Chapter Text
Dean knew that they were still following the leads but time was passing for him in a way that he didn't understand any more. Days blended together and time felt sort of like it was standing still; it could have been two days or two months since that Night. He didn't go out on the hunts with Sam anymore; Ruby had his back and as shameful as it felt to think it it was probably better this way. Dean did not want to go on hunts looking for Lilth; if he never saw what ever boby the demon had stolen it would be too soon. He just didn't have the strength to fight this war anymore.
There was that fimilar sound again and Dean knew that Castiel would be sitting in what ever crap chair the crap motel had to offer. "Hey," He mumbled. However the time was passing Dean knew that Cas spent most of it with him.
"I have found two more." Castiel sat foward clasping his hands tightly. "That is five so far." He spent all his other time talking with his brothers and sisters trying to find out who were 'disobeidant' as Cas like to put it. "How many more shall I find?"
Dean shrugged his shoulders trying to ignore the twinge of pain he still felt from time to time. "Anna doesn't have any trouble with them?" Neither was sure who was more relieved that Castiel did not have to be the one to slay his kin.
"Anna is wholly powerful she is more than a match for our sin-filled brethren." Castiel said with conviction. Dean sort of dug the knew emotion-conscious angel; except when he tried to go all chick-flick on him; wanting Dean to talk about that night.
Dean nodded and it caused a small spark of pain behind his eyes. "Right." He grounded out trying to ignore the pain.
"If you would only---" Castiel was there in front of him in a blink. "I could heal you." Impatience wasn't a new thing for Castiel but the annoyed huff was.
Cas had offered that night in the hospital he had reached out but with drew quickly when Dean had flinched. He said he could help ease the pain and Dean refused; he deserved this pain. "Leave it be." Castiel was back in his orignal spot just as quickly. The silence streched out between them for what seemed like an enternity to Dean or maybe just a second and he wished that he could move but the stars were still sparking around the corners of his eyes and he wasn't sure if he could mange it without drawing attention to it.
"What are you doing?" Dean finally asked, Castiel was just sitting there staring into space; something on the wall behind Dean's left shoulder had become very intriguing.
"Sitting here with you." Castiel tilted his head to the side and stared at Dean for a moment.
"I meant what are you doing with the whole..." Dean pointed up and swirled his finger around.
Castiel folded his hands again and Dean was beginning to suspect that he was praying when he sat in this position. "I have yet to decide; I have not sought revelation since Uriel died. I cannot make up my mind."
"Anna any help?" Dean didn't feel one way or the other about seeing the newly grace-filled ex-angel; there was too many other things not on his mind, because he was too busy not thinking about everything.
Castiel huffed, "No." For a moment he sounded like a child who kept getting the answer they didn't want to hear. "My faith is strong." He said strongly.
Dean laughed, "At least one us."
Castiel frowned, "You need to have faith now more than ever."
"I---" Castiel again was right beside him, "I never did."
"You did once." Castiel's hand hovered over Dean's. "I can show you that time again."
Dean scoffed, "No more time-travel for me thanks."
"It wouldn't have to be like that." Castiel finally dropped his hand letting it land softly atop Dean's; it was strange for both of them. "Touch is strange for me."
"Fuck," Dean actually felt a smile pulling at his mouth and it felt like his face was cracking it had been so long. "Trying to make this even more awkward?"
Castiel looked away, "What I mean is that when my hands make contact with anothers flesh it is in combat. This," Castiel squeezed Dean's hand, "Is very new to me."
Dean sat up, "Really?" His hand slipped from Castiel's but intrigued now he picked it back up at the wrist and held it. "Interesting." Dean reached up and cupped Castiel's cheek; Castiel did the same with his free hand.
"I could heal you now." They must have looked strange two grown men, except that well they weren't entirely men, sitting on a bed cupping each other's faces and Dean still holding Castiel's wrist with his other hand. Dean looked away, "Why wont you allow me to heal you?"
"You need permission?" Dean's eyes flicked back for a moment before sliding away.
"No, but you believe for some reason that you deserve this pain." Castiel moved his hand brushing his finger tips along Dean's jaw, transfixed for a moment. "I wanted you to realize that you did not."
Dean dropped his hand that was holding Castiel's face and pushed his own face into the angel's hand. "I wish you had left in the pit." The pain was ebbing away and for the first time since that night he didn't hurt.
"I would not have left you there even if ordered." Neither doubted the truth in that.
"Thanks," Dean laid down. His head for once not throbbing, his ribs not broken, even his voice sounded normal. "How were you going to show me my faith again?" Dean after a pause his hand still holding Castiel's hand in his, both resting on his abdomen.
"It would be a spiritual experience, would you be comfortable with that?" A smile crept across Castiel's face.
Dean looked thoughtful before a smirk reminiscent of his old self flashed for a second. "What are you going to do, wrap me in you wings?"
Castiel did smile then, "For starters."
Dean sat up fast his head spinning for a moment, "What does that mean?
Castiel sat there a moment, "It is not difficult." As easy as any movement Castiel made he was sitting behind Dean on the bed, he wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him into his chest. "Close your eyes."
"Okay I'm saying it," Dean complied and leaned back. "But you are taking our already awkward friendship to all new crazy levels." Dean closed his eyes and heard the rustling of feathers. "I can't look at them?"
"Another time," Castiel fell silent and Dean just listened to the two of them breathe for several minutes.
Dean heard a soft laugh and a warmth started to uncurl in his heart, the sound was so fimilar and made him feel at home. "Cas---"
"Listen Dean," Dean felt the soft feathers brush his arms and legs completely wrapping around him. They were as warm as the feeling in his chest as the laughter grew louder, stronger and the more beautiful it became.
"My Boy, my beautiful boy." Soft words surrounded Dean. "You'll be so important one day." A feather brushed his face sending a jolt down his body. The soft musical laughter continued in the back ground. "Angels are watching over you Dean." Dean felt a tear slip down his face he finally remembered the laughter and the voice.
"Mom," Dean gasped.
"You'll be a strong man one day Dean." Dean felt more tears escape. "God loves you, my Dean darling." Dean stiffened but the arms and wings surrounding him only tighten. "And I love you Dean." Were the last soft words he heard before the musical laughter began to drift away.
Dean did not pull away from the embrace but rather burrowed farther in. "What was that?"
"Those were memories." Castiel answered, "Things your Mother said to you often."
"I'd forgotten what her laughter sounded like." Dean was disappointed that he would forget something that sounded so beautiful, that sounded like home.
Castiel's wings withdrew from around Dean and by the time Dean's eyes flew open and he turned his head there were no evidence. "Any time you would like to hear it..." Castiel sat back and Dean moved from his position to lean against the head board next to Castiel.
"Yeah," Dean closed his eyes and pictured his mother and the sound of the laughter together and he felt his heart lighten. "My mom had faith?"
"More than you could imagine." Castiel imitated Dean's position with his eyes closed and his back resting against the head board.
Dean wanted to remember a time when he had faith, "I'll try harder."
Castiel sighed, "Faith isn't about trying Dean." Castiel reached out and took Dean's hand for a moment. "It will be something that grows within you over time. You shouldn't expect it over night."
Dean huffed, "Okay."
"Sleep Dean," Castiel pushed his shoulder softly, guiding Dean to lay down. "Tomorrow will be a new day."
Dean laughed, but it was slightly broken. "It will be just the same as every other day since the night in the barn." Dean felt Castiel's body stiffen. "Don't worry about it Cas. He'd already broken me, all that was left was to destroy me."
"I am so sorry Dean." The anguish in Castiel's voice was thick. "I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it couldn't possible be an order from Father but I followed blindly and now look what has happen."
"I dont blame you, Cas." Dean turned on his side, "I believed you when you said you would do anything not to have me go in there."
When Castiel spoke again it did not sound like what Dean had said brought him any comfort, "In the future I will put your well-being before my orders. You are not a destroyed man Dean."
Dean didn't respond, mostly he didn't know what to say. The angel was carrying around as much fear, doubt and guilt as Dean and they made quite the pair trying to comfort each other. "You need sleep too." He finally said to fill the pressing silence.
"I do not require the same rest as you do." Was Castiel's automatic response.
"That might be so but a good nights sleep has never hurt anyone. Anyways," Dean could already feel his face heating up at what he was about to say, "I always sleep better when you're here."
Castiel smiled and he was not embarassed by what he said next. "Then sleep easy every night for I am always here."
Dean laughed short and real, "Man you take awkward to a whole new level." Castiel settled down next to him and before Dean could say anything more he was off to dreamland where undoubtly Castiel would follow confused by what was awkward from what he said.