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John downed half his drink in one gulp, only his fifth glass of eggnog—not that he was counting. Each one was more heavily spiked then the next. He paced anxiously, while he waited for Evan, his Second in Command, Major Lorne-- and that was part of the problem. He silently argued with himself, debating his wants and needs against the regulations and protocol. It didn’t matter how many glasses of alcohol-laced eggnog he had, he was still nervous. Realistically he knew he couldn’t change a lifetime engrained of the strict discipline within military life, nor the years of self-denial, over night. Even if he had to admit that things were different here in Atlantis.
It had been a year, it had been last Christmas when he had accidentally let it slip that he was interested. It had been all over a stupid kiss. A kiss all too similar to the one clutched in his palm as he pulled it out of his pocket.
An innocent kiss wrapped in red-foil, a chocolate Hershey's kiss. It amazed him that a small droplet of chocolate had instigated everything, leading Ronon to chasing and catching Rodney under a sprig of mistletoe. Only instead of receiving chocolate, or Christmas kisses like Lorne’s family had called them, which is where the whole confusion had begun, like Ronon had expected and intended when he cornered McKay, instead he received a traditional kiss. One he accepted.
Surprisingly, at least to John, less than a month later they were sharing quarters.
Though Ronon wasn’t the only one that had gotten confused or misdirected by the innocent Christmas kisses. John had as well when Lorne had turned in his reports that day and innocently offered John some Christmas kisses. Admittedly John was dumbfounded by Lorne’s casualness, though deep down he personally appreciated the open attitude. It was everything the military wasn’t, even on Atlantis. Thing was he didn’t instantly correct or turn Lorne down; instead he had confessed his own interest and muttered that if circumstances were different.
He didn’t even realize he had said it, until later, at the time he was too busy piecing together what Ronon was actually expecting under the mistletoe—chocolate, not kissing McKay. In the end, at least for Rodney and Ronon it had all turned out for the good. The only downfall was he had to learn to live with McKay’s I just got fucked grin, and Ronon’s pleased smirk.
It wasn’t like he wasn’t happy for them, he was, at least after he got use to it. It was just a reminder of what he didn’t have.
It didn’t help that a month later Lorne had blindsided him, blatantly reminding him of what he had said, and more importantly that Lorne had shared the sentiments. John was floored. Lorne he just stood there quietly waiting for John to say something, anything— it just hung in the air, suddenly awkward between them. More so because John couldn’t- wouldn’t deny what he had said, and yet still refused to say anything about how he felt now in return. What he did instead was walk away, just ignored that Lorne had said anything, or had even broached the subject. Afterwards he quietly though very deliberately avoided Lorne as much as possible.
Then one morning he came into his office to find Lorne’s request for a transfer back to Earth and the SGC. It pained him that he was the reason, not that Lorne said or indicted anything like that in his request, but John knew the truth. He probably should have granted Lorne’s request, anything to get things back to normal, or as normal as it ever was in the Pegasus galaxy, but he couldn’t do it. Even when John was avoiding Lorne, he was also all John thought about. To actually not have him here… it pained John in a way he couldn’t articulate. What he did do with the transfer was put it through the shredder. He also stopped avoiding Lorne. That was the beginning of the end.
It only got worse from there—worse in that the more time he spent with Lorne, the more he wanted him, and it wasn’t just for sex—though there was that. Though it had never been all about sex, he had his right hand for that. Maybe unlike other people for John celibacy was a consequence for life in the military. Where he had gone months and on occasion a few years for that matter without any sex other than his own skilled hands. These days, he still only had his hands, but his mind was preoccupied with Lorne more than he’d ever care to admit.
The requested transfer was the push he needed to take action. Downing the last of his eggnog—now he just had to be patient and wait… suddenly Lorne’s voice interrupted. "Colonel?"
Licking his lip clean, John turned around flustered. For a moment he just stared, then swallowed forcing himself to speak. "Major… Lorne, I mean Evan. Evan you don’t mind me calling you Evan, do you?"
Lorne’s brow rose in question, he was clearly baffled. "Sir?"
Not that John blamed him; he was the one who’d screwed things up, now he had to fix it, if he wanted to have Evan in his life, hopefully as more than his SiC. Though now that his moment of truth arrived he was tongue-tied.
Long moments passed and neither moved. He could see the expectation, the possible hope, but John still couldn’t form words. Then Lorne bowed his head, heaved a sigh, and shook his head as he started to turn and walk away.
John panicked when he saw Lorne’s back, "Ah… wait…" he immediately reached out and grabbed Evan’s arm forcing him to turn around.
He came willingly enough, but the frown John found on Lorne’s face made him let go. "I, ah hell…" again not finding the words, he opened his palm revealing a slightly disfigured red foiled kiss.
It took a moment before Evan saw the kiss then looked up at John, a question in his eyes.
John shrugged, "Sorry, I’m not too good at things like this. Should have you talk to Nancy…" Evan just stared. "Perhaps not… Look I," John looked down at the sole kiss in his hand, and then pointed up above Evan’s head. "thought I’d cover the basics. I was kinda hoping for the traditional, or you know not…"
Evan followed his gaze up toward the hanging mistletoe then back to John who still held the kiss, back up to John. Smiling Evan reached up and gripped John’s shirt pulling John in as Evan moved closer. "You really do suck at this…"
Pleased, John grinned in return and leaned down to kiss Evan. John dropped the chocolate in his hand, using both hands to pull Evan even closer. His mouth opened invitingly, his tongue pushing in and brushing up against Evan’s tongue; together their tongues, slid, wet, and messy until they were breathless—still neither were willing to stop.
Absently while surrendering to Evan’s technique, John decided kissing the real Evan was definitely better than any fantasy.
FiN~~