Chapter Text
Tony gripped the church door handle as he fought to steady the rising emotions coming up from within his chest. He fought the whine that wanted to come forward. He let out as a breath as he pulled on the heavy filigree handle that hung limply from the ancient church doors. Heavy was right, the handle was like his heart. Opening the door would seal his fate; it would seal many of the cracks that the last 5 years hadn’t.
He’d left NCIS that day, what felt like an eternity ago in a saddened frustration that couldn’t have been helped. Leaving the team behind wasn’t as hard as it should’ve been. Leaving the job that had been his life for every waking moment for longer than any other job wasn’t that bad either. There wasn’t any love lost between Vance and him and he had certainly pissed off everyone on a regular basis but he wasn’t about to be anybody’s bitch or scapegoat. He wasn’t gonna hide on a boat for the next year, not even for Gibbs, his delusions, and the team. There had been one reason he would’ve stayed and she wasn’t saying a word to him.
He’d left headquarters after his sentence had been handed down. He’d cleaned out his desk, said some quick goodbyes to some friends, and was all set to go when he’d had to do the painful thing and lie to Gibbs. He’d promised to drop by in a few hours and figure strategies out etc. But he took the cowards way out and lied, not even lying convincingly enough. But he’d gone, done, and then walked away. No one chasing him, not that he had expected it really but the one confrontation he knew would happen did, just not in front of the others.
When Tony had come out of the elevators in the parking garage, he saw her lounging against his rental as if she still belonged there. It had quickly brought up memories he’d rather have had to do without. But before he could say much, she had said “Stay” and he had looked at her as if she was crazy. Why stay he thought to him; there was nothing but pain and sickness here, even at sea, he would’ve never escaped the reminders. He’d given her and the agency all his good years and he was tired. Tired of a lot of things and to be honest as much he still longed for her in his arms and to have such a great job plus a family that mattered it just wasn’t enough and it hadn’t been in a long time.
As the silence between them lingered all he could think to say was a quick and mumbled “I’m not coming back and I’ve had enough.” She had pushed away from his car then and was walking away with no tears just a small sense of regret in her eyes. He couldn’t say goodbye or anything else of note he had been to choked up. Sliding into his car, he had started her up, put her into gear and saw her looking back at him through his rear view window. Tony remembers swearing to himself as he drove away, he had his regrets but she and NCIS wouldn’t be one of them. Pulling away from the garage, he had finally pulled away from a life that had slowly been smothering him.
Tony blinks as he comes back to himself. He shakes the memories away from him like cobwebs and as the door swings open, he prepares his mask for this glorious day. It would finally be putting to rest the last decade of so of loss and memories. He was happy for his friends, really he was he thought with a smile. He’d always been a moment in her life, a quick succession of fun and sexy moments never to be repeated once HE had entered her life. He never begrudged them their love; it was an off and on slow building love that finally had come to a point all these years later. Tony smiled then, he was walking into a final chapter of their lives together and it was about time too.
Tony decided to sit at the back of the church, in the shadows that would barely conceal him on such a beautiful day. The sun lighting the glass panes and shining upon her curls as if she was truly an angel was a sight that warmed him. He hadn’t brought much of a gift for the newlyweds, just a few pieces of his heart to heal the pain he’d left behind all those years ago. She’d read the letter, cry and show the others that he’d fulfilled his promises to all of them. He lived and after 5 years he was finally, living as well could be.
He knew from the slew of emails and voicemails he’d gotten after that day that not even Gibbs had understood his leaving for good. When determined his boss could figure technology out and the message he had left on Tony’s phone the day after he’d pulled his disappearing act had been heartening at some points and heart breaking at others. Gibbs had conveyed everything Tony had wanted to hear for so long but no longer needed too. No matter what anyone had said once he’d left there was no going back. He had heard about her wedding and other adventures through one of his sources and thank goodness, he’d heard in time to make it. He would never have missed this day regardless of his status in the last few years.
He watches as the man who had been his brother for so long took the woman that had stolen his heart and breath in one moment lean in and kiss as if for their very lives. It was a stunning moment and Tony couldn’t do much else other than smile. As the party was leaving the church, he’d seen his girl covertly look around obviously wanting a sign of his presence he laughed quietly to himself. He beat them to the reception and now he planned to leave just as soon as he dropped his gift off. He wasn’t leaving it on the gifts table; no, he felt it more appropriate for her private reading pleasure. So as he slipped out of the women’s dressing room he had to smirk, he still had the skills and as he moved out the back door, he imagined her reaction. Between a cry, a scream, or just a small breath before sitting he couldn’t decide which would make her frail beauty stand out the most. But this was best for them both. It might’ve been nice to see the team again and chat about their lives but he knew that between the two of them, neither of their hearts could’ve taken the pain.
And as he slides up to his car and glances back, he watches as she moves gracefully up the steps of the reception hall never once stopping till she reached the top stair. His breath catches in his throat as her gaze lingers on him. She always did know when he was within her sights, in all the years of cat and mouse in the office and her lab she’d always known he was at her back. Just like after today she would also know she would always be in his heart but that it was better that they both left it at that. And once more he slides into a rental and starts her up and as he looks back in the mirror, he finally thinks to himself that she wasn’t waiting for him anymore and he didn’t know what hurt more.
He drives away thinking about actions and consequences and about his beautiful raven, that was once his but nevermore.