Work Text:
Painful Memories
by kira-nerys
kardasi@kardasi.com
Spock stayed for a moment after McCoy left, watching the captain, sitting by his desk, leaning his head in his hands. He was sound asleep from exhaustion, both physical and mental. He looked so vulnerable there and the sight tugged at the Vulcan's heart. Of course he would never admit to anyone what the sight of Jim like that was doing to him. He simply watched for a moment.
< I could . but no, it would be wrong, a violation of his privacy. > Spock thought.
McCoy's words rang through his mind "If only he could forget"
Kirk's own words rang through his mind "If only I could forget."
Spock stood there, hesitating for another moment. Then he moved closer, determinedly. Carefully and a little guiltily, Spock lifted his hand and stopped for just a short moment.
<Why am I doing this? For him or for myself?>
The answer came to him then. Clear and unashamed.
<For the both of us.>
Spock put his hand on the captain's sleeping face, and closed his eyes. Then he searched for every trace of the memory of Rayna that he could find. Kirk's mind was filled with an overwhelming pain at the loss of her. Spock closed his eyes and silently wished those feelings could have been directed elsewhere.
Jealousy, an undignified and unworthy emotion, had tormented him down there on the planet. Alas, he had been through it before, many times. But now, as he probed the mind of his captain, his friend and the man he loved, all Spock could feel was compassion. Kirk had loved Rayna. Now that she was gone, he wanted to forget, and the only one who could help was he - Spock.
Jim's soft, warm skin felt soft and so tempting underneath his fingertips. Spock wished he could go on touching the sleeping man, he wished he could go deeper inside that human disorderly mind, just to find out if there was any hope that .
Spock clenched his teeth.
"Forget," he whispered and by sheer force of will, he tore his hand away from Kirk's temple. Then he swallowed, straightened and watched Jim sleep for another heartbeat. Then he turned and left.
He had done what he could now.
For both of them.
Perhaps, some day, his time would come, but that time was not now.
~>§}END{§<~