Work Text:
How Buffy Got Spike (or the Ex-Riley Sketch)
by JustJeanette
Jingle, Jangle, Joshgle,
Willow looked up from the counter to see Buffy walk into the Magic shop pushing a trolley in front of her. In the trolley stands Agent Riley Finn on a mannequin stand apparently held up by a broomstick. Willow tries to hide behind the counter (unsuccessfully).
Buffy: Ah Willow, just the person I wish to speak to. I'd like to register a complaint.
Willow: What do you mean "a complaint"?
Buffy: I wish to complain about this "replacement boyfriend" I brought from this shop not half an hour ago.
Willow: Ah yes; Replacement Boyfriend; a very good specimen I might add. What's wrong with it?
Buffy: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's #dead#, that's what's wrong with it!
Willow: Oh no, he's just resting look;
Shoves trolley slightly - (Replacement boyfriend does not move)
Buffy: Look, Willow, I know a dead Replacement boyfriend when I see one and I'm looking at one right #now#.
Willow: No, no, Buffy, he's not dead, he's resting
Buffy: #Resting#?
Willow: Yeah, remarkable Replacement Boyfriend; the Idaho farm boy. Wish I had more in stock. Great breeding potential there; and such beautiful blond hair, innit? And such a striking chin, too.
Buffy: The breeding potential doesn't enter into it - he's stone dead!
Willow: No, no, it's just resting.
Buffy: All right then, if he's resting I'll wake him up. (*Shouts at the trolley*) Hello, Riley, I've got this nice super hero potion for you; guaranteed vampire strength; no side affects.
Willow: (*Jogging the trolley*) There, he moved!
Buffy: No, he didn't. That was you pushing the trolley!
Willow: I did not!
Buffy: Did too!
Willow: Did not!
(This goes on for some time)
Buffy: Yes, you did. (*picks Riley up, shouts*) Hello, Riley, Riley (*bangs it against counter*) Riley, wake up. Farm boy (*throws Riley in the air and lets him fall to the floor) Now #that's# what I call a dead farm boy.
Willow: No, no, it's stunned.
Buffy: Look, Willow, I've just about had enough of this. This farm boy is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that his lack of movement was due to it being tired out after an all night session hunting vampires.
Willow: It's probably planning even now to take the initiative.
Buffy: Initiative? He wouldn't show any initiative if you put 50 000 volts through him; in fact I'll do it know.
Scene of smoking Riley
Buffy: See! And how's he going to "take the initiative" from flat on his back? Which is where he fell not two moments after I got him home.
Willow: The Idaho farm boy prefers kipping on its back. Wonderful breeding stock, such lovely soft hair.
Buffy: The breeding potential still doesn't enter into it; if fact he's so dead he couldn't enter into it anyway. Now stop changing the subject. Look, (*turns Riley over*) I took the liberty of examining that Replacement Boyfriend, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing up in the first place, is that it had been nailed to that dummy stand, by magic nails, no less!
Willow: Well, of course he was nailed there! Otherwise, it would muscle up and *voom*! You'd be knocked up in no time....
Buffy: Look, Willow (*picks up a very stiff Riley*) this Replacement Boyfriend wouldn't *voom* if I aimed a crossbow bolt up its ass and fired it! (*proceeds to do precisely that, with absolutely #no# response from Riley*) He's bleeding #demised#!
Willow: He's not, He's pining!
Buffy: He's not pining, he's passed on. This Replacement Boyfriend is no more. It has ceased to be. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace (*Spike is heard in the background, cheering*) If you hadn't nailed it to the dummy stand (good move by the way), it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an #ex- Replacement-Boyfriend #.
Willow: Well, alright, but I thought you liked your boyfriends' dead; still I'd better replace him, then.
Buffy: Dead no; undead yes.
Willow: I see. I see. I get the picture in that case I've got the
perfect thing.
Willow calls out the back. Giles, is Spike still here?
FIN... not Riley. ~.^