Work Text:
Unrequited
by kira-nerys
SPOCK
When I first woke up I felt disoriented.
My mind filled with mechanical cries and determination to find the ulitmate knowledge.
Overload.
That is what V'Ger's entrance caused to my mind.
It appears my consciousness has been able to organize it.
I am alive.
I still function.
I have a faint recollection of seeing Jim.
Holding his hand in a desperate grip.
Trying to convey the emotions.
"This siimple feeling, is beyond V'Ger's comprehension," I said.
The look on Jim's face.
Maybe there is hope for us yet?
I tried to convey the emotions I still have for him in that single touch.
Without link, it was difficult.
I noted how it startled the doctor, but it did not disturb me.
I would not permit it.
The moment was too significant to allow such concerns to sway me.
If I succeeded?
I do not know.
Jim left.
I have not seen him since.
I have lain unconscious to him and the world for quite some time.
Perhaps he has tried to contact me.
I do not know.
McCoy is present again.
Sickbay is permeated by his presence.
Although I cannot see him.
I must have slept for a significant period of time.
I can sense McCoy's concern.
Surely not for my health?
I am progressing satisfactorily.
Of that much I am certain.
It is, however, not the doctor's nearness I wish to feel.
As much as I value his friendship.
It is Jim
The longing for him intensifies again.
As if it was never gone.
Perhaps it never was?
No, I will not lie to myself again.
It was always there.
There are questions I am now faced to answer.
Should I leave or should I stay?
Should I stay and take what he is capable of giving?
Should I deny the part of me that is Vulcan?
The part of me that needs...
The part of me that craves the bonding?
It is not what I hoped for.
It is not all that I need.
It is not enough.
But without it I cannot go on.
The futility of the Kohlinar is clear to me now.
If I had achieved it, I would have become less than I am.
I would have become a machine.
I would be like V'Ger.
Devoid of emotion.
Sterile and barren.
My heart would have turned to ice.
I realize suddenly a truth.
The old Earth idiom holds more than a measure of truth.
"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
Even the pain, and the unfullfillment is precious.
The agony of unrequited love is worth more than all the logic in the Universe.
I understand that - now.
The Kohlinar is perhaps the answer for some.
Not for me.
T'Sai was correct.
My answer lies elsewhere.
Denying my emotions would have been denying part of my being.
Denying the part of me that was human.
I need Jim.
I wish to speak to him.
I have to speak with him.
~END