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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-05
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1,833
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1/1
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13
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1,369

Jim and Blair Visit Scribe

Summary:

Summary: Read the title.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:


Jim and Blair Visit Scribe
By Scribe

*Scribe is sitting at her desk, chin propped in hand, staring at her email program, waiting for something interesting to arrive* *Hey, there's nothing good on television, even with dish*

*brrrrzapt*

*Scribe looks up at the zapping sound from outside* *Glances out window* *mutters*  "What the hell?  The sky is completely clear, so it can't be lightening.  No sparks from the 'puter, thank God."  *looks down at weenie dog curled up near her feet*  "Inga...?"

Inga: "Yap!"  *Translation: It wasn't me!  I gurgle, burble, wheeze, burp, and poot, but I do NOT brrrrzapt.*

Scribe: "I guess it's a good thing your legs are so short, otherwise you'd snap my head off.  I just asked."

Inga: *looking interested* "Zurr?"

Scribe: "Stop looking hopeful--I didn't order pizza today."  *rapraprap*  "Huh, someone's at the door.  I wonder who that could be?"  *glances down at ratty T-shirt, over completely unfettered chest*  "I'm not really dressed for company." *pause*  "Screw it.  Drop in unannounced--take what you get."

*Scribe gets up and limps to front door* *Proving that she's lost some of her survival instinct since moving to a rural area, she opens the door without putting on the chain.*  *Jim and Blair are on the front porch*

Jim and Blair: "Surprise!"

Scribe: *Shriek!* *Slam!*

*pause*

Jim: "That was rude."

Blair: "That was her girly side kicking in, man.  She'll be back in a couple of minutes.  Look--a porch swing.  Now THAT is fucking Americana!" *sits and begins rocking*

Jim: *Jim stares at him*  "What are you talking about?"

Blair: "Is there anything more wholesome, innocent, and domestic than a front porch swing?"

Jim: "It's a bench that won't stay still.  I meant the girly side remark."

Blair: "You  know how she feels about us, right?"

Jim: "I get warm just thinking about it."

Blair: "Did you see how she looked?"

Jim: "Barely.  She didn't give us much time."

Blair: "Exactly.  You know she's been feeling a little down lately--that's part of why we're here, after all."

Jim: "So?"

Blair: "So, remember the last time you had the flu?"  *Jim winces*  "Exactly.  I almost had to use solvent to get that set off sweats off you.  She just wants to spiff up a tiny bit before she lets us in.  I'd say..." *Blair rubs his chin, considering.*  "Hair and teeth brushed, and a fresh shirt." *grin*  "Possibly fresh underwear."

Jim: *Looks interested* *sits by Blair*  "I can be patient for some Victoria's Secret."

Blair: *snorts*  "You'll get white cotton panties, and like it."

Jim: "Yeah, I will."

*door opens again* *slightly refurbished Scribe appears*

Scribe: *ahem*  "Jim!  Blair!  What a surprise!"

Jim: "Oh, come on.  With your Mary Sues, you had to figure we'd show up sooner or later."

Blair: *whacks Jim* *hisses*  "You do NOT call a woman on expecting you, man!  It looks conceited.  Hey, Scribe.  You gonna let us in, or does Jim have to do his covert ops thing and find a window to crawl through?"

Scribe: "The parents are out for the day, so yeah, come on in."

*they enter*

Jim: *whispers*  "Ever notice how her parents are always conveniently absent whenever her horny fanfiction characters drop by?"

Blair: *whispers*  "This bothers you?"

Jim: "Hell no!  Just commenting."  *they get up and go inside* "I almost tripped on a chicken out there."

Scribe: "Crap." *Scribe opens screen door again and yells* "SNICKY!"

Snicky: *large black-and-white ex-tomcat appears*  "Rowr?"

Scribe: *Scribe points at chicken*  "Lunch!" *squawks and feathers*  "Inga?" *Inga trots in* *Scribe points*  "Look!  Snicky has food!"

Inga: "YARF!" *bolts outside*

*Scribe shuts door*  "Okay, now I don't have to put out any Purina chow this afternoon.  Have a seat, guys.  Want some iced tea?  Does Simon know you're taking a personal day?"

Jim: "Tea would be fine."

Blair: "Got anything else?"

Scribe: "Diet Pepsi."

Blair: "Bleh!"

Scribe: "I may not have specifically written it, but when you went diabetic in Too Sweet and The Sweetness In My Life, you developed a taste for Diet Pepsi."

Blair: *blink*  "I did?"  *Scribe and Jim both nod*  "That would be great, then.  Lots of ice, please."

Scribe: "Duh.  I'm from Texas, Blair."

*Scribe goes into kitchen to play Perfect Hostess* *Jim and Blair look around*

Jim: "A fireplace!  Remind me to remind her that she hasn't written us any 'in front of the fireplace' sex."

Blair: "What about The Spark?"

Jim: "That ended with the first kiss.  I want 'I have no idea when I'm going to be able to get up on my feet again' sex."

*Scribe returns with drinks* *Jim and Blair take the glasses*

Blair: "Jim, you didn't tell her if you needed sugar or lemon."

Jim: "Lemon in tea is obvious evidence of Satan's machinations here on earth."

Scribe: "You can tell this is my version of Jim.  He takes his tea like me--sweet enough to stand a spoon in.  But I let him have regular sugar instead of sweetener, because you're the one I gave the sugar level problems to."

Blair: "Well, thank God you don't write exclusively in that universe.  You need to do something to Jim so I can lay some serious comfort on him."

Jim: "Oh, I like that!  Why not just give me the comfort without the hurt?"

Blair: "Don't wanna spoil you."

Scribe: "I love you two as an Old Married Couple.  Not that I'm not glad to see you guys, but seriously--why are you here?  It usually takes something major for my characters to make it over here on their own.  Things are going pretty well.  My sugar levels are acceptable.  I got my arm out of the sling.  No one has seriously hurt my feelings lately.  I'm only marginally bored."

Jim: "Tell her."

Blair: "YOU tell her.  It was as much your idea as mine."

Jim: "It's going to sound selfish."

Blair: "She'll expect it more, coming from you."

Jim: "Hey!"

Scribe: "Guys?  Less bickering, more information."

Jim: *glares at Blair* "Snot."  *looks at Scribe*  "All right.  We came because Strife gets to visit all the time, and he usually brings Cupid, and you've let Xander Harris LIVE with you."

Scribe: "Oh, my God.  You're not telling me that you two feel neglected?  Of all the stupid..."

Blair: "Quick!  Major weapon."  *Jim and Blair both give Scribe big, puppy dog eyes* *Blair is the champ, but considering his usual feline nature, Jim is quite good at it*

Scribe: "Stop that!  You're both being ridiculous, and you're not going to get out of it by..."

Jim: "Stage two." *both bottom lips poke out a little and quiver.*

Scribe: "Of all the idiotic."

Blair: "Shit!  It's not working!  We're going to have to use 'The Big One'!"

Jim: "It's devastating, but I think you're right."  

*glomph!* *Jim and Blair start making out heatedly*

Scribe: "WHAT?!  Why... you...  THEY DON'T EVEN LET THE DOG UP ON THE LEATHER COUCHES!  Jim...  Blair..."

*smoochgropefondlehunchsucklickembracekiss*

Scribe: *Eyes now look like anime character* "You guys fight dirty."

Blair: *comes up for air* "And that ain't all we do dirty."

Scribe: "Yes, God bless you.  But I don't understand it.  Word for word, I think I probably write more about you two than anyone else, so why do you feel neglected."

Jim: "You don't post much Mary Sue with us, though."

Blair: "How can we keep up our favored status among your other Mary Sue fandoms if you don't?  I mean, we've learned to deal with Strife--he's a divinity, after all."

Jim: "And if we said anything about it, our normal mayhem filled life would look peaceful after he got through with us."

Blair: "That to.  And then you've been flirting your ass of with Severus Snape in And Which Reality Is This Again?  Not that I blame you.  Alan Rickman--yum."

Jim: "But we can't complain about that for the same reason as Strife."

Blair: *nods*  "Wand.  So we're not going to fuss about Strife and Severus, but Scribe..."  *He gives her a mournful look*  "Greg Sanders?  You're neglecting us for a forensic lab tech?"

Scribe: "Hey!  I'll have you know he's going to be a field CSI next season--Grissom said so in the finale." *shrugs*  "I don't know what it is about me and lab techs.  I'm also starting to drool over Nigel and Bug from Crossing Jordan.  But I'm equal opportunity.  I'm also fantasizing about the Jerry O'Connell character--Detective Woody Hoyt, so there's another cop on the roster."

Jim: "Well, who WOULDN'T fantasize about him?  Say...  What if Woody came to Cascade..."

Scribe: "I'M NOT UP TO ANOTHER CROSSOVER RIGHT NOW!"

Blair: "We're just saying keep it in mind for, say, when you finish Miscellany--if you ever do."

Scribe: "DON'T START!  I swear, I'll have YOU try to persuade the damn Sunnydale Muse to come off vacation."

Blair: "C'mon, Scribe.  You know it would make a good addition to the Swingers Series.  Or WE could go to Boston..." *voice becomes seductively persuasive* "...and meet Nigel, and Bug, and maybe even Macy.  Maybe we could bring Rafe along..."

Scribe: *Scribe's eyes are glazing over* *she shakes her head* "Sandburg, don't you fucking DARE use your Guide voice on me!"

Blair: "Juuuust making a suggestion."

Scribe: *rolls eyes*  "Right." *sigh*  "I suppose I'd better start looking for an appropriate, one word title that starts with an 'M'.  At the rate I'm finishing things these days, I should have plenty of time to choose it."

Jim: "Fantastic!  Wanna make a sandwich?"

Scribe: "Oh. Uh... It's a little late for lunch, and I don't have any lunchmeat or tuna, and the only peanut butter is some Jiff Lite, and Mom intends to return that.  I suppose I could make egg salad if you aren't in a rush..."

*Jim and Blair exchange looks that would do Strife justice* *Both quickly finish drinks* *glug* *Since this is a wish fulfillment story, neither one gets a cold headache* *both set glasses aside and get up*

Jim: *scoops Scribe up into his arms* "For heaven's sake, woman--by now you should know what we mean when we say 'sandwich' and don't specify a filling.  Which way is the bedroom?"

Scribe: *squeak!* *points*

*They head for the bedroom, Jim and Blair doing a quite good acapella version of Afternoon Delight* *They disappear into the back of the house*

*pause*

*Snicky comes in through the torn screen on the living room window* *he coughs feathers onto carpet*

*sounds from back of house*

*Snicky cocks his head* *He may be fixed, but he knows mating noises when he hears them* *Contemplates the fact that he's fixed* *Considers going and laying claws into someone's rump for that* *remembers that Scribe feeds him, and gives the best tummy rubs around* *remembers he doesn't particularly like the stepfather, who is more than a little anal about pawprints on his truck*
*heads toward master bedroom to locate stepfather's dress shoes for a quick poop*

*Fade out*

end

Notes:

This orphaned work was originally on Pejas WWOMB posted by author Scribe.
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