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"A VERY BARTANTIC CHRISTMAS"
A "Farscape" filk-story
Written by Alison M. DOBELL
* * * * *
Crichton had somehow worked out that Christmas was approaching and managed to talk his friends on Moya into getting into the festive spirit. His enthusiasm rubbing off on all of them, including Scorpius. From his now unlocked cell, Scorpy was singing....to the tune of "Deck the Halls With Boughs of Holly"...
SCORPY: "T'is the season to be silly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hence this very kinkoid ditty
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our PK leather
Fa la la la la la la
Time for us to get together
Fa la la la la, la la la la...."
Meanwhile in the mess hall Rygel had started singing to his supper. And not a chestnut in sight... (Yeuk! That has *got* to be too messy for a PG rating)
RYGEL: "Marjols roasting on a open fire
Relniks snurching all my jewels
They don't know that the gems are wired
Frell what's Christmas, to you?"
Even Pilot was getting in on the act, singing to his favourite little leviathan....To the tune of "While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks by Night"....
PILOT: "While Moya flies me to the stars
And all the crew get drunk
I dream of all the things I've seen
And every hope that's sunk
Moya is my every prayer, she fulfills every dream
Without her life is not worthwhile, and this is why I
sing..."
John was on the Terrace with Aeryn. His heart full of joy because after cycles of will-she or won't-she, Aeryn had finally agreed to get married. (Aeryn by the way, was trying VERY hard not to laugh - hence the tears in her eyes. Dear Sweet John - ah hem - thought they were tears of joy and of love.... bless him). He was singing along to the tune "Walking In a Winter Wonderland"...
JOHN: "See her face? Tears are glistening.
Here in space, she is listening
A beautiful sight
I'm happy tonight
Knowing Aeryn Sun at last is mine.
Gone away are the bad days
Here to stay, all the glad days
I'll sing a love song
As we drift along
Flying through Uncharted Space.
In the wormhole I can see a planet
Shining blue and calling me back home,
If I left her now I'd be a drannit
Ain't no way I'm leaving her alone.
Later on we'll conspire
A single kiss will light the fire
A beautiful sight
I'm happy tonight
Knowing Aeryn Sun at last is mine.
D'Argo says that he will play his shilquen
Pip will cook a meal while he plays,
Zhaan will be the priest to bless our joining
I wouldn't want it any other way!
So we'll sing and we'll holler
Wedding chimes and Christmas fodder
I'm happy tonight
Though the tux is kinda tight
Knowing Aeryn Sun at last is mine!"
Even the Luxan was getting in on the act, singing away to "Good King Wencelas" as he cleaned and polished his Qualta blade...
D'ARGO: "Good King Rygel went to ground
When his cousin beat him
Caught him napping stole his crown
His support retreating.
Captured by the Peace Keepers
And their Captain Durka
Till with Moya he escaped
Cycles of their torture!
As a Luxan fierce and proud
I will not be beaten
Macton killed my wife and left
Me in chains and taken.
Yet he cannot stop me from
This one thought that drives me
One day I will find him and
Leave him dead behind me!"
While everybody ass getting into the Christmas spirit, Chiana could not help lurking about for any golden opportunities to snurch something. She was singing to the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", only her version of Santa was on the lookout to take not give this Christmas...
CHIANA: "You better watch out, you better take care
You better not shout, if you see me there
I'm the tralk who's snurching tonight.
You've hidden your stuff, think I don't see
Though you may smile you'll never trust me
I'm the one who's snurching tonight.
The others think I'm stupid
On that we disagree
I just have different morals
But it works for you and me.
So you better watch out, I'm warning you fair
I carry some clout so time to beware
I'm the tralk who's snurching tonight..."
However, unbeknownst to our happy, zappy crew, they are being pursued by Commandant Grayza. Her loyal henchman Braca could hardly contain his glee as their long range sensors pick up Moya's trail. He broke into song, to the tune of "We Three Kings"....
BRACA: "Peace Keepers we journey so far
Escaped prisoners soon will be ours,
Continually seeking, they must be weakening
Running across the stars...
Oh-oh, star of wonder, star of light
They are just another blight
Ever running, we are coming
Catching them will make things right.
Defeat for them a bitter perfume,
John Crichton in our clutches soon
Grayza is certain
It will be curtains
Trapped in an ice cold tomb.
Oh-oh, we will give the Living Death
To traitors who from us have left
They have been tainted, contaminated
Scorpius too will be bereft.
Gone for them the chance to be free
This is the price of their infamy.
Moya can't beat us, they can't defeat us
Giving us victory.
Oh-oh, we will get the secrets that
Crichton keeps beneath his hat,
Wormholes will save us, no one betrays us
The Scarrans at last we will defeat."
Unfortunately for Braca, Talyn has picked up Grayza's Command Carrier on his sensors and Crais hatched a plan to foil their intentions. He sang to Talyn, making sure the leviathan gunship saw and understood what he was picking up from the sensors...
CRAIS: "Do you see what I see?
Do you see what I see? Shadowing Moya from afar?
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you hear what I hear? Braca thinks he's won the
frelling war.
We need, we need, to stop them in their tracks
To help our friends get away.
We seek, we seek, to turn them into squag
So they can't fight another day..."
On the command of Moya, the crew had gathered to discuss Crichton's desire to celebrate the human custom of Christmas. He had been singing various Christmas carols for some weeks now driving them all bartantic. The stupid catchy tunes echoing round and round inside their alien heads and meaning nothing to them. But it seemed to make the human happy so eventually they agreed to honour the custom to shut him up. Everyone had their own ideas and festivals they wanted to celebrate afterwards. They agreed to take each festival in turn and celebrate them at monen intervals when all heads turned as distant explosions rocked the leviathan. Crichton sounded stunned. He was the only one facing the screen when it lit up with the detonations.
"Did you guys *see* that? Tell me you saw that."
D'Argo looked at the human, frowning. "Saw what?"
Crichton pointed. "That! There, behind you."
The Luxan turned, the screen now blank again. Just a few stars relieving the monotony of space. "There is nothing there, John."
"Yes, there is."
"No, there isn't."
"Is!"
D'Argo shoved his face close to the human's. "Isn't!"
Crichton shook his head, annoyed. "I am *not* doing this. A joke's a joke but sod a frelling pantomime."
Chiana tilted her head. Curious. "What's a pantomime?"
Aeryn gave Chiana a look which could freeze the sun but she ignored it.
"Uh, it's like a play. Everybody dresses up and plays a role. It's for entertainment, you get the audience shouting out to the people on stage and when the bad guy appears everybody boos and when the hero appears everybody claps."
"It sounds stupid."
"Yeah, well nobody asked you, D."
"What were you pointing at?"
"Explosions."
Aeryn turned and looked at the screen for a microt. She looked at Crichton. "Explosions?"
"Yeah? Bang, kapow, kazoom! You know - EXPLOSIONS!"
She was getting really annoyed at him now. "I KNOW what explosions are, Crichton!"
Uh oh, back to PK Barbie. Well, what did he expect from the Season of Goodwill anyway? Just then Crais came over their coms. Aeryn answered his call.
"Crais? What are you doing out here?"
A trace of humour lightened his dark voice. "I suppose a thank you for getting rid of that Command Carrier is out of the question?" He said drily.
"What Command Carrier?" Said D'Argo.
"The one with your Luxan eema in its' sights."
Crichton looked excited. "See? I told you I saw explosions."
Aeryn gave him a very dry look. He would be impossible now that Crais had proved him right.
"It makes a change from seeing frelling wormholes." Quipped Rygel.
The others sniggered but Crichton was not very amused. "Yeah, funny Sparky. You should be on stage - sweeping it! Just don't give up the day job."
Scorpius had been lounging forgotten in the background. He now walked over to join them. "Who was on the Command Carrier, Crais?"
The former PK Captain paused before his answer sailed over the com channel. "Commandant Grayza."
Crichton and Scorpius exchanged stunned looks. It took the human a microt to find his voice. "Are you sure, Crais? I mean, she's the biggest baddest thing out there next to the Scarrans. I would hate for you to be wrong about this."
"I assure you John, the Commandant and her Carrier are sub-atomic particles now." He said smugly.
A big smile swept over Crichton's face. "Oh yeah! My man Crais!" He caught Aeryn up in a hug and danced around the command, the others staring at him as if he had gone completely fahrbot. Scorpius smiled and looked at Sikozu then glanced at the human's ecstatic face. "I take it you are pleased, John?"
He grinned. Unable to contain his pleasure. "Oh yeah, big time Scorpy. That is one rattlesnake I do *not* want to find in my bed."
Aeryn's smile vanished. He tried to ignore the look on her face but it was drilling holes in his heart. Why did he have to open his frelling mouth and put both feet in it? "It's just an expression, Aeryn."
When she did not answer or smile back he struggled to find a way out of the hole he was in. "Hey, you can't stay mad at me Aeryn."
She lifted an icy eyebrow.
"It's Christmas. You know? Season of Goodwill."
"I have no idea what you are on about."
Now he had her. "Oh yeah? Then why were you and the rest of the crew singing Christmas carols?"
She flushed a little. "I wasn't."
"I heard you singing the doo-wap when I was doing my King impersonation."
She frowned. "Your what?"
"You know, the Walking in a Winter Wonderland number but the UT version. I did it in the style of Elvis."
"For your information I was not *singing*, I was commiserating with you in what sounded like your death throes. I thought you were in pain."
D'Argo chuckled and Crichton spun on him. "And you can quit laughing Tentacle Boy. I heard you singing along to Good King Wencelas."
"I do not know any *good King Wensellas*."
"Yeah, well you sang the song about Rygel."
That perked up the Hynerian's sensitive ears. "What were you singing about me?"
The Luxan was annoyed. He had been singing to himself not for anyone else. "I was merely celebrating your escape from Durka and my promise to find and kill Macton."
Seeing the Dominar looking somewhat mollified his eyes narrowed slightly. "What about you, your flatulence? What were you singing about?"
"Who says I was singing anything?"
"John says we were *all* singing. All includes you."
Crichton untangled himself from Aeryn. "Um, that's not exactly right D. Sikozu was the only one who didn't sing."
Just then Crais came over the com asking if he and Talyn could dock. He sounded annoyed and impatient at being forgotten. "Sure Crais, draw up the sleigh and let's feed the reindeer."
Crais did not ask what he meant and no one else took up the challenge. Grinning, Crichton dropped his last bombshell. "Come on folks, let's get down to the mess hall. Granny's cooked up a Christmas dinner for us and we ought to eat it before it gets cold."
Suddenly no one was very hungry. Even Rygel's three stomachs had gone quiet. Crichton put an arm around Aeryn and drew her close, a tiny smile tugging at his lips. "How bad could it be? Even Granny wouldn't poison us all at Christmas."
In the kitchen, Granny was smiling to herself. Adding some foul leaves and powders to the odd stew bubbling on the heat. A smile lit up her eyes. She would give them a Christmas dinner to remember. Chuckling she added another handful of Lakka leaves and waited for her guinea pigs to arrive. Oh yes. Christmas was definitely her favourite time of the year...
end