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Kate’s not sleeping ...
In fact she’s wide awake, well she feels like she is anyway, she’s never been dead before so she hasn’t really got any previous experience to draw on. Death isn’t what she expected though. She’d thought that she would maybe spend have to spend a little time in purgatory before being let into Heaven, because although she knows she isn’t perfect she thinks she’s been pretty good Catholic during her life.
What she didn’t expect was to be in this limbo state, wandering around the Navy Yard just observing. She’s restricting herself to the NCIS building now though, she didn’t fancy walking through the walls so she used the door on the one occasion she did try to leave the building but it freaked her out a little when she set off the alarm on the security arch on the way back in so she’s decided not to do that again, she doesn’t want people to think the place is haunted.
Of course that’s exactly what she’s doing though ... haunting, although no-one appears to be able to see her. She’s discovered that there’s not just one of her that’s haunting the place though, she’s seen at least four other ghosts over the past few hours, they were all her ... but not her at the same time. She’s never realized that the imagination can really bring a person’s ghost into existence, or maybe ghost isn’t the right word, unlike her these apparitions come and go at the whim of their creators.
The version of herself which is haunting Gibbs has pissed her off a little. She isn’t blaming the senior agent for her death but Gibbs’ Kate is. She knows it isn’t his fault, it was her job to protect him and that’s what she did by stopping the first bullet. She’s actually proud of herself for doing her duty; she feels no guilt on that score because, damn it, she did a hell of a job and she knows it.
Abby’s Kate makes her smile, asking the tearful Goth where her pigtails are - she’s always loved Abby in pigtails - they joke about the tat on her ass and about when they first met and it pleases Kate that this ghost has managed to cheer the younger woman up. Abby’s the one Kate’s least worried about.
Tony’s Kate comes as no surprise to her and she knows she’s rolling her eyes at the scene. The Catholic School uniform is just typical of her partner – of course she would never have gotten away with wearing a skirt that short though! Naturally Tony had to go one better and have a draft blow up her skirt to show off her panties. Tony’s ghost reacted just as Kate knows she would have, getting enraged and shrieking at Tony. But it put a smile on the younger man’s face for a while as well and goodness knows, he’s not had much to smile about today or over the past few weeks. Kate still shivers when she thinks of him under those blue lights; it’s a miracle that he’s still here at all.
It’s Tim’s Kate who shocks her. Who would have thought that the young agent would see her in tight leather and as for the corset and whip outfit! Well, it’s really not what she expected at all from the naïve, mild mannered computer geek. It’s certainly changed her opinion of Tim though and she would have given anything to be able to go back and tease the younger man about that particular fantasy. She giggles as she imagines the scenario if Tony ever finds out, Tim would never hear the end of it.
Kate isn’t sure exactly why she’s haunting the Navy Yard. She thought ghosts haunted the place where they were killed but she doesn’t remember much about her actual death, it was all a bit fuzzy at the time. She remembers the warehouse roof in Newport News and the shootout but has only vague flashes of memory of the time immediately after her death, of Tony staring down at her frozen, a fine mist of her blood over his face and of Gibbs talking gently to the younger man, as if he were talking to a spooked animal, wiping Tony’s face by the patented parental method of spit and handkerchief and trying to snap the young man back into the present.
Things only started to clear again when she arrived in Autopsy. It really was strange watching Ducky unzipping the body bag, the conversation seemed eerily normal as the kindly ME talked to her.
The last twenty four hours have been a real eye-opener. None of the team has been home since she was killed and Kate can see that the strain is beginning to tell as they search for Ari.
Tim seems to be coping well considering it’s the first time he’s lost a teammate; in fact Kate thinks that the level headed baby of the team is actually dealing with this better than the rest of them. He hasn’t been down to see her yet and Kate can understand that, if their roles were reversed she thinks that she would rather remember her teammate alive and not cold and pale on a slab or in Ducky’s cold storage. He’s spent quite a bit of time with Abby, the two youngest are more open with their feelings and emotions, they may not be lovers any more but they are still best friends and Kate knows they will be there for each other.
Gibbs is being Gibbs, strong and silent. She was a bit worried at first as he didn’t seem to be himself at all. She hadn’t missed his shock when Tim and Tony returned and he realized that he’d left the two younger men out in the rain for several hours searching for evidence and getting soaked through, not so much because of Tim but Tony’s only been back two days from having the plague and already he’s fallen down a steep bank, saved both Tim and her from being blown up, although he got caught in the explosion himself and then he’s seen her killed. Understandably, Tony’s a little freaked, on top of everything else Gibbs is being way too nice, patting Tony on the back and telling them to get changed out of their wet clothes, calling them boys and offering to get them something when he went for coffee. He’s never that caring or demonstrative in front of other people and Kate can see that Tony is clearly unsettled.
It’s actually Tony that Kate is most worried about. He was obviously struggling for control earlier and he almost lost it with Tim, raging on at the probie when Tim said he hadn’t been down to see her and had hesitantly asked if she looked okay. To Kate’s surprise Tim just stood calmly letting Tony vent for a short while until finally uttering the quiet words ‘Tony please’ which stopped Tony’s tirade and completely deflated the senior field agent.
Shortly afterwards, in Abby’s lab, Tony looked close to tears again as Abby lectured him about the bullets, in the end the younger woman had thrown her arms around him and hugged him tight. They stayed like that for a few minutes, both giving and receiving comfort until Tony heard the crack of the bullet hitting the window and his quick reflexes sent himself and Abby to the ground, saving yet another of his teammates from being killed or injured. Both young people had been shaken by that incident and had still been clinging to each other in shock when Gibbs reached them. It’s an indication of Tony’s strength of character that the young agent hasn’t completely lost it by now and Kate has to admit she is impressed.
As the evening draws on Kate sits and watches Gibbs go through her desk, separating personal items from work related items and boxing them up to pass on to her parents. Despite watching Gibbs take out each item Kate hasn’t seen her rosary though. It’s not a special one, she leaves the white pearl rosary her Godmother gave her on her first Communion and the red Swarovski crystal one her grandmother presented her with at her Confirmation at home and has a delicate green faceted glass bead rosary which she carries around with her, but she keeps it in her desk as she likes to have one at work, just in case, it has iridescent blue heart shaped beads, but it’s missing now and Kate tries to remember when she saw it last.
Wandering away from Gibbs and the packed box of her belongings she wonders where Tony’s gone. She’s already been down to Abby’s lab where Ducky, Abby and Tim are drinking tea and caff-pow and reminiscing. There have been tears and laughter and Kate knows they, at least, are going to be okay.
She’s still worried about Tony. Despite having verbal diarrhea most of the time Tony is more like Gibbs when it comes to feelings and emotions, repressing them and hiding them deep, but unlike the senior agent he’s not as good at coping with them.
It took Kate a long time to really understand the younger man, for the first few months she was fooled by the cheerful frat boy persona, the mask that Tony hides behind. But two years of working with the senior field agent has brought understanding and the realization that behind the mask is an insecure and vulnerable young man as well as an astute and highly intelligent field agent.
On a hunch Kate wanders back down to Autopsy. Moving silently – she’s discovered she can’t make any noise even if she wants to - she finds the senior field agent sitting on the floor leaning against the cold storage drawers, he’s facing the autopsy table where her body lays although his eyes are closed. His legs are pulled up so that his elbows are resting on his knees and Kate discovers where her missing rosary is. Tony’s lips are moving and his fingers are travelling slowly along the beads and with a start she realizes that Tony’s praying. Kate’s never considered him to be religious before now but she knows that Tony’s family is Italian and as prominent a businessman as she understands his father to be it makes sense that the man would be proud of his heritage and his religion and would have ensured his son was too.
Kate can see that Tony is struggling to keep his composure; he’s never been very good at dealing with the loss of people he cares about. She made a mistake with Chris Pacci, teasing Tony and winding him up to breaking point. It was only after he’d stormed out, almost knocking over Gibbs and his coffee in his haste to make his escape that Kate came to realize how deeply he feels things. Gibbs had set her straight that day, before going after Tony himself and Kate wonders if Gibbs is too lost in his own grief to realize how badly Tony is dealing right now.
As if on cue, the doors swish open and Gibbs quietly enters the room. Tony doesn’t open his eyes but Kate can see the tension in his shoulders relax slightly. Gibbs doesn’t speak; he just slides down so he is sitting next to Tony, so close that they’re shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip and knee to knee. Tony leans in slightly but doesn’t stop and the two men sit in silence until Tony comes to the final bead and says the closing prayers, winding the rosary around his hand as he does so. Only then does Gibbs slide an arm around the younger man’s shoulders, pulling him close, wrapping both arms around him and allowing Tony to bury his face into his shoulder and wind his fists in his jacket, she can see the tremors coursing through Tony’s body and hear the ragged breaths and hitching sobs. Gibbs still doesn’t say anything, words aren’t needed; he just sits there rubbing gentle circles on Tony’s back as he rocks him until Tony is sitting calmly and is almost asleep in his arms.
It’s an intensely intimate and private moment and Kate suddenly feels ashamed to be there, she knows Tony would hate that she’s seen this apparent weakness, even now. Despite understanding the relationship between these two men Kate has never witnessed their bond so personally, it’s one thing to realize that Tony loves Gibbs as a father, big brother, teacher and mentor; it’s another to see that love returned in such a gentle and paternal way and Kate’s awed to have witnessed it.
She drifts away from the touching scene and back upstairs, the Mossad Officer and the new NCIS Director are talking in the bullpen and she watches them for a while. She doesn’t trust either of the women, there’s a dark aura surrounding both of them which she instinctively knows is a bad thing and she wishes she can warn her teammates to watch out for these two, Kate has a hunch they both mean trouble for the team in their own way.
As the evening draws into night, Kate watches as they scatter and fragment, despite Gibbs’ initial wish for everyone to stay in the building. The new Director has left and so has Ducky and Tony’s been sent to follow the Mossad Officer. Kate is pleased that Gibbs’ gut is telling him to watch out for this one, she find it difficult to believe they have actually allowed the young woman into the building and knows that Gibbs isn’t happy with her presence. Kate just hopes that Tony will be okay as she knows Gibbs will never forgive himself if anything happens to his senior field agent. Abby and Tim are the only ones remaining safe in the building. At Gibbs’ insistence Tim is on protection detail and hasn’t left Abby’s side since Tony brought her up to the bullpen after the shooting.
As the night drifts on Kate haunts the building, wandering through familiar and not so familiar rooms. She watches Gibbs leave in search of Ducky and Gerald, sees Gerald arrive, watches Gibbs return and leave again. He takes pizza for Tony when he leaves, it makes Kate smile, Gibbs may not say much but he shows that he cares in so many ways. She ends up hanging around with Tim and Abby until they finally hear back from Gibbs that the ME is safe.
Dawn brings no let up from the torrential rain outside. Another body arrives in the morgue, this one a young man who tried to shoot the new Director – who, it appears, has been out on stakeout with Gibbs. The resulting evidence seems to prove that it was this young man who killed Kate; she can see that Gibbs doesn’t believe the evidence but he’s backed into a corner here. Kate knows he won’t give up though; he’s like a dog with a bone.
The Director tries to send the team home but no-one moves on her instruction, Tony looks to Gibbs for guidance and it’s not until Gibbs nods at the younger man that they move and scatter from the bullpen, they need to be in early in the morning ready to leave for her funeral and Kate is touched and honored to learn that SECNAV has offered his private jet for their flight to Indiana. At any other time Tony would get a kick out of that and Kate remembers with a smile the flight out to Cuba and Tony’s childish delight in the Gulfstream they’d travelled there and back on. She has a lot of happy memories from her two years working here.
At last Tim comes down to visit her. The young man walks hesitantly into Autopsy. Opening the drawer Ducky so lovingly tucked her in he stops to take in a deep breath for courage before he pulls back the sheet covering her face. There’s a soft voice behind him and Tony walks up, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently in comfort. They both talk to her and she’s touched by their words. Tim has always been an open book but for once there’s no mask on Tony’s face, their sense of loss is palpable and in this moment they are united in their grief. Despite all the bickering and teasing Kate knows the three of them were close and with blinding clarity she realizes that she loves these two men as she loves her brothers.
As her body is loaded into the hearse for the ride to the airport for her flight home to Indiana the first lines of the poem that her grandmother chose to be read at her grandfather’s funeral come to mind. She can’t remember the whole verse but she’s always liked it and right now she realizes how appropriate it is.
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep ...