Work Text:
sharing memories
by Lady Bard
d052951c@dc.seflin.org
He sits and watches me. and I stare out the window. He wants to know and I guess I should tell him. Why not? What would it hurt? He's here and where is everyone else? Where are my *friends* Where are the one's that should be here? Where are the ones I gave everything to? I don't know. Five years... Five years in which I've had time to let the hurt go somewhat and this vamp asks a simple question and it floods back.
I watch the rain poor down and don't care. I'm done there. I have nothing left. They took the little that I had. They swore and begged and pleeded and I staied. Then they both decided they didn't want me.
I should have known really. A great guy like Oz and a wonderful girl like Willow wanting to be with me? So I'll tell him and maybe he'll laugh and maybe he won't but at least it will no longer be my secret alone to keep.
"You will never tell anyone?"
"Should I?"
He is different. I wonder what happened to him? The sarcasm is missing from his voice and his eyes hold a softer expression.
"I guess it's up to you but I'd like it if you would keep it to yourself."
"doesn't matter no one would listen to me anyhow."
"Alright then... I'll tell you but don't interrupt if you can help it. I don't think I can start again if I stop."
"I won't, Xander."
***
"Oz came back you know? Him and Willow they couldn't quite pull it together. They kept comin to me. She'd sit and cry telling me how she loved him. I'd hug her close and tell her to hold on... To give it time...
Then he'd come to me. It would be more of the same but different. He'd give me these looks. His eyes watched me like I was the only thing in the world.
I couldn't help it the wanting that started in me. I fought it so hard. I even started avoiding him. I'd disappear whenever he'd try to find me. I even stopped going to the Bronz. That part didn't matter so much. I wasn't really missed.
Then Willow and I met for lunch one day and things changed. She smiled at me and took my hand across the table. You're my best friend, Xand. You know that right? I knew that. Willow my rock... My anchor in the storm..."
He's moving across the room now and nealing beside me. He puts his arms around me and it feels strange. It's more different than I ever remember it being. I have to keep talking to ignore the feel of his warm body pressed against mine. That stops me right in my tracks. I turn in his arms and stare at him.
"close your mouth pet might catch flies. It's a long story. Maybe I'll tell you sometime. Right now you finish yours and I'll be here."
His voice soothed me in a way I never thought it could. I find my head resting on his shoulder now and he's holding me and stroking my back. I slowly start telling him again.
"she told me she wanted me to join them... In a relationship. The three of us. Apparently he'd told her he wanted me and she couldn't say no. I don't know if she wanted me or not, but that night was wonderful.
The three of us together. It was like a dream come true. A dream you hide so deep inside you don't know it's there.
I was so happy. I should have known it couldn't last. When fall roled around it was over. They'd found their way back to one another. I'd helped. I'd reminded them of what they'd had. I'd shown them the way back and now I was useless to them. Lovely people those two so gentle about it but I wasn't the idiot people thought I was and I understood. When college started up again, I left.
No one had ever found out. When we were out in public together we looked like good friends. Oh, I don't think they did it on purpose.. I don't think they set out to hurt me but they did. I knew it was over between us when they went away for a weekend with out me. They only confirmed it on their return. They said they'd always be there for me but that could I please understand? The strange thing was that I did and I forgave them.
I came here to Angel and Cordi. He helped me get into school here. Did you know? No, it doesn't surprise me. I asked them to keep it quiet. I told Angel but not Cordi.I couldn't tell her. Didn't want to ruin any friendship they might have between them."
Why does he look so sad? He asked how I wound up here and for some strange reason I've told him and I feel better. I feel lighter than I have in a long time.
"Xander, I'm sorry. I wish things had been different that I could have been there for you. I couldn't have, I was different back then. You know that right? Five years isn't a long time for my kind but these five years were very educational. Have you been alone all this time?"
"Yes, but I'm not unhappy really. I'm not sure what I am. Are you here to stay?"
"Yes, the old pouf offered me a job."
"I'm glad. I'm really glad you're here Spike."
For the first time in a long time I feel myself smile. A real smile that tuches every part of me. I might have forgiven them, but it didn't lessen my pain but maybe now I wouldn't have to bear it alone.
End