SquidgeWorld Archive

Season Three:  YOU DON’T OWN ME by Natasha Barry

Randy knew when the two of them had gotten together and even before that he’d watched as young host Ryan Seacrest was swamped by the Brit’s attention.  So finally the southern boy succumbed, and that was season one of IDOL in a nutshell.  

Season two of the show, begun later in that same year, had the Cowell and Seacrest couple blissfully happy, at least Ryan was content, albeit more focused upon work, while Simon was fairly beaming and brimming over with holiday cheer, even when the holidays were a few speed bumps down the road.   There’d been a few weeks apart, then the show had resumed and so had the romantic duo, and both with a vengeance.  It was something to be part of, and be witness to.

Even co-judge Paula Abdul couldn’t get the Brit man too riled with her ramblings and her mood swings, in fact she was in a fairly good temper all around, unlike the first year of the show, when they were all getting used to each other.  Paula herself was “It’s so sweet, I haven’t been like that in a while,” obviously doing a mental comparison and lamenting the state of her own love life.

Season three of IDOL had gotten underway with Ryan’s rueful, “So you’re not through with me yet?” to a sanguine Simon, as they sat next to each other on the plane to the first audition city. 

Simon seemed altogether comfortable in that judge’s chair, especially when he must have games to play with his young lover each night, and who knew which games were going on in his mind when he was supposed to be concentrating upon the contestants’ auditions.

The chartered flight to the audition city hadn’t afforded the couple much in the way of privacy, but the judges and host tended to congregate anyway.  Of course Terri, Simon’s gal Friday, was on the flight with them. Ryan had been promoting the supposed heterosexual pairing of his lover and the personal assistant since its inception.

Simon’s response was a curt, “Don’t be stupid.”  But it was said in Simon’s soft voice, the tone used when coaxing Ryan at dinner into having a dessert, and Randy imagined it was the same tone used to cajole Ryan into unplanned sex or a quick trip to Mexico when they thought no one was looking.

Of course as the flights continued successive weeks to different venues, there were other tones for other occasions, or when Simon’s mood would be less tolerant and he’d take a look at the young man seated beside him - a young man who seldom opened his mouth to anything but talking but would remarkably have a plate of food in front of him - and Simon would snipe, “Are you still eating?” as if that’s all Ryan did, all day long.  When that snide Simon emerged, Ryan would blanch and Simon would chuckle and thereafter ignore the effect as Ryan would start chattering madly as the food was pushed firmly aside. 

Now Randy knew Simon thought Ryan ate too much or too little, and he’d be all “You have to eat, there’s nothing left to you, your cock is about to tip you over” when Ryan wasn’t eating, but as soon as there was something Ryan was biting into, Simon would respond with a curt remark inferring Ryan was too fat, or at least too fat for television and green eyes wouldn’t compensate for balloon features and a swollen waistline.

Then again, in the past Randy had seen Simon gift Ryan with a batch of cookies, then the next day complain that from the amount of cookies missing, the Georgia boy must have really dug in.  On these occasions, as Simon was quite vocal in his condemnation, Randy knew Ryan to look as confused as he felt. 

“You shouldn’t be concentrating on wine so much, alcohol is so fattening,” is another gibe Simon would make, especially as Ryan became interested in wine to the point one would label him a connoisseur.  Ryan was planning some trips around California and even to France, to further his education. 

To Randy this was yet another example of how the television host sought to be an expert in every subject, as he was well-versed in everything from football to wine to the latest issues in the Middle East.

Finally, he had to ask Simon, “Why do you say he’s fat?” when they reached a hotel they were staying at, finally letting curiosity get the better of him as he asked for a moment with the man checking into his room. 

Ryan had taken off with the crew, probably to be involved in the setup and whatever else needed to be done (most of the time Randy didn’t know what Ryan was doing, just that he seemed awfully busy doing it, seemingly to have evolved into a combination talent-crew-executive). 

With his own weight issues and Paula’s former food disorder in mind, it seemed food and weight were often discussed around here, or maybe it was Simon who made a big deal of everyone’s weight, as he certainly pointed it out to a contestant often enough.  But Randy knew fat, and Ryan wasn’t the poster boy for it.

“If he’s not careful, he gains weight,” Simon assured him, evidently not taking issue with the personal question.  “Like most very thin people he’s obsessed with food.”

“You shouldn’t give him cookies then.  Most of the time he’s eating fish or salad, he’s on a full-time diet as it is.”  Surgery was his own cure for the bloat, but he’d been a heavy eater, and Ryan was never that.

“The camera puts weight on,” Simon pointed out, “and Ryan would hate to be fat again.  That caused a lot of struggles for him whilst growing up; that and him being gay.  He’s had a time of it.”

Randy was off-hand, “All the more reason to take it easy on him.”  It really wasn’t his business, but Randy considered the Brit’s influence on his young lover a bit extreme, as if Simon was using his life experience against the boy.  Ryan was no unsophisticated angel, but he was high-strung and peculiarly sensitive when it came to condemnations or praise from the Brit’s mouth.

“He appreciates my advice,” claimed Simon.  “He knows I want the best for him.”

But the best never seemed to be good enough, from what Randy had seen. 

Ryan was a successful, good-looking young man; certainly he could attract anyone, so if he’d chosen a sarcastic Englishman that was what he wanted.  It’s not like Ryan fell into bed with Simon and then found out who he was.  Anybody watching the show knew the type of character Simon was, and Ryan more than watched the show, he studied them on a regular basis, the judges and the contestants, to the point nothing much got by him.

With the cast and crew rested, the judge portion of the auditions began the next day, with each of them arriving at the venue in chauffeur-driven limos. 

Paula was still in the makeup chair when her fellow judges showed up.  She greeted them with a big smile on her face.  “Hello!”

Randy headed toward the catering table.  Since his surgery he couldn’t maintain an appetite, but at least he could indulge in whatever he wished, and donuts were popular with him any day of the week.

Ryan showed up, ostentatiously holding out a hand for Simon to shake.  Simon held the grip too long, and it would have been a controversial moment left on the cutting room floor only Ryan smirked and Simon let go. 

By this point, Ryan would have been on the scene for some time, as part of the crew, and mostly Ryan met their arrivals at the entrance, and he and Cowell would put their arms around each other as they crossed the threshold together.

How they took sneaking back and forth in the hotel corridors that had security cameras set up, Randy didn’t know.    

But often the show booked the talent to the same floor, so it wasn’t suspicious the travel along the corridor of the famous faces from the show who would be considered to be friends as well as co-workers who might have something to talk about. 

Sometimes Ry and Simon were given a connecting suite, and since the show never booked the stars under their own names, hotel personnel might be confused as to who was assigned where. 

And without any security incident, nobody had any reason to be checking security tapes anyhow, and they’d be routinely erased. 

Simon and Randy took turns kissing Paula’s offered cheek, mainly in affectation as the cameras were still panning their faces in preparation for the show. 

Their audience would be amazed though the three of them didn’t connect off-camera, in the main they got along rather well.  After all this time, they knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses and for the cash and fame they made strange bedfellows.

Ryan disappeared and Randy knew he’d only see him again on breaks or lunch.  When the contestants came through, the host would stay on the other side of the door.

When one contestant came in, a young man, and his name turned out to be Ryan, Paula pointed out to Simon “Your favorite name,” since she loved to insinuate she knew more than she did.  However, in this she had it right.  She said it straight, without sarcasm, so it would be interesting if it made it onto air.

Randy wondered if Simon would hold that name against the young man, but instead Simon approved him for that golden ticket.  Of course, that didn’t mean Simon wouldn’t get rid of him in Hollywood. 

There were a lot of Ryans in Hollywood, but Simon thought the only one worth knowing was the one with the surname of Seacrest. 

But Simon had to comment first, “You’re the first Ryan I’ve met with any talent,” obviously forgetting Ryan Starr from season one, then again he’d taunted the woman’s name change ever since.

No doubt the insult to Ryan would air, and that would bring a smile to the scowling Cowell’s face.

He didn’t know for sure how much time Ryan and Simon spent together when IDOL wasn’t in production, but he suspected they connected more than many would suspect. 

He also knew what others didn’t, that when they were clear of the cameras, it was Ryan held the bulk of the conversation, including the insults to Cowell, while Simon sat like a pasha appreciating everything that went down.

They were an odd duo, in Randy’s opinion, who certainly knew how to push each other’s buttons.

The auditions continued until the final city was visited, then the show was on a break until the Hollywood portion which was the next major screen process, really the cutting process until they got the contestants down to a manageable proportion to place before the public.

When the show returned to air it seemed to Randy their host was stretching himself a bit thin, as he’d taken on a television talk show in his own name and also a radio program to air weekdays.  “I’m used to keeping busy, but you’ve got a new record going,” Randy assured Ryan when next he saw him.  “What does Simon think of all of this?”

“He loves it,” Ryan assured him, “except for the part means less time spent with him.”

Allowed Randy, “That sounds about right.”

Privately he wondered just how much coke was going up the young man’s nose to allow for that schedule he was keeping, but as long as Ryan didn’t do anything to get himself thrown off the air – radio or television – he guessed it was okay.  Obviously that broken nose of Ryan’s – from a football injury, Randy assumed – hadn’t had surgery due to a deviated septum yet!

Having met up with Ryan backstage before the young man went to work with the contestants, Randy was in a good mood, having seen for himself Ryan was also flying high, but with enthusiasm, not drugs.

He found the female judge in the makeup chair, and spying his approach she was asking, “So what’s going on?”

“Not much,” Randy assured her, taking her place in the makeup chair as she vacated it.  “We’re hooking up before the show.”  But he hadn’t seen Simon yet, and sometimes the man’s arrival was only twenty minutes away from air time.  “Are you watching the run-thru?”  The run-thru is what the show runners called it; dress rehearsal to the performers, and Ryan – of course – had to interpret for everybody. 

It wasn’t that unusual for them to catch the performers and sometimes the audience sat through the same performance three times if there were problems.

“It’s more relaxing and I’ll take my notes and be all ready to go.”

Sometimes they sat through the run-thru then consulted with producers on what they should say, because though none of the judges would lie outright about a performance, they needed to stay in synch with the show’s objectives.  And there were certain singers more desirable to have under contract than others, and if that singer had a high placement in the show at the finish, then the better the singer’s chances for recording success.  But if the viewing audience thought the entire show was rigged, well, they were mistaken.  The judges could influence - or attempt to influence – the audience, but the audience still had the deciding vote, which was why some favorite contestants of the judges would be wiped out before the final.

“Don’t forget drinks after the show,” he reminded her of the Tuesday regular. 

“Not tonight, not for me, I have plans.”

Randy asked, “You have a date?”

“Indeed I do.”

Ryan came up to hear the last, Simon beside him, as if Ryan had personally delivered the judge to the makeup station. 

“So there’s no hanging out with the old folks tonight, eh, Paula?” teased Ryan.

“Nope, I plan to twist and shout to all my might.”

As usual, Simon winked at Ryan but held his distance while the makeup girl continued dabbing at Randy’s face.  But he spied them in the mirror, and sometimes it was a little weird with them, occasionally the couple would walk with their arms slung around each other, other times they’d be more conservative.

“No simpering tonight, Ryan,” cautioned Simon, with a faux serious expression on his face, “I swear you were simpering last week.”

“What are you talking about?”

Randy couldn’t figure out if they were serious or joking.

Simon insisted, “Remember when we watched the tape?”

“I wasn’t simpering,” argued the younger man.

Stepping in just in case it got out of hand, Randy offered, “You did an excellent job last week, Ry.” 

Frankly, he didn’t know what Simon was talking about, though he did remember the man making a few weird comments regarding their host while they sat in on the results show.  Simon really hated the results shows as he was only called upon for occasional advice, the kind to make the voted off contestant feel better.  But that conciliatory gesture was loathed by the Brit, as when a contestant was voted off, Simon was done with him, as in dropping the person off the face of the planet.  What the man really wanted was for the losing contestants to be grasped by a hook and hauled off-stage, never to darken his path again.  Simon had a real disregard for losers, as he saw them, which was an extra reason he detested when one of his favorites was voted off, in effect the audience making up its collective mind Simon’s favorite was also a loser.  Damn, but the guy could be in a bad mood for weeks and bring up the discarded contestant’s name to suit any occasion. 

Due to this travesty of justice, as Simon saw it, the Brit always had complaints about the IDOL process and sometimes Randy put Simon’s talk down to cultural differences.  However, if during the broadcast Ryan had time to focus on him, ceding to some imagined expertise of Simon’s, that would put the judge in a better mood for the show. 

“What was he simpering about?” he asked Simon now, since Ryan was looking both confused and unhappy at the same time.

“I thought he was going to hump that guy’s leg.”

Randy knew Simon, and knowing Simon, he couldn’t remember the name of the guy he was referring to.  Or maybe he did, if he felt strongly enough about Ryan’s presumed attraction to another guy.  Still, it was an odd thing to say.  Ryan worked so hard at treating all the contestants equally it was only a split second here or there he would let his own preference show.

After a beat, Ryan stated, “He’s never liked my hosting.”  Then, “Unlike you,” Ryan’s gaze took them all in, “I have work to do.  See you at the run-thru.”

“Well, that was tough,” declared Paula.  “Simon, have you ever been in a relationship before?  Cause any woman I know would divorce you.”

“It’s nothing serious,” pledged Simon, “I just want him to do better.”

“Better for him or what you want him to do?”

“What’s the difference?”

Randy wasn’t sure which of them sighed first, him or Paula.  But she got the last word:  “Case closed,” before she stalked off.  Randy wondered if it were the dancer in her made that maneuver of hers so successful.

A few weeks later into the season, as Randy bore witness to, Simon was all “You’re not wearing that on-stage, are you?” to Ryan.

They’d stopped off together to visit Ryan in his dressing room before the start of the show, and usually he’d stay in his own dressing room, to grab a meal before the show, while delaying the inevitable confrontations with his co-workers.  But this time Randy had been on the floor and Simon made for him.

Usually Simon stayed in his own dressing room upon arrival, inhaling nicotine as if it was oxygen, and Randy could live without that.  But this time they’d joined up, and Randy accompanied Simon during the man’s detour to Ryan’s dressing room.

Ryan had finished the final briefing with the producers, who’d filled him in while he was in the chair getting his makeup applied.  Now the three men were visiting as Ryan met them at the door.

“What’s wrong with it?” Ryan was on the rebound but not bothering to look in the mirror though there was one only two feet away.

There were times Simon really hated reminders Ryan was so much younger than him.  At least Randy took it that way when Simon – of all people – ridiculed Ryan’s youthful attire.  This time there was a t-shirt under a blazer and some jeans.  Not exactly revolutionary in design choices, Randy thought.

He sighed, remembering the trade-off for Simon was he did rate a younger lover, and not one paid for out of his wallet.  Ryan was successful all on his own, and Simon should be thankful really he had such a lover.  No amount of friends could replace the existence of a real lover in one’s life. 

“You’re not seventeen-years-old,” Simon was pointing out.  “What are you, thirty?”

“You old Brit,” Ryan was arguing, “this t-shirt cost two hundred dollars.  I’m not as old as Moses, you know, which is why I have the tolerance to put up with you.  Anyone my age is going to know this is the style, and remember this is a show that – except for the judges – has a young cast.  Our contestants aren’t geriatric and their host shouldn’t be either.”

“I agree with Ryan,” piped in Randy, whose opinion it was Ryan looked really good tonight.  “He’s the one they hang out with; they have to feel comfortable with him.”

“Oh, you’re a fine judge,” Simon started laughing with Ryan joining in.

Mission accomplished.  “What’s wrong with what I wear?”

“I couldn’t begin to tell you,” said Simon, still laughing.  Then he turned to Ryan, saying only, “See you out front.”

Outside the dressing room, Randy asked, “What’s your favorite thing about him?”

Without thinking about it, Simon responded, “His eyes.”

But this wasn’t a good night for Simon, in fact it never was a good show for Simon when Matt Rogers was performing.  It wasn’t the performance itself that was so bad, though Simon stated the man was cliché, unoriginal and boring, but what the viewers didn’t know was Matt Rogers had to have made himself Simon Cowell’s least favorite contestant ever.

It all had to do with a certain interaction between Ryan and Matt back in the days when they were thinning out contestants until they reached the final twelve. 

“Oh-oh,” Randy had to say, poking Paula so she watched the monitor and saw what the men either side of her were studying.

“Oh God,” she said, putting a restraining hand on Simon’s arm. 

So in the Red Room, Matt was all over Ryan before singing and then again afterwards, if anything it was even worse as he’d sat down for the interview with a hand attaching itself to Ryan’s knee and staying there. 

Randy snuck a look at Simon, wondering if the man would vacate the stage in anger.

So if smoke literally came out a person’s ears, that would be Cowell watching Matt interacting with his Ryan. 

For a straight man, and Simon thought Matt was straight, the man took an inordinate amount of interest in Ryan, which was puzzling, and Simon frequently groused about this to his fellow judges.  In fact when Matt was pushed into the final twelve by the audience vote, the large man had even turned to Ryan in exaltation and it looked as if he would kiss Ryan, but caught himself in time.

Now this wasn’t revolutionary and occasionally there were male and female contestants who tried to latch onto Ryan, either because they anticipated preferential treatment or because they genuinely enjoyed how he interceded for them with the judges, particularly Simon.  And Ryan was a young, good-looking guy, which Simon tried his best to make people forget about whenever the host was on-stage.

Simon’s attitude seemed to be as long as no one else considered Ryan a viable romantic option, the way was clear for him with the young man.  The attitude seemed remarkable to Randy, because the inference was Simon wasn’t too confident of himself after all.

In Randy’s opinion if Matt hadn’t been so physical with Ryan on-camera, he’d have made his passage a little easier with the judges.  But from the time the Hollywood show aired that had Matt bear-hugging Ryan, Simon had a frown on his face whenever the man was mentioned, at least sometimes it was a frown, most often it was a sneer. 

“We saw the show last night,” Simon had told to Randy, then he continued with Ryan, “and I never knew you to be so close with a contestant.”

Remembering what he’d seen and how it had struck him, Randy was also, “Yeah, Ryan.  That guy nearly broke you.”  Poor Ryan had been caught by surprise by the censure, but Randy didn’t know how much interaction the two men really had and how much trouble Matt would turn into. 

“Watch he doesn’t move in with you,” was Simon’s parting shot then he walked off towards the judge’s table, Randy following.

The weeks they were looking toward the top ten, Simon was salivating at the prospect of Matt’s elimination, and Randy bet the man had even taken up religion.

There couldn’t be anything to Matt and Ryan, not as a couple, but Simon was at best amused by that situation.

“He hates me,” is what Matt was apparently telling anyone who’d listen and whenever Simon got wind of it a big grin would appear on his face.

“Like kids in the sandbox,” Randy sighed to Paula.

“Like little boys fighting over the same toy,” she shot back at him, and perhaps her evaluation was more acute.

“He’s provoking me,” Simon told them both later, “and Ryan lets him.”

“I don’t know what you expect Ryan to do about him,” a weary Paula put in.  “He can’t cut him off at the knees.  And the guy’s never made a pass, you said so yourself.”

“You can’t let him get to you,” Randy told Simon.

He remembered once – well, more than once to be honest – telling his wife this show was just too dramatic, with all the drama going on with the egos involved, he’d just as soon stay home but the paycheck was too good.

Simon didn’t require physical restraint, but that vicious temper of his was walking a thin line for sure.  Randy was worried if a confrontation – in other words, a consulting session - with Matt was required to ensure the IDOL family remained a happy one.  Then again, they couldn’t make it too obvious, no one could flat-out state Simon and Ryan were a couple, even after so many guessed the truth of it.  But having the idea out there and having it confirmed were two different things in any court of law and didn’t Matt already know what he was stepping on?  It seemed the big man enjoyed pushing Simon’s buttons, and Ryan just as much enjoyed letting him.

It was weird, because as an item, Ryan and Simon were together as solid as they ever were.

“I think I’ll talk to Matt,” broached Paula, leaning over to whisper at Randy, “just to prevent Simon from crucifying him.”

“He’s straight, why is he all over him like that?” asked Simon, when they were on commercial break.  The mics were turned off now, so there was less reason to be paranoid about every word being uttered. 

Usually Simon would take off for a cig, but this time he lingered.  “It’s not professional; he shouldn’t be approaching the host that way, as if they have some special relationship.  It doesn’t look good for Ryan.”

Randy tried “He’s a touchy-feely guy, that Matt, and so is Ryan.  It’s up to Ryan to tell him to back off.”  Though he recalled well enough last season it wasn’t Ryan told guest judge Verdine hands off, it was Simon, and not being particularly diplomatic about it either, no matter what Simon claimed to the contrary.

It was hard for him and Paula working with these guys with their personal complications and demons and loyalties, really tough sometimes.

“Ryan doesn’t want people clawing at him,” declared Simon, “and Ryan can’t let himself be construed as rude and tell the man hands off.”

“What are you worried about?  Matt is straight, right?” reminded Randy.  Jeez, there had to be some rational thinking here. “He can’t be after Ryan; at worse, maybe he wants to get at you.  A lot of the contestants guess about you, he could be using Ryan to get back at you.”

“He doesn’t even know me.  Besides, this is Ryan we’re talking about,” declared Simon, as if Randy were a dunce in not seeing the obvious.

“I’m not getting it,” Paula surrendered, literally collapsing onto the table with her head held in her hands.  “Ryan’s pretty, but there’s lots of pretty in this town.”

The stage manager was resuming the countdown and they’d be back on camera in a minute.

“Straight guys like Ryan,” Simon assured them.

Randy objected, “I’m a straight guy.”

“Most straight guys will bend – if you will – when it comes to someone like Ryan.  He’s slim and he’s prettier than any girl.”

Paula snorted.

Okay, Randy could see what Simon was talking about.  Good thing Ryan was never sent to prison.  Those wide green eyes and chiseled cheekbones were the stuff women wanted from the plastic surgeon.  Of course, they wouldn’t want that broken nose of his, but he was a natural beauty, and maybe that’s another reason the older man was drawn to him.  If nothing else, at least Simon felt he had to remain on his toes, which was good for Ryan really.

Simon sighed, but Randy knew it wasn’t a gesture of contentment.  “Leave Matt alone; no one talk to him.  He’s not going to be around for long.”

“He’s top twelve,” objected Randy.  “Are you worried Ryan is interested in him?”  That seemed unlikely, as Randy knew how obsessed his co-workers were with each other, no way would the younger man start mooning over a contestant, especially one reputed to be straight.  Ryan was far too smart to let himself get caught in one of those ethical traps.  He might not be a judge, but the show’s host was scrupulous in maintaining his integrity.  Once Matt got the boot – and he was unlikely to prevail all the way to the final - Matt would find any relationship with Ryan to be an illusion.

Simon had to think about it.  “No, but he is Ryan’s type.  There was no one protecting him whilst he was growing up.  Matt makes like he’s protecting him.”

“Poor Ryan,” Paula was saying, not having missed a word when it came to true confessions, “he deserved better.”

As the competition continued however, “It’s like it’s them against the world,” and Simon was none too happy with that observation on the closeness of Ryan and the singer. 

For Randy, Matt Rogers was one of the singers whose personality was well-liked by everyone, except Simon who seemed to take issue with him. 

He’d never seen Cowell actively detesting anyone before, and it was a little weird in this situation, as it’s not as if Matt were a real threat to Simon’s status with Ryan. 

Matt was a good singer, maybe not a standout, but he had that likeability factor which gave a contestant an extra edge and he was maybe not boy band material, so certainly he wasn’t Simon’s type, as that’s what Cowell always said he was looking for, that commercial appeal.  Of course, that didn’t explain him backing Ruben last year.  So Simon didn’t play by his own rules as he could become infatuated with a talent so maybe idols came in all shapes and sizes, with Kelly having fit the wholesome mold, Ruben the teddy bear role, and neither of them providing the sex symbol material Simon was acutely on the lookout for.  

Maybe they didn’t do things right in England.  Because that guy that won the first Brit idol?  Man, but he tanked when he was over here.  That singer had a weak, uninteresting voice and his single was terrible.  He’d even lip-synched the thing when he took to the stage over here, and idols don’t lip-synch, at least not American idols.  When that guy was on-stage Randy wanted to turn to Simon and go “Dawg, what were you thinking?”  But they weren’t really friends then and so he let it slide.  With all the judges that first season, there’d been way too much tension already.  And he had the feeling Simon was looking at the British chosen one and noticed him lacking.

But there was something about Matt Rogers, and when Randy watched the tapes and saw how the man – younger than Ryan, but you wouldn’t think so to look at him – related to Ryan, as if they were best buddies or something, he could see how the familiarity between the two men was a little threatening, like Simon’s BEST FRIENDS FOREVER status was in jeopardy.

“Yo, Ryan,” called Randy, first chance he got to claim the lad’s attention, which was on Results night that week.

The night before Simon had given Matt a blistering review, sinking to a new low – in Randy’s opinion – and if Simon had any influence with the voters this would be the singer’s last night on the show. 

If Randy were honest, there was something about Ryan, that blond appeal, people gravitated to him.  Maybe it was Ryan’s normally sunny attitude, that brisk way of moving, as if excitement was going on somewhere in the world and certainly it was just around that corner.  Yeah, Ryan brought fun with him.  Excepting, of course, when the young man was in one of his darker moods, and those moods always seemed to trace back to Simon, and just like it was no one could be as vicious as a woman, well that woman best never meet up with Ryan.

“Wassup?” asked Ryan, having turned on a dime when his name was called. 

Ryan smiled at the other man, apparently at ease with being interrupted from whatever course he was on.  That’s why he liked Ryan, the young man could be strung taught as a wire on the inside, but he rarely let that show, being a pro to the core: worse, a pro with secrets.

They weren’t close friends, but at least they appreciated each other personally, never having a run-in and being what Ryan called “ego-free” which contrast referred to you-know-who and Paula, who had her good days and her bad days and her very, very bad days, and Simon could say the same.

“Damn, I remember the good old days,” and that was just last year, Randy was thinking as the other man frowned.

“Randy?” Ryan frowned over the non-sequitur.  “Did you want something?” Ryan asked patiently.

They were on the stage, the contestants were milling about before their run-thru, and Randy knew Ryan had a million other things to do.  Therefore Randy qualified his urgency with, “When you got a minute.”

“No, go ahead.”

“It’s about that contestant, Matt Rogers.”  He looked around, they weren’t being overheard.  “You’re not crossing a line with him?”

“What?”

“You know I wouldn’t get in your business.”

“Randy, he’s straight.”  Ryan smiled. “And, unlike Paula, I wouldn’t do that anyway.  Did you really care about this or are you here on Simon’s behalf?”

“No, Simon hasn’t said anything.”

Ryan grinned.  “Not that I doubt you or anything, but he seems a little jumpy.”

“Things aren’t straight between you.”

“Pardon the pun.  Well, Simon and I have a few problems, what couple doesn’t, still waters run deep and all that, and he’s going to have to face up to that.  Um, if that’s it?”

“Yeah man, thanks, sorry for bothering you.”

As the host disappeared in the phalanx of some producers, Randy moved over to the judges’ table.  He liked this place, it was him.  He’d been nominally successful, but nothing renowned until IDOL.  A respected bassist he’d never been on the list of the greats.  And even the best time of his life, with JOURNEY, he’d toured with them but wasn’t a noteworthy part of their record.  He wanted this place to reflect all their glory, him, Paula, Simon and Ryan, they were an on-air family, and like all families it worked sometimes, and sometimes it didn’t. 

Sitting back and putting his feet up, he decided to hang out a few, but as the contestants started eyeing him, he took a look at his watch and decided it was time for a break anyway, and he always partook of that in his dressing room.

He passed Simon’s trailer en route, and taking a chance on infuriating the volatile Brit, he rapped on the door.  Upon waiting a few seconds the door opened to a smoldering Simon.  “Oh,” said the resident, who thereupon stood back allowing the guest to enter.

“You sound disappointed.  I was about to have dinner.”

“Nothing for me; I’m ordering in later.”

He looked around, but the cig-in-hand Simon was the only one there.  “So where is everybody?”

“Terri will be along later.”

“Is that really working out?”

They settled into chairs opposite each other, the trailer’s occupant immediately stubbing out the old cigarette and lighting up a new one.  “Terri?  She’s terrific.  I don’t know what I’d do without her.  It’s really helpful when one’s professional girlfriend is one’s personal assistant.  I’m busier than I ever was, and she keeps a firm grasp on my schedule.” 

“This bearding thing, so it’s really working?”

“What are you saying, my American friend?”

Randy sighed.  “I talked to Ryan, he and Matt Rogers don’t have anything going on.”

“Who?”

The look on Cowell’s face might have been genuine, only Randy knew it wasn’t, so Simon’s particular game to play this day was to fake him out.  True, Simon had a short-term memory for faces and voices, except those making a particular impression, and that usually involved a dollar sign.  But Randy had seen enough to know the underlying animosity between Matt and Simon would have meant the man was well-known to him, even if Simon hadn’t discussed his derision for the man.  In fact, Randy wouldn’t be surprised if Simon was practicing the black arts in an effort to take him out.

“Yeah, don’t tell me that, Cowell, I know you too well.  Listen, according to Ryan, Matt is straight.”  Of course Simon already thought so.

“And how does Ryan know that?”

That was a good question.  To deflect the suspicion, Randy teased, “Now I thought you guys could always tell.”

“You are not required to negotiate anything as Ryan and I are not broken up.  We were together last night, in fact, and have plans for after the show.  We may not be your average couple, but there’s nothing average about us anyway, and it’s amazingly easy for us to be carrying on an affair.”

“Look, you guys are entitled to be together or not, but sometimes things are a little too uncomfortable on this show and people are talking.”

Simon pointed out between puffs of smoke, “People are always talking.”

“Ryan isn’t talking, but if you don’t apologize properly you’ll never get him back.”

“Matt Rogers.”

“Forget Matt Rogers.”

“He’s Ryan’s type, though.”

Suddenly it struck Randy.  “This is nothing to do with Matt, is it?”

“Lots of straight men are attracted to lithe, pretty men, I told you so.  Even I’ve had some encounters, when I was younger, I was pretty enough.”

“Well, I’ll give you the fact Ryan is a looker, but that doesn’t mean all straight men are attracted to him, ‘cause I sure as hell am not.”

“It’s an opposites attract thing for Ryan, for all his independence and strength of mind, he needs to feel protected.  I told you, he never had that growing up.  I think his father was pretty useless, and he’s an only son.  He needed a big brother or an uncle, someone to take the place of his father.  He hooked up with anyone who was nice to him.”

Yeah, Randy had already heard all the insinuations about Merv Griffin, and he might have been sold on the talk if he’d never met Ryan, but having known him Randy also knew that guys who sold their asses didn’t work as hard as Ryan.  There probably was a part of Merv that wanted Ryan, probably also a part that wished he were his son.  Ryan mentioned Merv now and then, but only in the context of a role model.  If Ryan gave anything up, it was willingly, and he likely wasn’t passed around.

Though he played the dumb blond on the show – or used to – Ryan was anything but, a natural blond or dumb.

“I guess that’s why he’s so attached to his mom.  Ryan likes settled,” Randy argued, “and he doesn’t seem the type to screw around.  If he were going to do that, he’d have done it while you were in London or something.  Anyway, I thought you two were in love, I mean that’s why you’re putting the rest of us through this I’ve got a secret love and all that shit.” 

Certainly Simon was in love; he remembered how happy the two men were last season on the show.  Simon could barely keep his eyes off Ryan, he was such a contented cat he was purring all season long, and the man had to be stopped from staring all the time at Ryan.  Every now and then Paula would jostle his elbow, to ensure his attention wasn’t always upon the host of the show.  The two men had even been advised to increase their bantering, to continue those smart remarks to each other, to deflect suspicion, but the only thing Simon could come up with was insulting Ryan’s clothes, and he even gave that option a pass most of the time. 

This season, the insults were recycled, and the way it was said lacked any bite. 

Man, they talked about how women glowed when they were pregnant or in love, and damn but Simon wasn’t glowing enough to shame the spotlight and even Ryan had announced to him and Paula he’d never been so happy in his life. Ryan and Simon went to work, went to bed, went to work, went to bed, and in-between they managed to talk a lot.  Two peas in a pod, was Randy’s judgment at the time and it hadn’t changed. 

He wondered if they were manufacturing a drama if only to keep things interesting.

Simon confessed, “I think I can let him go and it won’t bother me.  I tell myself there are other men out there but I hate not being with him, not hearing what he might say, not knowing how he’s going to surprise me every day.  Oh God, and I hate it when anybody touches him, even if they’re only looking at him, and all of America is looking at him, so they have to know, he’s hands off, he’s the untouchable one.” 

Simon concluded on a sigh, “So there’s my insecurity in a nutshell.”

Wow, that was hot.  Of course, Randy hadn’t thought to ask.  This was all about life on IDOL and life separate from IDOL and these two guys made it very complicated.

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t be in the closet,” were the surprising words out of his mouth.  “Maybe it’s just too much complication where you two are concerned.  I mean, it’s just one more layer of trouble.”

“It wouldn’t work,” Simon sighed, stubbing out the last of his cigarette.  “May I remind you there are two gay men on this show?  Whether or not we’re together, it seems the main demographic for this show is those opinionated, sheltered Bible-thumping Americans who give Americans a bad name.”  Vitriol used up for the moment, Simon concluded, “So much for the land of the free.”

“I’m thinking this official girlfriend can’t make it any easier.  You and Ryan together are just so damn complicated.”

Simon whimpered, “But last year was the happiest of his life, that’s what he said,” as if there were witnesses he could produce if it were necessary, and there were.

“So why the attitude this year?” 

Randy was recalling the cookies, and the fat talk and how Simon was always finding fault with Ryan, turning every little offense into something momentous.

If Ryan was wearing REEBOK, Simon would say it should be NIKE, if Ryan lightened his hair, Simon would say it illuminated the absence of his brain, and when Ryan spoke precisely, Simon would say it was like conversing with a robot. 

God knows what it was like in the bedroom between these two, using words like whips.

“Does Ryan still wear jewelry?”  The Ryan of earlier days did, but he’d been cautioned against it, Randy assumed, since jewelry was an effeminate affectation. 

“No, he was warned off that.  Jewelry is strictly a West Hollywood thing.  Merv Griffin gave him a platinum bracelet and it’s in a safe somewhere.”

“That talk show of his,” Simon was saying, “the ratings aren’t good.  I’ll be going on it again, that makes it easier for him.  But I don’t expect it to last, and that’ll break his heart, that means only IDOL has been a television success for him.  Of course he still has the radio show; he’s been a big success there.”

“That would be enough for most people.”

“He needs something more than IDOL, but he always has something to prove, and he pushes himself too hard.”

During the show, Ryan was pointing out for all Simon’s wealth and fame and the luxurious abode he had to call his own, Simon was looking more miserable than ever.

Shortly, Matt was voted off by the public, which was a relief only because the bizarre triangle with Ryan at the center of it was now over. 

Randy knew Simon was out of line taking such an exception to a contestant’s familiarity with his boyfriend, it’s not as if there was a serious rival for Ryan’s affections, and it made him wonder Simon’s stability in relationships.  What if the two men couldn’t make it work?  What if Ryan and Simon had to continue with the show even though they were no longer a couple?  Imagine any divorced couple forced to work together.  With the ammunition they had against each other the show would implode.  Though they managed to keep their relationship a secret now, they’d do something to blow it for sure – blow it for everyone – if their longevity were tested.

As the contestants continued to be narrowed by the voting process, Simon was needling both the singers and the host.

“I vote we vote off the host,” Randy swore he heard more than once. 

In the critiques, Randy joined with Paula in lambasting Simon’s, or with Simon in lambasting Paula’s brand of sense.

Off the show, when he hung out with the other three, Randy most often stood with Simon, being the guy was his fellow judge and all.

The three of them started hanging out, news his wife first took with surprise.  But Simon had been “Terri can’t be with us all the time, and we need a third person to deflect suspicion,” and Randy agreed, especially when Erika gave her consent given she couldn’t see how much trouble her husband could get into hanging out with two gay men.

But Randy fell into the pattern of being companion and then confidant and he found himself in the weird position of trying to protect the men without becoming too much of a liar.

It was actually more difficult on the show, as sometimes Simon seemed to cross some line Randy didn’t understand, like when Simon seemed to insult his lover so casually.  Hell, if he did that to his wife, she’d kill him.  There was a distinct lack of respect going on here, but Ryan was good-natured about it.

“Stop being facetious, Ryan,” Simon would say, with Randy chiming in, “Yeah, Ryan.”

Of course, after a while Randy realized when Simon was stuck for an answer he’d turn on Ryan, “You’re being precocious; you’re showing off,” and other statements were made to keep Ryan in line and divert suspicion from himself and the audience seemed to enjoy it.

“Why do you take that?” Randy asked Ryan when they had a brief moment alone.

“Take what?” Ryan asked, genuinely puzzled. 

“The way he talks to you.”

“He’s only looking out for me.” 

They left it at that, and Randy read interviews where Simon likened Ryan to some pathetic creature.

“I’m glad you don’t love me like that,” Erika told him after reading one of the articles.

He noticed how he rarely got a mention, at least Simon was never asked about him or brought him up, it was always about Paula or Ryan, but that was all right, maybe he was better off if he fell a bit below the radar.  He didn’t require the sensationalism the others craved.  Unlike them, he had a happy marriage and loving kids.  All they had was the fame and the paychecks.

“Simon, why are you always in such a bad mood?” Ryan would frequently ask.

“Right on, Ryan!” Randy would toss in, totally with Ryan in getting at their tense judge.

Naturally Simon denied the inference with a “I’m not, I’m just not as easily satisfied as these two to my right!” about the performances of the night he’d find wanting.  “And America knows I’m right.”

“So declares the child,” Ryan would respond, moving on with the introduction of the next contestant.

The audience would be confused, wanting to support Simon as their appointed judge-jury-executioner, but emotionally siding with Ryan.

“Bloody sheep,” Simon would refer to them as, otherwise cheerfully signing autographs and posing for pictures.  “Never forget without them you have nothing,” he would remind contestants.  He’d once been offended by contestants who left their fans in the dust.

Every time they went anywhere together that season, Ryan would cheerfully inform Simon he wasn’t allowed to smoke until Simon told him to shut up. 

As if part of his job description, Ryan would purchase magazines and snacks he thought Simon would like, bringing them with him to the studio and leaving them in Simon’s dressing room for the judge to find when he showed up for work.

It seemed to Randy Ryan had a part-time job keeping Simon informed the latest slang and trends and also he translated the American English the Brit sometimes stumbled over. 

Needless to say Ryan was also a techno-geek and though Simon wouldn’t still be using a princess style phone in this day and age, it was Ryan kept Simon up to date on the latest advances. 

Simon gloated Ryan was more than a “toy boy” but had to explain the song reference to Randy, who usually kept up on music but had missed that Simon-affiliated British hit.

Towards the end of the season, when summer weather had hit the West Coast, Randy’s jaw dropped when Simon told him he spent part of Sunday on the beach with Ryan watching the younger man surf.  “Huh?”  Then Randy recalled Ryan had been doing a spot of surfing in Hawaii when that was an audition city.

There were other times Randy didn’t know how they stood each other, as the intensity between them was enough to cause injury.

Whenever the host engaged the judges on the show Randy paid attention and didn’t Ryan sometimes call into question Simon’s self-proclaimed integrity or at least his judgment?   “Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!” Randy always applauded the fact-seeking host’s efforts to cut the superior-minded Simon off at the knees.

Except one time Ryan was shot down by an effective Simon observation, “You don’t have enough brain cells to know what integrity means, so return to your hosting job, Ryan, since that doesn’t require brains or talent and you’re sorely lacking in either.”

As Ryan smiled ruefully from the stage, Randy heard the audience reaction behind him.  Certainly they knew Simon had gone too far, but they seemed to accept it, as they always did.  Not for the first time Randy wondered if it was because Simon was a foreigner they enjoyed his bad humor, because Randy knew he couldn’t put down the show’s host like that and still have a job to return to.

He wondered which of the two men was being paddled tonight in the bedroom, because someone certainly was.  Paula always had it that Simon was the one getting paddled, but Randy wasn’t too sure.

If nothing else, it was enough for the audience to take their spat – real or staged – at face value and put their own connotation to it.  Of course he had friends sometimes ask him if the men were a couple; the chemistry between them was evident.  But others saw chemistry in Paula with Simon, but none of those people suspected Simon was gay.

For some reason, people wanted Simon paired up with someone, and he’d dragged out the girlfriend, but no one seemed to care about her.  That exotic beauty he’d brought back from England wasn’t that tantalizing a prospect to Simon’s fans, not against the exotic beauty of Paula or the all-American-boy prospect of Ryan.  These were the people they were more familiar with, after all.

Hell, when they were on their own as a twosome, it was difficult enough to watch and not come to an obvious conclusion.

Randy watched Simon’s appearance on Ryan’s show - just in case he got a mention, of course - and was flabbergasted at the license Simon took, the way he interacted with the young man, seeking physical contact all the time.  Ryan, in contrast, was aloof, nothing about him giving the game away, but Simon was like that boy with his favorite toy and not being too subtle about it. 

As well, Randy imagined post-show the men were on a countdown to twenty minutes of privacy, but the visual that came to mind he never held onto for long.  “Oh, God,” as Paula would groan, “T.M.I.,” as in too much information.

“Ryan dresses great,” he told Simon on the phone, checking in after that television appearance, “stop teasing him about it.”

“You are not one to talk,” declared Simon.

Randy didn’t shoot back the obvious, since it was so overdone, but the Brit was no fashion-plate.  Instead he thought on how out of all of them, Paula had the best style, but Ryan had that youthful California thing down.

It was an odd group of people he was part of.

 THE END