Work Text:
Fathers
by Lilithangel
It didn't make any sense but they were both drawn back to the sofa in the quiet times. Sometimes they would just sit and stare at nothing. Spike had gotten better at being still over the years and Angel appreciated the chance to not be anything. Other times they'd talk, sometimes about nothing much and they'd bicker, sometimes it would be about real things and they'd still bicker, but it was good.
"I always worried that I wouldn't be a good father," Angel said, picking at imaginary fluff on his trouser leg.
"Being the undead champion for the Pillocks That Be is going to put a crimp on father/son time," Spike said, still getting his head around the idea that Angel and Darla had a human child, well almost human.
"No," Angel said, "I didn't know how to be a good father. I didn't want to be like my own father and I really didn't have any others to compare with either. You know I even hoped that when Holtz stole him as a baby that maybe the Hunter would be able to give him what I couldn't. I knew Holtz had loved his family, that's what made what we did to him all the more delicious. But Connor wasn't even granted that. Instead he was raised in a demon dimension, fighting for his life every single day."
"That's why you made the deal with Evil Inc.?" Spike nodded. "To give the kid the memories of a real family, a normal life. There was no guarantee that he would have a normal life you know."
"I know," Angel said, "but I'd hoped."
"At least you had a father to remember," Spike said.
"Sometimes memories are the last thing you want," Angel said.
"At least you have the choice to forget them," Spike replied.
"Did you have any memories of him?" Angel said curiously.
"Only a few," Spike said, "mainly of a suit and a walking stick, sitting quietly when he came home and wondering if it was my fault he died."
"Why would it have been your fault?"
"I don't know, I was a kid," Spike said defensively.
"Well you never got to disappoint him," Angel said with a sigh.
"Or make him proud," Spike said. "Your boy seemed to be doing alright and wasn't freaked out by you or anything," he added.
"That's what his false life gave him," Angel said, "the stability I couldn't and happy childhood memories. Something I never had."
"Parents," Spike said with his own sigh, "got a lot to answer for."
"So your constant rebellion against Angelus was just abandonment issues," Angel mused.
"You were a bastard," Spike replied, "no abandonment issues needed, Freud. How about your constant need for attention and fear of commitment?"
"I don't have a fear of commitment," Angel said defensively.
"You ran away when you couldn't be what Darla wanted, did it again when you couldn't satisfy Buffy, got all huffy when you weren't the only vampire with a soul in the world," Spike said, "sure looked like it to me."
"This from the guy who has been whipped by every bit of skirt he's ever sniffed around. Constantly trying to make mummy proud because daddy died."
They were nose to nose in anger again and suddenly Angel grinned. Spike smiled wryly and they sat back down on the sofa.
"I was a nancy boy who latched onto the first strong male figure he encountered because he didn't know how to be strong," Spike admitted.
"I was a sulky rabblerouser who fell for honeyed promises from an older woman because he'd stopped believing his father would ever see anything in him," Angel said.
"We are a right pair, aren't we?" Spike said.
"Can we blame our fathers?" Angel said hopefully.
"I'm going to," Spike said, "did Connor blame you?"
"First time around he did," Angel said, "second time not so much."
"Seems like a good kid," Spike said, "you did good. You were completely stupid and shouldn't have trusted your friends but... I understand why you did it."
Angel nodded and they returned to staring into nothing. If Angel's hand covered Spike's as they sat there he was never going to admit it and Spike was never going to call him on it.
Sometimes that's all you need to keep going.
END