Work Text:
Gradual Epiphany
by Scorpio
Turning the corner into the next hallway, Larry was just in time to see Xander Harris and Cordelia Chase leave the Library together. He was too far away to hear what she said to him, but from the expression on her face Larry could tell it was something nasty. He almost winced in sympathy for Xander, but didn't. After all, Xander had brought this down on himself by dating that shrill harpy.
With a sigh, Larry leaned against the wall and braced himself to watch another hissing argument between the guy he was crushing on and his ex-girlfriend. To his surprise and amusement, Xander didn't take Cordelia's bait. Instead, the dark haired boy merely looked at her for a long moment and then walked away from her. Cordelia was left standing there with a confused look on her face as she shrieked empty demands into the air. Xander never turned around to look at her, he just kept walking away.
Inside, Larry was excited and confused and relieved all at once. As far as he was concerned, this was a good thing. That bitch had had her claws in Xander for far too long and Larry couldn't see any good come out of their relationship. That Xander was finally standing up to her...or simply for
himself to anyone, was a positive sign. He wasn't so romantic to believe that Xander would suddenly declare his love for Larry and fall into his arms, but he was romantic enough to believe that maybe this was his chance to return the favor that Xander had done for him almost one year ago when the dark haired boy had helped him find the inner strength to come out of the closet and find peace with himself and his sexuality.
As Xander walked passed him, Larry smiled and pushed himself off of the wall. A few quickly jogged steps and he was walking next to him. Xander turned his head slightly and offered a mildly cocky grin which was, in Larry's opinion, a thing of beauty. So much sexier than the normal "please be nice to me and don't hurt me" begging smile that Xander normally wore.
"Hey man. Buy you a Coke in the student lounge before next class?"
Xander's smile widened even more and he reached out to lightly thump one hand against Larry's shoulder in a friendly gesture even as he turned and led them both towards the student lounge. "Sure Larry. Best offer I had all day."
Larry smirked and let loose with a bark of laughter. He could believe that. After all, he knew Xander's friends. Most of them were nice people if you didn't count Cordelia the Bitch, but Larry had noticed that things had been rather tense between Xander and his friends lately. Larry noticed a lot of things about Xander. One could almost say that Larry had made a habit of studying Xander from afar ever since he'd fallen for the boy. At first, in the time before Xander had helped him to come out as gay, those intense feelings had made Larry angry and confused and frustrated. A bully, so to speak. Once he had accepted who and what he was, he had channeled his energy into learning everything he could about his crush instead of merely trying to beat him up.
Together, they walked into the student lounge and Larry made his way over to the soda machines. Pulling a dollar out of his pocket, he slid it into the money slot and pushed the button for a Coke. A cold soda can and two quarters fell from the machine. Putting the two quarters back in, he hit the button for a second Coke. Grabbing both sodas, Larry turned and walked over to the battered sofa that Xander was lounging on and handed one over.
For a long moment, Larry just sat and watched Xander drink his soda, but then he sighed and made a strangely vague gesture with the hand holding his own drink. "So...what's up with you and the Bitch Queen," Larry smirked at Xander, "Um, I mean, May Queen. You two on the outs?" He quickly took a sip of his soda before he said anything more.
Xander gave him a flat stare for a moment but then he sighed and seemed to deflate a bit and nodded. "Uh, yeah. Big breakup. Big *ugly* breakup. Which sucks...but I wish she would just step back a second and stop rubbing salt in the wounds, you know?"
Larry nodded. He knew all about girls like Cordelia Chase and he truly believed that they were just another of the many reasons to be thankful for being a gay man. "Yeah, I can see her doing the whole vindictive harpy thing and enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, Cordy cleans up nice and all but deep down she's a cold hearted bitch." That earned an amused snort from Xander and Larry watched him for a moment before adding, "What I don't understand is why the rest of your friends aren't happier about it. I mean, I always thought that they didn't like her Highness very much, but they've been a bit...um..." Larry trailed off. He didn't know how to say that he'd noticed that Xander's friends had been a little distant and odd lately without admitting that he paid a lot of attention to Xander's life.
Xander didn't seem to notice his stalkerish habits though. He just nodded and sighed sadly. "Yeah. Well, I can't really blame them even if it's not really that fair. You see, Cordy sort of caught me in a compromising position with Willow. The gang was not very understanding about me doing the whole cheating thing." A bitter look crossed his face at that point. "Although they forgave Willow a whole lot faster and easier than me and she *was* there and a part of the whole mess."
He shook off his bitterness and a blank expression replaced the bleak emotion. "Oz has pretty much forgiven her although he doesn't like it when I'm around too much. Things are still a bit weird with me and Wills and I don't know how long it'll be until she feels comfortable around me again. And Cordy...well, she goes out of her way to make my life miserable."
Larry nodded and took another sip of his soda even as he made a gesture for Xander to continue.
"The weird thing is, they've been so busy pushing me away that I've finally figured out that I don't need them. I mean, I've always sort of known that they didn't need me, that they just let me hang around as long as I didn't cause any trouble. Then when things got tough, they pushed me aside with all these excuses. Willow and Buffy were nice about it and claimed they didn't want me to get hurt. Cordelia was much more honest and brutal. She told me I was useless and a total waste of space. She said I wasn't needed, but hey! It was the useless guy here that saved Faith and stopped the zombie squad, so go me."
Larry had no clue what the hell Xander was talking about. Saved faith? Zombie squad? His confusion must have been evident on his face because Xander grinned and waved his hand as if to brush away smoke and shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Not important. The big thing is, I realized that just because I *like* them, it doesn't mean that I *need* them. You know?"
And Larry nodded and smiled widely.
"Yeah, I do. I mean, when I first came out as gay it was the same thing. I had kept it all inside out of fear of how everyone would react to the news. Would they hate me? Would they tease me? Would they understand? Then, I suddenly realized that it didn't matter. I *wanted* their approval, but I didn't *need* it."
Then Larry gave Xander a pointed and serious look even as he poked him lightly in the chest. "Maybe this is what you need to make some changes in your own life. To, you know, push past all those things that are keeping you back from being true to yourself."
A confused look washed over Xander's face. "Um...what are you talking about?"
Larry sighed an aggrieved sigh, but it was mostly faked. "I'm talking about this river of denial that you insist on drowning yourself in. Last year you came *so* close to coming out of the closet with me and then at the last minute you chickened out and refused to do it." Larry ignored the fact that
Xander looked mildly panicked and was shaking his head no. "Face facts Harris, you show all the symptoms of a gay man pretending to be straight. All of your friends are girls. You ignored Willow and her crush on you for *years* man. *Years*. Then, you go after Buffy...because she was safe."
Xander choked. "Buffy? Safe?"
Larry nodded and pointed at Xander. "Exactly. She was safe because she already *had* a boyfriend and would always turn you down, man. She was also a friend, so she wouldn't be snotty about it. However, it's the friend thing that backfired on you. Afraid that things would get too weird with her, you turned your attentions to Cordelia. And Xan...I've known you since the third grade dude, you've *always* hated Cordelia. Liking her was *Jesse's* thing."
Xander was just gaping at him, so Larry smirked and continued. "Cordelia had always turned Jesse down since forever, so I guess you figured that she was safe as well. However, you didn't count on Buffy including Cordelia in your group of friends to accommodate your sudden crush, did you? Then *bam*, you found yourself with a girlfriend that you didn't want so you sabotage that relationship with Willow...the girl whose crush you ignored for years. Of course, she was now safe with her own boyfriend, so you knew that nothing would come of that in any real way. At least on a subconscious level."
Xander sputtered and looked like he was about to either run away or throw up. "But...but...I'm *not* gay!"
Larry just let one eyebrow raise up in an eloquent statement of doubt. "Dude, it's a scary thing to admit...even to one's own self. I get that. I do. And I think that if you just stop and really look deep inside you'll see what I do. You'll also see that you really *have* been screwing up your own relationships because there is something missing from them. I know you Xan and I know that you weren't happy with Cordelia. At first it was probably pretty exciting to have something that you never thought you would, but the shiny rubbed off on that real quick, didn't it?"
With a sigh, Xander tossed his empty soda can into the recycle bin and shook his head. "But, Larry. I'm not gay. In fact, I had sex with a girl last night. I'm talking a gorgeous dark eyed beauty and real sex."
A flash of pain lanced through Larry's chest and he bit back the instant thought that it should have been *him* having sex with Xander last night. Instead, he stood up and tossed his own empty can away and picked up his backpack full of books before turning to look Xander right in the eyes.
"Yeah, okay. But tell me this; was it any good? Or was there something missing? Did you like it? Or did you walk away feeling like there should have been something more?"
Xander didn't answer. Instead, his jaw worked silently as he searched for an answer. Larry merely smirked and nodded as if he had expected that. "See? Now, stop and think about this. Haven't you ever found a guy to be hot? The way he walks and the way he moves? Maybe it was his broad shoulders that caught your eye or his heavy rippling muscles as they bunched and flexed?"
Xander still didn't answer, but his mouth had snapped closed and a light flush tinted his cheeks even as he gazed down in guilty embarrassment. Larry felt a touch smug. Xander's actions spoke louder than words and were proof positive that at one point or another, Xander had indeed found some man to be sexy and attractive. However, he also knew that feeling shame about it and as if he was alone and strange because of it was a horrible and terrible thing. Larry had lived like that for years before Xander gave him the strength and encouragement to come out.
Reaching out, Larry cupped one hand under Xander's chin and tipped his head up again even as he smiled softly at him. "Hey. No pouting. This *isn't* a bad thing, Xan. Welcome to the men-are-hot club, we hope you enjoy your stay." That earned him a small smile even as the bell for next class rang. Wrapping his arm around Xander's shoulders, Larry led him out of the student lounge and back into the hallway. "Come on, we've got to get to class. Just...remember that if you ever need to talk about it or anything else that I've got your back. Okay?"
Xander offered up a wobbly smile and nodded at him. Larry gave his shoulders a brief squeeze and then let go. Xander gave him a tiny wave and then tucked his hands into his pants pockets and walked off down the hall. For a long moment, Larry just watched him go and then he turned and walked away in the opposite direction.
END: Gradual Epiphany
[scorpiofic@aol.com]
http://members.tripod.com/sentinel-cat/Scorpio