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Part 1 of Arrogant Presumption
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Arrogant Presumption

Summary:

Summary: Chancellor Gorkon has requested James Kirk's Enterprise to escort his ship through Federation space to the peace conference on Earth, but Spock fears that Kirk's hatred of Klingons will not allow him to agree to do it.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Arrogant Presumption
by Islaofhope

 

"Captain, I must request leave." No doubt, he noticed that I quickly turned off the comm unit when he walked into our shared quarters. He raised both of his eyebrows, but he did not comment on my overly transparent attempt to hide something from him.

"And how was your day?" He walked around the desk to kiss me.

"Interesting."

"Okay, we can talk about something else." He perched on the edge of the desk and took my hand in his. "There's some scuttlebutt that things are kicking up in the Klingon Empire. Could mean a few interesting skirmishes. I intend to be on the front line for that. You know how much I'd like to take out a few of 'those Klingon bastards.'"

I reclaimed my hand, stood up, and took several steps away from him. He did not appear to notice my disapproval.

"Captain, as I said before, I must request leave."

"I expected that. Does it, by any chance, have anything to do with the message that we received from your father, but you secured to your own voice print?" He did not emphasize the word 'we', but the slight accusation was there.

"It does."

"And you aren't going to give me any more information, are you?" He gave me an almost irresistible smile; he is far too charming. Fortunately, as a Vulcan, I am immune.

"It is not my intention to do so."

He stood up and crossed the room to stand in front of me. Close enough to touch, but he did not touch me. His smile faded as he looked into my eyes. "Tell me one thing. I think I have the right to know. Will you be in danger?"

"No, I do not expect that I will be in any danger at the outset."

"Unlike when you went to Hellguard without telling me why you were going? You took an awful chance. By rights, I could've had you court-martialed for desertion and insubordination to your commanding officer."

I did not have to remind him that he would never do such a thing to his bondmate. Although I have deserved it from him many times.

"Some things transcend the discipline of the service."

His eyes grew wide with hurt at this. I took him into my arms. "Forgive me. My choice of words was unfortunate."

He placed his head on my shoulder. "No, I asked for that. I shouldn't have made my stupid comment about court-martialing you." I could feel his heart beating slightly more rapidly than usual. "You said that you wouldn't be in any danger at first. What about later?"

"If the situation changes, you will be notified."

He extricated himself from my arms and glared at me. "No, that's not good enough. I want a promise that you'll contact me yourself if you're going into any danger."

"I do not wish to make a promise that I do not have complete control over keeping."

"Then promise me only what you can control." And suddenly he was back in my arms again. "Don't you know how much I love you?"

"Affirmative." I allowed my affection for him to touch his mind although my shields otherwise remained intact.

He laughed, his anger evaporating immediately. "Do you think that you'll ever respond back that you love me, too?"

"Perhaps."

"Well, that'll keep me around for awhile just waiting for that." He tilted his face up to mine, claiming a quick kiss.

I touched his cheek gently. "Does it hurt you that I do not say the words to you? Would you value it?" I considered the question illogical after 25 years together as bondmates, but I asked it anyway.

He smiled and shook his head. "No, I'm used to your 'affirmative'. Now every time you say 'affirmative,' I know that you're saying 'I love you.'"

I was somewhat taken aback by his implication that I had been making love to my captain in staff meetings and on the bridge. Although I realized that he was teasing me, it was a disconcerting thought, so I chose to ignore his implication. "My request for leave?"

"Granted. When do you have to go?"

"I have readied what I need to take with me. I am leaving in 2.35 hours."

His arms tightened around me. "Did you have any special plans for those 2.35 hours?"

Although I am immune to his conscious attempts to use his charm, I am not completely immune to his attractions. "I am completely at your disposal."

"In that case -" He completed his sentence by kissing me. There were no words between us as we headed for the sleeping area, leaving a trail of clothes behind. He came up for air after a particularly fervent kiss. "Damn, we're due in a staff meeting in a half hour."

"When we do not materialize, they will either hold the meeting without us or find a more efficient use for their time." He permitted me an additional kiss before he pulled himself away to advise the on-duty communications officer that the meeting had been canceled, and to request that all department heads be notified.

////////

Afterwards, I lay beside him watching him sleep. Somewhat absentmindedly, I considered how much time I had spent in this hobby over the past 25 years. I remembered the young starship captain who had first shared my bed. His face relaxed in sleep, the middle-aged man still had the look of that young man. I knew that he occasionally frowned at his image in the mirror, wondering at the gray hairs and the new wrinkles on his face, but his beauty still took my breath away when I beheld him after even the briefest separation.

I had a fierce desire to wake him, to watch the light come on in his eyes, and to love him once more. But time was short.

With an inward sigh, I extricated myself from his arms, kissed him so softly that he did not wake, and prepared myself to leave him.

////

As I boarded the shuttle that would take me to Terra, I thought about my conversation with my bondmate. There were matters that I wished to conceal from him, and he accepted this without a word between us.

Although he holds my heart in his hands, after so many years together, he knows that he cannot own my mind. Also, although he is ostensibly my commanding officer, he does not own all of my time. I have frequently requested leave to pursue my other interests, including both scientific and diplomatic duties.

Unfortunately, I remembered his tone as he said, 'those Klingon bastards.'

I remembered with sudden clarity an occasion many years ago when he had said to me, "Leave me alone, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference." At the time, I had been astonished; then I had realized that something was terribly wrong. I soon discovered that the entity that had said those words to me had been a doppelganger created by a force which held the real James Kirk prisoner on the planet below.

If only I could discover the force that held him prisoner now.

In the early years that we served together, he had fought against Klingons, but, win or lose, he had maintained a respectful attitude toward his opponents. His attitude changed when his biological son, a young man whom he barely knew, was killed by a band of Klingon renegades. Perhaps, the fact that the young man had saved my life made me hesitate to speak to him of David's death, but this loss appeared to embitter my bondmate against the entire Klingon race.

My intelligent, broad-minded, compassionate, gracious bondmate had become a bigot.

/////

My father met me when I walked off the shuttle. "James is not with you. What is his opinion in this matter?"

"I have not consulted James Kirk in this matter."

He stopped to look at me. "May I ask why not?"

"You may ask, but I will reserve my answer for another time, Ambassador."

Sarek accepted that answer, and moved to his next question. "Have you contacted Chancellor Gorkon?"

"We have been in contact. I have scheduled an additional conversation with him this afternoon. Will you attend?"

"I have other matters that require my attention."

"What could be more important than constructing a peace treaty between the Federation and the Klingon Empire?"

"There is much to do besides speaking with the Chancellor. I rely on you in this matter. We have a meeting with the Federation President and the Commander in Chief of Starfleet this evening."

/////////

"Then it is agreed, Captain? You will arrange for your ship to escort my ship from the Klingon Neutral Zone to Terra." Chancellor Gorkon's expression was grave, but his eyes sparkled with a suppressed excitement that I could sense even though our only contact was by comm link.

"Yes, I will be meeting with Starfleet representatives later today to identify an available ship," I said.

"I had assumed that it would be your own vessel. The Enterprise, commanded by James Kirk."

Perhaps James Kirk's ship was the one from which we had the most to fear in this matter. That illogical thought leapt unbidden into my mind. "It is possible that Starfleet will occupy the Enterprise elsewhere."

"What could be more important than a peace treaty between the Klingon Empire and the Federation? It must be Kirk. There are Klingon renegade factions who would prevent this treaty. They would think twice about taking on Kirk."

He paused and appeared to study my face silently. "I understand why he would not be enthusiastic about the assignment, but I was under the impression that you had some …influence with him."

"Chancellor, I have served with him for many years." I hesitated, trying to find the words to explain why he would not be the best choice. "You must understand that he is not a friend to the Klingon Empire. In fact, it is my understanding that there is a rather large price on his head throughout the Klingon Empire."

Gorkon nodded. "As to the bounty on his head, it will be lifted. I understand that many Klingons hate him, but he is also feared. That is why he is the only choice. For Klingons to accept peace with honor, the olive branch is best extended by their greatest enemy. He has a reputation for fearlessness. It would surprise me to discover that fear for his life would prevent him from participating in the peace process."

No, certainly, fear for his own life would not keep him away, but what if he were unwilling to extend that olive branch? "Your argument is quite logical, but I cannot guarantee that he will be available. "

However, as I listened to Gorkon, I thought of an old Vulcan proverb: 'Only Nixon could go to China.' I felt a distinctly unVulcan sense of pride that the chancellor had insisted on my bondmate for this mission.

Gorkon smiled faintly. "Talk to Starfleet. Tell them that we require James Kirk and his ship. Tell them: it is not negotiable."

//////

When I told my father of Chancellor Gorkon's insistence that the Enterprise escort his party, Sarek nodded. "It should be a simple matter for you to ask James to volunteer for this mission."

"I am not in the habit of using our relationship to compel him to act. Particularly in a way that is contrary to his preference."

"Perhaps I should ask him as head of the family."

"I would advise against it, Ambassador. No. I believe that the order must come from Starfleet."

"My son, I believe that he would do anything that you ask. As you understand the importance of this, why will you not ask?" He looked at me, and his look was one that I remembered from my childhood. "Do you fear that he will not agree, and you will discover the limits of his esteem for you?"

It surprised me to hear him talk so, but my own answer surprised me even more. "No, I do not fear to know the limits of his 'esteem' for me. Rather, I fear that if he refuses, I will know the limits of my 'esteem' for him." I was astonished to find myself revealing to my father something that even I had not realized was in my mind.

"Consider the matter carefully, my son. I doubt that my bondmate would appreciate such misdirection from me."

I considered the occasionally stormy relations between my parents. They were both rather stubborn. However, I did not believe any such discussion was appropriate. "Please excuse me, Ambassador. I am scheduled to meet my son for dinner."

//////

I believe that Selek was as surprised as I that we embraced when we met at the restaurant in Ghiradelli Square.

"How's Dad?"

"He is well. Had he known that I would see you, he would have sent his love."

Selek smiled at that, his smile a duplicate of Jim's despite the fact that there is no genetic connection between them. "Give him my love when you see him."

He picked up the menu. "I hope you don't mind that I chose this place, Father. The food isn't particularly good here, and it's too touristy. But the view of the Bay and the Golden Gate Bridge is worth the price."

I pulled my cloak around me more securely. It was colder here than I remembered. "The view from our home is certainly equal to the view at this establishment."

"Yes, but you didn't really want to go there, did you? I'll bet you're staying at the Vulcan Embassy."

"It is more convenient."

"More convenient? It's only a 30-minute walk from home. Or you could take a muni. No, you just don't like to stay in the house when Dad isn't there."

"That is an illogical statement."

"Yes, Father, but when it comes to Dad, your logic fails you. Don't feel bad. He's just as bad when it comes to you."

"I am uncertain what you are trying to convey by that statement."

Selek smiled as he studied the menu. "Just that it was nice growing up with you guys. Made me believe in perfect love. The only trouble is that I've been waiting around for it ever since."

"Perfection is a laudable goal to strive for, but it is rarely attained. Although I have been content with him, I would not characterize our relationship as perfect."

Selek hesitated before asking the next question. "Why isn't he here?"

The same question that my Father had asked. "His responsibilities tie him to the Enterprise."

"Yes, but with this Klingon thing kicking up, it seems like he would want to be involved."

I was startled to hear that my son knew something about the proposed treaty with the Klingons. "What have you heard?"

"Hikaru Sulu let it slip when we played handball yesterday. Guess he thought that I would know because you were so heavily involved. We both assumed Dad would be, too."

"He will be involved when the time is right." I opened my own menu, although I certainly did not need to look to recall the limited vegetarian choices available. "I am certain that you know that you must not repeat anything that you have heard about the situation with the Klingon Empire until the knowledge is made public."

/////////

"Chancellor Gorkon has requested the Enterprise as his escort."

A silence greeted my announcement. The Starfleet Commander in Chief broke that silence. "Will he do it?" The reference of course, was to her captain, James Kirk. It startled me to realize that the C in C thought that my bondmate would question Starfleet orders in this matter.

I lifted an eyebrow. "I have not asked him, but, yes, he will do it. He is the logical choice."

" I suggest that you ask him." Admiral Cartwright shifted in his seat and drummed his fingers on the table.

"Starfleet has only to cut the orders, Admiral."

Cartwright shook his head. "I would advise against ordering him to do it. I wouldn't blame him if he said 'No' and resigned his commission. We can't risk losing him in case it comes to war with the Klingons."

"Why won't you ask him to volunteer, Spock?" Admiral Cartwright and I were not friends, so I was slightly surprised that he addressed me so familiarly. "He's already proven that he would do anything for you. He was lucky that he got away with just a demotion after the stunt he pulled a few years back stealing the Enterprise and blowing her up. Wasn't that the incident that caused the Klingons to put a price on his head?"

Cartwright's words produced an uncomfortable sensation in my chest cavity. "Considering what he has already done, you can perhaps understand why I hesitate to ask for more." I masked my disquiet, but in addition to the guilt I felt over my bondmate's demotion, I was at a loss to explain Cartwright's insistence that his participation be voluntary. Asking for volunteers for a mission of this importance was hardly Starfleet's general practice.

"We appear to be at an impasse." Sarek steepled his fingers on the table. "Captain Spock will not ask him. Starfleet will not order him. Yet it must be." As my father studied me, he recognized from my slight change of expression that I had an alternative in mind. "What is your suggestion?"

"I will volunteer him to carry out the mission."

Both the C in C and Cartwright looked surprised. The Federation President, who had been silent so far, straightened in his chair. "I don't understand. You said that you won't ask him, but you must ask him if you're going to volunteer him."

"Not necessary. If I volunteer him, Starfleet orders will be cut, and he will do his duty. He would not resign his commission to avoid it."

"We're going in circles." The C in C calmly studied me. "I'm inclined to listen to Admiral Cartwright and not order it. After all, hasn't Jim Kirk done enough for the Federation?"

"I am volunteering him. I will sign a statement to that effect, if you require it." Although I felt my impatience increasing, my tone of voice remained controlled.

"That's a little presumptuous of you." Cartwright's words dropped into the silence that followed my statement. "What makes you think that Starfleet would accept something like that?"

"It is my right."

"Captain Spock is correct." All eyes turned to Sarek. "Because James Kirk is his bondmate, under Vulcan law, they are one entity, and he has the right to speak for him. The Federation has always recognized this most important fact of Vulcan culture, and I trust that you will recognize it now. As I said, this must be."

The Federation President nodded in satisfaction. "Then it's settled. Admiral, cut the orders for the Enterprise and recall her immediately."

/////

When I contacted my bondmate on the Enterprise that night, his voice was rough with sleep. "Kirk here."

As always, my heart rate increased slightly at the sound of his voice. "Jim"

His face appeared on my viewscreen, and I had the irrational urge to reach out to smooth his sleep-tousled hair. When he said my name, I was pleased to see him blush slightly. It is curiously gratifying that, after 25 years of physical and mental intimacy, he still exhibits such obvious pleasure when he sees me.

"I appear to have woken you." "T'hy'la. Have I ever complained? About you waking me?" His smile lit up his entire face. I felt a blush steal over my own cheeks as a picture appeared in my mind of my preferred method for waking my beloved. His grin widened in response. "I talked to Selek today. He told me that you visited him a few days ago."

I hesitated. I wished to tell him why I was on Terra, but I was reluctant to answer all of the questions that would result. "Indeed. He is well and sends his love." Our son was a safe topic.

It was not possible to ignore the way his features tightened. Apparently, he sensed my evasion. Hurt, then concern, replaced the spontaneous joy that had appeared on his face when he answered my call. "Spock. I'm not going to ask you where you are, but is there something that I should know about?"

"Jim, you will be receiving orders shortly." Telling him this only added to his curiosity, but I hoped that it would reassure him somewhat that his questions would be answered soon.

"All right, Spock. This time." I was relieved that he gave in so quickly. He appeared to relax somewhat.

"When are you coming back, Spock?" His tone was casual, but his eyes flashed with barely controlled emotion; anxiety for me, I realized, and I regretted the need for secrecy.

"Soon, Jim." I wished to add that I missed him; I longed to see him; I longed to touch him. However, it was far easier to hide my longing with questions about ship's business and a personnel matter that had been unresolved when I had left. It was with a mix of relief and regret that I ended the call.

I paced across the room to gaze out the window. The lights of the bridge shone dimly through the fog. Midnight Pacific Standard Time.

When we had been newly bonded and parted by duty, nearly every night at this time, we had reached for each other's minds. Because I am a Vulcan, such mental communion was nearly as satisfying as rolling over to find him beside me in bed and wrapping my arms around him. However, the mental shielding required to keep secrets from him denied us both this comfort.

A voice deep inside my mind warned me that it was madness to squander the gift that is our love and intimacy. I quieted that voice with a shake of my head and returned to the desk. Midnight was also an acceptable time to work undisturbed.

//////

When the Starfleet Commander in Chief announced me as the Federation Special Envoy, I walked into the briefing room, looking neither left nor right. I longed to steal a glance at my bondmate, but I feared that I would experience a temporary loss in efficiency. The tension in the room was palpable. It was my duty to outline the Gorkon Initiative, answer questions, and convince the gathered Starfleet representatives to accept the idea of negotiating peace with the Klingon Empire.

I stepped to the podium to deliver my speech concerning the Klingons' grave situation. A hush fell over the room.

When I announced that I had been involved in negotiations, Admiral Cartwright broke the silence. "Negotiations for what?"

I do not know how well I hid my surprise at Cartwright's question. Why would Cartwright ask this question when he had been fully briefed days before? I remembered that his reactions had puzzled me then, but his current attitude was wholly unexpected.

My voice was controlled as I turned to him to respond. "The dismantling of our space stations and starbases along the Neutral Zone, and the end to almost seventy years of unremitting hostility which the Klingons can no longer afford." My statement was greeted by shocked gasps from virtually everyone in the room.

"Bill, are we talking about mothballing the Starfleet?" The question, which was asked by a female captain, surprised me. Starfleet's mission, I had always believed, was primarily one of peace and exploration. Ending hostilities with the Klingons would free Starfleet for more important scientific exploration.

Because the question was directed at the C in C, I waited for him to answer. "I'm sure that our exploration and scientific programs would be unaffected."

Cartwright then plunged into a tirade revealing his prejudices against the Klingon race. Astonishing that an educated, highly-placed Starfleet officer would use such phrases as 'the alien trash of the galaxy.' I turned my eyes from him to glance around the room. Cartwright's words were not without effect. Most appeared to be uncomfortable with his blatant bigotry. However, a few, unfortunately, appeared to agree with his ugly words.

"Sir." This one syllable came from my bondmate. I allowed myself to look at him and was startled by the bewilderment in his expression.

"Captain Kirk," the C in C said, inviting his comment.

"The Klingons have never been trustworthy. I must agree with Admiral Cartwright. This is a terrifying idea." I felt an ache in my chest. Although Jim occasionally made me uncomfortable by expressing his negative feeling about Klingons, I had not expected him to publicly ally himself with Cartwright, particularly when Cartwright was exhibiting such ignorance.

"You, Captain Kirk, are to be our first olive branch. There are plenty of Klingons out there who feel as you and Admiral Cartwright do. But they would think twice about attacking an Enterprise under your command." It disturbed me to hear my bondmate labeled as 'feeling as Admiral Cartwright did.'

I hid my disquiet as I met my bondmate's eyes for the first time since I had walked in and said, "We have volunteered to rendezvous with the Klingon vessel that is bringing Chancellor Gorkon to the peace conference."

His eyes widened in astonishment. "Me?"

I was suddenly reminded of an occasion many years ago, during our first five-year mission on the Enterprise, when, trapped and in disguise on Organia, a Klingon commander had appointed Jim as a liaison between the Klingons and the Organians. 'Me? I don't want the job,' he had said in nearly the same tone that he now used. I feared that he would make the same statement now.

Swiftly, before he could say anything further, I responded, "I have personally vouched for you in this matter, Captain."

"You. Have personally vouched for me?" His eyes widened with astonishment, and then his face became impassive.

We continued to lock eyes while the discussion swirled around us. It was not the first time that we had been unable to take our eyes off each other, but it was by far the most unpleasant time.

When the others left us, he stayed at the back of the room, and I remained standing at the podium. I noticed Cartwright stopping to say something to him on the way out.

"We volunteered?" He spat out the words the moment that we were alone. I was surprised at the ache I felt in my chest cavity upon seeing rage and contempt in eyes that had held loving approval for so many years.

"How dare you speak for me? You know how I feel in this matter. Why, that's arrogant presumption!"

I tried to break through his anger. Was it his vanity to which I wished to appeal? "Jim, there is an historic opportunity here." Was it unVulcan pride that led me to wish that my bondmate be remembered as a man of peace as well as a great warrior?When that had no effect on him, I attempted to appeal to his natural compassion. "Jim, they are dying." I struggled to reach the 30-year-old impetuous, idealistic man who I had first loved.

"Let them die!" said the man who had killed him and taken his place, and I felt something die inside me.

"You should have trusted me." His tone was bitter; I did not attempt to follow him when he walked out of the room.Should I have talked to him before the briefing? I read in his reaction that, if I had asked him, he would have refused. It was better this way. He was angry with me, but he would do what was necessary.

Perhaps, I was growing old; the temperature of the room was suddenly far too cold for me.

I found myself attempting to remove the ring that I had worn on my left hand for so many years. I was mildly surprised that it would not slip off easily. The ring would remain where it was, but it was an outward sign of an internal state that no longer existed.

/////

"James has agreed to do it?"

"He was given no choice, Ambassador. The Enterprise will launch this afternoon. We will rendezvous with the Chancellor Gorkon's vessel as scheduled."

My father appeared to accept my statement. "Tell James that I wish him 'bon chance' and regret that we did not meet."

I lifted an eyebrow in mild surprise. "I was under the impression that Vulcans do not believe in luck."

"Perhaps I have been 'corrupted' by my many years bonded to a human. Have you not observed changes in yourself as a result? Or, perhaps it is James Kirk who leads one to believe in luck."

I ignored these comments, which I considered to be the most illogical that I had ever heard my father make. "Perhaps, you should give him the message yourself."

He looked at me sternly. His look reminded me of when I was young and told him that I was not going to the Vulcan Science Academy but had been accepted in Starfleet. "Do you still believe that you made the correct choice when you refused to ask him?" Apparently, he read my silence as a kind of response. "I do not understand you, my son. He has accepted the assignment. What more do you wish?" I was surprised that my father read my disappointment in my bondmate so very clearly.

I was saved from the necessity of responding to this question by the signal of my communicator. "Please excuse me, Sir." I opened it, saying, "Spock here."

"Captain Spock, Captain Kirk asked me to inform you that he requests your presence on board the Enterprise within the hour."

Commander Uhura paused, and her voice was pitched lower when she continued. "Actually, he said, 'tell Spock to get his ass on board in the next hour or we're leaving without him.' So if you're wondering if he's still ticked off at you -"

"Affirmative. Message received, Commander. Spock out."

"I will take my leave of you, Ambassador."

"It is not my way to offer marital advice, my son--."

"Then do not change your ways now." I walked out of his office without further words.

/////

Lieutenant Valeris, she who I had sponsored at the Academy, met me in the transporter room. "Captain Spock, Captain Kirk has asked me to escort you to your quarters."

I lifted an eyebrow at that, and wondered idly if I had been reassigned to a berth in the brig. He had threatened to put me in the brig more than once when I had defied his orders.

Although I should not have been, I was surprised when she led me to one of the more luxurious of the temporary quarters for visiting dignitaries.

She did not comment on the oddity of the first officer being treated as a guest on his own ship. "I will see you on the bridge, Sir."

"You may tell Captain Kirk that I will be there in 15 minutes."

The room held those of my belongings that had been in our shared cabin. I doubted that he would have compromised our privacy by having another carry out this task. However, I wondered that he had found the time to do this when there were so many other responsibilities to occupy his time so close to launch.

For he who was still, legally, my bondmate, I felt nothing. If I were human, I would appreciate that his actions freed me from him without any effort on my part. Our duty would still bring us into contact, but I was certain that we would meet with nothing beyond professional courtesy.

I was due on the bridge, but I found that it was necessary to compose myself. I found my firepot and knelt to meditate.

I had intended to turn my mind to the upcoming rendezvous with the Klingon chancellor. Instead, my mind would not allow me to move beyond thoughts of my bondmate, and the destruction of our relations.

The seeds of destruction, naturally, were in the original bloom of our love. I remembered an occasion very early in our love when he told me that he loved me 'too much.' Also, on more than one occasion, he had told me that he was 'crazy' about me. Although I was not verbally demonstrative, both statements were true for me as well.

We both idolized - and idealized - the other. We were each other's heroes.

Although we believed that there was complete acceptance of each other, in truth, what we accepted was each other's differences. I did not believe that we could ever truly accept that the other had flaws. This day I believed that he was not who I thought he was because he was filled with hate. Perhaps I was not who he thought I was because I had not been able to find it in myself to trust him.

I remembered that Selek had said that our love was perfect. I had scoffed at his words, but I realized there was truth there. We both believed in the perfection of the other. I must remember to warn Selek about seeking perfection.

I meditated on the thought that when the person you loved and idealized for years disappoints you, it is a simple matter to believe that person has died. One can be grateful for what one has had and move on. The far harder task is to face the possibility that person never existed, that you imagined him.

I thought of all that he has forgiven me over the years. And all that I have forgiven him. Why was this instance different?

I remembered Sarek's words: 'He has accepted the assignment. What more do you wish?' However, I saw no logic in accepting advice concerning love from a man who has told his wife and his son that love is not logical.

Then I wondered, was my bondmate's anger at me the result of being compelled to participate in the process leading to peace with the Klingon Empire?

Is that logical? He has been ordered to 'make peace' many times when he has been inclined to 'make war'. Has he really shut me out of his cabin and his life because I am the author of the plan that compels him to be the olive branch to the Klingon Empire?

Or is it something else that he found unforgivable? I remembered his last words to me:

"You should have trusted me."

It is said that without trust, there can be no love. One would think that the greatest hazard in a personal relationship is no longer trusting the other. In truth, the greatest betrayal is when the other no longer trusts you.

What was it that I found unforgivable? I can feel the hum of the warp engines powering up ready to carry us to the Klingon Neutral Zone. He is doing that which I wish him to do.

It occurs to me that I did not ask; I was afraid to ask. Is it logical that I wished that he should do this thing without my 'asking'? Is it logical that I now cannot love him because he did not do this of his own free will? I truly gave him no choice.

I wanted it as a gift, and I now laid blame because he did not give me the gift that I did not ask for.

I remembered a conversation from early in our friendship when we had discussed the nature of gifts. I had been told by others that gifts are intended to be unsolicited, and that the meaning was lost if the recipient tells the giver what to give.'

However, he said that some people believe 'that you should be able to read their minds. And if they have to tell you what they want, you don't really care about them.' He had told me that 'sometimes it just makes sense to come out and ask.'

It is ironic that we two who were known to have the ability to 'read each other's minds' disregarded that ability so easily. Also, I had disregarded his advice to 'come out and ask'. As I knelt by my firepot, I believed that it was too late.

Further irony was the painting that he had hung on the wall of the guest quarters that I now occupied. I had never seen the painting before, but I recognized the depiction. It was an abstract illustration of the Terran biblical story of 'The Expulsion from Paradise.'

-finis-

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