Chapter Text
Regrets: Jenny’s
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; it is the property of its respective creators. Enjoy!
Jenny Sheppard had wanted to die. Well, that wasn’t quite correct. She hadn’t wanted to die, but since she was going to die anyway, she was going to do so on her terms. Six months tops, the doctors had told her. Six months of pure agony, having to depend on others for anything she would need.
She had been many things in life, and proud was one of them. It would have killed her soul and pride to have to accept she would have been helpless. Her soul trapped in the living shell that was in her body, until a God she was never truly sure she believed in took mercy on her.
When she learned she could die a heroic death, taking down people who would have killed the man she loved, she went for it full force. Recruiting Mike Franks to help her had been a risky move, considering his affection for Jethro, but he was the second best person for the job. The first was the one she was determined to protect.
All she could think of at the time of her death was the opportunities she missed and her regrets. The missed moments her Father had never spent with her. All the times she had alienated people who cared for her to get ahead. The lives that she’d had been forced to sacrifice for the “Greater Good.” She believed in the Greater Good, that didn’t mean she liked it.
She remembered the smell of the dirt in the dingy diner, where it would all end. She could hear the sound of the gravel, as their car pulled up, just as Mike Franks went to get water after her spilling her heart out to him. She heard the sounds of shoes on gravel. She smiled, her face grim, as she thought “Showtime,” the act before Judgment Day. As the men hired to kill her started to get into position, turning the doorknob, she fired. Two shots and the first two were down for the count. Each bullet fired into the men planning to kill her, and if allowed, her loved one, were symbols of one of her main regrets.
Shot one: Killing La Grenouille a.k.a. René Benoit, was in her mind one of the best things she had ever done. Receiving vengeance for her Father, for the shame and misery she had had to put up with, unjustly. Was she sorry for all the pain she had put Tony though? Of course she was, she had never wanted him to get hurt. She just never expected him to fall for Jeanne Benoit.
Shot Two: Her Father, Jasper Sheppard. All the moments he missed of her life. She may have killed La Grenouille to clear her Father’s name, but mainly to clear hers. To make all the shame and lies she experienced in her life because of him, disappear.
Shot Three: Her biggest regret was the life she had missed by leaving the man she loved; the one she had never stopped loving. She could have been happy, they could have been happy, with children, a home, and a life outside of their jobs, with each other. But she had messed it all up, and for that she would never forgive herself.
Shot Four: Herself, for while her fourth bullet landed in her killer’s heart, his bullet also landed in hers. She felt in those moments, the things she would remember forever. Her Father’s laugh, so rare to hear. The cold medals she worked so long and hard for. Last, the feel of her lover’s hands on her skin, setting it on fire. Those are the things burned in her memory, even in the afterlife.
To say that she was angry at Director Vance was the world’s biggest understatement. How dare he spilt her team up, when they would need each other the most! She hadn’t had any delusions that her death would be easy for them. It was just easier then watching the person you cared for fade away.
But, really, it wasn’t Tony’s or Ziva’s fault. They had followed orders, orders to leave her behind. There was no way they could have known what was going to happen, what she was counting on happening. Now Tony was drowning in guilt, stuck in the middle of the ocean. Ziva was back in her Father’s claws, also feeling guilty. Both Special Agents, missing the other for reasons they wouldn’t admit to.
McGee was trapped in cyber crimes, a land in which he no longer belonged. Abby was missing her friends, who were currently torn apart. Ducky was perhaps the most serene, since he understood what she would have faced in those tortuous months.
Jethro, she didn’t like thinking about what she had put him though. First there was their time in Paris, then her years as Director, and now this. To know he loved her still, and neither of them had ever acted on it, hurt her soul more then she could say. She was feeding him all the strength she could, strength to get his real team back, to face Vance, to stop feeling guilty and start living again.
Shannon and Kelly had been very pleased to meet her, and saddened it was so soon. Shannon especially, telling her that she could have been the one to heal Jethro. That’s all they had ever wanted for Jethro, was for him to be happy. That was one of the things she wanted too.
Jenny Sheppard had many regrets in her life. The main one now, was what she had done to those she had left behind.
Valerie Portolano
May 9, 2009