Work Text:
“Hey, Hey!” An irritated voice called …” can we have some light?”
A flare, and the space lit up. It is barren, no furniture or creature comforts.
“Thanks.” The figure put out one cigarette and lit another.
“No, Richard doesn’t smoke. I do… You and the others need to keep that in mind when you give us these plots.”
Jim looked around and grumbled , “At least give us something to sit on or something to eat.” He said louder, “You know some water would be nice.”
The sound of typing and a table with a 24 bottle pack of water appeared. Also a couch and four chairs.
“Yeah, yeah.” Jim looked around. “You know there are nine of us, unless… someone is going to write about the villains too.”
“Fat chance, huh?” He said took a puff on the cigarette and threw it on the floor.
“You slob”. Jim turned at the sound of the voice, and Blair entered. “First, stop throwing your butts on the floor, second, you don’t smoke, and third, don’t you know that smoking is bad for your health, especially with your senses? Besides, what are you trying to do… kill us?”
Jim snorted. “First of all, the stupid writer didn’t give me an ashtray…..”
“’Bout time...” Jim groused. “Second, we are all constructs at the mercy of demented and horny fanfic writers and we cannot die unless they so choose.” He paused. “So there.” He stuck out his tongue.
“OMG, you are so childish,” Simon said as he approached the duo.
“Simon!” Blair gave him a hug. “Where are the others?”
As if on cue, Rafe, H, Joel, Megan, Carolyn, and Sam appeared.
Simon spoke. “What’s on the boards for today?”
“Don’t know." Rafe shrugged. “Depends on who the writer is.”
“HEY!” Carolyn yelled. “Which one are you today?”
“Typical,” Carolyn groused, folding her arms defiantly.
“What are you complaining about?” H turned towards the pouting woman. “At least you get to appear in stories. The writers act as if I don’t exist.”
The others nodded, except for Sam. ”That’s not true.”
“Okay,” Challenged H. “What have Joel and I appeared in?”
“Well…” began Sam, “You were in….um… there was that story about…ummm...” She looked to Carolyn for help,but she just shrugged
Joel and H smirked as they high- fived each other.
“Oh Blair,” Jim moaned and pressed his fingers into Blair's tight channel. “I want you so bad.”
“Jim baby…” Whimpered Blair. “I want you too… no, no…I’ve missed you… that’s not right.” He sat up, pushed Jiim away, and looking up yelled, “Stop!”
The scene disappeared and they were back in the room, the others look amused.
“Let me see that.” Blair demanded, and a piece of paper appeared on the table. “Is this it?” A sigh. “How many times are we going to do this scene?” He read without inflection, “Jim, you are the best thing that ever happened to me….oh, oh, oh harder. Make me come.” He looked at the others and shook his head, “What can we expect?”
“Yeah,” Jim agreed. “I am so tired of being the strong one.”
“You? I don’t think you really have a reason to complain,” responded Carolyn. “Look at these…” She producede a handful of pages and read aloud, “Carolyn takes Jim away from Blair…. Why is Carolyn such a bitch? Carolyn slaps Blair….yadda, yadda, yadda… when did I get to be so hated?”
“Well… if the shoe fits, ” mumbled Rafe under his breath.
“Shut up Bottom Boy,” snarled Carolyn.
“Carpet Muncher!”
“Hey, I was only in one femslash, that doesn’t count. You, on the other hand…”
Suddenly H and Rafe find themselves in a bed surrounded by roses. There was the gentle rocking of the ocean. H was dressed like a dashing pirate, with a scar down the side of his face, long locks, and a brown, fit physique. He was in the throes of passion with his tanned passionate cabin boy.
Pirate H: Ah my lusty, bawdy one, let me unsheathe my rapier of love and allow it to find its place in your warm tight scabbard of willing desire.
Cabin boy Rafe: Ah, my savior, your timely rescue has saved my virginity, for I was to be ravished by the marauding hordes, and then damned to the life of a love slave. Hold me close… I need your man muscle of love to help me feel clean again.
Suddenly they were snatched out of the scene.
“See…” Said Blair furiously waving the page, “this is what I’m talking about. Who the hell talks like this?”
“Which writer is this?” Sam asked frustrated .
“Well…” answered Blair, “We have Jim and me, so it could be any of a slew of writers."
“But it’s slash,” Jim responded, “so there are writers that we can eliminate.”
“I don’t know..,” mused Joel. “The sex was kinda tame so I don’t think it was….”
“Yeah, and no vampires, no mpregs, no rapes and no mutilations...” added Sam.
The characters ignored the writer.
“What else have we had?” Carolyn asked no one in particular.
“We’ve had an H/Rafe.”
“Who writes that?” Carolyn wrinkled her nose in distaste.
“Hey… what’s wrong with Rafe and me?” H asked defensively as he put his arm around Rafe.
“Nothing,” Carolyn answered quickly. “But you have to admit… you’re not really his type.”
The others murmured some in agreement and some not.
“Why?” H demanded. “Is it because I’m black? If it were Simon and me- would that make it any better?”
“Whoa!” Simon declared, hands raised before him in a placating gesture. “Don't throw me into this mix.”
“And why am I never given a real relationship?” Joel whined.
“Well, this is too much to contemplate… there are so many writers….” sighed Blair.
“Joel… how could you?” Sam asked, collapsing to the floor dramatically.
“Sam...” Joel said in his deep baritone, sounding kinda like Superman.“You know I love you, but Carolyn has stolen my heart!”
Sam sobbed, “But what about the quints: Jamika, Quinika, Femalika, Tremika and Shirley.”
“Shirley?” Carolyn finally spoke; she was clutching the sheet to her bosom, wide-eyed.
“That was for me…gotta have a normal name.” Joel said smugly.
RRRIIIPPP!
They were suddenly snatched out of the scene as Blair tore the paper in half.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about… that’s just damned stupid.”
“Who the hell is writing this crap?” Jim was trying to calm Blair.
“Yeah, I would have burst in with a shotgun and blown Joel the hell away if that was on the show.” Sam grinned, cocking an imaginary shotgun.
“Don’t I know it!” Blair muttered.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“That you’re a bitch!”
“And you’re an inconsiderate asshole!”
“How can we forget?” Jim was pacing. ‘You’re an amateur; someone who knows nothing about plot, characterization, or dialog.”
“You’re giving a bad name to fanfic writers everywhere,” Simon added.
“Think about it…” Blair continued, “We may not agree with everything our writers have in our stories but at least they respect us and want the readers to be entertained.”
The others nodDED in agreement. They were starting to come to the same conclusion.
Blair ran his fingers through his hair. “Who would really want to make us look so bad that people would be reluctant to post stories… the person who thought it was a bad idea to buy the show to begin with, the same person who wanted to cancel our show and leave the viewers hanging….”
FLASH
The scene instantly dissolved as a voice yelled,
“Luckie, are you still working on that studio deal? I thought you had enough of that when you were CEO of the UPN?”
The woman quickly minimized her screen and turned towards her companion, who had just walked in the door.
“No babes, just tidying up some resume letters. Paramount shouldn’t have released me. I think the stuffy “old boy” club hated that I was the first female to ever head a broadcast television network.”
The man sighed. “Not again.”
“Well… it’s true.”
“All right, I really don’t want to fight about this. I just came down to see if you were coming up to bed.”
“I’m sorry. Sure-just give me another minute or two.”
The man grinned and then kissed her. “Ok, a minute or two, then I’ve got some things in mind that’ll help you forget all about resumes and the UPN.”
The woman laughed. “Go to bed. I’ll be up soon.”
With one last grin, the man turned and headed up the stairs.
As the man disappeared from sight, the woman’s smile soured. “Just you wait, I’ll destroy this fandom that’s become the bane of my existance.”
“Hey, Hey!” An irritated voice called... "can we have some light?”
~End~