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2020-11-05
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The Sisters Explain it All to You

Summary:

my take on how Methos could possibly be a m/m virgin.  To be blamed on a discussion on the DM list <g>

Work Text:

 

The Sisters Explain it All to You
by Diana DeShaun

Once upon a time, there were three weird sisters:  Melinatta, Lumilena, and Suzuzu.  They spent all of their time sitting around their cave in the dark dense woods cooking up mischief in their magical cauldron that provided a window to spy upon and manipulate whatever (or more usually whomever) they became interested in.  Each sister had a special area of expertise, though to be truthful, they often forgot exactly what it was since all three were so very versatile.

One day, whilst Melinatta was stirring and stirring the cauldron and Lumilena and Suzuzu were out gathering more prime ingredients for its contents, a visitor timidly stepped into the cave.  It was Diana the Pure and Good.   It seems Diana had a question, and, like all the folks in the slashdom, she knew her best chance of getting it answered was with the Sisters.

Melinatta cocked a brow at the Pure one and said, "I know why you're here."

"You do?"  Diana breathed with wide-eyed wonder.

"Well, hell, of course she does," came a voice from just behind Diana's left ear.  "It's dead obvious."  The voice turned out to be emanating from Suzuzu as she shouldered her way into the cave, towing Lumilena with her.  "Everyone heard Melinatta's  proclamation and they sent you to find out how this can be."

"Wow.  You three are just awesome!"

"Never a dull moment, that's our motto," Lumilena snapped out smartly, pulling a little pot of blue face paint out of her bodice and proceeding to get her sisters and herself ready for their day's work with a few swift passes of her fingers.  "Now, in order for us to process your request, you must state your question in a loud, clear voice.  Complete sentences only, please."

"Okay.  My question is about Methos."

"Aren't they all?"  drawled Suzuzu.

"Everybody has heard…I mean, it's all over the entire…..gosh darn it!"  Diana stamped her foot in Pure frustration.  "How in the name of all that's slashable can a five thousand year old man be a virgin?"

"Ah…now therein lies a tale.  And a tail too, methinks."  Melinatta cackled a bit.  "Come over here where you can get a good view,"  she beckoned and Diana eased onto a cushion in front of the cauldron.  "You don't want to miss any of this."

****************************

"You're a what?"  Duncan MacLeod shouted it so loudly he had to repress the urge to cover his own ears.

"You heard me, MacLeod.  Shall I spell it for you?  V…I…R…"

"Stop it, Methos.  No way in hell.  Don't give me that."

"Actually, I was rather hoping you'd be the one giving me that.  Where was I?  
G…I…"

"Don't say it!  Don't you dare say it!  You are 5000 years old!  What?  You were born without one?  I can't wait to hear how you faked it with sixty-eight wives."

"Without one?  Faked what?  What the hell are you talking about, you bloody idiot?"

"You're the one who just claimed to be a card-carrying virgin, thank you very much."

"MacLeod!  You dolt.  I didn't fake that!  I was talking about being with men."

"Men.  Oh.  Men."  Duncan was quiet for a moment, obviously still trying to get all the puzzle pieces to fit.  "Nope," he said finally, "I still don't buy it.  You're the guy who claims to have done everything at least twice, remember?"

Methos shrugged nonchalantly.  "Except that."

"Except….Methos!  How can you possibly still be…you know."

"I know?   I was hoping you'd know, Highlander.  So much for that lie in your chronicles."  Methos moved closer and closer until he was standing chest to chest with the other man.  "You're blushing.  I was so sure. You know, Duncan, if you don't think you're up to it, I can take my burning quest for…knowledge elsewhere. I suppose it doesn't have to be with another Immortal.  I wonder where Martin  Bullston is this time of day."

Duncan's mouth opened and closed a few times while he tried to decide if Methos was actually saying what he seemed to be saying, but then another thought intruded.  "Martin Bullston from the corner newsstand?  Fartin' Martin?"

"At least he's from London.  I'll just close my eyes and think of England."

"More like close your eyes and think of the Tidy Bowl Man."

"And that would be your concern, why?  I thought you weren't interested."

"I didn't say I wasn't interested, just that I didn't believe you."  Duncan hesitated.  "Er, interested in what exactly?"

"Being the sole attendant and, indeed, only other participant in a little deflowering party I have planned."

 

"A deflowering party.  My god."  Duncan fell back weakly, absently relieved to feel the couch beneath his ass when he stopped moving.  "Methos, are you sure you're a virgin?  Definitely, totally for sure?  That's an awful lot of history you have there to remember.  Maybe you've just forgotten it."

"On the contrary, MacLeod,"  Methos began, plopping down beside his prospective ravisher, "I have only recently remembered that I have nothing to remember, if you get my meaning.  So, yes, I'm sure.  I was dedicated to the sacred Mother when I was born."

"Okay, now I know you're having me on.  You told me, you told Joe, that you couldn't remember your early life."

"I had an epiphany.  You remember that little lightning storm we had last week?"

"Yes?"

"Well, I was out taking a walk and suddenly WHAMO! It got me!  It was a lot like a Quickening, but without all the other rubbish attached, you know?  That's what did it.  All of these memories were just suddenly there."

"And of all those memories, the only one you thought fit to share with me was that you were a virgin to male/male sex."

"I decided my life is too simple, yeah, I wanna complicate the hell out of it, and I thought you'd want to know."

"You did?  I mean..."  Suddenly Duncan smiled.  Leaning over, he ran the tip of his index finger down Methos' long nose.  "I do, Methos.  I do want to know.  Tell me all about it."

****************************************

The  Sisters and their guest watched in rapt wonder as Methos spun a fantastical yarn about the tail of a comet and a simple group of people who watched in horror as rocks rained down out of the sky.  When the rocks stopped hailing down on the very day that the infant Methos was found in the woods near the camp, everyone was convinced he was a gift from the Earth herself and he was treated accordingly.  Dedicated to the goddess that very night, Methos was given a very special place in the tribe (who busied themselves building the first version of Stone Henge to further commemorate their deliverance) and free reign to celebrate Earth's abundance with as many women as he could-but only with women.  As he explained all of this to Duncan, his unseen audience leaned further over the bowl of the cauldron, more determined than ever not to miss what Lumilena snickered and referred to as "the good stuff".

******************************************

"So, since you lost most of your memories right after you took your first head, all you knew was that you weren't supposed to be with men?"  Duncan eased Methos over against him until the Old Man was resting in his arms.  

With a sigh, Methos shrugged marginally, using the movement to snuggle back a little more.  "Exactly.  I just couldn't remember.  I couldn't even remember that I'd forgotten.  I mean, to me, it was just the way I was supposed to be.  I never asked myself why.  It just was.  Does that make any sense?"  Methos twisted in Duncan's arms to stare up into his eyes.

Duncan found himself being drawn to the man in his arms like a child who had to touch a pretty flower, no matter how many thorns were in the way.  And this man, Duncan reminded himself sternly, had more than most.  It would be so easy to surrender, to believe…but Duncan had just a few more questions.   Sitting back abruptly, he cleared his throat and asked, "But what about your 'brothers', Methos?  What about the Horsemen?"

"What about them?  You saw the flashbacks when we took those Quickenings.  I wore white, they wore black.  I was clean, they were not.  I was untouched, they….were not.  Those were still superstitious times, MacLeod.  When I told Kronos that I drew  my power, my wisdom from the Mother, he believed me.  Remember, I  believed me.  Kronos called  me 'brother', not  'boyfriend'."

"Byron.  Now you can't tell me he was your 'brother'.  Hell, Methos, I saw you together when I took his Quickening!"

But Methos was already shaking his head.  "Nope.  Nada.  Zilch.  Dreams and wishful thinking on his part.  That's it.  Why do you think he had to keep that goat?"

"My god," Duncan breathed.  "It's true.  You really are a virgin!"

"Finally!"  Methos twisted and squirmed until he was lying across Duncan's chest with his forehead pressed against Duncan's.  "I was beginning to think you'd been kicked by one too many horses back in the good old days, MacLeod.  Now, are you gonna help me out here or not?"

In answer, Duncan ran his hands over Methos' finely muscled back to knead at the hard mounds of his ass.  "Oh, I'm going to help you all right, and no matter how many more thousands of years you live, I can guarantee you won't forget this."

"My hero," Methos breathed as he drew Duncan's head down for a kiss.

*************************************

"That's it.  Time's up. Show's over."  Melinatta rose gracefully to her feet and dragged Diana up with her.

"But I don't want to go yet!"  Diana cried.  "That can't be the end!"

"Yep, yep.  That's his end all right." Suzuzu agreed with a hurried glance back at the cauldron as she grabbed Diana's other arm and pulled.  "What do you  think we are anyway, voyeurs?"

"Oh, well, I…No, of course not.  What was I thinking.  You are so right, some things are just private."  

Suzuzu cackled, "Two things actually.  Besides, we have to go out now too.  We do have other jobs, you know.  There are still places in the world that  have never heard of the slashdom.  It's our mission to spread the word about the men who spr-"  Suzuzu broke off at a glare from her sister and huffed the rest of the way in silence.

Finding herself at the entrance of the cavern, Diana tried to brush the dirt and smut off her no longer pristine white robe.  "My it was getting hot in there anyway."  Shoving back a few tendrils of hair, she continued, "Thank you both so very much for showing me the answer to our question.  It's so obvious now that, of course, Methos is a virgin.   For a few minutes longer anyway.  And thank your sister too."  Diana looked around curiously, "Where is your sister, by the way?"

"It's her turn to watch the cauldron," Melinatta said grouchily while Suzuzu gave  Diana one last push in the right direction.  "One of us always stays behind just in case.  You never know what might come up."

 

 

**end**