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Footfalls Of Memory
By Lyn
Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the
things you never want to lose.
~From the television show The Wonder Years
The Christmas party had been a blast. The best Jack could remember, though he had to admit, until recently, the festive season had usually come and gone without him even noticing. Charlie's passing had left a hole that no amount of cheer and goodwill could ever fill. Most years, until he and Sara finally realized the blame and grief were overwhelming what love they'd once had for each other, and made the decision to divorce, Jack had made himself unavailable, leaving Sara to spend a lonely Christmas with her folks, while Jack drowned his sorrows… and his guilt in some nameless bar.
He still mourned Charlie, still missed Sara but, as the experts said, life did indeed go on, no matter how much you might want to go back and change it or relive it, and it was times like this, when Jack was in the company of friends and those he considered his family, he could let go of the past, for a time at least, and appreciate what he still had in his life, knowing too that this Christmas especially, he had something to be grateful for once more, someone with whom to share the holiday spirit again.
He held a sprig of mistletoe behind his back and crept up behind Janet Fraiser, tapping her on the shoulder and holding it aloft triumphantly, grinning when she gave him an embarrassed smile and glanced quickly at the nurses who surrounded her, a flush of red coloring her cheeks.
"Come on now, Doc," Jack said, fortified by a glass or two of champagne. "Can't let tradition down."
"I guess I can't," Fraiser said with a twinkle in her eye. "Not to mention you outrank me, sir."
"Jack. For tonight, it's Jack."
Fraiser nodded. "Jack. Does that mean you'll call me Janet instead of Doc?"
"Not a chance," Jack replied, wrapping an arm about her shoulders and giving her a quick kiss that had her nursing staff giggling. "Doesn't suit you nearly as well as Doc does."
"Thank you… I think," Janet replied. She gave her friends a mock glare that only looked half-threatening then leaned up on tiptoe to whisper in Jack's ear. "Just wait till this gets around the infirmary, sir… Jack. Next thing you know, we'll be shacking up together."
"Hey, I'm not averse to the idea, Doc," Jack said with a wink at her, and in as loud a voice as he could manage.
The glare she gave him could have dropped a Goa'uld dead on the spot and Jack wisely retreated, searching for another victim.
"T! Merry Christmas, buddy!"
Teal'c turned, a glass of orange juice held in one enormous hand, and regarded him with a studious gaze. "Are you inebriated, O'Neill?"
"Drunk? Me? Nah." Jack stuffed the mistletoe in his pocket and approached his friend. "Just having a little fun. You?"
Teal'c frowned. "I must admit to still finding this celebration of Christmas a little confusing. It is a religious occasion, yet your people also mark the occasion by giving gifts and imbibing alcohol. Is that not sacrilegious?"
"Not exactly," Jack hedged, not entirely sure what the Jaffa was getting at, and entirely certain he didn't want to try to explain the concept of Christmas to him right now. "It's a little of both," he settled for. He smiled in relief as he spotted Carter approaching them. "Carter! Glad you could make it."
"Glad I could make it," Carter smiled at him and then turned to Teal'c. "What do you think of your first Christmas party, Teal'c?"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "It is rather strange," he intoned.
"T's a little confused," Jack explained. "How about you explain it to him?" He pulled the mistletoe from his pocket. "Show him some of the Christmas traditions."
Sam's mouth dropped open. "Sir, I couldn't! I mean…"
"Ah, Teal'c will love it, and while you're at it, give him the lowdown on Santa too." He snapped his fingers. "Maybe you could show him Norad. Charlie used to love tracking Santa on Christmas Eve." He felt relief wash over him, and just a small amount of sadness when his son's name came out with just the barest hesitation. Before Carter could reply, he leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her lips, pointing at the mistletoe as an excuse. "Christmas tradition," he claimed. He gestured over his shoulder. "Gotta hit the head. That champagne goes right through you."
"Carter grinned. "TMI, sir… Jack," she replied.
Jack gave them a jaunty wave and turned toward the door.
"Jack?"
He turned back at Carter's call.
"Where's Daniel? His car's out front but I can't see him anywhere."
Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Probably holed up in my study, working on a translation that just can't wait. I'll see if I can find him on my way back."
"I could go look for Daniel Jackson," Teal'c offered, sounding just a little too hopeful, Jack thought.
He waved away the suggestion. "I got it, T. Enjoy the party."
~o0o~
Daniel didn't need to hear the soft curses and groans of discomfort to know it was Jack climbing the ladder to the roof. He'd known it would only be a matter of time before his lover came looking for him. He continued to gaze upward at the starry night. The air was crisp and clear, with a hint of more snow evident in the clouds gathering on the horizon. He was bundled up, but curiously, tonight, the cold wasn't bothering him in the least.
"Aren't you afraid of heights?" Jack asked as he approached him. He hunkered down and seated himself, wrapping his arms around Daniel's shoulders. Daniel leaned back into the embrace.
He chuckled. "I got over it… about a hundred trips through the Gate ago, along with my dislike of guns."
Jack nuzzled the back of his neck. "You're missing a great party."
"I'll be in soon."
"Come in with me now," Jack urged but Daniel shook his head.
"I just need a few minutes. Won't be long."
"Something wrong?"
Daniel turned and looked over his shoulder, smiling. "Nothing at all. Just needed some air."
Jack nodded. "Okay." He pulled Daniel back suddenly and shifted so he was leaning over Daniel's prone form. "I have a confession to make." He leaned in close, whispering in Daniel's ear. "I kissed Doc Fraiser."
Daniel squirmed, the warmth of Jack's breath making him shiver. "That's nice," he managed. "Umm, do you think we should be doing this up here?"
Jack lifted his head and theatrically scanned the area. "I don't think anyone can see us up here, Daniel. Besides, you need warming up. You're shivering."
Daniel tried to sit up. "Okay, we'll go inside then."
"Aren't you even a little bit jealous?"
"Of?"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Me kissing the doc."
"No, of course not!"
Jack narrowed his eyes.
"I mean, of course I am, but I'm sure you had a very good reason."
Jack dug into his jacket pocket and produced a sprig of mistletoe, holding it over Daniel's head triumphantly before leaning to kiss him deeply. Finally, when Daniel thought he'd pass out from lack of air, he pulled back. He stroked a finger down Daniel's cheek. "You were thinking about Sha'ré, weren't you?"
Daniel looked away, not wanting to share his sadness, his grief. Jack was enjoying Christmas for the first time in a very long time, and here he was, feeling melancholy, putting a downer on the whole occasion.
"You're allowed, you know." Jack cupped Daniel's chin, gently tilting his head back to face him. "You loved her, you miss her."
"You loved Charlie too," Daniel said, his throat tightening at the familiar pain in Jack's eyes. "But you're not the one sitting up here, staring into space, as though by doing so, you can change things."
"I already did my share of that. Knowing I can't change things doesn't make me miss him less."
"And Sara?"
Jack frowned. "What about Sara?"
"Do you still love her, still miss her?"
"I wish we never had to go through what we did," Jack said slowly. "The love we had for one another got buried under the guilt and blame, and in the end, while we still cared for each other, it wasn't enough. But it was different for you and Sha'ré. Your love for each other never died, never faltered, despite everything you both went through. It's only right that you miss her, especially at a time like this." He paused for a moment then spoke again. "You having regrets… about us?"
"What? No!" Daniel sat up and hugged Jack tightly, fiercely, needing to confirm his feelings, his love. "Never!"
"Then don't be ashamed of loving her first, of still loving her. It's right that you do."
Daniel stared at Jack for a long moment then smiled, feeling some of the weight lift from his heart. "You're quite the sage, aren't you?"
Jack grinned. "You're rubbing off on me." He quirked an eyebrow and gave Daniel his best lewd smile. "Or you can later, when I can convince everyone to go home."
Daniel whacked him on the chest. "You're incorrigible as well." He started to get up. "Mind out of the gutter, O'Neill. You have guests."
"But I like the gutter," Jack mock-whined.
"Colonel? You out here?"
Daniel dropped back to the ground, laying flat at the sound of Sam's voice. "Shit!" he whispered.
"It's fine. It's dark out. She can't see us," Jack whispered back. Raising his head, he looked down. "Right here, Carter, just checking out the stars. Getting pretty cold though. Think I'll come in."
"General Hammond's on the phone, sir. He said it's urgent."
"Be right down." Leaning forward, Jack kissed Daniel's cheek. "Later," he promised.
Daniel watched him go, forcing himself to stay still, despite the fact that it really was getting cold now. He brushed a snowflake from his cheek and listened to Jack descending the ladder, chattering inanely to Carter on his way down.
Silence.
He'd give it a couple of minutes then head down himself. He could let himself in through the utility room and make a casual entrance from Jack's office.
"Daniel?" Sam called.
Shit! "Yeah?" he answered then cursed his stupidity.
"It's starting to snow. Why don't you come inside and get warmed up? Teal'c's making fresh eggnog."
"Oh. Right. Great! Wouldn't miss it for the world." Daniel stood and brushed off his pants, grimacing at the dampness that had seeped through. Gingerly, he made his way over to the ladder and began to climb down, losing his footing once and almost tumbling down the rest of the way. "Jack was just showing me his telescope." He felt his face heat as he realized how that sounded. Making his way over to Sam, he wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. "Let's go inside. You must be freezing." He made to walk past her to open the door but she stopped him with a hand on his arm.
"It's okay, Daniel," she said. "About you and Colonel O'Neill… Jack."
"Sam…" he started, a whole litany of explanations springing to mind. He'd rehearsed them over and over in case of anyone discovering their relationship, and at the moment, he wished it were anyone but Sam.
She shook her head. "No, I mean it, Daniel. I'm happy for you both."
"But you -?
"I realized a long time ago, probably before you two knew you were in love, that it was never going to work between Jack and me. Too many uncertainties, too many regulations, and I decided that my career with Stargate Command is too important to me, and to him." She smiled and looped her arm through his, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "Besides, I met Pete, and it's way less
complicated."
"You love him though, right?" Daniel asked. "Pete, I mean."
She nodded. "I love him. And you?"
Daniel smiled, hearing Jack's voice filter out from the living room, anxious
now to get inside and be with him, even if they couldn't demonstrate their
love for each other except in the privacy of their homes. "Yeah, Sam, I love
him."
"Then that's all that matters," she said.
He nodded and ushered her through the door, turning for a moment to stare up
into the sky, thankful for the memories he had and the future to come.
*End *