for murder would be detained in one of those white collar crime resorts CNN decried for the influential he couldn’t kill Simon. He’d have to get back at him some other way.
But O.J. got off. Most celebrities get off.
He could imagine himself on the stand, swearing to God and “Yes, sir, he was my lover.”
Randy could finally stop being their fall guy for bearding duty. Terri could finally get a life.
They – him and Simon - had always wondered about the backlash if the public ever learned the truth about them. Well, what about how the public learned the truth rather than the truth itself being the issue? Would the news announcement be along the lines of “Simon Cowell brutally slain by Ryan Seacrest, claiming to be his lover?” In that case, his mom could give lots of interviews and he could write a bestseller and sell his exclusive story to Ron Howard or someone likeable like that. Not Oliver Stone, though, definitely not he, that man was far too sensationalistic in his treatments. Of course, the more lurid the story the more Simon would appreciate it.
But Simon was dead and this wasn’t about Simon.
Of course, there were ways available to him to obtain vengeance without his opening his life to curiosity seekers. He could wreak havoc upon that person who’d stolen his heart, who had pledged his troth – so to speak - and who turned out to be the biggest asshole traitor sadistic mind fuck of this and any generation.
The silent treatment was always the best. He’d seen it in use often while growing up, between Connie and Greg Seacrest.
He conducted IDOL business as usual, but once the shows were done, he went home alone. While eating a meal, he’d be watching the tapes of each live episode, but not in a cursory fashion or to sigh over his own beauteous visage – no matter what Paula thought.
This time, oh no, was about studying the tapes, reliving and re-analyzing every single moment between himself and Simon and how it played out in front of a worldwide audience.
A glance at his cell phone proved the effectiveness of the silent treatment, that grande dame of tactics, as the number of calls from a certain private number verified how often Simon jumped out of his skin at his golden boy’s continued silence. But a connection between them right now was not happening, and this was Ryan’s main form of execution.
Ryan was thinking about how this is Ryan in control, and this is Ryan’s round to win. And the trick is, whether Simon knew it or not, Ryan Seacrest always wins.
However, the season started innocently enough, like all the seasons of IDOL, and Ryan and Simon were reunited and all was right with their world.
True, they’d experienced a traumatic few days in Africa, witnessing too much horror that their own well-cushioned lives hadn’t prepared them for. Reading about starvation and disease was a lot different when witnessing it first hand, and they’d done the report and headed home. But for a few days afterward Simon would break into tears suddenly, and whenever Ryan grew concerned at the bouts of depression, Simon assured him, “This doesn’t happen in front of everyone.”
He hadn’t been unaffected by Africa himself, but had found the experience too horrible for tears. “I’ve gone beyond crying,” he told his mom over the phone.
The Africa clips were to air later in the IDOL season, and in the meantime Ryan was struggling to organize his various commitments, but his contract at E! was lenient allowing him IDOL days off and even remote broadcasts on occasion. The radio show conflicted only during the audition phase of the show, when he was out of the area. It’s not as if he was forced into a leave of absence or anything to keep RYAN SEACREST ON AIR alive.
But it was IDOL’s return to the audition city of Seattle when things got strange. Not that this was his favorite city, not by far, since it was always raining and Ryan detested the rain. But something else lurked, something wasn’t right, even though he didn’t know it right off, not so he knew. But there was some commotion taking place behind the scenes and he was alerted right away.
“There’s this guy from England, he’s auditioned, Tom Lowe.”
Well, they’d had foreigners audition on the show before, and they never got very far in the competition, but for some reason the ones residing in the States felt they were as American as anyone else auditioning on IDOL. Also, there was no rule in place making it mandatory you had to be native born. The IDOL winner wasn’t running for president, after all. The Brits owning this show weren’t too particular about Americans, anyway.
Having gotten a hint something was going on with a contestant Ryan went to Nigel who knew everything, which is exactly why Ryan liked him. “What about Tom Lowe?” He hadn’t interviewed the contestant himself, but was aware he had the accent and was blond and good-looking. Not exactly Ryan’s type, so the man didn’t spark an interest.
Nigel was still in the makeshift control room watching an audition as it ran in the judges’ chamber. Ryan saw one of the monitors fixed on a close-up of Simon; probably catching a reaction shot which might be edited in later. “You didn’t watch that one?” asked Nigel.
Ryan shook his head as occasionally he watched the auditions but not often. “So what was new?” It was enough he usually got the word on whether someone had made it to Hollywood and would greet them at the door. It wasn’t often he took a personal interest in anyone who auditioned. Even amongst the final ten of the season, unless they had a recording contract afterwards he never had reason to think of them again.
“Turns out Tom is a pro – well, we knew that, it’s on his sheet.” The data sheet was from the primary interview process for all contestants and copies were distributed to the judges. “I don’t know how this got through, maybe no one thought it mattered or even that it would come up, but Simon and Tom may know one another.”
They were both English of course, but “How’s that?”
“Well, Tom’s group used to be with BMG while Simon was there. Simon is saying he doesn’t know him, actually Tom says the same, actually he sounds a little vague.”
“So you think they’re lying?”
“It could be. It was Randy made the connection.”
Trust Randy to pick up on something like that. He would be one to notice record labels and possible connections, or – in this case – possible collusion.
Ryan was verbally briefed on contestants he would interview, and having missed out on Tom he knew very little about the man. “How come I didn’t interview him?” Someone from England, they either thought Tom wasn’t worth it or that he was above the standard at-the-door treatment.
“We had a camera interview with him,” Nigel explained, still trying to keep an eye on the audition room in case something unusual took place.
A camera interview was someone off-camera asking questions of the contestant.
“I don’t like to ask,” Nigel was hesitant, “but Simon hasn’t mentioned Lowe?”
Of course Nigel was one of the few people who knew for a fact of Ryan and Simon’s relationship. “First I’ve heard of this guy is today.”
Nigel wouldn’t ask him again, he knew that, but if there was anything shady about Simon’s behavior, it would be considered Ryan only knew of it because of their relationship off the show.
Leaving the booth, Ryan went in search of the files on the contestants, knowing he wanted to see Tom’s. Sure enough there were notations on him being a member of a boy band, not too successful or Ryan would have heard of the band. Even if the act were mainly in England, he’d have picked up the info. In his job as DJ he had to keep an eye on all the successful pop music acts around the world, because you never knew who would break in the U.S. or who signaled an incoming trend.
Well, if there was some concern regarding Simon and Tom Lowe, he’d ask Simon about it. There was no way he was going to be oblivious to something involving his own boyfriend.
Before joining the others for dinner at the end of the day, he pulled up Tom Lowe’s audition and ran it. Certainly there was no recognition from Simon, not even when Randy quizzed him on the possibility he and Lowe knew each other from way back.
“Did Simon ever try to sign your band?” was how Randy got that ball rolling.
Simon’s response was a cool, too cool, “It’s a small world.” He should have betrayed a bit more curiosity rather than none. But then Simon was a rotten actor.
“How are you?” Simon made a point of asking when he joined the IDOL contingent in the dining room.
Ryan saw Paula and Terri had the seats nearest Simon and though Simon gave him a quirky grin Ryan didn’t return the humor. I am not amused, he thought, so a “Fuck you,” was his silent response to all of this.
Simon’s smile died and the dark eyes grew concerned, but they were both trapped at opposite ends of the table. For good measure, Ryan kept his conversation going with Nigel and Randy until the meal ended and they all went off in various directions.
He and Simon made a point of not being obvious about their relationship, and that included boarding the elevator at separate intervals unless others of the IDOL crew were accompanying them. God forbid an elevator should quit on them and they’d be the only two found to be inside.
But a few minutes after Ryan arrived in his room, his cell rang and he saw the caller was Simon. Since he wasn’t actively avoiding the man, he picked it up. “Hey,” he said.
“Where are you?”
“I’m in my room, as that’s usually the reason I take the elevator up.” He should be climbing the stairs, damn it, but it seemed easier to get on the lift with everyone else.
“Not just now, at dinner.”
“Very Zen-like of you,” complimented Ryan. “I was having a lovely time with the gentlemen of IDOL leaving you to converse with the lovely ladies of IDOL.”
“Touche.”
“Listen, I was talking to Nigel earlier. Do you know that guy Tom Lowe?”
“Who’s that?”
“The cute guy, professional singer, you might have known him back in jolly ol’. Paula and Randy approved him for the next round, so you were able to keep your mouth shut.”
“How obliging of them. Listen, can you come over here or do you want me over there?”
“I think I want you over, over there, but okay, come down.”
He had the door ajar before Simon reached it. “So what is it?” asked Simon.
There was no toothbrush in sight, nor would Simon have one in his pocket. Their life together was a series of dates, never staying over a complete night, not unless they were on vacation. This was the life of a couple permanently undercover.
When Ryan didn’t reply, Simon prompted, “About Tom Lowe?”
At least Simon wasn’t dodging the issue. Ryan obliged with, “Did you know him? Work with him? Nigel is wondering and if Nigel is wondering you know that means they are going to pay extra careful attention to this guy’s background. If Randy is suspecting collusion, you know everyone else will.”
“I probably saw him there, but I never managed him. He looks like a lot of other guys,” Simon assured him.
“Really, Si? Because I saw the audition and he looks like he’s your type, plus the fact he can actually sing.”
“I’m not looking for a lover, Ryan, I’ve got you.”
“A me that could sing would be perfect for you.”
“I don’t need you to sing. You’re perfect the way you are. Besides, have I told you, you’re better than good-looking? I never tire of looking at you or of being with you. Tom Lowe is nothing to me.”
Ryan sighed as sometimes Simon’s overt romanticism was a good thing. “That’s good, ‘cause you know what my next question would have been.”
“I thought I would forestall you there.”
“Come on,” prompted Ryan, “let’s clean up and go to bed.”
But as the auditions progressed, Ryan found he was alone with Randy and grabbed the opportunity. It had seemed, watching the playback of Lowe’s audition, Randy had been pretty quick to make the connection between the men.
“Well, I don’t know, Ryan, I mean, you know him better than I do, Ry. Have you talked to him about it?”
“It could be a coincidence.”
“Yeah, it’s a big label, maybe they had no contact. There’s an investigation and it could mean they come up clean, the both of them.”
“Something’s bothering you, though.”
“Well, it’s personal, I don’t like to say.”
“Come out with it,” Ryan prompted.
“It’s about the two of you, I mean, that Lowe-guy, he’s blond, you’re blond.”
“We’re both very white, you mean.” Actually Ryan hadn’t been blond in a while, but he knew blacks often blanketed all whites as “blond.”
Randy laughed. “Yeah, that, but he’s good-looking, you’re good-looking, you know where I’m going with this.”
“Is Lowe gay?”
“How do I know, man? He was at an audition. He wasn’t a queeny type; we’ve seen some of those. But Simon could have been attracted anyway.”
That was for sure, though Simon didn’t like to waste his time lusting after straight men, no gay man did. Simon even boasted his radar worked so straight guys didn’t connect with his lust meter, only his money clip if the acquaintance was marketable.
“You’re thinking they didn’t have a business connection, but the personal one.”
“If they did, it was years ago and this could be a coincidence or bad judgment on Lowe’s part auditioning for IDOL when he knew Simon was part of it.”
So Randy was trying to make him feel better. Ryan smiled his thanks.
So it all came down to the producers of IDOL: because they really did have a lousy screening process in place. First they’d had the arrest record of Corey Clark, Paula’s old paramour, and now this indication Simon might have soured the talent pool.
If it turned out Simon had done a misdeed he and Ryan would have to deal with it. And Simon would have hell to pay, Ryan would make sure of it, because when you messed with IDOL you were messing with Ryan’s career.
There had been the game show scandals of the fifties and the government was damn picky about how television contests were conducted.
But what nagged him was the question, was there a personal relationship with Lowe? Was Lowe gay or gay-for-pay? Or even if he was gay, of course Simon didn’t need to have fucked him, he could have been friendly with the guy and wanting to help him out.
But having gotten Simon’s response and accepted it, Ryan assumed that was the close of the matter, because he wasn’t hearing more about it, and maybe because he wanted it to be. But in the HOLLYWOOD WEEK portion of the show, which was the killer cutting of the majority of the contestants by the judges on the order of dozens a day, there was more talk about Tom Lowe, even concerning the editing of the young man’s interview and audition as it was being tailored for a different audience.
Because he was a minor celebrity in England, or had been once upon a time, the human interest aspect had the Tom Lowe interview and subsequent audition segment aired in the U.K., as if he was a major contender, which based upon his talent and polish he probably was. Such drastic cutting of the episodes wasn’t unusual, as Ryan himself was in large part cut out of the British telecast, being substituted by an English host, and of course minus those pesky 866 toll free numbers which were meaningless in the non-voting U.K.
When the Seattle audition aired in the U.S. Tom was no more than a footnote, because it had already been decided he was to be phased out as if he never existed.
While the Hollywood phase was taking place, everything appeared normal, but Ryan recognized Tom Lowe and kept an eye on his progress.
He wondered if the young man had been briefed but Nigel told him that wasn’t happening. “He’ll be eliminated like any other contestant, just one of dozens. The only people who might speculate are the ones who can see how good he is.”
Nigel concluded, “But the guys will be pleased a strong competitor is off the stage. We don’t want a runaway winner, do we?” The allusion to Carrie’s win was obvious. There were no female contenders to match Carrie that year, and the strongest male contenders had fallen by the wayside, or were marginalized. By the time of the finale everyone knew who’d win.
Sure enough, Lowe could sing, was probably one of the best in the competition, but of course he’d been a professional for years so he was a smooth performer, had even done stage performances outside of the boy band experience.
In fact, Ryan wondered if it was taxing the man’s patience to be surrounded by amateurs. That would have been a worthy interview angle, but of course with Tom’s forthcoming disappearance, an interview wasn’t on the table.
But the judges’ response to Tom was dull, hardly indicative of the genuine performance.
It was Randy who delivered the news, “I’m sorry but you’re going home.”
“This is the end of the road for you,” added Paula, for good measure, though Ryan didn’t know if she was feeling bad or thinking they were escaping a future Corey-type scandal.
However, though Lowe’s departure was imminent, that didn’t mean an informal interview couldn’t take place.
“Hey, Tom.” He’d carefully left the cameraman behind him, catching up with Lowe along with other rejects waiting for the bus back to the hotel.
“Hey, Ryan,” Tom held out his hand in greeting. “I’ve seen you around, but if you’re wanting a sob story I can’t give it to you, sorry.” He shrugged. “With auditions, you win some, you lose some.”
“No camera,” Ryan pointed out. “Just curious, you sounded great, but you must be pretty confused as to why you’re going home.”
“Not really, but it was worth a shot, I’d like to have got my career going here.”
“Well, good luck.”
Simon hadn’t mentioned Tom Lowe to him since Seattle and yet he had to have known, must have been given instructions by the producers that his old friend was to be cut. Hell, all the judges had to be in on it.
He wondered if Simon gave the young man cash in order to ease the pain.
For the first time ever on this show – or even in Simon’s life – Ryan felt out of the loop.
“But what would Simon have to gain?” he defended his lover to his more doubtful self.
Tom Lowe he didn’t know and didn’t care about, but presumed the young man still had a career somewhere. Obviously he was ambitious enough if he chanced this with Simon.
When he confided his concerns to Nigel, Ryan could see Simon on one of the monitors, glancing around the theater, probably looking for him since it was break time. “What would he have to gain?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Ryan was told. “After that mess with Paula” – her and Corey Clark – “we can’t allow even the hint of collusion between a contestant and a judge.”
Well, he understood that, was even surprised Simon hadn’t told Tom to bow out of the competition rather than take part. He should have warned the singer back in Seattle that Randy suspected something was up, and therefore they all would. A no-show in Hollywood was less noticeable than a talented performer getting cut, especially one who was getting a large profile off the show in the U.K. edition, so maybe that’s what he did it for, the publicity back home.
That evening when they got home – to Ryan’s home since it was nearer the venue where they would continue the auditions in the morning – Ryan was after him about it.
“You knew there’d be somebody making the connection, why not tell Tom to drop out?”
“It was interesting to see how far I’d get.”
“How far you’d get?”
“I knew he was going to audition, I knew him years ago. He was living in the States now but is ambitious to get his career going again. IDOL seemed the perfect opportunity.”
“You brought in a ringer.”
“Well, not quite.”
“He’s a pro, you know him.”
“He reached me through some acquaintances in England, asked if it would be okay his auditioning here and I said okay.”
Thinking this over, Ryan decided, “You kind of lied to me about this.”
“Not really.”
“You realize if this got out to the public, it could cost us viewers, we could have lost IDOL.”
“That’s going too far,” Simon protested, obviously refusing to yield to the call for panic.
“It’s not, Si. Think about this. You were putting a fix in at the competition level. You brought in a ringer. Someone who was good enough he wasn’t supposed to be voted off: a heart-throb type, no less, to get the women and gay vote. You’re the judge who is supposed to stand for honesty and yet you didn’t even admit knowing the man. Now it turns out all sorts of people could have testified to the fact you’ve known him for years. This show airs in England, you know,” he reminded him. “What did you hope to achieve in all this?”
“It would have been nice to see how far a fellow countryman could have got.”
Ryan frowned. “Did you owe him something? Was this payback for something?”
“I don’t owe anybody anything.”
“Except me, an explanation,” Ryan snapped back. He hated it when Simon got up on his high horse. “So how well did you know him? How well do you know him?”
“I told you we met years ago, before IDOL.”
“So have you been fucking him?”
“He has a boyfriend in England. When I’m in America you know I’m with you, so how could I be fucking him?”
Accepting the logic of this, maybe because he wanted to, Ryan sighed. “All right, I’ll let you have that one.”
Simon winked, saying, “Bed now?”
“I don’t think so, Simon, I’m not in the mood right now.”
Simon looked crestfallen. “Really?”
“Really,” Ryan assured him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Simon left in his own vehicle, the personal space they thought necessary being an advantage when they didn’t live together.
HOLLYWOOD WEEK was leading into the remaining contestants being chosen by the judges for audience consumption. Once there, the contestants were being led to the slaughter, live on television.
Ryan had been stewing for days, concerned with what was going on with Simon, and how there seemed to be layers to unearth in the man, which meant something was going on. Ryan was fighting to remain unconscious of it. After a night spent apart, the next night had him striving for normality and taking Simon to bed.
“Are you all right?” Simon asked him more than once.
“I’m fine, just overwhelmed with it all.” Ryan knew Simon would assume his jobs. “I’ll be better once the show goes live; you know I love that.”
Then more of Simon’s duplicity came to light. Ryan’s instinct when it came to Simon was infallible and he knew there was something the man hadn’t owned up to.
Through bad and good times he and Simon always stuck together and he didn’t like the hint there was something else.
In the early morning, while Simon slept, Ryan grabbed the other man’s cell, checking the listings, and under L was Lowe, which was promising, as it wasn’t as intimate as T for Tom and he fully expected the man’s number to be there. In fact, if the listing had been absent, he would have assumed Simon to have wiped it, indicating further guilt.
He knew a phone call to Terri would probably resolve his concerns, but she was on Simon’s payroll and so had to leave her out of it.
But then he checked the recent calls, which Simon always forgot to wipe. Shit! He frowned over one of the numbers, checked Simon’s directory but the name signified nothing more distinctive than NYC. On a hunch, he took out his own cell and did a cross-reference. Sure enough, it was the service he hadn’t used but kept on hand just in case. Years ago Merv made sure he had it. It was the one for the NYC branch and when you were of the mind to pay for safe sex – or unsafe sex - with someone who was guaranteed to keep his mouth shut about it. He had the number for the LA branch as well, but hadn’t called it. But a recent call of Simon’s to that number? Simon had taken a business overnighter to New York last week while Ryan stayed behind.
Simon was sleeping but not for long. He was in for a rude awakening.
What had he said to Simon once the son-of-a-bitch woke up and he’d confronted him with the cell phone evidence?
It was a blur, as Ryan had rehearsed many things, but when it came down to it, when he’d brought Simon a cup of coffee and an English muffin he threw the cup at him and the muffin as well, grateful it was Saturday and so he had a late morning because otherwise he might have woken Simon before he’d prepped anything. Not that he had planned tossing the hot coffee in that direction. Unfortunately Simon’s reflexes were pretty good and he managed to avoid a scalding. But that didn’t mean he was absent the scolding, and Ryan lay into him. All he could recall afterwards was Simon’s admittance he took a rent boy when they weren’t together, “nothing serious,” of course. “It’s completely forgettable, nothing to do with us,” and all the usual crap.
“That old zip code rule in effect.” Ryan remembered their conversation from years ago, when he had a boyfriend and he wasn’t wanting to cheat on him but the British judge was coming on strong.
Oh, yeah, Simon had fucked Tom Lowe years ago, and maybe once when they met up again, but it was “for old time’s sake. He has a boyfriend, I told you.”
“So do you,” Ryan grimly pointed out.
After their years together, and especially after their wrenching sojourn to Africa, Ryan thought he knew Simon better than he could anybody only he was proved wrong.
It was Simon, who technically broke up with him, or maybe he hadn’t, maybe it was one of those things a person shouted in a moment of pique. Not exactly thrilled with his morning snack slung over him, Simon fought being put on the defensive.
“Don’t be naïve, Ryan. You’re such a little boy about these things, constantly being told what to do, earning my approval.”
“I trusted you and you’ve been lying to me all this time, and I’m the one with the problem?”
“You’re so needy. I give you attention because I enjoy it; you want attention from me because it’s something you need. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a life away from you. I admit I made a mistake with Tom. That was going outside our relationship in a way that was unacceptable. I don’t believe the scandal would have torn down our IDOL mansion, though.”
“Maybe you need to think about it some more.”
“Maybe it’s you who should do the thinking!”
“What does that mean?”
“Obviously we’re not on the same page here, you wouldn’t argue that, would you?”
Concurred Ryan, “Obviously.”
“So maybe a break is just what we need.”
But if a cooling down is all Simon expected, obviously Ryan surprised him.
The next week they went live with the show, beginning with the Top Twelve Guys followed by the Top Twelve Girls on the next night.
And he implemented his game plan of silent treatment. However, a few things came up spontaneously, as he and Simon weren’t too self-disciplined after all.
In his after-show jeans and t-shirt, he sat eating a slice of pizza in front of the gigantic monitor. He even sat through the performances again, as it allowed him time to process his most recent impressions.
From the Top Twelve Girls introduction of the judges, he could savor the brandishing of a screen cap from the night before to prove Simon’s anger. It was stoking a fire, of course, but it wasn’t his idea, though Simon would blame him for it. But for the sake of their audience they had to be made to believe it wasn’t a lover’s spat they’d been witness to, but that Simon’s anger was with Chris Sligh, the contestant who’d challenged him, but the reality is known to all involved with the show, including the contestant.
The odd thing was when Ryan mentioned Chris Sligh’s name, “Chris had a go at you,” it was obvious Simon didn’t know to whom he was referring. Simon looked confused, evidence he didn’t recall the singer. And it was true, he probably didn’t. With only rare exceptions, Simon recalled performances – if particularly noteworthy – but never performers. And that included the ones who offended him. But Ryan knew Simon was barely aware of the singer’s existence at that point, because Chris was something of a side dish, not the main course that had been his argument with Ryan.
Providing Simon support are his fellow judges, Randy and Paula, coming to his rescue, being all over Simon, though Randy is doing his own thing on Ryan as well: “You didn’t like the word sweetheart” or whatever that was, taking Simon’s side, in effect sabotaging the producers’ efforts to make the argument between Simon and a contestant rather than a personal one between the show’s host and Simon. But he called Simon “sweetheart” too, so who knew how it would play out in the public’s perception.
Ryan could sit there taking delicate bites of his pizza and thinking Randy wasn’t too bright in being supportive of Simon instead of putting the well-being of the show first.
But the intro of the judges on Top Twelve Girls night had been smooth, if he said so himself: “Why are you smiling?” asked Ryan, immediately calling attention to Simon’s bright mood.
Paula contributed a quick response of “He’s happy,” just as Simon came out with an ultra-smooth, “I’m just happy to be here.”
Not to be taken in by Simon’s faux reasonableness, Ryan had countered just as smoothly, “It’s so comforting to know,” with his own bright grin.
But then there was that revisiting of the confrontation between Chris and Simon, which Simon had such trouble comprehending.
For here Ryan had been trying to divert attention from himself and Simon last night. Producers said the show had to address Simon’s bad mood in that argument with Chris. So let’s make it about Chris and Simon, but Randy, stupid Randy with his careless grin, insisted on bringing it back home, nearly blowing it for the lot of them.
Except for proclaiming Ryan to be obnoxious again, Simon was preoccupied in gauging Ryan’s mood for the show, no doubt pondering upon which step Simon figured on the host’s ladder of vitriol, and just what game Ryan would be playing tonight.
The game was, there was no game. After his unprofessionalism the night before and jeopardizing his career as a result, Ryan did this show straight, and Simon was altogether appreciative.
But it’s not as if Simon wasn’t on the attack.
“It would be like Ryan doing the news,” Simon judged one performance. It was a weird comment, as most people queried would have agreed Ryan would be wonderful reading the news.
“She’s much better than I would be doing the news,” Ryan responded and even Simon seemed to have realized his own ego was caught up against reality with that ridiculous charge for he issued a lame, “Arguably.”
Then Simon teased him about acting like Larry King, because the rumors were in the press he might take that show over from Larry. Was he the frontrunner and by Larry’s choice? But Ryan didn’t have time for that gig on top of everything else he was doing. There’d be too many scheduling conflicts, and Larry wasn’t leaving his show yet, anyway. But if Simon was reading about it, maybe Simon was concerned he was taking on another job, and one that left him less time for IDOL? A Ryan doing serious news was a Ryan he would have to consider with respect.
True to Simon’s temperament, when he was upset he was throwing tantrums, calling people names, or making extra-nice wishing the whole thing would blow over.
Simon seemed to be using the contestants to score points again Ryan, just as Ryan did the night before.
“Ego,” he referred to Simon last night after their on-air collision with the doughy Chris Sligh in the middle. “He’s off his game,” Ryan said about Simon to anyone who would listen.
Then, at the end of the show he made it a point to thank the judges – Randy and Paula – for their good work, and a defeated Simon had raised up his head only to look struck when his own name wasn’t called.
Victory, thy name was R. Seacrest. At least until a post-show Nigel sauntered up and they went for a private chat in his dressing room.
Needless to say he didn’t join Simon as habitual for the post-show meal and drinks and he was advised Simon left the show directly without a word to anyone.
After that there was only the unsettling moment when perhaps in revenge, perhaps for some other reason, Simon came out with “Are you trying to date that girl?” during an instance of one of Ryan’s typical host duties of defending a contestant when that performer received an overall negative review from the judges.
Everyone was shocked, including Ryan and the girl, Alaina Alexander, this lovely girl notable for being so easily given to tears but they were missing even after the poor review she’d gotten from the judges. Had the fact the show’s host had chatted with her prior to her performance on her tendency to cry gotten Simon’s attention? One of the last things Ryan said to him privately, of course, was when he’d declared, “Maybe I should get married. A woman’s got to be more reliable than you.” But it’s not as if he meant it, he knew he could never make a go of it in that sort of relationship.
Even if he was great with kids, it’s not like he had time for them, and that was the only reason to be married.
As a completely different take on the situation, Ryan’s mother was on the phone with him after the show congratulating him as to how he and Alaina looked a perfect couple.
Now he had to deal with his mom. “You know I’m really not dating her, or even trying to, it’s something Simon said to make me angry, I guess, I don’t know. Maybe he thought he was helping me,” he was thinking aloud. “Maybe he thought I needed some het rumor out there to counteract all the gay innuendo he puts out. Did you notice how dumbfounded everyone was?” he recalled. “I thought Randy was going to blow it right there. And Simon was grinning away, as if he’d done me a favor.”
But she wasn’t interested in Simon. “Lots of men with your career and lifestyle do manage to have a wife and children.”
What she proposed seemed reasonable, but “Mom, that’s going too far for the sake of my career. I’ve made it this far in family entertainment, and this is how I mean to continue.” It was unpleasant sometimes, hoping to pass as heterosexual, but it was done in fun, more like a game, at least that’s how he and Simon did it. At worst – or even best – people were just confused by him. More than a few people were too intimidated by Simon to even try taking him on.
However it did occur to him, since – like all the contestants – she’d probably twigged he was gay, maybe Alaina wouldn’t mind being seen with him in public, as without hanging around with Simon and his crowd he had time to spare and he and Alaina did look great together, as if made for each other, the evidence was on-screen, he’d seen it for himself. Physically she was just the right build for him, the right look to her, everything. His mother had that right.
Wouldn’t that be just too much for Simon, if Ryan were to start dating a contestant? That is, once she was no longer a contestant, and it looked as if she’d be booted off soon. Simon accused him of wanting to date her anyway: wouldn’t that just stick in Simon’s Brit craw? Wouldn’t the columnists and bloggers have fun with this?
Fuck, he’d been caught off guard – for once totally surprised by Simon, and that should never happen – he hadn’t handled it correctly, trying to instill some disapproval and maintain some dignity with his response, but maybe he should have done the opposite, played it up as if he wanted Alaina, asked her out on a date to take place whenever her tour was up with the show. “And would you go out with me, Alaina?” he imagined saying.
Instead, he’d said he wouldn’t dignify Simon’s accusation with a response, while Simon was all about how Ryan wanted to “date that girl.”
As Ryan wrapped up the segment to go to commercial, Simon offered up an “Is there anything else, Ryan?” with butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-his-mouth faux charm.
“Not from you.” Ryan’s smooth response was gratifying as it closed the discussion and Ryan knew he’d come out the winner, even though Simon was still smiling.
The gloves were off. He’d always been a bit hesitant in taking Simon on – or any of the judges - since that wasn’t his job. But maybe there was a way of keeping his job and handling Simon at the same time.
The little shit had it coming to him.
Overall, this was a good week for Ryan Seacrest, as he was even given the gift of taunting Simon on-air over Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar nod. Simon hadn’t been her biggest supporter, had even claimed the IDOL competition was too big for her, and now she was in the big leagues to obtain the greatest award in the business. Oh, the taunt hadn’t been in too obvious a fashion, but Nigel knew Ryan and Simon’s dynamics so well, when Ryan was calling Jennifer’s name the camera shot switched to Simon for a reaction. Of course Ryan was caught staring at Simon for just that moment long enough to make his point. Simon would have a great time watching that on the playback.
Set and Game to Ryan Seacrest.
All the years he’d wasted on Simon, when it was now obvious he was the only one committed to making it work.
But his mom was still talking.
“She is so cute next to you.” She always provided her assessment; his parents planned their vacations around IDOL nights so they wouldn’t miss a thing. “Simon is right, you should date her, she’s adorable and I think she gives Simon a run for his money.”
“Mom!” he whined, he was certain he did. He winced as a result.
“Really, honey, you make a perfect picture couple, Ryan and Alaina.”
“It’s not going to happen,” he assured her, keeping to himself that following Simon’s notorious comment she’d been giving him the eye. Yes, he could date her, at this point she’d welcome it, probably had never let herself consider the possibility.
“You’re a good catch and she’s adorable.”
“Okay, Mom.”
As if suddenly coming upon reality and confronting it head on, Connie came back down to earth. “Well, it’s a nice thought, but what an odd thing for Simon – of all people – to come out with.”
“Yes, he’s inventive. I guess he wanted to give me some het cache, since he has so much of it himself. I think he only confused people.” He added bitterly, “Maybe he had dating contestants on the brain.”
He went to bed with a headache, not helped by the amount of wine he drank when he pushed the pizza aside.
On this week’s Results he and Simon were on their best behavior, but it helped because on this day of the week the judges contribution was sparse, in fact whether the judges had an opportunity to speak at all was Ryan’s prerogative.
In order to prevent more emotional confusion on-air, Ryan sought Simon out prior to the start of the show. Once he got word the judge had arrived and was in his dressing room, he was en route. It had been a decision he’d spent a restless night on, but he couldn’t avoid the man forever, especially when they worked together, and since the show was lucrative for them that meant they’d be working together a very long while.
Simon seemed surprised to see him at the door, maybe because Ryan had his own key for when he chose to use it. But he gestured him in with a very polite, “Ryan,” in acknowledgment.
“We probably need witnesses, but that’s not allowed in this case.” But he shouldn’t be confrontational, not now, and any attempt at levity could be misconstrued as sarcasm. “You do know it wasn’t my idea to confront you with that photo last night?”
“I was caught by surprise,” conceded Simon, “and I apologize for calling you obnoxious.”
The reasonable side of Simon always surprised him. “Oh, well, it’s not the first time.”
“Still, it was out of line. I do understand what you and the others were trying to do there. Naturally the argument couldn’t be about us.”
“You were being sensitive and confused, I get that. Maybe it shouldn’t have been sprung on you like that, but you know how Nigel likes to work things.” He loved spontaneity, that man, and especially loved it when Ryan and Simon’s romance spilled over on-screen. The man seemed to be living somewhat vicariously through them, but Ryan didn’t know why.
“But don’t do it again.”
“I’m not the one wants a repeat performance. In fact, I don’t want to know you at all. So take what I said the other night literally, as there’s nothing between us but this show.”
With that, he left the room, managing once again to get in the last word. For some strange reason, Ryan was having a lot of fun with this. He was suffering, no doubt, and broken up inside, but the fact he wasn’t a quivering mass of jelly whimpering in a corner of a room somewhere fortified him.
The irony to Results night is the departing contestant had to perform a song, which was the very song which most likely caused their elimination. The song’s intro could be conducted with some brand of humor since the singer would prefer singing any song but the one got them voted off. So it wasn’t exactly a high note for the person to depart the competition on, more of an additional slap in the face. Privately, Ryan would have recommended viewing it as revenge-factor. “You hated my song? Well, here it is right back at you!” Still, the band was required to play what they’d arranged that week for the performer, rather than something else, and so it goes.
This night there were two guys and two girls departing, as they were trying to drop four each week as they reduced the Top Twenty-Four to the Top Twelve.
Each time the departing contestant was issuing his or her farewell performance Ryan was propping himself against the bottom of the judges’ station. While Nicole was performing, Simon tried to get his attention. Though Ryan could hear him clearly, he ignored the man. Viewing the nights’ shows each evening hadn’t put him in a mind to forgive and forget, but they could work together, they were proving that.
Nicole had been left with Alaina as one of the two was going home, and Ryan was relieved Alaina was staying, if only to spite Simon and his snide suggestion.
If he was making Simon feel exasperated, then that was nothing to what Simon was doing to him.
Ryan saw the close-ups on Simon later, how he stared daggers toward the stage while Alaina stood next to Nicole, the only time he betrayed an interest in the results.
Alaina lived another week on IDOL and Simon’s frustration with the lack of communication between them must have increased to the point of physical strain. Simon wasn’t bothering to disguise his discomfort from the audience and Nigel put the camera on him often; though very few would have been able to guess at the cause of his discomfort. Maybe most were putting it down to jetlag or too many parties at the Playboy Mansion.
Ryan imagined Nigel in the booth toasting Simon with champagne for all the visuals he was providing.
Ryan wondered if it had been Alaina’s hand on his shoulder, quite casually, that had set off Simon’s invective towards her to begin with. But he felt guilty if Alaina’s votes suffered because some of the audience was heeding Simon’s advice and Simon proved to be less than a fan. He remembered having gripped her hand the night before, just short of holding her hand, to extend reassurance. It was unfortunate if Simon made a victim of her, but at least she’d outlasted him this week.
With the playback, he saw how Simon’s level of frustration grew throughout the evening, never a good night for the judges anyway.
Since Simon was bored by his lack of input during these times, when Ryan called upon Simon he would only receive platitudes at best, for the contestant, which was hardly worth anyone’s time. So he preferred to engage the more positive and vocal Randy and Paula. They identified with the contestants best and treated them with respect.
But this night Simon was exceptional for how often he held his head in his hands and looked as if he only wanted the show over with as quickly as possible.
Perhaps he was thinking to corral Ryan after the show, but Ryan wasn’t having it.
Ryan’s ignoring him while otherwise behaving as a professional must have cut deeply, and Simon’s misery during the latter half of the show was stark.
During Rudy’s elimination, Simon was head-in-hands for the majority of it, as if suddenly weary or broken. In fact, it had begun earlier that Simon had gone from a pleasant demeanor to that of a very old man.
When Rudy performed the final elimination sing-off of the night, Ryan left the stage entirely, as the song was playing over the closing credits. He paused for a moment next to Nigel who told him, “Good show tonight,” and when he watched the tape back later there was a shot of Simon looking after him.
“The frustration is getting to you?” Ryan cracked to the image on the monitor, watching the Results as it played on his TV screen.
Granted their reunion with the start of the new season started out pleasantly. They’d booked time for each other, hit the sack for a few days, and then were ready for work. In between work there was food and drink and fucking. They had it made whenever IDOL reconvened, as if the show existed only to ensure they had time for each other.
But Ryan needed to work, needed to secure his place in the industry, rather more than he needed Simon. After all, if need be, he could live without Simon.
They were still on their truce – for the sake of the show - when the next troubling event occurred, and again it was on-air.
At this point they only interacted during live broadcasts, so it was a strange disconnect from reality, having to focus instead on the hyper-reality of the contestants and their immediate futures.
Oddly, the moment was initiated by contestant Chris Sligh, and who could figure besides owning the “sweetheart” moment which had broken them he had this as well.
Following his performance, Ryan joined him on-stage and prior to his dismissal, Chris demanded a hug. Why, Ryan had no idea. Chris’ explanation was that Ryan hugged everyone, but Ryan had been notably detached from hugging contestants lately, and never during this night’s broadcast. Chris was straight, not trying to cop a feel, so it was all a bit odd, but most odd was when Ryan realized after the hug he’d instinctively checked out Simon’s response.
Simon definitely had a response, as he made a throat-cutting motion to Chris, which initiated a formal apology from the young man.
Ryan’s composure returned and he only offered as explanation for Simon’s gesture, “He gets excited,” which Randy wholeheartedly agreed with.
Simon was accustomed to Ryan’s casual embraces, as Ryan made his touchy-feely demeanor his trademark, but that’s all it ever was, casual, and Simon put up with it. But when a contestant got all touchy-feely with Ryan in turn, Simon was the proverbial Frankenstein monster, with smoke blowing out his ears. And any contestant who focused upon Ryan too much – like Matt Rogers in season three – got his ass handed to him on a plate. The Brit had his own way of eviscerating interlopers, whether in front of or in back of the camera.
None of this would have meant much to Ryan at the time – after all, they were over with, he’d said so – except he was the one who’d turned to check Simon’s reaction. Like he was a homing pigeon and they were still a couple, as if Simon had a right to care, as if his feelings and response mattered anymore.
That was the soul-destroying truth.
Ryan hadn’t been as good at cutting off that snake Simon’s head as he thought, and Simon had evidence to prove it.
So they weren’t over, after all.
But his mother’s words were ringing in his ear.
“Hon, if your dad did that to me, he knows I would shoot him.”
Well, his mom had always been pretty vocal on the subject of Simon.
“Honey, do what’s best for you, not for him, what’s best for you. You are young and healthy and handsome and successful, and if he no longer suits you, if he can’t value you, move on and don’t be afraid to do that. But if you decide to forgive him, make sure it’s not until it’s after he’s learned his lesson. You can’t ever be made to go through this again.”
“Thanks, Mom,” he approved her advice over the phone.
The shows continued, their lack of personal communication continued, but the arguments were over.
Then, one day he came back to his dressing room to find a package waiting for him. He knew it was brought in by someone working here, because otherwise it wouldn’t have been let through by Security.
Inside the package was a cassette. First off, Ryan hadn’t seen a cassette since he couldn’t remember when. And he would have wondered how he would play the thing, but there was a voice recorder with the thing, and he popped it in.
The intro from Simon was, “Well, the Cuff Links did it better with TRACY, however, it’s never been more heartfelt than as RYAN.”
And then Simon sang.
Ryan, when I'm with youSomething you doBounces me off the ceiling Ryan, day after dayWhen you're this wayI get a loving feeling Come with meDon't say noHold me closeRyan, never let go Ryan, you're gonna beHappy with meI'll build a world around you Filled with love everywhereAnd when you're thereYou'll be so glad I found you Come with meDon't say noHold me close, RyanNever, never, ever let me go Come with meDon't say noHold me close, RyanNever, never, ever let me go
Amazingly, the voice didn’t conjure an image of the T-Rex in JURASSIC PARK.
Simon closed with, “Now you’ve got me, I truly am at your mercy. This is Simon Cowell and I am in love with Ryan Seacrest.”
It was fortunate by the time the clips of them in Africa for the IDOL GIVES BACK campaign began airing, they were back to being themselves.
When they were nominated for the “Best Buddies” award for the Golden Idol, they knew they wouldn’t win, but that was okay, it was important the clips of their arguing weren’t an embarrassment anymore. Nigel had been, “Oh, I love those moments,” as if he lived for the breakdowns between Ryan and Simon.
One night before bed Ryan commented, “Strange man, that Nigel.”
“Oh, he’s English.”
“That explains it.”
THE END