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Decisions and Regrets
by Starbucks Sue
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs walked into the cabin which housed the communications centre on the ship and laughed silently as he saw his people. "A little sleepy?" He teased his two jet-lagged agents gently.
Vivienne Blackadder was practically asleep where she sat, with head bowed and chin resting on her steepled fingers she didn't even look up at his entrance, but it was his youngest agent that Gibbs' gaze landed on. Anthony DiNozzo had obviously had a shower somewhere along the line and without the aid of his usual hair products his soft hair flopped gently around his face, the sleepy unguarded gaze making him look very young and vulnerable. As Gibbs spoke he looked up with an affectionate welcoming grin that reminded the older man painfully of the way his daughter Kelly would gaze at him when he'd come home from a long tour and found her dozing on the couch where she had been allowed to wait up for him; half awake and half asleep she'd given an almost identical look as Tony before launching herself at him for a long hug. Kelly and his wife Shannon's deaths may have happened twenty years ago but sometimes little things that Tony did or said brought back so many memories of his only child, if she'd lived Kelly would have been almost Tony's age and the younger man constantly brought out Gibbs' paternal instincts and reminded the older man of all he had missed out on.
The senior agent was interested to see that Tony had brought Viv with him, he had given his subordinate the choice but he hadn't been certain that Tony would bring Viv. Although she was older than Tony the former FBI agent hadn't been with NCIS long and didn't yet have much experience as a field agent, she also resented the fact that the younger agent had seniority over her and it grated having to take orders from him. Gibbs was worried that her interest in Hassan Mohammed was too personal because of her brother's death and he knew Tony harbored similar concerns. But she was here now and Gibbs would use her, it would be a test to her strength of character.
Giving the younger members of his team time to relax, Gibbs continued to keep watch over the search for Mohammed, as they searched for a boat which could carry the submersible they identified the Deep Blue Explorer heading to Cadiz close to the Naval Base at Rota which was an obvious target, it pleased Gibbs, both he and Tony spoke fluent Spanish which would make the whole operation go much more smoothly.
Twelve hours later and Gibbs was pissed, very pissed, not to mention bruised although true to form he hadn't complained or shown any physical side effects of his injuries.
Despite all her assurances to the contrary Vivienne Blackadder had alerted Mohammed to their presence and the man had panicked. Tony had suddenly found himself having to fight his way past Mohammed's men on the dock and was sporting some very colorful bruising. Gibbs had ended up almost being blown up with Mohammed when the man had dropped the grenade he was holding, the senior agent had stopped to fire several bullets into the terrorist's chest before the grenade hit the floor, wanting to make sure he didn't get away from them again, consequently he'd been too close to the blast and had been catapulted down a flight of steps and he was feeling suitably stiff and sore despite his protests to the contrary.
Viv had tried to apologize once on the quayside and Gibbs had brushed her off with one word. Tony had pulled a face, trying to reassure Viv by telling her that he still liked her but his heart wasn't really in it, even Tony had never seen Gibbs this mad but they had really wanted Mohammed alive and no one would be happy that the man who could have given up so much information was dead because of a rookie mistake. Truth to tell Tony was disappointed in his colleague, Viv had let them all down, herself included.
Another two hours on, after a hot shower and clean clothes, Gibbs still didn't look any less pissed when Viv found him alone in the mess, coffee in hand. After two hours of soul searching she had come to the decision that maybe she preferred the FBI. NCIS wasn't quite what she had expected and now that Mohammed was dead working for the agency had lost its appeal.
She approached her Team Leader with trepidation, Gibbs was not known for being the most patient, tactful or sympathetic person. Like most people who came into contact with Gibbs she couldn't imagine him having a soft side.
"Gibbs?" She winced when she heard how timid her voice sounded, weakness wasn't something that impressed Gibbs and she wanted to sound confident of her decision.
"Agent Blackadder, what can I do for you?" Gibbs answer was neutral and he didn't take his eyes off the newspaper he was reading, the fact that he wouldn't even look at her was not a good sign.
Viv hovered next to the table, unsure whether to sit or stand. Right now she felt like turning and running for the hills but knew all that would do was make him even more disdainful.
After a few minutes silence Gibbs eventually looked up.
"Sit down and spit it out Blackadder." Gibbs was exasperated now and Viv felt herself flinch, but she sat, knowing it would only make it worse the longer she hesitated. She plucked up her courage and started in on the speech she had been rehearsing.
"I'm sorry Gibbs, I know I screwed up, it was a stupid mistake and I should have known better. I thought I could deal with the situation but seeing Mohammed standing there I just wanted to get a good look at the face of the man who killed my brother." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I've also been thinking things over and I don't think I'm cut out to be an NCIS agent." She broke off again, unable to look at the older agent. Despite the fact that she felt she was making the right decision she still felt that he would think she was a quitter.
The silence forced her to look up. Gibbs was watching her with an unreadable expression and she really wished he'd say something, she knew she had lost his respect a long time ago, if she ever had it to begin with. Eventually he shrugged. "If that's how you feel, it's your decision. You want to go back to the FBI?" He replied finally, still watching her. "Is that what you really want?"
She looked him straight in the eye this time. "Yes, yes it is. I think I joined NCIS for the wrong reason." She admitted with a sigh. "I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
At that moment Tony came jogging into the mess.
"Hey Boss, can we ." He stopped short, suddenly realizing that his fellow agents were in the middle of something serious. "Sorry Boss, I didn't mean to interrupt." Tony looked lost for a minute before a strange look came over his face. Shocked, Viv suddenly realized that he was jealous. During the whole of the time she had been with NCIS, she realized that she had never really had a conversation alone with Gibbs since her orientation on the first day, Tony however was often with Gibbs, he reminded her of an eager puppy at times, trotting at Gibbs heels and constantly looking for reassurance.
Glancing sideways she could see that Gibbs had noticed too, his face had taken on a softer tone as he looked at their fellow agent.
"I won't be long DiNozzo, let me finish my coffee and I'll meet you out front in five minutes." He looked pointedly at the younger man and Tony backed off with a nod, glaring one final time at Viv before turning and leaving.
"He's jealous!" She saw the familiar glare from Gibbs, but deciding she was already on rocky ground why not push a little more. "Why? What reason does he have to be jealous?" She demanded puzzled.
"Leave Tony out of this Viv, you've made your bed and now you have to lie on it. Let me sort Tony out." The warning was clear in his voice but she still wanted answers. "But ."
"No Viv, it's none of your business and is nothing to do with you." Gibbs was a little more gentle this time and looking into his eyes she could see he was being honest. "I'll speak to the Director and get him to pull a few strings with your old boss, I'm sure he'll be able to sort something out quickly. In the meantime, there's nothing we can do about it now, so get some sleep, we fly out early tomorrow." With that he drained his mug and walked out, leaving her sitting there. Decision made, Viv suddenly realized she felt happier than she had in weeks.
Stepping out of the mess hall into the sunshine, Gibbs looked around for his errant field agent, sighing when he saw the young man slumped on the top step of the office building. Gibbs had been afraid that at some point Tony would start to feel guilty, the decision on who to bring had been left up to him and once the two agents had arrived on the ship Gibbs had included both in the mission without any further questions. It was too late for regrets now but Gibbs new the young agent would be stewing over it.
Tony had a habit of taking the blame for things and Gibbs knew only too well why. The boy's father had spent twelve long years drilling into him how much of a disappointment he was and how he would never amount to anything and Tony had always been made to feel that anything that went wrong was his fault. Disinheriting him and packing him off to military school within weeks of his mother's death had finally crushed the boy's spirit and it was only the discipline of the military establishment, combined with the encouragement of a couple of his tutors, that had given him the courage and confidence to go on to college and actually make something of himself.
The result, however, was a young man who was a mass of insecurities. The overconfident frat boy image that Tony had carefully crafted during his college years fooled most people, but Gibbs wasn't most people and Tony had learned very early on that he had finally met someone who could not only see through the mask, but who was willing to call him in on it and encourage him to face his issues and work through them. Tony was high maintenance but Gibbs was willing to put in the time and effort needed to look after him. The young man was an excellent field agent and investigator and was a natural leader and Gibbs wanted to make sure he realized his full potential.
Changing his mind about grabbing a quick snack in the mess, Gibbs jogged quickly over to where Tony sat.
"Be right with you DiNozzo." Without waiting for a response, Gibbs disappeared into the cool of the office, coming back out a few minutes later jangling a bunch of keys in his hand.
"Come on Tony." Was all he said as he strode off towards one of the jeeps parked in the shadow of the building.
"On your six Boss." The familiar words brought a smile to Gibbs' face, even if they weren't said with as much enthusiasm as he'd hoped.
As they drove off the base, Gibbs cast brief glances at the young man sitting next to him. To Gibbs' dismay, Tony hadn't even asked where they were going and showed no sign of any interest in his surroundings, staring off into the distance instead. Gibbs had known that his agent could speak Spanish thanks to the nanny he had as a child, but he wasn't aware that Tony had ever been to Spain before and had expected him to show a little enthusiasm when it looked as if they were heading off base.
After a couple of miles Gibbs decided to break the silence. "I thought we could grab something to eat locally instead of on base, you fancy anything in particular?"
"I'm not really hungry Boss, I just ." Tony broke off, looking down at his hands as if they had suddenly become very interesting.
Gibbs didn't push him, he realized that by now the younger man would be flagging. Spying a small cantina on the road ahead, he made a quick decision and pulled over suddenly, hopping out and throwing a quick 'wait here' at his passenger. He was back out within five minutes carrying a brown paper bag which he quickly stowed in the back of the jeep and drove off again without any further explanation.
Tony was still quiet so Gibbs didn't push, the two knew each other well enough for it to be a comfortable silence and neither was concerned over the lack of conversation. He followed the main road for a while longer before turning off on a quieter side road, continuing on until he reached a rough track which eventually fizzled out when it reached a deserted beach.
Getting out of the jeep he grabbed the bag from the cantina and motioned Tony out of the vehicle, dropping to sit on the grass so they could rest with their backs against the jeep and look out over the harbor. Tony followed more slowly but dropped obediently to the ground next to Gibbs.
"A picnic Boss?" He said in surprise when he saw the food and beer Gibbs was pulling out of the bag.
"Yup, you said you weren't very hungry but you need to eat Tony, you've been going almost non-stop for the past few days. You look like you've hardly slept and I bet you've barely eaten anything either." He looked in concern at the younger man and Tony had the good grace to drop his head, acknowledging the observation without actually admitting to it out loud.
Truth to tell, now that it was all over and he had begun to relax he felt exhausted and emotionally drained. The combination of excitement and anxiety at taking lead on the Singer case coupled with the thrill and adrenaline rush he'd had over getting the confession from Lindsay had been quickly followed by the dash halfway across the world to try and catch Mohammed, then seeing it go to hell in a hand basket with Gibbs being almost blown up had left him feeling jittery and out of sorts. The self-reproach and guilt haunting him for making the wrong decision to bring Viv closely followed by the jealous flare up when he'd seen Gibbs and Blackadder deep in what appeared to be a personal conversation had only intensified his confused emotions and right now he couldn't have explained how he felt to save his life.
Gibbs watched him carefully, seeing and understanding Tony's inner-turmoil. Without saying anything further he popped the lids from the beers and handed one to the younger man, digging further into the bag he pulled out several slices of freshly baked sundried tomato bread, along with sliced meats and cheese from which he put together rustic sandwiches. Slices of still-warm frittata followed and were placed in front of Tony on paper napkins. The enticing smell of the food made Tony realize that he was hungry after all and with a small smile of defeat he started tucking into the meal with more enthusiasm than he'd expected.
They ate their meal in a companionable silence. Tony could feel the tension of the past few days melting away and knew he wouldn't be able to stay awake much longer. Gibbs kept his eye on his young charge hoping that the combination of exhaustion, warm sun, the peace and quiet of the idyllic picnic spot, alcohol and a full stomach would allow Tony to relax enough to sleep for a few hours. It wasn't as if there was any rush after all, they weren't flying out until the morning so had the rest of the afternoon and evening to allow their batteries to recharge. As Gibbs felt Tony's head fall onto his shoulder and his breathing relax into sleep he decided that it wouldn't hurt to close his own eyes just for a while. Within five minutes he had joined his young agent in slumber.
end