Chapter Text
Moments, Part I : Burning Desire
by Ratwoman
ratwoman02@yahoo.de
>>I want you now
tomorrow won't do
there's a yearning inside
and it's showing through
reach out your hands
and accept my love
we've been waiting for too long
enough is enough
I want you now<<
He's not sleeping. I hear him rolling from side to side, obviously searching for a comfortable position on the hard plank-bed. Or is he thinking about the same things as I? Ridiculous! As if he could want me after all the times I've beaten him up and treated him like a piece of dirt. Like the piece of dirt he is, this murderer, betrayer, traitor and liar. And yet... yet I want him. I want to hold his slender body, taste his skin, I want to believe that he never deceived me, that he never shot my father. But all I do is stare holes into the air.
**
Is he sleeping? He's lying quietly on his plank-bed, making no sound, no move at all. If I shut my eyes I could perhaps forget that he's so near. But when I close my eyes, I see him, his shining eyes, his slender form, his hands, his sensual lower lip... I can't sleep, he's too close, within reach. I just need to take a few steps to be beside him, to touch him... Oh how I want him, how I wish to be with him, to feel his skin on mine, to close his lips with mine, to explore every inch of his body... I can't bear it no longer, I want him, now, tomorrow may be too late, they may kill us if I can't convince them not to do so. I'm trembling, I can't control the shivering. I want him, I need him, I can't wait any longer. I will take him, wether he likes it or not!
**
He stands up, I hear him move. I hope, I wish that he'll come to me, that the same need as mine drives him. But he stops at the small window and stares out into the night. The dim moonlight just shows a black silhouette of his slender form, but that's more than enough. I can hardly bear it any longer now that I also see him. His slender form, his quite broad shoulders, his slim hips...It does not help to look away or close my eyes, for I can
still see his picture, his eyes with the incredible lashes, his muscular, yet slender, graceful body, his ass... Does he know that I keep staring at his ass at any opportunity? He stands at the window without moving at all, like a marble statue. Yes, like one of the antique greek statues, he has a lot in common with them. My Adonis. I want to stand up and step right behind him, close my arms around his slim waist and just feel him close to me. But what did he say just hours ago? "Don't ever touch me again!"
**
Yes, I want him. But if I frighten him, I'll lose him forever. So I give up my plans to take what I need with or without his consent and just stare into the night. It's a clear night, I can see the stars, but I don't really look at them. Instead I see Mulder's eyes gleaming in the sky, and over there, don't they form Mulder's face? I'm sure he's staring at me, I can feel it in my back. Why? Does it mean he wants me, too? Oh sure, Alex, you've just killed or hurt everyone important to him, why should that make him shrink back? And certainly he just keeps beating you because he really wants to fuck you! Stop dreaming, Alex! My heart is racing, my blood is rushing through my veins, burning like fire, and his mere presence makes my member stand painfully aching against my pants. What shall I do? God, what can I do? I turn around and sink trembling to the floor, but not because of the cold. I can see Mulder in the pale light, he's sitting upright on the bed, looking into my direction. If I just knew what he's thinking...
**
I'm even aroused when all I see is his silhouette in the pale moonlight. He's out of sight now, sitting on the floor below the window, but that doesn't make it any better. I feel this aching, burning in my groin and everywhere else, as I never felt before. I want him, I long for him, I burn for him. I can't wait any longer. It's so dark that I hardly see my feet when I stand up and walk towards the window, towards him. As I can see his shadowy form, I squat down in front of him. I can see his face now, his skin looks pale in the moon light, his huge eyes like deep, dark lakes. I wonder if he thinks that I'm going to beat him like I always do. No need to worry. I don't want to beat him. I also don't want to rape him. "Don't touch me again!" Did he just want to say "don't beat me again", or did he mean it literally?
**
He's here. Right in front of me. What shall I do? What does he want me to do? I'm playing in my head through all the different possibilities from confessing my feelings to just falling upon him like a savage animal, but there's a catch in all of them: if he doesn't want me half as much as I want him, he'll be disgusted by my actions. That would forever destroy my chances for getting him. As if there where any. I have not the slightest chance of getting him since the day I've sealed my deal with Cancerman. My deal with the devil. Maybe if Mulder was weaker than I, I could take him without his agreement, but that's not what I want. Besides, I'm no rapist, that's a level I'm not willing to sink down to. If he could just do something, or tell me why he's here, sitting face to me? As I can't bear it any longer I ask, my voice sounding hoarse: "What do you want, Mulder?"
**
I want you. Of course I can't answer that, he doesn't seem to feel the same, or how should I interpret his question? He's wondering why I'm here, so near to him, maybe he's afraid that I intend to beat him again. So I stay silent as I rise to my feet and take a step back. I don't know how to stand the night being in the same room as he is, but certainly I won't touch him as long as he doesn't want it. I intend to go back to bed, but as I turn around, his breaking voice, calling out my name in a desperate tone, freezes me.I squat down again, hope relieving my aching heart. "Alex?" I hear my voice say.
So silently that I can hardly understand him, he whispers: "Please."Can it be? I have to be sure, I can't fall upon him like a monster. "Please what?" I ask, trying to make my voice sound tender, but it's husky, everything but tender.
"Don't go!" he whispers, his huge eyes staring at me like a drowning man at a life-line. He wants me? Everything inside me sings. I'm happy, forgetting where I am, who we are, joy is overwhelming me, and so I don't realize that I'm cruel to him when I'm joking: "That's a strange plea, Alex. You know that I CAN'T go, we're imprisioned."
**
Now that he found out, he's making fun of me. It's like I was afraid of, no, it's worse. It feels like broken glass cutting into my heart as I realize that he knows about my feelings but doesn't seem to share them. Cruel, cruel Mulder not just turns away in disgust, he's playing games with me. I can't stand that, I must go. Well, go I can't very far, all I can do is take a few steps aside, but Mulder holds me back. His touch is electrisizing, even 'though he just holds me at my arm. "Where are you going?" he asks. In a bitter voice I imitate his earlier answer: "That's a strange question, Mulder. You know that I can't go anywhere, we're imprisoned." I want to shake off his grip, but... he takes my face into his free hand and forces me to look at him. Looking into my eyes he says: "I'm sorry that I was joking when you were serious, Alex, but I want you to know: I want you now."
The End of the Beginning