Work Text:
Choices
By Ratwoman
ratwoman02@yahoo.de
Today was the second time I feigned my own death.
The boy will blame the cat, most certainly.
Here, in the Forbidden Forest no one will find me, even though I returned to my human form this night. That I hope. I have to take on my human shape from time to time, lest I forget what I am. Who I am.
Padfoot is out to kill me. How did it come to this?
*
I knew Sirius long before any of the rest of the clique; we both grew up in London, a few houses apart from one another. I met him for the first time when we were about five; he shot blue ink through a water pistol at me, staining my clothes, and I had the choice: pretend that I find it funny and laugh or tell him off. He was bigger and stronger than I, so I decided to laugh.
This choice made Sirius my new friend. My parents did not like Sirius at first because all of his family were Slytherins, but when he said he wanted to be a Gryffindor they changed their minds.
At first I admired him immensely. He was so strong and brave and beautiful. Then I found out that I could easily manipulate him. I only needed to pretend to be the poor little weak Peter and that I needed his protection, and he would do anything for me.
Then came the day we were send to Hogwarts.
I remember the train ride as if it was yesterday. Sirius, pretty and out-going, made friends with two other boys, James and Remus. I benefited from Sirius drawing people to him like moths are drawn to a flame. I got their friendship because Sirius was my friend. Back then I thought that was enough.
The Sorting.... My mother was a Hufflepuff and my father a Gryffindor, I expected to be sorted into one of these houses. When I saw that Sirius and Remus were both sorted into Gryffindor, my expectation grew into anxiety: I desperately wanted to be sorted into the same house.
I shivered with nervousness as I crossed the long hall to sit on the chair. I had to climb onto the stool because I was one of the smallest children of the year.
Then I heard the Sorting Hat's voice in my head:
"Hmm, you're ambitious and cunning, Slytherin qualities." it said.
"NO!" I screamed inwardly, "NOT SLYTHERIN." I knew Sirius would break up with me if I was sorted into that house; he hated Slytherins, he wanted to be different from his family.
"Not Slytherin you say?" the Hat answered. "Hmm, there also is a lot of fire in you, but you wouldn't use it in the selfless bravery that is so typical for Gryffindors."
"I would!" I swore and I begged. "I would, believe me!"
The Hat chuckled slightly. "OK, then, but I think you would have done well in Slytherin." Aloud he called: "GRYFFINDOR!"
Immense relief washed through me. I would not be separated from my friends.
Sometimes I wonder how my life would have been if I had not talked the Sorting Hat out of putting me into Slytherin.
Would I have been Sirius chosen enemy instead of Snape?
Sirius hated Slytherins because he hated his family. I did not think them so bad - I spend most of my childhood in the Black's house, because at home only beatings expected me. The Black's house was gloomy and his mother had a strange sense of humor, but as far as I know he and Regulus were never beaten. But Sirius always fought his parents, rebelled against their views. In his oppinion, being a Slytherin automaticly meant being evil, and being a Gryffindor being noble. I knew better, I had my father as an example for a nasty Gryffindor. Or is it a sign of nobleness that he literally tried to beat Gryffindor qualities into me?
Sirius was out to make enemies with the Slytherins from the start, and he picked out one boy who was notorious for knowing lots of dark curses. I wonder whether Snape's reputation was not quite a bit exaggerated.
I did not think Snape was so bad, but I never said a word when Sirius, James and Remus vexed him. Instead I helped them to prepare all their pranks, even cheered them on, both the funny pranks and the cruel ones. And some of their "jokes" were cruel, at least the ones they played on Snape. It's a miracle that Snape made friends with Remus despite it all.
But before that happened we came behind Moony's secret.
Sirius, James, Remus and I shared a dormitory, so it was unavoidable that we noticed sooner or later that Remus was sick once a month. Always at full moon. James finally decided to confront him with that.
I hated James, by the way. Before he came, I was Sirius' best friend, now I was suddenly replaced by James, degraded to number two. James had taken away my beautiful Sirius and I loathed him for that. I never showed, I always pretended to like him, so that I would not completely lose Sirius' affection.
I did not hate Remus, he was always nice and friendly to me, and he was not so close to Sirius to stand between us. So when James one evening asked casually: "Remus, are you a werewolf?" I was ready to defend Remus if James would have judged him for what he was.
Being judged and dropped was exactly what Remus expected from us; I could see the fear in his eyes as he looked up to answer James' question. Yet he never attempted to deny it.
"Yes, since I was four years old." he whispered. Then he told us about the precautions Dumbledore had taken to protect the students from him. We listened silently, never judging, showing that we cared. This encouraged him to become even more open and he told us about the pains of the transformation, about the insatiable greed and hunger of a werewolf and that he bit himself in the full moon nights in desperation. He cried and we hugged him, reassuring him that we liked him despite what he was and that we'd always be there for him. In the back of my head, a small nagging voice told me that James, Remus and Sirius would never have been as understanding towards me if I was sorted into Slytherin as they were towards the werewolf.
A few days later Sirius and James came to me with the idea of becoming animagi for Remus. His bloodthirst was restricted to humans, so if we spend the full moons with him in animal form he would not hurt us but we could prevent him from hurting himself.
I thought about the dangers of becoming an animagus; a lot of wizards who had attempted it found themselves caught between their animal and their human form; that was why the ministry had put so many restrictions on it.
I waged the dangers with what it would mean to Remus; after all we were friends. But I think what convinced me was the fact that James said he could understand if I thought it was too dangerous; after all, I only had an A in transformation while James and Sirius had an O. That was a challenge, I had at least to try it and show them all that "poor little Peter" was no squib.
It was mostly ambition that determined my choice to become an animagus.
*
It's nearly full moon. Guess in a few days Moony will transform, confined to the Shrieking Shack.
*
It took us a year's practice until we could transform into animals. The animagus cannot choose the animal he transforms into, it's rather the magic that chooses an animal that fits best to the wizard's character. James transformed into a stag, Sirius into a dog, and I - a rat!
I was angry and disappointed at first, after all who would want to be a rat? I found out later that being a rodent had many benefits.
*
The years at Hogwarts passed in a twinkling. We spend our days and most of the nights with pranks and the full moon nights strolling the grounds in animal form.
One evening in year six is especially clear in my mind. Remus had already befriended Snape, much to James' and Sirius' disapprovement. It was after Lily Evans had broken up with Snape. Maybe Remus felt sorry Snape? No, I think it was more than that...
We were sitting at a table in the common room learning for our exams when Sirius in frustration slammed shut his history book.
"I can never remember those facts!" he said, pouting. He looked more beautiful each year. His soft, black hair was almost waist length, his grey eyes were framed by nearly girlish whimpers, and his body was strong and athletic. It was the time when I started having dirty thoughts about him; and suspecting James that he had more than just thoughts.
"History is something you simply have to learn." I answered, shrugging. "Other than charms..." Charms really frustrated me, I could learn as long as I wanted, I never got them right. Same for Divination, Potions, Quidditch... In most of the other subjects I was somewhere in the middle of class, but never at the top. "The only thing I'm really good at is transfiguration," I said in frustration.
"Oh, that's not true," Remus said in his friendly manner. "You've been really good at DADA this year."
"Yeah," I said wearily, "that's because I studied the Dark Arts in my free time."
My friends stared at me for a moment, then started laughing at the joke. If they only knew that I was telling the truth...
Another truth was that being with my friends started to weary me out. I was just "poor little Peter" for everyone, the small boy who run after Prongs and Padfoot, the typical hanger-on to a popular clique. But what else could I do? Who'd accept me as a friend? The other Gryffindors? No, they spend their time admiring Sirius and James, if they talked to me then only because it might bring them closer to their idols. The Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs? The Slytherins? No chance.
My eyes travelled to Remus and I envied him; envied him that he had against all odds made friends with a Slytherin, with someone outside our clique. He could easily break out if he wanted to.
A decision formed in my mind to separate Moony and Snape; Moony shouldn't have the freedom I didn't. I just did not know yet how.
*
I used Sirius. I still could manipulate him; not as easily as when we were children, but still...
I told him that I knew that there was more between Remus and Severus - it was true, I had seen them snogging when they had thought they were alone in an empty hallway.
I told Sirius that I think that Snape will only hurt Remus. Sirius was easily convinced, after all Snape was his sworn enemy. I told him that Remus will run into his ruin if no one protected him. Sirius is very keen on protecting people, I guess it makes him feel stronger.
I was surprised about the extreme measures Sirius took. Snape could have died if James had not come to save him.
Sirius knew no limits, never stopped to think about the consequences of what he was doing.
Not that I have foreseen the consequences of all of my choices.
The Shrieking Shack incident disrupted our gang. Remus did not talk to Sirius for months, James was trying desperately to mediate between the two, but it was clear to see that even James didn't know what to make of Sirius attempt on Snape's life. Things had worked out better than expected. I was closer to Sirius again.
Yet time heals all wounds, they say. The split between Remus and Sirius did not quite heal, but they reconciled after a while. James went steady with Lily Evans and had less time for Sirius, yet I had to watch how over the years their friendship regrew almost as close as it had been, how they were still close after graduation, even though we all spend less time with each other. I was glad not to see them everyday now; yes, I wasn't happy any longer just with being the third wheel. I believed I'd value their friendship more when seeing them would be something special, but that was not the case.
I found work in the ministry of magic, but it didn't quite fill me. I wanted more. So, I spend my free time continuing my studies in the Dark Arts. The more I read about them the more fascinated I became. The Dark Arts provided so much power, so much strength...
I started to admire Lord Voldemort, too. It seemed no one could defeat him, and I wanted to be on the side of the winners when the war was over. So I seeked him out.
The Dark Lord was not easy to find. I had to spy, bribe, anything. And when I found his where-abouts in a hidden castle in the moor, nothing was sure yet. There were guards, and I knew I couldn't just bribe them or threaten them.
I also couldn't sneak past them, so I gathered up all my courage and openly walked over to them. As expected, they pointed their wands at me and told me to stop.
It was difficult to control my features, to not let them see that I was trembling with fear. My voice was shaking slightly when I told them that I needed to see their Lord, that I had an important offer for him.
They took off my wand and led me inside. We walked through long hallways until we reached the Dark Lord. He was in a cosy room with a warm fire in the chimney, upholstered armchairs around a table where he and a few other men were sitting.
The Dark Lord stood up; I saw with horrors that he was barely human. His skin was chalk white and covered with scales like a snake. His eyes were red and slanted, and he was taller and thinner than any human being.
I instinctively fell onto my knees and told him why I was here. Told him I wanted to be a Death Eater, that I was close to Potter and Black (they had become important opposers of Voldemort by now), that I could provide him with information, serve as a spy.
"What do you hope for in return?" he hissed.
Sweat was streaming down my face. "Power," I said, "knowledge, wealth. And Sirius Black as my personal slave when we've won." I tried to convince myself that I had said last thing to save Sirius.
Lord Voldemort started chuckling. "You shall have him," he finally answered.
I breathed out in relief. Voldemort needed my services. He had spies, but none was so close to the Order of Phoenix as I. He let me live. And he carved my arm in a ceremony so painful that I don't even want to think about it.
*
The Dark Mark faded after the Lord's defeat. When I look at my arm now, I can hardly see the lines forming a skull and a serpent. It used to be really dark in his life time.
*
I spent a whole year passing on information to the Dark Lord. Of course, it didn't go completely unnoticed, but I convinced Padfoot that Moony was the spy.
Then one day, James and his wife had just gone into the hiding, my Lord called for me.
We were in his hidden castle, and he had only called me, which always made me more nervous than if he assembled everyone.
"I want the Potters dead," the Dark Lord said without precautions.
I swallowed. True, I always had despised James and Lily, but to kill them? The Dark Lord noticed my hesitation and said sharply: "Is there a problem, Peter?"
I felt panic arising. I had been under the cruciatus before and it was not an experience I wanted to repeat. "No." I said quickly. "I mean, yes, but not a moral one." I desperately searched my mind for an explanation of my doubt while he watched me closely. "They're going to hide, and Sirius Black is their Secret-Keeper."
"Then bring Black to me," Lord Voldemort answered calmly. "Torture him until he tells you his secret."
Now I felt sickness arising. He couldn't ask me to torture Padfoot, my oldest friend.
"Um, that will be of no avail," I answered, wiping the sweat of my brow.
"Will it not?" my Lord asked in a threatening voice.
"I know Sirius," I said, "he'd rather die than betray his friends," I saw the Lord raising his wand and quickly added: "but I can persuade Sirius to change roles to let me be the Secret-Keeper!"
With relief I saw that the Dark Lord let his wand sink.
"Make it so." he said.
*
I went to visit Sirius the same evening. At a bottle of wine, I said: "You know, Sirius, I think we should switch roles."
"Huh?" he answered, gazing at me over the brim of his glass.
"You're the logical choice for Prong's and Lily's Secret-Keeper. Everyone will suspect you," I said. "They wouldn't suspect ME."
Sirius didn't answer, but I could see at his slight frown and the way he passed his fingers through his hair - he always did that when he was undecided - that he was not convinced yet.
"It's a perfect bluff. They will be after you while in reality I'm the Secret-Keeper. And when they find me I can just turn into a rat."
Sirius' frown faded, but he still did not say yes or no, so I had to be more urgent: "Dammit, Sirius, I want to be of use! I don't want to sit and wait while you, James and Remus save the world. I want to DO something, do you understand? I don't want to be useless weak little Peter any longer!" I shouted the last sentence, surprised at the real frustration in my voice.
Sirius looked up with a friendly smile: "But you're not useless, Peter. And, yes, your plan makes sense. Let's switch roles."
My relieved smile was genuine. I had succeeded.
*
So my Lord and I went to the Potters hiding place. James opened the door to me, smiling, but the look on his face turned to anger and horror when he saw the Dark Lord standing behind me. I watched Voldemort kill James, feeling nothing.
The Dark Lord swept into the house and I followed him quietly, watching him kill Lily when she threw herself before her baby. Still, I didn't really feel anything. I had made my decision.
Then my Lord tried to kill the child, but the unexpected happened. I heard him scream when the curse was reflected back, saw his body dissolving.
I felt panic. The side I had chosen had lost. I run away and hid, thinking about what to do next.
I knew, Sirius would try to kill me; he had tried to kill Snape for less. But I had a brilliant idea how to escape his wrath.
This time, my choice was to kill a dozen people and blame Padfoot. Did I have scruple, pangs of conscience? Well, I did, but my will to survive was stronger. Rats can survive almost anything, can't they?
I saw pure hatred in Padfoot's eyes when I met him on the street, the look he usually reserves for Slytherins. Yes, to my benefits, he looked quite like a madman.
It was surprisingly easy. I just yelled at him that he had killed James and Lily, cut off my finger - strange, that I didn't feel pain at that moment - blew up the street and turned into a rat.
I read that Sirius Black had been laughing all the time when the Aurors found him. Odd, how he played into my hands with his reactions.
Then I heard rumours that the surviving Death Eaters thought I had betrayed them. I had to stay in the hiding, but I didn't want to keep away from human society, so I searched for a Wizards family who took me in as their pet. It was an easy life; the Weasleys were anything but rich, yet they fed me with the best food. Only at nights, when the family was sleeping, I took on my human form and walked through the fields and forests, unless I forget how to turn human.
Now Padfoot escaped Azkaban. He's out to kill me, again. I don't have a plan yet how to survive this time.
All I can think of is that Sirius is out to kill me.
My oldest friend.
My Nemesis.
***
The end