Work Text:
I Have a Secret Crush on My Teammate
by RabidX
Jerry: Welcome to the show! (crowd applause/cheers) Today we have a really special show. Our guests are the elusive, oft times called criminal, mutant team known as The X-Men!
Crowd cheers and a few boos.
Jerry: We have taken great pains to insure the safety of our guests as well as the audience. So any left over Project Overwatch members can keep resting at home. (crowd laughs/jeers) So let's bring out our guests!
Jerry: First we have the team leader, Cyclops!
Cyclops walks out from stage left. He smiles nervously and sits in the first chair he comes to.
Jerry: And his lovely wife, Phoenix!
Phoenix enters to appreciative noises from the men. She smiles and pivots like she was on the catwalk again. Then sits next to Cyclops. She takes his hand and they whisper together.
Jerry: Next, we have the Weather Witch, Storm!
Storm walks regally out. Hoots and 'Go Girl!' ring out. She sits quietly next to Phoenix. Jerry chuckles.
Jerry: All right now. Let's bring out the Iceman!
Iceman slides out, big grin on his icy face. He waves and plops down next to Storm.
Jerry: Man, there sure are a lot of you! Next Nightcrawler!
Nightcrawler bamfs in, a bit above the floor, flips and lands with a bow.
Crowd cheers.
Jerry: (waving his notecards in front of his face) Whew! That's gotta cause problems!
Nightcrawler just grins, showing fangs.
Jerry: OK, next we have the oldest, Wolverine!
Wolverine, cigar in his mouth, walks out and sits down without fanfare.
Jerry: And the youngest, Jubilee!
Jubilee slides out, hands crossed over her head, paffing her fireworks. Crowd cheers and pumps hands. Grinning, she sits next to Logan.
Jerry: Gotta love a girl who has her own special effects. Last, but not least, we have Gambit!
Gambit saunters out, crooked grin on his face. He bows to the crowd and winks at a lady in the front. She giggles and the crowd hoots and cheers.
Jerry: Nice uniforms everyone. Now, all of these handles are codenames, correct?
Cyclops: Yes they are. Most of us prefer to try to live our lives as normally as possible when we aren't doing, well our thing.
Jerry: And yet none of you really hide your faces.
Gambit: We don' mind ya'll know what we look like, jus' don' wan' you to know how to find our phone number. Unless we give it to you. (He winks)
Crowd cheers. Jerry turns and smiles at the crowd. Cyclops shakes his head. Wolverine rolls his eyes.
Jerry: Well, now most of us have seen news stories on the dangers of the mutant menace. Some of us know, however, that a few, like the X-Men and the defunct X-factor, are trying to keep humanity safe from criminals, mutant or otherwise. (crowd cheers) When we come back, we will find that, despite all you have been told, these guys are just like us underneath the powers. And that maybe one of them has a secret they want to share with their teammates.
Crowd cheers and hollers. The X-Men look around at each other, confused.
*******
Jerry: (over crowd noises) Welcome back. Now, Gambit, from what I have been told, you are a bit of the ladies man. Was I told right?
Gambit: (warily) Ouiai. Dat's what dey say.
Jerry: Well what if I told you the reason we're all here is because someone on your team has a crush on you?
Gambit shifts in his chair and raises an eyebrow. The crowd cheers.
Gambit: Well... OK...
Jerry: And what if I told you (turns to the crowd with a huge grin) it's... Cyclops?
The crowd goes wild. Storm looks at Cyclops in shock. He blushes bright red. Gambit stares. Wolverine hunkers down in his chair and growls. Jubilee hoots with the crowd until Wolverine snaps at her.
Jerry: It's true, isn't it, Cyclops?
Cyclops: Um... yeah.
Woman in the crowd: (shouts out) But you're married!
Phoenix: Yes he is and I know about it.
Jerry: And it doesn't bother you?
Phoenix: He's married to me, not Gambit. Besides, it's a crush. It happens. Kinda spices up the sex life.
Cyclops turns ever redder. Ororo now stares at Phoenix. The crowd shouts out 'Oh yeah!' and other encouragement. Jubilee nearly chokes on her gum.
Jerry: Wow. I guess it could. Wouldn't think sex with you would need spicing up, but... hey whatever works. Now, Cyclops, you aren't the only one.
Gambit: He's not?!? Oh merde...( puts his head in a hand)
Jerry: Not by a longshot. Iceman, something you want to say?
Iceman: Yeah. You guys have been guessing if I am in the closet. Well, I guess I have been. Gambit, I...uh... I like you too.
Jubilee: Oh like that's news!
Iceman: What?
Jubilee: You'd have ta be blind not to notice that one, Icecube! Please!
Gambit: Oh boy...
Jerry: I guess this is a bit of a surprise, Gambit?
Gambit: Ouiai.
Jerry: Anybody want to say anything here?
Storm: Since we're confessing, I have always admired your more... physical talents.
Gambit: Stormy!
Jerry: Physical talents? Anything in particular?
Storm: His graceful way of moving. (she smiles wickedly) His butt!
Wolf-whistles from the crowd. Phoenix nods in agreement.
Phoenix: He does have a nice one!
Cyclops: J... Phoenix!
Phoenix: Do I look braindead? I can certainly appreciate his ass if you can!
Jerry: What do have to say to that, Cyclops?
Cyclops: I... I guess she's right.
Crowd: Damn right she is! Go girlfriend! etc.
Jerry: OK folks, we'll be right back. Gambit, don't get too comfortable, there's more.
Gambit: *beep*
*******
Jerry: Welcome back. Secret crush on a teammate. Four so far. I hope that, unlike another show, Gambit, you don't go home and kill anyone over this.
Gambit: Non, but I am... well surprised would be mild, eh?
Jerry: Judging from the look on your face, I'd say it was. (crowd and a few X-Men laugh) Now, I told you there was more. Can you handle it?
Gambit: Do I have a choice?
Jerry: Not really. Now you've worked with these people for a couple of years now. You had to notice something.
Gambit: Not really. I mean, we been kinda busy, homme. We all flirt some, mais, I nevah took it serious.
Iceman: Yeah I know. (rolls his eyes)
Jubilee: Bitter much?
Iceman: Shut up.
Jubilee: Hey, you could always call Northstar.
Jerry: Jubilee, you don't have a crush on Gambit, do you?
Jubilee: Jerry, I'm sixteen. I got a crush on, like, everybody.
Wolverine glares at Jubilee. She sticks out her tongue.
Jerry: Hopefully you'll stick with the crushes right now.
Wolverine: I'll make sure she does.
Jubilee: Oh man! Wet blanket!
Jerry: Not to beat this to death, but then again, it's why we're here, but... (he looks at Nightcrawler)
Gambit: You too?
Nightcrawler: (turning purple) Ja, mein Freund. I am sorry.
Jerry: You're sorry for having a crush on him?
Nightcrawler: Well, I mean...
Jerry: (looking at a card) You're Catholic, aren't you?
Nightcrawler: Ja.
Jerry: You worry about what the church might say?
Nightcrawler: The church hasn't figured out what it thinks of mutants yet, much less gay mutants.
Jerry: But come on, it's got to make your crush pretty hard on you.
Nightcrawler: I... get by.
Gambit: (glaring at Jerry) Don' put him on de spot about dat, eh, homme?
Jerry: Woah, OK. Calm down. But you're right; this isn't a show about the church. Not today anyway. When we come back, there's someone who disagrees with Gambit's assessment that the flirting is never taken serious.
Crowd cheers.
*******
Jerry: And we're back. Secret teammate crushes. Gambit says that they all flirt, but it's never taken seriously. Let's meet someone who says not only are they taken seriously, but that she thinks it's a relationship.
Rogue enters stage-right, smiling and waving. Gambit moans as she sits in the chair to his left.
Rogue: Howdy, sugah.
Jerry: Now, Rogue right? (she nods) You say Gambit has pursued you from the day he joined the team.
Rogue: That's right. He's always tellin' me he love me an' stuff like that. Won't leave me alone.
Iceman: Oh, and like you don't just flaunt yourself at him!
Jubilee: Yeah, gimme a break!
Rogue: Hey, he chases me!
Phoenix: Rogue, you can't say you haven't led him on.
Rogue: Ah told him t'leave me alone plenty of times!
Nightcrawler: Then why do you keep trying to make him come back?
Rogue: Ah don't!
Gambit: Oh the *beep* you don't! Soon as Gambit walk away, you come achasin'!
The crowd cheers again, loving the revved up display.
Jerry: (looking at another card) But you can't even touch him, can you?
Rogue: No. Ah can't touch anybody or I'll... drain 'em. Powers, memories, whatevah. I put him in a coma once when he kissed me.
Jerry: So you're scared you're going to hurt him.
Rogue: Yeah! (tears start in her eyes) Ah don't wanna hurt him.
Gambit: An' I said I didn't care! We coulda worked it out! Der are ways we could...
Rogue: (shouting) An' Ah said Ah wasn't gonna do that!
Jerry: Wait a minute. There are ways you two could... touch? Without it causing damage?
Gambit: Sure der are. But everytime I suggested it, she tole me not to treat her like a whore! Dat she wasn't gonna do anything to turn her powers off so we could even jus' hold hands!
Several of the crowd responses get beeped.
Gambit: Dat's right! I finally figured it out! You jus' usin' me for... I dunno... ego or whatever.
Rogue: It ain't like that! I... I'm jus'...
Iceman: A *beep*tease, that's what.
Crowd cheers Iceman.
Cyclops: Iceman!
Iceman: Cyke! Aw come off it! I was with her on the angst-tour! She left him to die and then is all 'Oh Gambit! Ah'm sorry! But you so bad! Come here, go away!' (bad Rogue impression) It gets old!
Wolverine: No sh*beep*.
Jerry: Wait wait wait. (turns to Rogue) You left him to die somewhere?
Rogue: (squirming in her seat) He... got some people...
Cyclops: That's enough! He made a mistake and some bad things happened. (crowd quiets a bit for once) He didn't know it was going to happen. He has more than paid for it. What you did was inexcusable!
Phoenix nods.
Rogue: What Ah did! I didn't get that monster...
Storm: You were a willing member of Mystique's Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. (crowd boos and hisses) Do not make me go into your list of crimes with them. We forgave you, child. You left Gambit to die in the Antarctic and had the gall, the nerve to tell us he had died! (her eyes go white and her hair raises with a small wind) So don't you sit there and act like you're the victim here!
Crowd screams its approval of Storm.
Jerry: I think we'd better take a break.
*******
Jerry: Well now that we have everyone calmed down again. Let's see what the studio audience has to say.
Woman1: Gambit, you said there was a way you guys could touch?
Gambit: Ouiai.
Woman1: An' she said no? (Gambit nods) Well I think you got a serious problem, girl! (points at Rogue) He wanted you, when he coulda had the whole team an' you said no! You're crazy!
Rogue: It wasn't like that! It was just... wrong.
Woman: Uh-uh, girl, you're just wrong!
Crowd: Yeah! (cheers)
Man1: Ok, this is for everyone. If you all like Gambit, why didn't you say something?
Iceman: Thought he was with Rogue. (everyone agrees)
Nightcrawler: And we haven't always been around.
Man2: Gambit, she left you to die in, like, a frozen waste? (Gambit nods) And you still want to be with her?
Gambit: Not no mo'.
Rogue: Oh that's crap! You tole me you loved me after that!
Gambit: Yeah, well I was still in shock. I got ova it.
Man2: I would! Bitch leave me to die, I don't want her back!
Rogue: Hey!
Iceman: Zip it or I'll freeze your trap shut! Why don't you go back to Magneto! You didn't have any trouble *beep*ing him!
Crowd hoots and whistles.
Jerry: Wolverine, you've been pretty quite here.
Wolverine: Don't got nothin' ta say.
Jerry: Aw come on! Your whole team says they have a crush on Gambit. Rogue has some sort of, I don't know, sick fascination going too. And you have nothing to say?
Wolverine: Wouldn't make a difference.
Gambit: (looking over at Wolverine) It might.
Wolverine: (looking back at Gambit) Doubt it.
Jubilee elbows Wolverine, who snarls at her.
Jerry: OoooK. Well, Gambit, is there anyone you have a crush on? Besides that weird Rogue thing.
Gambit: (looking at his hands) Non.
Jerry: That wasn't very definite. You sure about that?
Gambit: Dey don' want Gambit anyway, so what's de point?
Jubilee: Oh I can't stand it! (hops out of chair) Gambit, Wolvie
likes you, I mean really likes you!
Wolverine: Jubilee! I outta paddle you!
Jubilee: Beating Your Teenage Foster Kid is another show, Wolvie. 'Sides, I know you like im!
Gambit: Wolverine, do you? Please tell Gambit.
Wolverine: (sighs) Yeah I do. There. Happy?
Gambit: Ouiai. 'Cause you're de one I... like.
Crowd cheers. Jubilee smiles and claps her hands. Wolverine looks stunned, Rogue looks angry. She jumps up and reaches to pull a glove off. Wolverine is in her face, claws out and under her chin.
Wolverine: (growling) Touch him ever again an' I'll gut ya good, Sweetheart!
A few in the crowd scream while others cheer.
Rogue: Maybe Ah'll just take it out on you, Shorty.
Nightcrawler bamfs to Rogue and bamfs her back a few feet.
Nightcrawler: Nein, you've caused enough trouble!
A protective barrier comes down as the rest of the X-Men get up to square off with Rogue. Gambit takes Wolverine's hand and kisses it. The crowd cheers.
Jerry: That's all we have time for today! Looks like it's going to get messy! Tomorrow we'll be back, hopefully, with 'My Father is a Woman'. See ya folks!
The end!