Work Text:
The Romance Affair
by Betsy
Valentine's Day had been extremely busy for Napoleon Solo. It was one of his favorite days of the year. This year he had been the epitome of ROMANTIC. He had given Lucretia some candy; Phillamena some perfume; Reneeta some flowers, and Luciana a card with various scents in it. The fact that none of these women meant anything to him was nothing.
Soon after he had joined UNCLE he had thought himself in love. For a few precious months he had immersed himself in his "true love", but the constant travel and the dangerous work led to a parting of the ways and a bitter taste in Solo's mouth.
Since that day Napoleon Solo had become a womanizer, a flirt, a lover, but not a man who would make a commitment to anyone. He had even refused to take on a partner beause that, too, would mean commitment. That is until the blue-eyed iceberg named Illya Nickovetch Kuryakin had walked into his life. Now partnership with anyone else was unthinkable.
In a way, Kuryakin seemed to be the perfect partner for Solo. He seldom dated and very rarely commented on Solo's well known escapades with a legion of women. The two men did their jobs; backed each other up, and became the best that UNCLE had to offer.
Illya Kuryakin had noticed the elaborate goings-on that Napoleon enacted in the name of Valentine's Day. Kuryakin could only give a snort when he saw the flowers, cards, and perfume being distributed. He rolled his eyes when he heard Lucretia sigh in ecstasy, "Oh, Napoleon is the most romantic man I know."
After hearing that gush and various other female groans of adoration, Kuryakin made up his mind to ask Solo about this whole orgy of gift giving called Valentine's Day. Solo had tried to explain the concept to him when he had first arrived from the Soviet Union, but the appalling capitalism of the whole day had virtually turned off his explanation.
Today, however, when he saw that large boxes of chocolate were given out, his interest was peaked.
Finding his partner in their office, he decided to be blunt. "Napoleon, what makes you so romantic to these silly women here at UNCLE?" Napoleon looked squarely into his friend's eyes to see if he was teasing him, but only saw a serious question. Thinking a moment or two, he replied, "Well, the women are silly, but you don't want to make enemies of them. By just giving them a few gifts here and there and a few sweet words, you stay on their good side."
"Then you are a hypocrite, are you not? You do not really care for them, but you buy their good graces."
Solo sighed. He knew that his serious and practical Russian would not understand so he decided to try again.
"Illya, women like to be pampered. They like a man to see to their needs before they even have to hint. They like a man to go that extra yard to please them."
"I saw that one named Wilhemmina give you a gift. If what you say is true, then why did she do that?"
"Illya Kuryakin, you don't have a romantic bone in your body. I know you don't go out much, but haven't you ever received a thank you gift for a great evening or a great evening after - if you know what I mean?"
"No, I do not waste my hard earned money on silly insincereness. (sometimes when Illya was upset, his English became creative) I suppose if I found someone that I could commit myself to and love, I would be very romantic, but I do not believe in giving gifts to buy affection or good graces."
At that moment, Lily-Veronica came to their office door to remind Napoleon of their date that night. She pinned a white rose in Napoleon's button hole and giggled, "See you later, Nappy!"
Illya gave his partner a withering glare, "You certainly chose her for her IQ!!!"
Napoleon had the grace to blush slightly, but was stopped from replying by his partner walking out of the office.
The blond was angry, but also hurt. He hadn't quite told his partner the truth. After 3 years of partnership, Illya had found someone to love. The trouble was that he was the biggest womanizer at UNCLE and Illya's partner.
**Why is Napoleon so blind? He cares nothing for those women and yet he wastes all his romantic fervor on them. I'll bet if I tried, I could . . . . ** but there he stopped. Shaken by the deep feelings the recent conversation had aroused in him, he felt all ajumble. **What do I want from my partner?"
Being the logical scientist that he was Illya decided to make a list of his goals and then formulate a plan. **All my life I have remained isolated from others to avoid being hurt and now I am contemplating actually throwing myself at my best friend.**
Fortunately, the lab seemed to be largely deserted so Illya was able to spread out his materials and plan without interruption.
**Napoleon is easily flattered. I will send him a card. I will not sign my name, but I will drop little hints. I need to arouse his curiosity before I spring my feelings on him.**
Flowers, candy, and other little gifts were planned in detail. By the time Illya got done, he noticed that it was after 6:00. **Surely, Napoleon would have left by now to meet Lily-Veronica.**
Strangely enough when Illya returned to his office, Napoleon was still there.
"Napoleon, why are you still here? Won't Lily be upset?"
"Where were you this afternoon? I had some questions about our final report from the last mission."
Since Illya could not tell Napoleon what he was actually doing, he hedged. "I was talking to someone."
"For three hours?"
Kuryakin gave him a smirk, "Well, really Napoleon, I do not question you about everything you do. Now what did you want to see me about?"
The next half hour was taken up with business. After Solo left, Illya made a list of things he would need for his campaign:
1) card - I believe the word is mushy
2) flowers - check the language book for hint
3) candy - chocolates - don't open or they will be gone
4) little gifts - wine? cognac? aftershave? - think Illya, think
Illya Kuryakin left for his apartment with butterflies in his stomach. **Will my plan lead to what I desire most or will the totally clueless, sex-crazed CEA continue to be blind about my feelings?**
*********************
The next morning Illya arrived fairly early. He had purchased a very "mushy" card. It seemed easy to find one being so soon after Valentine's Day.
He suddenly realized that he had to be careful with his handwriting if it was to fool Napoleon. Fortunately, UNCLE training included the ability to write in other writing styes.
Dearest,
I love you
very much. Is there a chance for me? Please think about the two of us being together.
The Person Who
Loves You Most
**And Napoleon says I'm not romantic!**
No sooner had Kuryakin written the missive than Solo walked in the door. Noticing the furtive way that his friend seemed to hide something, he cleared his throat and said good morning.
Work proceeded throughout the morning. About 11:00 Illya was called to the lab to clear up some problems there. No sooner had he left than Lucretia came to the door.
"Napoleon, Mr. Waverly needs to see your last mission report right away."
"Uh, it's on Illya's desk." Solo began searching for it. "Here it is." "Thanks. See you tonight."
Solo had indeed found the report, but he had also found the previously hidden card. Knowing that he should return it to its hiding place, he did just the opposite.
Noting how gushy it seemed, Solo was greatly surprised that a man like his partner would be sending such a thing. When he looked at the printed and hand-written messages inside, he was stunned. **I thought Illya said he didn't love any one. Was he lying to me? What's going on here?**
Quickly, he returned the card to its resting place, but Solo resolved that he would keep his eyes open and see if Illya was paying too much attention to any one female.
When Illya returned, he noticed that the card had been moved. *Oh dear, Napoleon must have found it - well, I can't send that to him now or he will know it's from me.**
The next day a dozen yellow roses arrived at the partners' office. The flowers set on the desk between the two of them, but when Solo took a look at the card, it only said, "Illya."
"Uh, these must be for you."
Realizing that a mistake must have been made by the florist, the Russian covered the mistake quickly. "Now who would be sending me flowers, especially ones that symbolize eternal love?"
Each day a new gift arrived. Illya loved the idea of giving chocolates so he purchased a large box to eat in his office. When Napoleon saw it, he inquired about their origin.
"Oh, Napoleon, who would spend so much money on this big box of my favorite chocolates, I bought them, of course."
Even though Illya was speaking the absolute truth, by that time, the green eye of jealousy had been aroused in Napoleon Solo. "Oh, of course, Mr. Tightwad #1 woud buy an expensive box like that."
Illya gave his friend his most adorable smile and returned to work.
**Why don't you just ask him, you lunkhead? Oh, that will really be great? Illya, I'm jealous - who are you in love with?**
Every time that Solo saw Illya talking with any female, he had to hold himself back from pouncing on the girl and questioning her about her relationship with Illya.
**Solo, you are being a fool. You don't even know if the female is from UNCLE.** For the next several days, little gifts appeared, including Illya's favorite aftershave.
**Now that is getting too personal. How does she know what Illya's favorite aftershave is?**
The answer came readily to mind, but Napoleon Solo would not even go into that area. The thought of that beautiful, pale body spread out in an indecent position on some female's bed almost drove Solo crazy.
**Stop it - what Illya does is none of your business. Boy, it is a good thing that you don't have a mission right now, because you are so distracted by all this, you could get both of you killed**
Normally, Solo went out several nights a week when they were not on a mission, but since finding the card, Solo had gone out very little. He had tried to get Illya to come over for dinner and watch TV, but the blond always seemed to be busy. Solo found that he missed his friend's companionship a great deal. In fact, Solo felt like his whole world was turned upside down.
Therefore, when he heard Zamantha and Zemma talking in the UNCLE corridor, his world came truly crashing down.
"Can you believe it, leaving UNCLE because he's in love?" The two females giggled, totally unaware that Napoleon Solo was eavesdropping.
"I just can't believe it. I guess he's not the Ice Prince after all, but who would have guessed? She must be really special."
Zemma nodded in agreement. "I wonder what Napoleon thinks of all this?"
At that point the two women moved away, but Napoleon stood in place, almost paralyzed from the news that he had just heard."
His mind was in absolute chaos. He was thunderstruck. **Why wouldn't Illya tell me? Who is this bimbo who would drag him away from the work that he loves? She probably doesn't understand him. Will she take care of him?**
All of these thoughts and more raced through Solo's head. **This has got to stop. I'm going to confront Illya right now.**
Solo rushed to their office, but found it empty (almost like his heart). He then broken the 4 minute mile getting to the lab, but once again - no Illya. Only the late night clean-up crew was in the lab. "Hey Mr. Solo did you hear that Dr. Kuryakin is leaving us?"
"Quiet, you dolt - Kuryakin is Solo's partner - of course, he's heard," another worker mumbled.
Those words were like knives in his heart. Suddenly, the only thing that Solo could see was red. **How dare that Russian not tell me, his partner that he was leaving UNCLE and with some bimbo-floozy?**
The time that it had taken to come up with these thoughts had gotten Solo almost to the door of Kuryakin's apartment. Some of the red haze had dissipated and he could make out the door of the apartment. **How did I get here?**
Rapping on the door loudly, "Open the door, Illya. I want to talk to you."
The slender frame opened the door. "What is it, Napoleon? What is the matter?"
"Don't give me that. You are not leaving UNCLE and certainly not over some woman."
"What? I do not understand."
Solo wasn't truly listening, his anger was so great. "Where is she? What's her name? I want to meet her."
"Napoleon, I will repeat, what are you talkig about?"
"Are you denying that you are in love?"
Suddenly, the room went silent. For a second Solo thought his friend wouldn't answer, but then with a quiet whisper, "No, I do not deny that."
Sudddenly, Solo swayed and felt as if the world had gone black. Illya put his arm around the brunet's waist and led him to the sofa.
"Napoleon, are you all right? I did not think that you would react like that to my news." The despair and anguish in his friend's face scared him.
"Napoleon, speak to me. Is it so bad then that you cannot even yell at
me?"
"I'm sorry. I . . " Solo slowly raised his left arm and caressed the face and hair of the man - the partner that he was losing.
"Oh, Illya, why didn't you tell me? Am I so difficult to tell?"
The blue eyes filled with tears, "Napoleon, sometimes you are most difficult to communicate with. May I ask, how did you find out?"
Napoleon was so distraught that he blurted out - "I heard two of the secretaries talking ."
"But, how would they know. I have not made my feelings known to anyone."
"Well, what about her? Surely, she knows by now what with all the stuff she's been sending you."
"What her are you talking about, my love?" I thought you understood that it is you. - only you."
"Then who sent you the flowers and the candy and the LITTLE GOODIES?"
Suddenly the blond hung his head. Quietly he replied, "I did."
He felt his friend's body stiffen. "Please listen Napoeon. I wanted you to notice me instead of those women. You told me how you make yourself more romantic to the women that you know so I thought I would try those things with you. I thought if you suspected me of loving someone else you would be curious. I am sorry that I deceived you."
Once again the blond bowed his head, expecting Solo to leave him in disgust. Instead he heard a slight laugh.
"You mean you did all this just to make me jealous?"
When the blond hair nodded yes, Solo threw his arms around the slim body and gave the red, pouty lips a long kiss.
After both had come up for air, Solo proclaimed "Well, you certainly succeeded in making me jealous. I've acted like a fool for days. But if it is me that you love, how did the rumor that you were leaving get started?"
"Uh, you will not punch me in the nose?"
Solo smiled affectionately, "The only thing that I am likely to do to that nose is kiss it."
"I wrote a brief note that looked somewhat like a resignation letter and then lightly wadded it up. Leaving it mostly face up, I threw it in the waste basket for the evening clean-up."
Solo immediately saw the light. "Ahh, the evening clean-up crew from who all rumors flow."
Illya nodded, "Are you angry with me?"
"Love, how can I be angry? You thawed the Heartless Prince. I have not made a commitment to anyone for over ten years--that is until a beautiful, blond Russian walked into my life. I have been falling in love with you for years, but it took your devious scheme to wake up my heart. Thank you."
From that point on, the two engaged in a great deal of kissing, hugging and body to body comunication.
After about an hour, they adjourned to the bedroom where clothes were quickly dispensed with.
After bringing each other to climax, the two lovers lay side by side, entwined in each other's embrace.
"Illya, my love, I know that this Valentine's Day was not a happy one for you, but I guarantee you that I will spend every day of the rest of my life giving you the love that you deserve."
Illya quickly gave his lover a kiss. "Napoleon, the happiness that you have given me in the past three years has given me a life I have never known. Your love now gives me a future I never hoped to have. I will always love you."
Sleep gradually overcame both men. Finally, the two men had found out who was truly the more romantic.
THE END