SquidgeWorld Archive

The two sides of the dorm room looked like opposite ends of a personality spectrum. One side was filled with posters and tchotchkes, pictures of families and friends, CDs in piles, books and magazines stacked on top of any available surface. The bed was unmade and contained a multitude of partially visible dirty clothing items, mostly socks and t-shirts. The other side was almost pristine, practically as if no one really lived there. There were two photographs, one of a family standing outside: mother, father, two college boys, and a young blonde child, all smiling, everyone obviously happy. The other picture was of the blond young man from the previous picture holding a woman, and they stared at each other, not even aware of the camera. The bed was made, all clothing put away. It was almost as if the person living there had left for a vacation, taking all of his personal items with him - except for the pictures and the contraband cage in the corner containing a rabbit.
Ryan sat on his bed, head bent over books, as he focused on his math homework. It wasn't unmanageable, but it was a lot of work, and he couldn't afford to fall behind. His cell phone rang; blindly, he reached for it, his eyes still focused on the math problem in front him.
"Hello?"
"Ryan!"

Ryan could barely hear Seth through the cacophony.

"Where are you?"

"I'm at a rally with Summer. We're protesting at some sort of oil conglomerate or something."

"It sounds like you're really into it, man."

"Oh, yeah, we're living large." The wry tone to Seth's voice picked up clearly midst the noise. "So dude, I'm calling about Spring Break."

"You and Summer are going to Florida to visit your grandmother?"

"Ryan, how many times do I have to tell you that she's not a grandma; she's the Nana. Yeah, we're gonna hang out, play a little shuffleboard..."

"You're going to get your old man on, huh?"

"You got it, although I have a feeling Summer's going to make me go out to some hot spots. I don't know if my back'll be able to handle it."

"I'm sure you'll do just fine," Ryan said, smiling. He put his pencil in the book to mark the place before he closed it, knowing he wasn't going to get any work done while on the phone with Seth.

"So what're your plans? Are you going to hook up with Taylor?"

Ryan paused a moment. Seth knew that Ryan hadn't spoken to Taylor in months, but yet he still managed to get that question in and sound almost innocent. "You know Taylor and I haven't talked in a while."

"I find that really interesting, because Summer and Taylor haven't spoken in a while either."

That caught Ryan's interest. "Really?"

"She said the last time they spoke, Taylor kind of blew her off, said she was busy but that she'd contact her later. She never got back to her."

This poked at Ryan.

"So I was wondering if you were planning on taking an intercontinental trip, maybe to Paris, to see if she's doing okay."

Ryan sighed. He and Taylor had been through all of this when she'd returned to Paris after the earthquake. This time, he'd thought they'd figured out a way to continue their long distance relationship, filled with plenty of dirty international phone calls. But now that Taylor was blowing him off, he got that feeling, that one in his gut, the one that always accompanied him when people left him. It had happened so often, he was surprised he didn't take it for granted. He supposed he'd been lulled into a false sense of security by joining the Cohen household. Or maybe he thought that since he was getting older that feeling of being deserted was going to leave him, but with Taylor, he hadn't expected it, which made it hurt even worse.

Ryan was tired of being left, but he wasn't going to beg. Ryan Atwood didn't beg. If Taylor wanted to dump him and get married to some other crazy Frenchman who liked her peaches, well then let her go ahead. The last time he'd seen her at Christmas, everything had seemed fine, but evidently it hadn't felt the same way to Taylor. If she wanted to desert him, just let her. He chose to ignore the nauseous feeling in his gut and said, "Evidently she is too busy in France to stay in touch with her friends here. We always knew she was flighty." Ryan felt Seth's disapproval and ignored that too.

"Yeah, but -"

"No buts, Seth. She knows where we are; she knows how to contact us. The fact that she's chosen not to do it says it all."

Seth sighed. "Yeah, but Summer -"

"Then Summer can call her or e-mail her. I'm done."

"Ooookaaaay," Seth said, drawing out the word into four syllables. "What are your plans for Spring Break?"

"I'm going to stay here, hang out with Sophie, give Kirsten and Sandy some alone time."

"Wow," Seth said sarcastically. "You choose to spend one of the most important rites of passage with a three year old girl instead of a bevy of hot coeds willing to pull off their tops for strands of beads."

"That's in New Orleans for Mardi Gras," Ryan corrected.

"Exchange the tops for bathing suits and beads for alcohol, and it's the same thing," Seth insisted. "Come with us to Florida. You don't have to hang out and watch me cream Sal at shuffleboard. You can go to the beach."

"Remember how much fun we had in Florida the last time we went down there," Ryan reminded him. "You ended up with whip cream in your nether regions."

"Ahh, but it provided an extra evening snack, although I must say that my tongue got tired awfully quickly, and some of my positions, while they might have been fine had I been doing yoga, only made me cramp up," Seth mused.

Ryan winced.

"And you don't know how long it took to get all of it out of my nooks and crannies."

"Don't ever tell me that much again, man," Ryan muttered.

He heard Seth chuckle, and he smiled a little despite himself.

"Just know that the offer's open. You can come with Summer and me and hang out. It'll be fun."

"No, I'm good," Ryan said and realized that he meant it. He enjoyed spending time with Sophie. She was a good kid. And he liked the brownstone. He never thought that he'd feel comfortable anywhere but at the pool house, but there was something about the house in Berkeley that felt like home, even though it wasn't his handprints out on the front walk, even though he had no history there. There was a feel to the place he couldn't deny. And being lucky enough to be a part of Sophie's life as she grew up - he hadn't realized how much he'd missed never having a younger sister. Just watching her as she learned and questioned things fascinated him. And he knew that going to the beach and seeing all the scantily clad women weren't going to help him forget about Taylor - not that he needed to forget about her, he reminded himself. He just needed to focus on other things. She was the one who had chosen to get out of his life; he was going to leave her there.

Ryan heard Summer, he supposed, shouting Seth's name in the background. "Dude, gotta go. Summer needs me. Talk to you later."

"Later," Ryan said and hung up. He opened up his book and stared at it, his eyes not focusing on anything on the page.

He missed Taylor. He didn't like to admit it; normally, he wouldn't. Sometimes, especially at night, he could feel her arms wrapped around him. He missed that. And then he got angry all over again. He took a deep breath and refocused on the page only to hear his roommate, Ben, walk in the room, a flurry of jerky movements and energy.

"Dude, the hottest girl just came up to me and asked me the time."

Ryan stifled a smile and stared at Ben. "What'd you do?"

Ben looked at him like he was stupid. "I told her the time. I'm so in there!"

Ryan held back a chuckle, thinking not for the first time how he'd exchanged Seth for another Seth. Ben was almost exactly like Seth when they first met years ago. Ryan stifled a sigh at the thought that he might have to relive everything that he'd lived through with Seth during high school all over with Ben. He had survived it once; he supposed he could survive it again. Besides, he was older and wiser now. He didn't punch nearly as many people as he used to - at least he hadn't lately.

He returned his attention to the book, pencil gripped between his teeth, as Ben went on about the girl who'd asked him the time. Another good thing about living with Seth was that Ryan had long ago acquired the skill of tuning someone out while he studied. So he let Ben ramble on as he continued to cram for his test the next day. He pushed Taylor out of his mind once again and took particular care not to look at the picture of the two of them smiling into each other's eyes. He knew he should put the picture away, and he would, eventually. There was plenty enough time for that later.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Taylor Townsend stepped outside and slid the patio door closed. Closing her eyes, her hands balled into fists, she took a deep breath, her nose twitching instantly at the now familiar stench of burnt grilled salmon emanating from the next door neighbors'. Either they still hadn't learned how to cook a salmon on the grill, or they just never cleaned it. She really didn't want to know which. Both ideas appalled and nauseated her. Taking another deep breath and ignoring the smell, she calmed herself, opened her eyes, and decided to take a turn around the garden. She laughed at herself. Her "garden" was now a 3x3 fenced in area behind the townhouse she and her mom shared, a townhouse that could have fit in its entirety into one fourth of the first floor of the house where they'd lived before. Taylor'd never really liked that house anyway, so she didn't miss it. Besides, selling the house and living modestly allowed them to keep up with the medical bills - barely. Evidently, Veronica Townsend could negotiate with the best of them except when it came to obtaining her own health insurance.

Taylor did however, miss the space, and she missed the kitchen. Here she had a microwave and a joke of an oven, but she made do with them. It's not as though she was cooking dinner parties anyway, and as her mom's special diet didn't require anything gourmet, she didn't do much more than mix and cook over the stovetop. It wasn't challenging, but it got the job done, and she always felt satisfaction when her mom kept the food down.

She kept walking, reminding herself to walk and breathe, and walk and breathe. That's what she seemed to do these days, take one minute at a time, one problem at a time, one breath at a time. She was capable; she was Taylor Townsend, so of course she figured it out.

But it still didn't mean it wasn't stressful.

"Taylor!"

Taylor jerked when she heard her mom yelling at her. "I'm coming, Mom," she said as she took one last deep breath, opened the sliding door, and walked inside.

Her mom had her headset on, and Taylor wanted to roll her eyes.

"Taylor, where's Brian James' contract?"

"Remember, we overnighted to him yesterday, mom. He will get it today before noon."

"Right. You'll have it today before noon. I need you to initial where marked and send it back to me. All you need to do is stick it in the enclosed return envelope and post it. I need it back no later than Friday. Do you understand? Good." She pressed the button and looked at Taylor. "Taylor, you know I need you here. You can't just disappear when I need you the most."

"I'm sorry," Taylor said. Her watch beeped. "It's time for you to take your pills."

"What pills?"

"These pills," and then they'd go through the usual routine. Taylor would pull out each pill and hand it to her mom, explaining what each pill did and why she needed to take them. And then Veronica would throw back each pill and drink from the glass of water Taylor held in her other hand. They went through this every day, twice a day. They'd been doing this for months. Sometimes her mom was entirely lucid and could remember everything. Other times, she was a little vague, a little fuzzy. But that was okay, because that was why Taylor was here, and Taylor was nothing if not efficient.

The phone rang.

"I'll get it," Taylor said, jumping up and grabbing the phone before her mom could move. "Veronica Townsend's office."

It was one of Veronica's basketball players. "Yes, yes, she took care of it. Yes, it's fine, you can go. It's no problem. However, you have to be back before Saturday evening. If you don't make it back there - and I don't care if it's because you ran into an old girlfriend or if you got fogged in Atlanta - you'll have to pay a huge fine and sit out the next three games. Okay, have a good trip." Taylor hung up the phone.

"What was that?" Taylor's mom asked.

"You already took care of it, so it's fine." It was easier for Taylor to say that than to have to sit there and explain to her mother again about how he wanted to travel to Georgia to attend a family reunion in the middle of a season, and the owners weren't about to let their leading scorer go. Taylor herself had managed to finagle it. She was actually proud of herself for that one; it was one of the toughest negotiations she'd had to pull off yet, and she'd had to do it without her mom, because it was during Veronica's session at the hospital. But she'd managed it fine, and she was proud of herself for that. She might not like being a sports agent, but she was good at it. But Taylor was of the mind that if she put her mind at something, and she worked hard enough at it, she could eventually succeed. And here she was, proving herself right again.

She noticed her mom yawning, and she knew that sometimes the pills made Veronica drowsy. "Why don't you go lay down for a while."

"Okay, but wake me if anyone calls."

"Of course I will," Taylor said, crossing her fingers behind her back. "Have a nice rest."

Veronica shuffled into the bedroom and closed the door.

Taylor flopped into the sofa, exhausted. It was times like this, the quiet times, when she missed everyone, especially Ryan. Sometimes she'd close her eyes and pretend he was on the sofa beside her, holding her, sharing his strength with her, just being Ryan. She missed him so much. Sitting up, she shook off those feelings. She didn't have time to get maudlin. She had things to do.

Heading over to the small desk in the corner, she sat down, opened up a notebook, picked up the headset, and started working her way down the call list. After they'd moved, they'd splurged on an answering service, deciding that it was much more professional than an answering machine. Plus, she didn't have to listen to the voices of those she'd come to love as they called looking for her. The service faxed her the message list, and she could ignore them, tamping down the urge to call them, to explain. Taking a deep breath, she refocused on her call list. She had a lot to do before her mom woke up, and focusing on what she'd let go wasn't going to get the job done.

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Ryan sat at the table watching three year old Sophie play with the peas on her plate. He wasn't a big fan of peas either. Ryan tried to get over to the brownstone every Sunday night for family dinner, and living in Berkeley guaranteed that they had more options than just Thai and pizza, which was great, considering Sophie needed a balanced diet, hence the salad, peas, carrots, and chicken on their plates.

"I heard you're helping out with the school production," Sandy said, trying to sound casual and failing miserably. "What're you doing?"

Ryan hesitated a moment, knowing what was coming. "Grease."

"Really?" Chuckling, Sandy leaned back in his seat. "The stories I could tell you about working on that show when I was in college..." He made eye contact with Sophie, who grinned at him, obviously hoping that he'd help her out with the peas. "But that's for another time."

"I'm helping build the sets and some of the props," Ryan said, sliding his peas around his plate. "I'm going to have to spend some of Spring Break working on it."

"You said that the stage manager recruited you?" Kirsten asked. She'd made a point of calling the boys once a week, and Ryan found himself sharing more with her each time. He supposed it was easier to talk about stuff through an impersonal telephone call than in person, with her understanding eyes focused on him. Plus, she not only listened to him but remembered what he'd mentioned weeks earlier in passing. Like now.

"Yeah, Sarah." He saw Kirsten's look but chose to ignore it.

Sandy also remembered something Ryan had mentioned earlier. "You said you just wanted to focus on your studies this semester. What'd she do? Twist your arm?"

Ryan wasn't about to tell them how Sarah had caught him fixing a professor's desk and decided he needed to work on her show.

First Ryan had worked hard at dissuading her, but eventually he grew tired, tired of fighting Sarah's advances, tired of worrying about Taylor, tired of missing Taylor, tired of loving Taylor. So when Sarah insisted once again that he help with the production, he didn't refuse. He realized that he needed to get his mind on something else beside Taylor. Sarah seemed like a nice girl. Maybe somehow he could figure out how to stop loving Taylor and maybe give Sarah a chance. He figured he'd take it slowly and see what happened. After all, it'd only been three months.

"When's the production?"

Ryan shrugged. "I haven't gotten a full schedule yet. I'll let you know."

"Please do," Sandy said. "We'd love to come see it."

"I promise," Ryan said, sharing a smile with Kirsten.

"Maybe I'll come down there and check out how rehearsals are going, see how they're choreographing stuff."

Kirsten rolled her eyes. "Are you finished with your salad?"

Ryan nodded, and Kirsten took the plate. "Thanks, Kirsten, it was very good."

If it hadn't been Kirsten, he would have sworn he heard her snort. "Thank you, but would it hurt to show Sophie that peas are okay to eat?"

"Sophie, you want to grow up strong like your brothers, you have to eat your vegetables," Sandy said brightly to the little girl, who squinted her eyes at him to show that she didn't trust him at all. Sighing, Sandy shrugged at his wife and smiled. "Honey, I tried."

Kirsten sighed and took Sophie's plate. "Ryan, have you heard from Taylor? I'm getting worried. It's not like her to stay out of contact with everyone."

Ryan really didn't want to talk about Taylor, but she was never far from his thoughts anyway. He tried to play it light so they wouldn't know how hard it was for him. "You know Taylor. She's pretty weird."

"But she hasn't updated her blog since leaving here after Chrismukkah," Kirsten insisted. "What?" She asked when she realized that both men - and girl - were staring at her. "I love reading her blog. She's very entertaining, although some of the stuff she wrote before you two started dating is pretty racy."

Chuckling, Sandy put down his fork. "I'm not even going to ask about it."

Kirsten smiled at Sandy and returned her gaze to Ryan.

Ryan turned his help me! look toward Sandy, who shrugged sympathetically. "Have you tried contacting Veronica to make sure she's okay?"

Ryan nodded. "I did, a couple of months ago. All she would say was that Taylor was doing fine and was just...busy."

"Hmm," Sandy said thoughtfully. "Maybe "Grease" is exactly what you need to get your mind refocused."

"Sure," Kirsten said, bringing in desert from the kitchen. "Between school and the play, you should be pretty busy." She cut into it, and Ryan realized it was a peach torte, which made him think about Taylor all over again.

He took a piece and smiled wanly at Kirsten. "Thanks," he said, knowing no torte was going to be as delicious as the ones Taylor made.

Later, Kirsten and Sandy got ready for bed, Ryan's low rumble carrying to their bedroom as he and Flapjacks read Sophie a bedtime story.

"I'm worried," Kirsten said, lotioning her hands.

"About Ryan or Taylor?"

"Both," Kirsten said. "Taylor might act all tough and worldly, but she's sweet and sensitive, and I know she loves Ryan too much to just stop talking to him. You saw them during Chrismukkah. Did Taylor look like she wanted to break up with Ryan?"

Sitting on the bed, Sandy watched as his wife went through her nightly ritual, and he marveled at how lucky he was. There'd been so many times when he could have lost her, he could have lost them, but here they were, back in their old house. Seth and Ryan were doing well in college, and Sophie was their little blessing. Over the past few years, he'd come to think of Summer and Taylor as daughters of a fashion, and he was worried as well about Taylor. Even if she had wanted to break up with Ryan, Taylor was the type to tell him to his face, not just disappear on him. She knew how many people had left Ryan in the past, and she wouldn't have done something like this for no reason. However, he didn't want to worry Kirsten any more than she was, so he said, "I'm sure Veronica would know if something had happened to Taylor."

"But would she tell Ryan?" Kirsten caught Sandy's eye through the mirror. "I think I'll call her tomorrow."

Sandy rose and kissed the top of Kirsten's head. "I think that's an excellent idea."

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Taylor sat beside her mom's bed, face in her hands, elbows resting on her knees. Her mom was asleep now, and she could go to bed herself, but she was too tired to move. She figured she'd sit there for a few minutes, collect her energy, and then go to bed. The thought of having to take the cushions off and open up the sofa so she could sleep was too much for her to handle right now. Normally, she'd just lie on the sofa as is and sleep there, but her back was protesting the lack of support. She looked at her mom. She couldn't believe this thin woman was the force to be reckoned with three months ago.

She remembered coming to visit her mom, noting the dramatic weight loss, noticing something was off about the woman.

"Mom," Taylor said, leaning forward to hug her mom, but Veronica held up a finger and continued talking on her phone. "Yes, those are our final revisions. They should come as no surprise, and it's not as though you can't handle them. I'll be waiting for a copy of the final contract in my inbox within the hour. Thank you." She pressed a button on the side of her ear. "Taylor, you're late." She turned and walked into the house, leaving Taylor to follow her.

Taylor supposed it was a good sign that her mom had remembered when she'd said she was going to arrive, never mind that she was twenty minutes earlier than she'd mentioned both in her e-mail and voice mail. Following behind Veronica, Taylor noticed that the suit looked a little large; usually Veronica's clothes fit like they had been tailored while on her body. "Mom, have you lost weight?"

"Don't be stupid," Veronica said, looking Taylor up and down, "Although you need to stop eating so many brie-filled baguettes and maybe jog some, do some yoga."

Having been away for so long had dulled Taylor's ability to deflect her mom's barbs, and it took a few seconds to find her armor and put it into place. Pasting a small smile on her face, she said, "Why don't I make dinner? I've added quite a few new dishes to my repertoire that I think you'll like."

"I still have a lot of work to do," her mom said. "I'll be in my office."

"Mom," Taylor said, "I came home to spend some time with you."

"Well, I'm really busy. A lot of my contracts are in negotiations, so this isn't a good time."

Taylor noticed her mom rubbing her arm. "What's wrong with your arm?"

Veronica looked down as if surprised. "Nothing," she said vaguely as she retreated back into her office.

Looking around the house that she'd grown up in but never really liked, Taylor sighed and walked to the kitchen to find Consuela, the maid, who, it turned out, had left early for the day. Taylor took the time to gather some ingredients and make a quiche. Cooking always kept her mind occupied.

It had taken Taylor almost four days to realize that something was going on with her mom, and it took her an extra day of internet research to come up with a potential diagnosis.

She walked into her mom's office and sat down on one of the chairs, waiting for her mother to get off the phone. Fortunately, she'd thought to bring along a volume of French poetry that she could peruse as her mom finished the conversation. Forty minutes later, her mother disconnected and looked at Taylor with exasperation. "What, Taylor? I don't have time."

"Have you been doing your monthly breast exams?"

Her mother blinked. "What?"

"Have you been doing your monthly breast exams?"

"I'm not talking about this with you."

"It's a simple question; it's a medical question. Pretend I'm a doctor."

"But you're not a doctor. You're a - " her mother gestured vaguely " - a poet or something. Whatever it is, you don't seem to be able to make any money doing it."

Taylor sighed but didn't let her mom change the subject. "Do you get regular checkups with Doctor Sims?"

Veronica looked at her again. "What?"

"Have you been going to your annual checkups with Dr. Sims? Since you're over forty, you should be going annually and getting a breast exam."

"I'm not talking with you about this."

"Okay," Taylor sighed, "I guess I'll call Dr. Sims."

"You will do no such thing, young lady!" Veronica said sternly. "Besides, they won't tell you anything because of doctor patient confidentiality."

"You know I can get whatever information I want. Dr. Sims loves me. So why don't you just come out and tell me the last time you had an appointment?"

Veronica sighed disgustedly and idly flipped through the calendar on her desk. "I don't know. It wasn't that long ago."

"What was the date? This year? Last year?"

Veronica closed her eyes, opened them, and pressed the side of her ear. "Veronica Townsend. Hi, could you hold one moment, please?" She pressed the button and looked at Taylor. "I have to take this call."

"Fine. We'll talk about it later."

Veronica glared at her before reactivating her call. "I've been waiting for your call. Have you received our exceptions to the contract?"

Taylor stood and walked out of her mom's office. She decided to take the car and visit Dr. Sims' office. There was nothing like the personal touch to get what you want much faster, much easier. She walked into the office and saw Nancy, the nurse at the front desk. They chatted about Nancy's kids and pets for a little while; in ten minutes, she had the information she needed and had time to get worried.

She drove back home, walked into her mom's office without knocking, and placed a card on top of the desk. Her mom got off the phone and looked at the card. "What is this?"

"It's your appointment to see Dr. Sims."

"Who do you think you are?"

"I'm your daughter, and I love you," Taylor said. "And you're going to go see Dr. Sims."

Taylor's mom continued to glare at the card.

"I'll drive you myself. That way, we don't have to worry about your being late or missing the appointment. It's for tomorrow. Make sure you wear clean undies," Taylor sang as she left, wagging her fingers. She was pleased. Normally, she didn't get the last word in with her mom. Actually, normally, she walked out of the office feeling like something her mom had run over with her car. Twice. But today she felt in charge, worried but in charge.

The next day, she took her mom to the doctor, and that's when it all began: the lump Dr. Sims found, the swelling in the arm, the weight loss. Next came the mammography, then the breast MRI, then the ultrasound, then the biopsy. Through it all, Taylor's mom continued to drag her feet, as if not finding out more information would somehow ensure that everything would be okay.

Sometimes it surprised Taylor how different she was from her mom, she thought, as she scoured websites and corresponded with breast cancer survivors and those still undergoing treatment. She gathered all the information she could. When they finally sat down with Dr. Sims and the diagnosis of stage 2 positive breast cancer, she'd had a list of questions and options.

Now here they were, three months later, her mom losing weight and wearing the wig made from human hair that Taylor'd bought her. It didn't match her hair color exactly, but it was close enough.

Forcing herself to rise and prepare the bed, she felt the melancholy she constantly fought drape itself over her shoulders. She knew she was just tired - and maybe a little drained. When had she last eaten? - but she gave in to her weakness and dragged her suitcase out of the closet. Pausing a moment to see if she could stop herself, Taylor gave up and grabbed the little bear Ryan had bought for her years before, the first present he'd ever given her. Pressing it to her nose, she closed her eyes and smelled Ryan. When she'd stayed with the Cohens for Chrismukkah, she'd hidden her bear in Ryan's bed so she could carry his smell with her everywhere. She'd had to do it twice, because Flapjacks had gotten loose and adopted it the first time. She smiled remembering how she'd volunteered to do the laundry for Kirsten so she could secretly wash the rabbit smell off of Ryanbear.

Taylor crawled into bed with Ryanbear and eventually turned off her mind enough to fall asleep.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Ryan walked into his dorm room and absently threw his keys on top of his dresser. He'd spent the last three hours at the theater working on "greased lightening" and was mulling over having drinks with Sarah and her theater pals when his phone rang. Looking at the display, he knew he probably wasn't going anywhere soon. "Hey, man."

"Ryan," Seth drawled. Thankfully it was easier to hear him this time.

"What's up?"

"Hold on." A few seconds and phone clicks later, and Seth said, "Ryan, I've conferenced in Summer."

Ryan winced. Knowing Summer, the conversation was going to be filled with lots of orders. She was a handful, and she was like a sister - an opinionated, meddling sister, but a sister nonetheless. "Why'd you do that?" He whispered.

"Because she made me," Seth whispered back.

"You do know I'm right here," Summer said. "I don't have a lot of time. We're plotting this weekend's protest against corporate waste."

"How is the Bullet?" Ryan asked.

"He's good. Summer and I had dinner with him the other night after picketing in front of his Rhode Island branch."

"Isn't that a bit - "

"Hey! I got him to commit to a recycling program for the whole building. Besides, just because I don't like most of his practices doesn't mean that I can't eat with the man." Summer sounded a little defensive, but Ryan wasn't about to call her on it, and he knew Seth was smart enough to keep his mouth shut as well. "Anyway," Summer continued, "that's not why we're calling."

Ryan had a feeling he knew what was coming. "Look, Summer -"

Summer rolled right over Ryan. "We need a game plan."

"Summer, I'm telling you -" Seth started, only to be interrupted by Summer.

"Seth thinks Taylor's been recruited for a secret government mission."

"Think about it. Taylor could wear anyone down to the point where they'd tell her whatever she wanted to know just so she'd leave them alone."

Summer ignored her boyfriend. "Seth said you talked to Veronica?"

"Yeah," Ryan said, repeating what he'd told Sandy and Kirsten a few days earlier.

After a pause, Seth said, "You're lucky she isn't able to send her evil-Veronica vibe through the phone."

"Ryan, Seth said you aren't doing anything for Spring Break."

"Actually," Ryan said, "I'm hanging out with Sophie."

"Something you do almost every Sunday night, right?" Summer asked.

She made it sound way lamer that it really was, Ryan thought.

She must have realized how it sounded, so she asked quietly. "Did you and Taylor have a fight or break up over Chrismukkah?"

"Actually, everything was really good," Ryan admitted. "At least I thought so."

"Did she mention any French guys being nice to her, maybe picking up a scarf she'd dropped or giving her a tissue after she sneezed? She has a weakness for that sort of thing."

Ryan rolled his eyes at Seth's question and repeated. "Everything was good when I dropped her off at the airport."

"She was going to visit her mom for a few days before heading back to France, right?" Seth asked.

"Yeah."

"So," Seth mused, "the last we heard from Taylor, she was going to visit her mom."

"Then that's where you need to go," Summer said. "Newport's just a hop away from Berkeley."

"Summer," Ryan sighed, pressing against the sides of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. She couldn't possibly know how Taylor's obvious apathy towards him squeezed his heart until sometimes it hurt to breathe. "You can't make someone stay in your life if they don't want to be there." He'd learned that a long time ago. He didn't mention how the hurt seemed worse each time it happened or how he always tried to look at himself and figure out what about him made people want to leave.

Summer seemed to get at least some of it, her voice softer but still resolved. "Ryan, something's not right. I know Taylor, and she loves you. She's my best friend. She'd never stay out of touch with all of us like this, not if she had a choice."

"So you think Veronica has Taylor trapped in a dungeon somewhere? I can totally see that," Seth mused.

"I'm saying that this isn't like Taylor. Something's going on."

A part of Ryan wanted to believe that Taylor had a good reason for not contacting him, but he couldn't think of anything plausible, even for Taylor. "When did you ever hear of Taylor not doing what she wanted?"

"How about the time she almost didn't help us get Marissa back into Harbor?"

"And that was because of her mother," Seth mused.

"So who knows what her mom's doing to her."

Seth and Summer's volleys were all striking at the small place in his heart that still held out some hope. However, his experience had taught him to be wary. "She's an adult now; she can make her own decisions."

"But parents have some sort of power over their children," Seth said. "Look at Dad and the Nana. She comes around, and he's frantically getting rid of our ham. Or look at how Summer regresses to like, twelve, when she's around Dr. Roberts."

"Or how Seth becomes eight when he's back home with mommy and daddy," Summer said testily.

"Okay, I get your point," Ryan said, more to stop the inevitable fight than because he thought they were right.

"And even if you find out that somehow Taylor's done a total mind reversal and has realized that she doesn't want to be with us anymore, at least you'll know."

Summer's last argument rang true with Ryan. At least he would be able to move on, maybe hang out with people at a bar and not feel guilty about it. "I'll fly down there after my last midterm."

"Call and let us know how it goes," Summer said.

"Remember, Ryan. Veronica Townsend eats men as snacks and picks her teeth with their bones. Keep me apprised of your plans so I can call the cops if you go missing. Maybe they can get to you before she has you with a nice Chianti."

"Shut up, you goofball," Summer said, affection in her voice.

"I love you too, honey," Seth sang.

"Bye," Ryan said, smiling despite himself. It seemed that no matter how unreliable the rest of his life was, he could count on Seth and Summer to provide their own brand of strength.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Taylor ducked behind a pillar and watched two newpsies stroll out of the hospital. Despite the seriousness of her mom's condition, Taylor found hiding from everyone she knew to be a bit exhilarating - and a bit sad. She enjoyed going all secret agent while dodging people - and it turned out that her years of stalking really did pay off - but she quickly realized that she was hiding from more of Veronica's acquaintances than her own. She reminded herself that she did have friends; they'd just all left Newport. Julie, Kaitlin, and Julie's son, Seger, now lived in LA, the mother and daughter both attending UCLA. The Cohens and Ryan lived in Berkeley, Summer and Seth both in colleges in Rhode Island. So she did have friends, she reminded herself, just none that she could talk to right now. And her mom didn't have any friends; she just had people she knew from all of the organizations and boards that she used to chair while Taylor was in school.

After the diagnosis, Taylor'd thought that her mom would have demanded that they move too, since her misplaced pride wouldn't allow anyone to know about what she thought of as a weakness, but she'd established her business here, and she wasn't going anywhere. So they'd downsized and now hid from all of Veronica's acquaintances.

Taylor'd thought it was going to be easy; she'd been alone and friendless until Summer and Seth befriended her senior year. But now she found that it was hard to return to her lonely vigil after experiencing a support system like she'd had when she lived with Julie, Kaitlin, and Summer. Now she felt more alone than she'd ever felt before.

A part of her wanted to call Julie and swear the woman to silence, but she was sure that Julie was still best friends with Kirsten, and Taylor didn't think it was right to make Julie keep a secret from Kirsten just for her. Kirsten was probably worried about her, and Julie would want to tell her what was going on to ease her mind. Then Kirsten would tell Ryan, and all the trouble she'd gone through would've been for nothing.

Edging around the pillar, she made for the stairwell. Besides helping her stay out of sight, the stairs were the next best thing to owning a stair master. If she didn't pick up the pace, she'd be late for the volunteering shift she'd picked up while her mom was going through chemo.

Along the way, her stomach growled. Breathlessly, she placed a hand against it and told herself that she needed to have more than a piece of toast for breakfast. Then she realized that she'd left the toast on the counter after her mother had called for help. Making a mental note to eat later, she hurried up the stairs.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Ryan fell back on his bed at the Mermaid Inn and closed his eyes. He'd arrived in Newport that morning, immediately rented a car, and drove to the Townsend house - or what had been the Townsend house and was now the home to what seemed like twenty dogs. The maid who'd answered the door didn't have any information on the whereabouts of the previous owner, although she did gossip that she'd heard her employers bought the house for a song, because the previous owners had had to sell. While disturbing news, that information didn't help him find Taylor. He'd gone through directory assistance and the post office, but Taylor and her mom were unlisted, and unsurprisingly, the post office wouldn't release any details. He'd already called Veronica's office line and gotten the answering service, and the only office address he could find was for one of those mailbox stores that could sign for packages. Of course they weren't going to give him any information. He figured he could hang out around the store and hope someone he recognized picked up the mail, but that was a long shot. Besides, stalking was Taylor's forte, not his, and he'd probably end up in jail for loitering.

He'd only been here one day, and he'd already exhausted all of his ideas for finding her. It had been a stupid idea to come, he mused as he pulled off his clothes and got into the shower. It was just that the more he thought about it, the more sense Summer's explanation made. Taylor was strange, but she never set out to hurt those she loved. She was smart; she had to know that cutting herself off from all of them would hurt, especially since she knew his past. So what was going on with her that she'd treat all of them this way?

Drying himself off, he caught the muffled sound of his cell phone, and he hurried into the bedroom to grab it.

"How was your flight?" Sandy asked. He and Kirsten had not only agreed that Ryan should go, they were paying for the entire trip.

"Uneventful," Ryan said, rubbing the towel over his hair again. "That pretty much describes the whole trip so far."

"You haven't even been there twenty-four hours," Sandy pointed out to him.

"And yet I've already run out of ideas." Ryan walked Sandy through the day.

"Well," Sandy mused. "Kirsten put in a call to Veronica and left a message with her answering service. We haven't heard back so far. She also called Julie to make sure Taylor hadn't called her or Kaitlin in the last few days. I can call up some of my old contacts, and I'm sure Kirsten won't mind digging out her newpsie telephone log."

"Thanks," Ryan said. "I appreciate it." And he did. Through everything, Kirsten and Sandy had been on his side, always offering their support. Sometimes Ryan thought he didn't do enough to show how much he appreciated their taking him into their family, but how did you thank someone for saving your life?

"Take it easy and relax. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Night."

Sandy set down his phone and sighed.

"Ryan hasn't had any luck yet?" Kirsten asked, looking up from her paperwork.

"Not so far. I told him we'd call up some of our old Newport contacts, see if anyone can help."

Kirsten left her desk and curled up next to Sandy on the sofa. "What else is bothering you?"

"I just hate to see Ryan hurting like this, and there's nothing we can do." He felt Kirsten rest her head on his shoulder and her hand on his arm, and he let himself accept her comfort. "Did I tell you about the night Trey left for Vegas?"

"And you caught up with them just in time to see Ryan standing there, watching Trey's bus leave?"

All it took was a blink, and he was back to that night, standing beside his son, feeling the small tremors going through Ryan's body as they watched the bus disappear. For the first time ever - and the only time since - Ryan had dropped his head onto Sandy's shoulder and leaned into him, lost and alone. Sandy'd ached for Ryan, but he had to admit that he'd been glad to be there, to hold on to Ryan so the boy wouldn't fall into pieces and blow away.

With all the problems Seth had created over the years, he rarely missed an opportunity to express his feelings. Ryan, on the other hand, kept everything inside, like molten lava, until he exploded with emotion, one of the reasons he'd gotten into so many fights, Sandy was sure. Strange, delightful Taylor had a way of throwing Ryan off balance and drawing him out so that he had no choice but to react. Now, the shuttered look was back in Ryan's eyes, and Sandy had to admit that he missed hearing the Taylor stories Ryan would bring with him on Sunday nights.

"Don't worry. He'll find her. All he has to do is think -what would Taylor do?'."

"Great," Sandy snorted, lightening the mood. "That's all we need. Two people thinking like Taylor Townsend."

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Pounding on his door woke Ryan the next morning. Shooting up in bed, he first thought he was in his dorm room, and it took him a few seconds to remember where he was. Rolling out of bed, he shuffled to the door and shouted, "What!" as he opened it.

"I see you're still dressing for the ladies," Seth said, grinning at Ryan's boxers.

"You didn't have to pound on the door!" Summer glared at Seth before eyeballing Ryan. "Feel free to punch him if you want."

Ryan shielded his body with the door, all his befuddled mind could manage at the moment. "Wh-what are you two doing here?"

"We thought about it and decided that finding Taylor takes precedence over getting a tan at the beach. The Nana totally understood once we explained it to her and promised to visit this summer." Summer pushed open the door and walked inside. "It's dark in here."

"I was sleeping," Ryan muttered, still hiding behind the door. It wasn't as effective now that Summer was inside, but the door was all he had at the moment.

"Well, get some clothes on."

Ryan glared at the back of Summer's head as Seth strolled into the room. "I brought coffee." He waved it under Ryan's nose until Ryan grabbed it with both hands. "Seriously, put on a shirt. You're making me look bad in front of my girlfriend."

Ryan gave Seth a look but snatched some clothes from his duffle bag with his free hand and walked into the bathroom to change.

"I talked to Dad, and he told us that you didn't come up with anything yesterday," Seth shouted through the door.

"Nah. But he and Kirsten are going to call around, see if anyone has seen Taylor or her mom."

"Forget that," Summer said as Ryan walked out of the bathroom. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and started to dial.

Seth stepped closer to Ryan. "Have you run into anyone from the old gang?"

Ryan blinked. "What old gang?" His thoughts took him to Marissa, and he saw her face in his mind, her smile, the wind blowing back her hair.

Shrugging, Seth gave Ryan one of his goofy grins. "I've just always wanted to say that."

Ryan couldn't help but return Seth's smile with a small one of his own. Suddenly, he was glad that they'd come. Last night, he'd felt overwhelmed, but today, having Seth and Summer with him and coffee entering his system, he felt optimistic.

"What's up with staying here?" Seth looked around the room, his nose crinkled. "I know this place has memories -"

"Both good and bad," Ryan interjected. "Remember Julie and Luke?"

"But there was Theresa," Seth added, before remembering the rest of the story. "Of course that was both good and bad too, wasn't it?"

"See you then, bitch!" Summer said enthusiastically before hanging up the phone. "Seth, we're going to stop by Taylor's favorite Korean restaurant before having lunch with some of the girls at the yacht club."

"I'm sure that's just a girl thing," Seth said. "I'll just hang out with Ryan."

"Actually, some of them are bringing their kids, so you'll fit right in." Summer turned to Ryan. "You should go check out the places where you and Taylor spent time. Go by the comic book store, check inside El Pollo Loco -"

"El Pavo Guapo," Ryan corrected.

"Whatever. We'll give you a call after lunch and compare notes." She looked Ryan in the eyes for a moment before saying, "You'd planned on doing that today anyway, hadn't you?"

Ryan didn't say anything but gave her a look that he knew she understood. Before he'd finally fallen asleep last night, he'd decided to visit the places that held memories for him, where he and Taylor began learning about each other. He was going to keep an eye out for anyone who might know her, but his main thought was to just be in the places that reminded him of her. Summer's smile showed that she knew.

"Maybe we could meet at the diner," Seth suggested, oblivious to their unspoken conversation.

Ryan agreed and watched Summer leave. Seth walked outside, his hand holding the door open a crack as he muttered to Summer, gave her his cup of coffee, and returned to the room. "How're you handling all this?" Closing the door, Seth sat in one of the chairs at the table and stretched out his legs, resting his folded hands on his stomach.

Taking a sip of his coffee, Ryan sat on the bed. "I'm okay, I guess."

"One minute, you're at school telling me that you've decided to wash Taylor out of your hair, and the next, we're all here determined to find her. It sounds like you've found your hope."

"I miss her," Ryan heard himself saying. He hadn't had much one-on-one time with Seth, and he realized that he'd missed that too.

"That's because you love her, and I'm willing to bet that somewhere deep inside you know she loves you too. There's something else going on here, and we'll figure it out." Seth stood and walked back to the door. "You know, we're missing out on a lot of college-themed events at the beaches in Florida."

"She's worth it," Ryan said, his resolve adding emphasis to his words.

Seth grinned at him and left.

Ryan quickly finished getting ready and grabbed his keys. He didn't know if it were the arrival of Seth and Summer or the beginning of a new day or just the great feeling that he was once again taking an active role in his life, but today felt like a day filled with answers.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Taylor couldn't seem to shake off her lethargy this morning. Making a mental note to get a large cup of coffee as soon as she could - they could only keep decaf in the house now that her mom had to eat healthier but refused to stop drinking her caffeinated special roast - she slowly dressed, closing her eyes for a second to regain her equilibrium. Figuring she'd gotten up too quickly, she ignored it and put up her bed. She made a mental list of her tasks for the day and realized that on this rare Sunday, she would have some free time alone after dropping off her mom at the hospital. She'd planned on spending time there too; surprisingly, the hospital had enough volunteers for the day. She figured she could take come time off work and stop by the diner, maybe get a short stack. She tried to remember the last time she'd been there, around the pier. She couldn't recall any specifics, but she was sure Ryan had been with her. Going there now would definitely bring back memories, but it was a beautiful day, and reliving good times seemed like a wonderful idea.

After dropping off her mom, Taylor parked by the pier and grabbed her sunglasses and scarf, figuring this would be the place she'd be recognized. But one woman alone, strolling down the pier, shouldn't grab too much attention, she reasoned. After all, no one was expecting to see her there. With a satisfied smile, she put a hand over her rumbling stomach and anticipated a firm jolt of caffeine.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Ryan had tried the restaurant and the comic book store, and while he had enjoyed saying hello to Luis, he was disappointed that no one had seen Taylor. She hadn't been a regular at either place until after she'd become friends with Summer and started dating him, so it wasn't surprising that if she were in town, she wouldn't come to these places alone.

Walking down the pier, Ryan let the memories assail him: biking down with Seth on his skateboard, meeting up with Summer and Marissa...funny how thinking about Marissa now brought a small pang, a sadness for the briefness of her life. Ryan wondered what she'd be like now if she'd survived the crash. Now, Marissa would forever stay the smiling, tragic high school student with a big heart and a penchant for getting into trouble. Sandy'd been right, years ago, when he'd told Ryan that he'd never get over it, but he'd get used to it.

Leaning against the railing, Ryan looked at his watch, realizing that he was way early to meet Seth and Summer. He let the wind blow through his hair and smiled as he recalled his times here with Taylor, the way she'd ask him something that sounded innocuous. He'd learned here how to read her infrequent silences, the way she'd hold herself still as she waited for his answers, the way she folded her lips or held her mouth slightly ajar when the answers meant more than she was pretending.

A young couple walked by him, holding hands and kissing, and Ryan felt that familiar ache in his heart. For so long, all he could feel were hurt and resentment that Taylor'd left him without a word. But the more he talked to Kirsten and Sandy, Seth and Summer, the more he began to worry that something was wrong. Had he been so focused on himself that he hadn't allowed himself to be there for Taylor?

He turned, leaning his back against the rail, and absently watched everyone enjoying the beautiful Saturday. He could just imagine Taylor here, that little swish in her step...

Pushing off the rail, he narrowed his eyes and stared at a lone woman walking toward him. He knew that swish. That was Taylor's swish. He tried to get a good look at her face, but the large sunglasses hid most of it, and the scarf covered her hair. The clothes were baggier than how Taylor tended to wear them, but still...

She swished by him, and one part of Ryan reasoned that after all his searching, he would never accidentally run into her on the pier. The other part of him called out, "Taylor!"

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Taylor found that walking straight was becoming a bit of a challenge. She felt lightheaded and nauseous and tried to remember when she'd last eaten. It didn't matter. What she needed to do was make it to the diner and sit down. She was sure she'd be fine once she ate something. Stupid, stupid, she chastised herself. How could she continue to take care of her mom if she didn't take care of herself? She made a mental note to create an eating schedule for herself so that this never happened again. So busy focusing on her plans and getting to the diner, Taylor automatically turned when she heard her name.

All of the breath seemed to leave her body. She wanted to look at him forever, to reach out and touch him to make sure he was real, to feel his arms around her, his cheek against hers. Her heart started to pound, and she mouthed his name before everything went black.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

As soon as he saw her turn and her lips tremble, Ryan knew it was Taylor. For a moment, a series of emotions washed over him, relief, happiness, anger, resentment, and then fear as she crumpled to the ground.

"Taylor!" He rushed beside her, taking off her sunglasses as he noted her pale face, the dark half moons under her eyes. Cupping her face in his hands, he whispered her name over and over again until it became a chant.

Eventually her eyes fluttered, and she opened them to reveal some of what he'd felt earlier - shock, pleasure, then wariness. "Ryan, what are you doing here?" She whispered.

He answered the only way he could. "Looking for you."

Someone over his shoulder said, "Call an ambulance."

Taylor heard it too. "No ambulance! I'm fine." She grabbed Ryan's arm, and he helped her sit upright.

"Maybe you should let someone -" Ryan started.

"I'm fine, really." Taylor insisted. "Help me up so everyone will stop staring at me."

Ryan pulled her to her feet, but she still needed to lean on him for balance.

"Thanks, everyone, but I'm fine!" Taylor said, cheerfully, waving off the crowd. They slowly dispersed, and Taylor's grip on Ryan's arm lessened. All this time, her eyes had never left Ryan's face. He knew, because she was his entire focus. "I just - I was just surprised. I didn't expect to see you here."

Recognizing her chattering defense mechanism, Ryan ignored her and examined her closely. Her eyes looked larger, filled with exhaustion and anxiety. She was trying to keep a smile on her expressive mouth, but he could see the struggle she was having maintaining it. He reached up and pulled off her scarf, silencing her for the moment. "Taylor, what's going on?"

She suddenly looked as if she was going to cry, but somehow she regained control of herself. He saw her determination return, and she firmed that false smile. "How long have you been here?" She asked, pulling him down the boardwalk. "The weather's been amazing, so you've picked a good time. I hope you're not missing school."

"Taylor -"

"Once you get behind in some classes, it's hard to catch up."

"Taylor -"

"You're so smart, and you work so hard that I'd hate for that to happen to you."

Frustrated, Ryan said, "It's Spring Break."

That managed to stop Taylor's monologue for a brief moment. "Oh."

"What's going on?"

Flashing him another brilliant, completely fake smile, she said, "You know me, busy as the proverbial bee. How's Summer? I'm sure she and Seth are having a blast. Well, here I am. It's been great catching up with you." With the speed of a cheetah, Taylor opened the door to a small, crappy car, slid into it, and was gone before Ryan could stop her.

What the hell? Ryan hadn't gone through all of this just to lose her. Luckily, he wasn't parked far, and he raced to his rental.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

Taylor tried to keep herself calm as she drove out of the parking lot. The last thing she needed was to pass out again while she was behind the wheel of a car. Her mom's hospital bills were already a drain on their finances; she couldn't afford to total the only car they owned. Making sure she stayed within five miles of the speed limit - she liked to maintain a low profile with law enforcement after fixing the warning that had somehow gotten attached to her passport - she tried to keep an eye in her rearview mirror to make sure Ryan wasn't following her, but she didn't see his jeep. Maybe he flew and rented a car?

"What's he doing here?" She asked aloud. She'd expected to dodge some newpsies or maybe some old classmates, but she'd never expected Ryan. Was it just her imagination, or did his chest look wider, like he'd been working out more than usual? His eyes, so full of concern and confusion had nearly outdone her, and then he'd had the nerve to use those lips at her, moving them around as he talked. She'd wanted to take his bottom lip in her teeth and...

"Down, girl," she ordered herself. She still had some time before she needed to pick up her mom, and she wasn't far from home. She'd grab a bite, get her hands to stop shaking, and figure out a way to keep herself from tracking down Ryan.

OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC OC

"None of the girls have heard from or seen Taylor or her mom," Summer said on speaker. "Maybe they've moved."

"Amber says she thought she'd heard something about how Veronica had married some professional Russian athlete and moved away," Seth added.

"You two seemed awfully chummy at lunch."

Seth seemed to recognize Summer's tone. "I was trying to pump her for information."

"For someone who treated you like crap in high school, she was sure interested in what you had to say today."

"Guys," Ryan said.

"We also went to Taylor's Korean restaurant. Seung Ho's helping out there during Spring Break, and he said he hasn't heard from Taylor in about six months." Seth said, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Ryan," Summer said gently. "Maybe she's not here."

"I think we need to regroup. Have you had lunch? The newpsies eat like birds, and I'm starving for a burger," Seth said.

"She's here."

"Now that she's not restricted to boats and trains, Taylor could be anywhere," Seth said.

"I'm parked outside of her house."

"What?" Summer shouted. "How'd you find her?"

"Actually, I ran into her on the boardwalk while I was waiting for you." His palms tingled slightly as he remembered cupping her face. Her skin had been cool but just as soft and smooth as he remembered.

"What happened?"

Almost smiling at Summer's excited voice, he explained, "She was hiding behind these huge sunglasses and a scarf." He absently fingered the scarf beside him as he recounted the details of the last half hour.

"What're you going to do?" Seth asked.

"I don't know," Ryan admitted. "She's driving this crappy little car and lives in this little townhouse. There's something going on here, and I can't figure out what it is."

"Does Taylor know you followed her?"

"I doubt it. I was careful."

"I'm starving, Summer's starving, and I bet you haven't eaten anything at all. Let's grab something at the diner and come up with a plan."

Ryan agreed and called Kirsten and Sandy to update them.

"How'd she look?" Kirsten asked.

"Tired. Sad. She's lost some weight."

"She was thin enough already," Kirsten muttered.

Sandy spoke from the other phone, "Did she look like she was ill?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm guessing her passing out's not a good sign."

"At least you found her," Kirsten said, the relief and worry in her voice echoing Ryan's own emotions.

"Keep us posted, son," Sandy said.

"Will do." Ryan hung up as he entered the diner and found Seth and Summer sitting at the booth where they'd spent so much time.

"We ordered for you," Seth said. "We figured you'd want the usual."

"Thanks," Ryan said, although his mind was still on Taylor. Now that he'd seen how frail she looked, he wasn't interested in food. He just wanted Taylor and some answers.

Summer placed her hand over his. "You found her. That was the hardest part."

Ryan sighed. "Until about an hour ago, I would've agreed with you. But she's hiding something -" He broke off as the waitress delivered their food.

"Look, honey, manna from heaven," Seth muttered, grabbing the ketchup.

They ate quietly for a few minutes, giving Ryan a chance to go over Taylor's every move. It was obvious that she was hiding something, but did it have something to do with her health? Why was she living in such a small place? Had her mom kicked her out again? She'd stayed with Julie last time, but Julie'd told both Summer and Kirsten that Taylor hadn't stopped in LA. For some reason, Taylor hadn't returned to the Sorbonne to finish her last year. The more he thought about it, the more questions he had.

"That's it," Summer said, slamming down her empty glass. "We're leaving here and heading to Taylor's."

Ryan and Seth looked at each other.

"We're all sitting here with tons of questions, while the one with the answers isn't far away." Summer paused. "Taylor's our friend, and it sounds like she needs us."

"It's why we're here," Ryan agreed.

Twenty minutes later, they pulled across the street to Taylor's townhouse.

"That's it?" Seth asked from the passenger seat, scrunching his nose.

"I'm sure it's nicer than it seems," Summer said loyally from the back seat. "Knowing Taylor, it's very clean inside."

"Let's find out." Seth suggested.

"Hold on a second," Ryan said as the door opened.

Taylor stepped out and held the screen door open for her mom. Veronica, wearing dark sunglasses, reached for Taylor's hand and let her daughter help her down the sidewalk and into the car.

"You're right; Taylor has lost a lot of weight," Summer whispered. "But it looks like her mom's the sick one."

"Why're you whispering?" Seth asked quietly.

Summer stared at her boyfriend. "Why are you?"

Taylor ran back to the house, closed the door, and got into the driver's side of her car. After a few seconds, she started the car and drove away.

Summer slapped Ryan on the shoulder. "Follow them!"

"But be stealth," Seth advised sagely.

In short order, they arrived at the back entrance of the hospital and watched Taylor and Veronica - both hiding behind large sunglasses and looking around furtively - walk inside.

"What now?" Seth asked.

"You two stay here. My dad worked here for years, and remember, I was a candy striper."

"I still say you should've kept that outfit," Seth said, grinning.

Summer rolled her eyes and got out of the car. "I'll be back."

Seth asked Ryan how things were going and then proceeded to regale Ryan with his own college stories while they waited. Ryan caught a few words here and there but spent most of his time focused on the hospital, question after question running through his mind.

It seemed like hours before Summer returned, although it was probably only about thirty minutes.

Closing the door, bottle of water in her hand, Summer relayed what she'd found. "Taylor's mom has breast cancer. According to the nurses, Taylor's been taking care of everything - her mom, the business, and the finances."

"What do you mean finances?" Seth asked, taking the water bottle and helping himself to a drink.

"It turns out that Veronica never got her own health insurance, so they have to pay for everything themselves."

"That explains the apartment and crappy car," Seth said.

"While her mom does her chemotherapy, Taylor volunteers." Summer smiled. "Evidently, Taylor's skills haven't changed much since high school."

"So people are scared to look her in the eye and run away as fast as possible?" Seth asked.

"Let's just say that that after she instituted a series of elder mixers and succeeded in hooking up a few randy octogenarians, she was placed in charge of reading to the coma patients."

"I so don't want to picture that dance," Seth groaned.

Ryan grinned. The thought that Taylor was still being the Taylor that he loved made him feel relieved. He felt bad about Veronica, but he was so... grateful that it wasn't Taylor.

"They enjoy her energy; it's just that it's a bit -"

"Much?" Ryan offered.

Summer smiled back at him.

"What about the weight loss?" Seth asked.

"The nurses say that they don't think Taylor's been taking care of herself very well. She seems to be shouldering the burden all alone. They'd been wondering where all of her friends and other family were."

"What'd you tell them?" Ryan asked.

"I said that we were here now and that Taylor was going to get our help whether she wanted it or not. They're going to keep our conversation a secret right now, though. I told them it was a surprise."

"Good." Ryan said as he started the car.

"What's the plan?" Seth asked.

"I'm heading over there tomorrow morning."

"What about Veronica?" Seth asked. "She'll be there."

Summer waved a piece of paper in the air. "Why don't you call Taylor and schedule a rendezvous? This is her new, unlisted cell number."

Seth looked at her as Ryan took the paper. "'Schedule a rendezvous'? Have you been reading romance novels again?"

"Only the ones you've finished," Summer shot back, grinning.

Ryan stared at the piece of paper and smiled at Summer. "Great job."

Summer bowed her head modestly, "Thank you, thank you very much."

Ryan pulled out his phone and hesitated. "What if she'd turned it off?" Gesturing to the hospital, he asked, "Don't you have to turn off your cell phones in there?"

"In designated areas," Summer acknowledged. "Why don't we go to a movie or something, and you can call her afterward?"

As difficult as it was waiting, Ryan agreed but said, "You two go out. I'm going to head back to the hotel."

"Are you sure?" Seth asked.

"I have some work to do anyway."

"Dude, it's Spring Break."

Ryan gave Seth a look.

"Okay, okay. We'll grab our rental and meet you back at the hotel later. To the pier, Jeeves."

Holding back a snort, Ryan left the hospital, already anticipating hearing Taylor's voice again. In the meantime, he could work on some set ideas he'd gotten for Grease.

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Taylor was amazed at how much better she felt after eating. She hadn't been able to get much down, but she'd made herself a small salad and added some meat for protein. Her dizziness had subsided, and her hands had stopped shaking. She was still a little tired; she supposed the stress wasn't helping her to sleep well, but she was still functioning. She didn't want to take a sleeping pill in case her mom needed her in the middle of the night for something.

They'd arrived home, and Veronica had started breathing funny. Scared, Taylor had called the hospital, and the next thing she knew, she was leading her mother back into the car and to the hospital. Fortunately, Veronica's problem wasn't serious, and here they were, back at home for the second time that day.

As she helped her mom from the car, she wondered what Ryan was doing. All these months, she'd done her best to keep Ryan as far from her thoughts as possible, but now that she'd seen him again and felt his warmth, all she could do was watch the memories replay through her mind. While she'd waited for her mother, she'd snuck into one of her favorite patient's rooms to keep her mind of off everything. It hadn't really worked; she'd been distracted the entire time she'd read to Mr. Montgomery. He was in a coma, so she hoped he hadn't noticed her poor performance. Funny, she thought distractedly, she'd been assigned to the coma patients more often lately. Maybe she was helping them in some way. It was nice to think that she was helping someone, because she wasn't sure what to do about her own life. Obviously, she'd made a mistake succumbing to weakness to eat in the diner. She slid a longing look to her mom, who was now sleeping in bed. It was times like this that she wished she had a mom like Kirsten, someone she could talk to about everything. Unfortunately, she couldn't call anyone, because her mom had sworn her to secrecy. She walked out of the bedroom, closing the door softly.

He hand inched toward her phone, sitting by her purse on the counter. She could just call him and...

And what? She asked herself. Tell him a lie? She'd end up hearing his voice and crumbling like a piece of feta cheese.

Grabbing the phone, she walked over and fell back on the sofa. Maybe she could take a nap before making dinner.

Her phone rang, startling her. No one except the hospital and her mom had the number. She'd just left one and put the other to bed. Maybe the hospital was calling to check up on Veronica. "Hello?"

"Taylor."

Ryan's voice shot an electric current through her, and she sat up, her heart pounding so loudly she wouldn't have been surprised if he'd heard it too.

"Taylor?" His voice sounded softer, tentative, and it made her want to cry.

"Ryan?" She whispered.

"I need to see you."

Bad idea, her mind whispered. She glanced at her mom's closed door and walked out into the backyard, wrinkling her nose at the smell. "I can't."

"I know about your mom."

"You know what about my mom?" Taylor asked, stalling. How'd he find out about Veronica? Where was he? How did he get her new telephone number? How was she going to say no to him?

"I know she has cancer, I know you've been trying to take care of everything by yourself."

Taylor closed her eyes to stop the tears. How she wished she could tell Ryan everything, but she loved him too much for that. Instead, she pressed the phone harder against her ear and her fingertips to her mouth.

After a pause, Ryan said, "You know you don't have to go through this alone."

"Ryan," she tried to say, but her voice broke. She took a fortifying breath and tried again. "Mom and I are doing okay. I don't need you to rescue me. Now I need to go."

"Taylor -"

"Bye, Ryan," Taylor whispered and hung up before she could change her mind.

The phone rang again, but she ignored it as she tried to regain her equilibrium.

The phone continued to ring for the next half hour. Instead of turning off her phone, she pulled a chair to the backyard and sat, the phone on her lap. She felt the pain of loss, but there was also the love for a man who wouldn't give up on her. She knew her heart would break when the phone finally fell silent, but she couldn't help staring at it,

Finally, when she couldn't stand it any longer, she answered again. "Stop calling me." Please don't stop calling me.

"I'm coming over."

"What? How do you know where I live?" She began to panic. Running into him at the pier and talking to him on the phone was one thing; having him over at the house was another. Her mom would flay her.

Ryan said her address. "I'll be there in five minutes."

"Wait!" She couldn't let Veronica see him. "You can't come here."

"Then meet me."

She'd give in if she met him; they both knew it. "No."

"I'll see you in five."

"Wait!" She tried to think. "Where do you want to meet?"

"The Mermaid Hotel, room 137."

"How about the diner?" She offered, preferring somewhere public where she might be able to control herself.

"What if someone sees you? I'm guessing your sunglasses and scarf weren't purely for decoration."

Damn. "Fine, I'll meet you tomorrow morning at eight, but only if you promise to leave afterward and stop bothering me."

Ryan paused a moment before saying, "I'll see you tomorrow," and disconnecting.

How was she going to keep away from Ryan in a hotel room, just the two of them, the bed right there? Suddenly, she regretted selling her suit of armor on e-bay for some fast cash a few months ago.

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Ryan paced in front of his door and looked at his watch again. Taylor had five minutes before he went to her house.

His cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Is she there yet?" Seth asked.

"No, just like she wasn't two minutes ago when you last called."

"Summer made me call," Seth said before grunting in pain. "I promise, we won't call again for at least another hour." Summer shrieked in the background as Seth shouted, "Quiet, woman!" and disconnected.

Ryan closed his phone and tossed it on the bed just as he heard a knock on the door. Opening it, he saw Taylor, pretty as always, standing hesitantly, looking like she'd love to turn around and get back into her car. She still looked tired and worried, and Ryan could see the darkness under her eyes that she'd tried to cover up with makeup. He wondered if she'd spent the night like him, unable to sleep, missing the connection they'd used to have. The thought that he was causing her more stress provided no comfort, but he hoped that she'd realize she could rely on his strength to help her get through her mom's illness.

Opening the door wide, Ryan gave her room. She still looked hesitant, like he was the big bad wolf. "I'm not going to jump you," he said, sounding more irritated than he felt.

Taking a few steps in the room, she muttered quietly, "You're not the one I'm worried about."

Ryan felt his lips turn up in a brief smile at her mumblings as he closed the door, but he wiped it from his face when he turned back to face her. He was fighting for them, and this was their last battle. He knew they both felt it.

"Ryan," Taylor began, taking a breath, her fingers twining around the straps of her purse.

Ryan knew the look, recognized the breath, and leaned against the door as Taylor began one of her tirades listing the reasons why they couldn't be a couple. She talked about how she'd changed since Chrismukkah, how she wanted to start a new life, a difficult task while still being in contact with the people from the old one. It sounded a little rehearsed, and Ryan could picture her writing it and practicing it until she had it memorized. This was his Taylor, the Taylor he loved with all her quirks.

While he listened, Ryan paid more attention to how she kept moistening her lips and looking at everything but his eyes and the bed. She had such sadness in her face that it broke his heart. She needed him, even if she didn't realize it.

Finally, as she started to slow, he stepped closer to her and watched her falter, her breath catch a little. "Do you still love me?"

She dug her fingers into her purse straps, raised her chin, and said, "No, I don't. I'm sorry, but you've made me say it."

If he didn't know her so well - or if he'd still been the Ryan of a few days ago who only thought of the cost of being left and not of how difficult it could be being the one to leave - he'd have believed her. Instead, his heart pounding, he took the risk for them both. Gently pulling the purse from her and dropping it on the table, he said, "You're lying."

Her voice desperate, she started to reiterate her reasons, faltering as Ryan drew closer. She began to step backward until her legs hit the bed. Ryan was close enough to feel her deep exhalation as she held out her hand, her palm against his chest. "You said you weren't going to jump me," she reminded him, even as her fingers curled against him.

Ryan gently pushed her hand away, closed the gap, and wrapped his arms around her, using the hug to convey his love and his support. Not a toucher by nature, he remembered plenty of times when a hug would have made so many things bearable, and he wanted to give that to her.

At first Taylor continued to stand rigidly, arms by her side. He felt her shudder, her arms slowly raise. She gasped, and suddenly she began to cry, silent tears that shook her body.

Surprised and worried, Ryan continued to hold her. He'd only seen Taylor cry a few times, a few tears running down her cheeks that she swept aside. But these tears felt like they were being unearthed from her soul. All he knew to do was hold on to her and let her use him as a life raft.

Eventually, her crying slowed, and Ryan let her arms drop before he slid his hands down her arms to hold her hands and intertwine their fingers.

She looked up at him, her face red and shiny with tears, and Ryan thought she'd never looked more beautiful.

"I'm sorry," she said self-consciously.

"You don't have to apologize," Ryan whispered. "I want to be here for you." A look crossed Taylor's face. "What?"

"Nothing," she said and looked away.

Ryan sat her on the bed, let go with one hand to snag a box of tissues from the night stand, and handed the box to her. "Talk."

Taking a tissue, Taylor told him about the last few months and how her mom had made her promise not to tell anyone.

"I'm not just anyone," Ryan said, a little frustrated.

"Remember our last night at Sandy and Kirsten's, when we were lying on the sofa after watching "Blood Bath 4"?"

"Sure." How many times had he relived that night?

"You said you hadn't had to rescue anyone in so long that you'd probably forgotten how. You looked so happy. Then I came down here and found out about mom. What was I supposed to do? Ask you to leave school and come rescue me somehow? There was nothing you could do, and I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend, the one who always needs to be saved."

In all of his re-imaginings of that night, he'd forgotten about that part of the conversation. Now he remembered how he'd thought that while he still missed Marissa, he was glad he was with someone so self sufficient. "Taylor, you are one of the most capable people I know."

A knock sounded at the door, and with a sigh, Ryan rose to answer it. He wasn't shocked by the knock; in fact, he was a little surprised at how much time they had granted him. "I guess I didn't mention that I'm not alone," he said as he opened the door.

"Out of my way, Atwood," Summer muttered as she walked to a now-standing Taylor, grabbed her by the arms, and shook her. "You never, ever, ever run away from your friends, do you hear me?" She stopped shaking Taylor and stared at her in the face before hugging her. "I've missed you."

Seth sauntered in after Summer and let Ryan close the door. "After about half an hour, Summer realized that while I promised we wouldn't call for an hour, I hadn't said anything about not visiting."

"It's okay," Ryan said and realized that the knot inside him had disappeared. Taylor was right where she was supposed to be - with him.

Summer pulled away from Taylor and asked, "Are you crying?"

Taylor grabbed another tissue. "I'm sorry. I've just felt so alone..." She blew loudly.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your best friend."

"I promised mom I wouldn't say anything. Besides, if I told you, you'd tell Seth. Then Seth would tell Ryan, and I didn't want to be a burden."

"What about college?" Summer asked.

"I graduated early," Taylor shrugged, like it was done everyday. "I got my diploma in the mail the other day."

"What'd your mom say?" Summer asked.

"It really hasn't come up," Taylor said. "She has a lot to deal with..."

Summer pushed Taylor onto the bed and sat beside her, taking her hand. "How is your mom?"

Taylor covered a yawn with her hand. "We have our fingers crossed that we found it in time." Flopping back on the bed and closing her eyes, she added, "That reminds me. She needs breakfast and her pills. This bed feels really good, much better than that sofa bed I've..."

Summer looked at Ryan and Seth. "She just fell asleep. She must be exhausted."

"Of course she is," Seth said. "She's been handling Veronica Townsend all by herself for three months."

"Ryan, stay with her. Seth and I will go over and take care of Veronica."

"What?" Seth asked.

Summer ignored him and rooted around Taylor's tiny purse. "House keys," she muttered, slipping them off the key ring, "and what is this?" She opened a sheet of paper and started to read, "Ryan, the past few months, since Chrismukkah, I've really changed."

Smiling, Ryan snatched the paper from Summer. "I've already heard that once today, thanks."

Summer laughed and continued to dig in Taylor's purse. "Here's her to-do list." She handed it to Seth.

"Eight am, meet Ryan. 8:30am, give mom breakfast and pills," he read. "Look, Ryan, she gave you half an hour."

"Let's go," Summer told Seth, pulling him to the door. She turned to Ryan. "Tell her not to worry about her mom. Seth and I can take care of Veronica. After all, I've been fighting big business for years."

"But this is Veronica," Seth whined, opening the door.

Ignoring Seth, Summer added, "We'll call the Cohens on our way and let them know that everything's going to be okay. I'm sure Taylor has lists at her place that will tell us how to take care of Veronica. Besides, the woman has no hair or makeup. How scary can she be?" Summer walked out of the room.

Seth paused, staring at her back as she left. "Are you kidding? That sounds like the opening scene from a horror movie." He turned to Ryan and mouthed, "Help me!"

"I heard that," Summer called.

"I didn't say anything," Seth yelled, whispering proudly to Ryan, "That woman has the ears of a bat." He closed the door behind him.

Ryan looked down at Taylor, who for the first time since he'd run into her at the pier, looked totally at peace, her hair scattered, a hand up to her mouth. He took off her shoes and smiled when she curled her toes. Carefully pulling down the covers as much as he could, Ryan picked her up and placed her between the sheets.

"Ryan," Taylor muttered, and Ryan had to pause a moment to run a finger down her soft cheek.

After a brief hesitation, Ryan kicked off his own shoes and slid into bed beside her. Without hesitation, Taylor rolled over to him and placed her head on his chest, wrapping her arm around him. "I've missed you."

They had a lot to discuss, but for now, it was enough to have her with him. Ryan kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, content to just be with the woman he loved and thought he'd lost.

The End