Work Text:
The Dead Ziva Sketch based (loosely on Monty Python)
by JustJeanette
A Door opens. [The Death March Slowly Plays]
Eli David appears silently from a dark back room as Tony DiNozzo strides into Mossad HQ dragging a trolley behind him. In the trolley stands Ziva David, apparently held in place mounted on a Marine M-40A1 Sniper Rifle -- close inspection indicated is loaded with hand-loaded Lapua
boat tail, full metal jacket, moly-coated bullets.
Eli David tries to sneak out of the building (unsuccessfully).
Tony: Ah Eli David, just the Mossad Control Officer to whom I wish to speak to. I would like to register a complaint.
Eli David: What do you mean "a complaint"?
Tony: I wish to complain about this "Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model" that I bought from this shop not half an hour ago.
Eli David: Ah yes; Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model; a very good specimen I might add. What's wrong with it?
Tony: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's *dead*, that's what's wrong with it!
Eli David: Oh no, Mr DiNozzo, it's just resting. Look!
Eli David surreptitiously orders an underling to rock the trolley -
(Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model does not move)
Tony: Look, Eli David, I know a dead Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model when I see one and I'm looking at one right *now*.
Eli David: No, no, Mr DiNozzo, it's not dead; it's just resting.
Tony: *Resting*?
Eli David: Yes, remarkable this Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model, the Ziva David Model. Far outsells the *Caitlin Todd* model; wish I had more in stock. Great kick-ass potential there; and such a sexy figure? Skilled at Assassinations too, perfect for your Terrorist Roast and Afters.
Tony: The kick-ass potential doesn't enter into it - it's stone dead!
Eli David: No, no, it's just resting.
Tony: All right then, if he's resting I'll wake it up. (*Shouts at the impaled corpse*) Hello, Ziva, I have got Michael Rivkin, bound and gagged here for you!
Eli David: (*Jogging the impaled corpse *) There, it moved!
Tony: No, it didn't. That was you pushing the impaled corpse!
Eli David: I did not!
Tony: Did too!
Eli David: Did not!
(This goes on for some time until Gibbs sneaks in and whacks Eli David upside the head).
Tony: Yes, you did. (*picks Ziva up, shouts*) Hello, Ziva, Ziver, old girl (*bangs the corpse against counter*) Ziva, wake up, ninja chick (*throws Ziva in the air and lets her fall to the floor) Now *that's* what I call a dead Kick-ass female wet dream.
Eli David: No, no, you've stunned it now.
Tony: Eli David I couldn't stun it if I Abby Sciuto in here locked in the throws of passion with McGeek.
(Eli David looks very ill at the imagined scene.)
Tony: Look, Eli David, I've just about had enough of this. This Kick-ass female wet dream is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not over half an hour ago, you assured me that her lack of movement was due to it being tired out after an all night session disobeying Gibbs' orders.
Eli David: She's probably planning to ignore orders even now.
Tony: Ignore orders? It couldn't plan ignore an order if you shot 50 000 tracer rounds up its rear end; as I will now demonstrate!
(Massive explosion and scene cuts to a smoking Kick-ass female wet dream now carrying a sign saying "Ouch!".)
Tony: See! And how is it going to "ignore an order" flat on its back? Which is how I found it not two moments after I got it back to the NCIS.
Eli David: The Ziva David Model prefers kipping on its back. Wonderful Kick-ass potential there, and as for *interrogations*, well this model could outlast interrogate Gibbs it with his eyes closed.
Tony: The Kick-ass potential still doesn't enter into it; in fact it's so dead it couldn't interrogate Agent Lee let alone anything useful. Now stop changing the subject. Look, (*turns Ziva over*) I took the liberty of examining that Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place, is that it had been nailed to that Trolley.
Eli David: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, she would muscle up and *voom*! You'd be knocked down in no time....
Tony: Look, Eli David (*picks up a very stiff Ziva*) this Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model wouldn't *voom* even if I gave her a bound suspect that irritated her to question. (*Proceeds to do precisely that, with absolutely #no# response from Ziva). She's bleeding #*demised*#!
Eli David: She's not, she's pining for the old days!
Tony: Pining for the old days! She's bleeding demised! She's passed on. This Kick-ass female wet dream, Ziva David Model is no more. She has ceased to be. She's a stiff. Bereft of life, she rests in peace (*Tony/Gibbs shippers are heard in the background, cheering*). If you hadn't nailed her to this Trolley (good move by the way), she would be pushing up the daisies. She's brought down the curtain and joined the choir ghostly. This is an *ex- Kick-ass female wet dream*.
Eli David: Well, all right, all right; but I thought you liked your Kick-ass female wet dream dead; still I'd better replace her, then.
Tony: Dead no; apparently gone, yes; lulls those foolish het shippers into a false sense of security.
Eli David: Um, the thing is I don't actually have a replacement Kick-ass female wet dream in stock.
Tony: I see. I see. (Tony prepares to quote Movie Trivia).
Eli David: No need for that, I get the picture, Gov'ner! I think I have just the thing that will serve all your needs very nicely. (Returns from the back room with Gibbs in tow) Seems some bloody director's have caused him a bit of grief, otherwise, he's ready to go.
^_~ JustJeanette