Work Text:
"ENOUGH"
A "Firefly" story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
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"I can see her lyin' back in her faded dress
In a room where ya do what ya don't confess
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' round my back stairs
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' round my back stairs..."
'Sundown' - sung by Gordon Lightfoot
It hurt. Putting so much into those few words then being cut off, no air in my lungs, no blood pumping into my heart. Just stunned with pain and sorrow. So deep. I was all kinds of raw and not strong enough to fight her. All it took was for me to confess how I was feeling a mite 'truthsome'. Her words still rang through me like a hammer striking a gorram bell.
"I'm leavin'."
Losing Nandi wasn't bad enough, I had to lose her.
"She's bin lookin' like a queen in a sailor's dream
And she don't always say what she really means
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain..."
I can't help it. I think back on previous conversations. Hug myself with the moments of peace we stole between conflicts. The quiet seconds of calm which fell over us like a hush of heaven as we lurched from one ill chosen sentence to the next poisoned barb. All because she couldn't bury the lie and tell me plain. Gorrammit I want her so much. Love her so deep. Hate all the frippery that ain't nothing but the mark of whoredom on something that could be so much finer. It hurts me and the wound I carry will never heal.
"I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in her lovin' is your first mistake
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' round my back stair
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' round my back stair..."
Makes me so rutting mad seeing her sell herself off to men who wouldn't know a single thought that passes through her head or an honest emotion if it fell on them like an asteroid. That *wangba dan* Atherton Wing was a case in point. I could hardly believe the way that *hundan* treated her at the shindig. Treating her like property, his to pick up or discard with no mind given to how precious she is. How much he should treasure and honour her. All that filth in his eyes disguised with manners that don't mean a thing. He don't even see her yet she goes with him. His coin making him worthy for something he can never deserve. Him laying a hand on her was the last straw. Ain't no man alive I'll take that kind of offence from, whether she allows it or no. Fought a duel to save her and lost her anyway.
"I can see her lookin' fast in her faded jeans
She's a hard lovin' woman, got me feelin' mean
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain
Sundown ya better take care
If I find you bin creepin' round my back stair
Sundown you better take care
If I find ya bin creepin' round my back stair
Sometimes I think it's a sin
When I feel like I'm winning when I'm losing again."
'Sundown' - sung by Gordon Lightfoot
So I hide it. Bury the emotions that wed me to her tighter than a band of gold. Live the lie to preserve the status quo. Sometimes I see the truth shining in eyes I would die for and another crack seals the fate I cannot escape from. She stayed. Can hardly believe it and *tianna* I don't wanna jinx it. Didn't even have to plot and scheme in the end to keep her. Just backed off and gave in. Stepping back from a precipice that would have destroyed us both. I won't look at her. Can't look. A little spark of happiness hidden from her eyes. A world of pain and sorrow lost in mine. One day maybe that fine veneer will crack and a little of it will shine on me. Till then I'll keep flying. It's not much but it's enough.
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CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)
*wangba dan* = bastard
*hundan* = asshole/bastard
*tianna* = oh God!